Jones Town Develops Cold Fusion and Heals the Infirmed

fairlane27.jpg

Guess what kids, that’s right! It’s time for another rousing edition of “Viewer Mail”!

In case you missed it last time, we here at Jones Town like to occasionally give back to the common man/woman to prove we have our finger firmly on the pulse of our readership.

By giving the Commoners a soapbox from which they can air their grievances, we feel we are contributing to the ongoing Revolution against decency, virtue, needless sobriety and common sense.

It looks like we have another great group of letters. Let’s get right to it.

Dear Jones Town,

You know it’s not really Kool-Aid right? The members of the Peoples Temple actually drank Flavor-Aid not Kool-Aid.

It seems after 30 years people would know this by now.

Sincerely,

Anal Retentive

Dear Anal,

I’m sorry to hear that, I truly am. We make a concerted effort to be fair and accurate in our reporting, which is why we spend hours painstakingly researching every thing we write.

I’ll have you know the person responsible for this egregious error is getting ten gallons of Kool-Aid (or is it Flavor-Aid?) poured down their gullet as we speak. (Grape flavor too. Son of a bitch that shit is nasty!)

If that doesn’t work we’re going to force him to read your blog.

Dear Jones Town,

I guess you think you’re funny? Half the crap you write is offensive, obnoxious and ignorant.

Sincerely,

Polly Anna Pendergast

Dear Polly,

I would say I’m offended, but you actually nailed it fairly well.

I am curious as to what your take is on the other half of “the crap” we write.

Dear Jones Town,

I stumbled upon your blog while searching for the International Bank of Ghana on Google. Can you please inform me what in the Hell this blog has to do with the International Bank of Ghana?

I’m also curious why some guy named Voidoid is talking about my friend Kwame Amponsah? I hope that son of a bitch doesn’t think he’s getting that money. I’ll have you know Kwame refers to me as his “Dear Friend”, and he trusts me out of millions of people to be the one to help him.

You tell your friend he’s shit out of luck because I already mailed Kwame my bank account and social security numbers. My $25 mil. will be deposited within 7-10 business days.

Kiss my ass suckers! The money is mine!

Sincerely,

Million Dollar Baby

Dear Million,

Far be it from me to rain on your parade, but surely you realize some guy in Africa has no way of knowing who you are, and that he sent out thousands and thousands of those emails.

Ah, who am I kidding? You’re a lucky bastard!

Voidoid is going to go apeshit, he was counting on that money to pay the arrearage for his 10 kids.

Dear Jones Town,

More and more we’re hearing about students having sexual relations with their teachers. If it’s not an eighth grade boy having sex with his 25 year old teacher, it’s college females sleeping with their professors to get better grades.

What do you at fine gentlemen at Jones Town think about this seemingly growing epidemic?

Sincerely,

John Stoutwater

Dear John,

(“Fine gentlemen”? What are you smoking?)

I can’t speak for the rest of Jones Town, we have a religious nut writing for us occasionally and God only knows, but when I think about this “epidemic”, as you call it, I think one of two things:

1) I wish I was in eighth grade again.

2) I wish I listened to my father and went into teaching.

Dear Jones Town,

I’ve been smoking crack for about 6 months, and I really enjoy it most of the time, but my mom is getting pissed at me for sleeping on the back porch.

Coincidentally, I started smoking it daily around the same time I discovered Jones Town.

Do you think there’s a connection?

Sincerely,

Carlo Philips

Dear Carlo,

(I was wondering if we’d get a crack related question).

Do I think there’s a connection between smoking crack and enjoying our antics?

Yes.

But in our defense we do not condone crack smoking of any kind. Crack is a nasty, awful, horrible blemish on the ass of our nation. It is also considered a “gateway” drug by many who know such things. (Crack heads, crack dealers, and Former Republican Congressmen who like little boys. Or was that Meth? What the fuck is the difference anyway? Where’s Voidoid when you need him?)

Having said that, we don’t want to discourage anyone from following their heart. If your heart says, “Carlo, crack is where it’s at.” Well brother, who am I to say no?

Keep on reading Carlo.

I think that’s about it for today folks. All this talking about drugs made me hungry.

I’ll finish with the customary joke, and then some sage advice.

A Muslim, a Christian and a Scientist are sitting in a pub discussing the meaning of life.

Muslim; I think the meaning of life lies in the teachings of the Koran, and living every day as a true Muslim.

Christian; I have to disagree with you there. Obviously you worship a false God, and there’s no way to find the meaning of life doing that. Christ is the one and only Savior. What do you think?

Scientist; You think if I knew the meaning of life I’d be sitting here with you two assholes?

Well, I have things to do and I’m sure you do as well, but before I go let me say;

Remember kids; drugs kill and say no to school. Our Educational System is a gateway to unspeakable horrors (insight, curiosity, questioning, a job at somewhere other than Wal-Mart), and our school’s hallways are a wasteland of stoners, sex fiends, evolutionists and commies. But then again if you quit school you won’t get to nail that hot English teacher.

Shit, who am I to dispense advice? I’ll leave it up to you. I’m sure you’ll make the proper decision. This is a “Christian” Nation after all.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to send in their questions, comments and crotchless panties.

If you have any questions, comments, suggestions, good drugs or anything else please feel free to let us know through the Viewer Mail/Kool-Aid link. We love to hear from you. Seriously, we fucking love it.

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~ by fairlane on June 26, 2007.

4 Responses to “Jones Town Develops Cold Fusion and Heals the Infirmed”

  1. I thought it was “pollyana”?

  2. LOL, this was the most reading fun I’ve had in a long long time. Thank you so much for making me laugh on a day when laughing didn’t seem to be part of the plan. Between breaking a big glass vase that my husband brought home from Spain when he was in the Navy, the dog being sick all over the dining room floor not once but twice and still a half hour to go before cocktail hour……well, I sure did need to laugh. You saved my sanity for a little while longer.

  3. The fun continues. While I was in here laughing at your post, the dog peed on the dining room floor.

    I should explain. My little dog is old and as of late he is having problems. He goes to the vet next Monday for xrays to see if he has something ugly growing inside him. He never used to have accidents in the house so we know that something is wrong. Hopefully they can fix him up because losing him is going to hurt like hell. He still thinks he’s a puppy and he acts like one, only he’s in an old dog’s body. Thanks again for taking my mind off the reality here for a little while. I owe you.

  4. Very nice! See you in Hell! Burn baby, burn!!!

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