Jonestown’s News Tidbits and Random Observations
Navy Man “Russell Tavares” Sentenced To 7 Years In Prison
Fire Controlman 2nd Class Petty Officer Russell Tavares is in the news after being sentenced to 7 years in Prison. Tavares, or “Russell Tavares” as we call him here at Jonestown, got into an Online feud with John G. Anderson in 2005, and the aftermath is pretty fucking incredible.
Anderson aka “Johnny Darkness” and Russell Tavares aka “PyroDice” (The screen name says it all) were trading insults over the Internet, and apparently the argument got a little heated.
The situation came to a raging boil after Anderson photoshopped a picture of Russell Tavares wearing Nerdy Pants standing under a “Revenge of the Nerds” sign.
Being a rational person, Petty Officer Russell Tavares did the logical thing and drove 1300 miles from his home in Virginia to Elm Mott, TX. and proceeded to burn down Anderson’s trailer.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and officially declare that living in a Trailer is fucking dangerous. If the “Twisters” or Floods don’t get you psychopaths with gasoline soaked plastic foam and a flare will. (Save your money and get a Real House!)
A Psychiatrist, conspicuously wearing a “non-Nerdy” outift, testified that Russell Tavares has a “Pathological Hatred for any and all things related to Nerds.” He went on to say, “Let me emphasize; Controlman Russell Tavares really, really, really hates Nerds. Human Nerds, Candy Nerds, Space Nerds, it doesn’t matter. If he sees a Nerd, you better watch out.”
He recounted a story in which Russell Tavares was driven into a Psychotic Rage simply because he saw a Pocket Protector laying on someone’s desk. “The guy fucking hates Nerds for whatever reason, and Photoshopping a picture of him dressed in Nerdy clothing is akin to killing his mother.”
Jonestown, through the channels our readers have come to rely on, obtained a copy of the Photo in question, but you are out of your Fucking Mind if you think we’re posting it. Forget that shit!
That crazy mother Fucker drove 1300 miles without stopping to take a piss just so he could burn down a guy’s house.
Senator David Vitter Pens Major Deal
In related news, Jonestown is receiving reports that Senator David Vitter signed a 10 year, $12 million contract to become the Official Spokesman for Pampers.
The length and terms of the Contract are unheard of in the Pee Pants Industry, and many worry that the repercussions could create a Tsunami Effect.
Vitter’s Press Secretary said Senator Vitter was unavailable for comment, but he did hand over pictures of the first ad set for release later this Summer.
“Shrinkage is a terrible thing. It’s embarrassing, and very hurtful to one’s self-image. There’s nothing worse than dishing out $150 for a Hooker only to have her peel off your ‘Pants’ and discover that Mr. Winky is shrunken down to about a 1/4 inch because the absorbency you were counting on just isn’t there. A cold, wet, clammy diaper can do irreparable damage, and there’s just no reason for it. Especially now that Pampers has a solution.”
“Whenever I’m on a business trip I always make sure to bring a box of these with me. Pamper’s New and Improved Shrinkage Resistance Man Diapers. These things are a Mircacle of Modern Technology and Scientific tests prove that no other Diaper even comes close. Why I’ve gone days without changing them, and I’ll tell you what, Mr. Winky is just as fresh and dry as he was the day I put them on.
In a recent study comparing them to other brands, Pampers came out on top in very convincing fashion holding up to three times as much Man Urine as the nearest Competitor.
So, Please do yourself, and that Woman of the Night a favor. Before you get into something Naughty, stop by the nearest Gas Station and get into a pair of Pamper’s New and Improved Shrinkage Resistance Man Diapers. You’ll be glad you did, and so will she.”
All Remains Quiet On The Condi Front
For those who follow our updates, you know we keep tabs on Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice’s sexual escapades or lack thereof.
Well, nothing has changed at this point.
Secretary Rice continues to hold out, Literally, for that “Special Someone”, but things are looking pretty bleak at this point.
Jonestown caught up with Condi via the phone, and she seemed truly distraught.
“You know, the way things are going success in Iraq seems more likely than me ever getting any Greasy, Dirty Loving. As pathetic as it sounds, the last time I was Wet in that Area is when I borrowed a pair of Vitter’s Pants about six months ago. I know I’m a Republican, but I do have a Vagina. I swear!”
We know you do Condi, and we think that’s exactly your problem. You spend all your time around Republican Men, and you have a Vagina.
Jonestown would be happy to hook you up with this great Surgeon we know, if you’re interested.