News Tidbits, and Random Observations

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Teens Are Having Less Sex (Fears Surface They May Grow Up to Be Republicans)

According to a report released by the Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics, a consortium of the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, The Census Bureau and the Administration for Children and Families, the number of Teenagers having sex has decreased by 7% since 1991.

In 1991, 54% of High School students reported having sex, but in 2005 the number dropped to 47%.

The number of sexually active students using Condoms increased from 46% in 1991 to 63% as the number of teenage pregnancies declined.

In related news, no changes in sexual activity were reported for Condoleeza Rice.

Miss Rice reported having “Absolutely no sex” in 1991 and reported, “Nope, still no sex” in 2005, 2006 and thus far in 2007.

However, Condi did report she carries a Condom and a looped track of Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” in her purse. “Just in case.”

Hang in there Condo, you have one of the most powerful positions in our government. I’m certain there’s at least one man out there willing to look past your Bizarre loyalty to President Bush, and your utter lack of self-esteem. Hell, Katie Curic is married. (Side note; What in the fuck is up with that woman’s hair? She knows they canceled “Leave it to Beaver” like 40 years ago, right? I’m sure there’s a joke there, but I’ll leave it for you).

Search for Amelia Earhart Resumes as New Evidence Surfaces (Was She Connected to Terrorist Attacks on 9/11?)

In a strange turn of events, President Bush has ordered the search for Amelia Earhart to resume.

resizeofamelia_earheart.jpgEarhart disappeared with her navigator Fred Noonan 70 years ago as they were nearing the end of their Round the World flight.

After searching for 16 days, the U.S. Navy and Coast Guard abandoned their search assuming the two were dead.

Since then many different theories have surfaced trying to explain what happened to the pair. Some claim they were captured by the Japanese and executed as spies. Others claim they crash landed on an Atoll 1800 miles South of the Hawaiian Islands. But none of the claims are as bizarre as those made by the White House earlier today.

In an Impromptu Press Conference, President Bush ordered the search for Earhart to begin once more. However, President Bush’s decision is not intended to honor a fallen American Hero, but as part of his “War on Terror.”

“After careful research and much consultation, it has come to my attention that Amelia Earhart is a member of the Terrorist Organization Al-Qaida” the President said to a stunned crowd of reporters and “Little Miss” Contestants. “Based on ‘Highly Credible Evidence’ provided to me by Karl Rove, Vice-President Dick Cheney and two World Renowned Scientists, I can say with 100% Certainty that Amelia Earhart’s so-called disappearance was in fact staged, and that in reality she was/is in possession of a Time Machine, which allows her to travel anywhere within the Space/Time Continuum.”

Completely in shock the room stood in utter silence until Katie Lee Vittetow, age 8 from Squemish, Mississippi; who’s favorite author is Matthew from the Bible and who dreams of a day when the world will live in Peace, Harmony and a time when she can purchase a case of Final Net Hairspray without “Enviro-Nazis” giving her grief, spoke up, “I knew that bitch was a Commie.”

President Bush went on to implicate Earhart in the 9/11 terrorist attacks. “Our Crack Scientists have concluded that Ms. Earhart not only participated in the attacks on September 11, but in fact piloted the plane that hit the second Tower.” Journalists after hearing this shocking news finally arose from their stupor long enough to ask, “Are you saying Amelia Earhart died on September 11, 2001 and not in 1937.”

“No, you dumbass, weren’t you listening? She has a time machine, and she obviously Zapped herself to safety before the plane hit, Duh! That’s why I’m ordering a search for her. Do you think I would waste our Country’s resources looking for something that’s not there? I graduated from the Ivy League remember?”

The White House then released a photograph of how they believe Ms. Earhart looks today:

earheart.jpg

 

President Bush then went on to say that the United States Government along with Tom Cruise and John Travolta, of Scientology Fame, were offering a Ten Blu-zillion Dollar Reward for the location of Ms. Earhart. When asked exactly how much Ten Blu-Zillion Dollars is President Bush responded, “It says here in the front of my Podium, T…h…e…P…r…e…s…i…d…e…n…t. Do you know what that spells? It spells ‘The Decider.’ What’s it say on your podium? Oh, you don’t have a Podium? Well, when you get one maybe then you can question my Mathamaticulizational Ability, but until then I’m ‘The Decider’ and you’re the…uh…hmm…huh?…uh…you’re the person who listens to ‘The Decider.’ Got it?”

 

After President Bush finished with the Press Conference, White House Aides brought out John Travolta and Tom Cruise so they could answer any potential lingering questions, but because they’re obvious Lunatics who follow a Religion created by a Science Fiction Writer, a 3rd rate Science Fiction Writer no less, the room immediately cleared leaving the two standing there like a couple of Clowns.


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Crazy Fucking World. Crazy Goddamned World.

 

 

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~ by fairlane on July 13, 2007.

9 Responses to “News Tidbits, and Random Observations”

  1. ROFL! Very nice job tying all kinds of screwball stuff into a fun read.

    Thanks for the laughs!

    The scientifically impossible I do right away
    The spiritually miraculous takes a bit longer

  2. Thanks for the laugh.

  3. And yet the US has the highest rate of teen pregnancy in the developed world.

    Regards,

    Tengrain

  4. fyi, condi’s chastity belt will be on display at the hustler museum in the month of august. she will be sporting a titanium guilded panty in the interim. dubya will also be wearing similar undergarments for moral suppport. he also included it helped with chafing.

    in other news, scientology is stupid, as are john travolta, tom cruise, katie holmes, kirstie alley, et al. amelia earheart was purportedly seen flying a dc-3 over multiple volcano sites with l.ron hubbard. both were wearing sailors outfits with “i heart xenu” pins on the lapelles.

    great post. i will add you. have a great weekend 🙂

  5. I make daily attempts to make sure I don’t laugh, but when I read your “reports” I bust a gut!

    Well done and what’s sad, is I wouldn’t doubt any of it with this bunch! ; (

  6. Dude,

    Why you hate’n on L. Ron?

    I think this no sex thing is contagious, I’m experiencing boom & bust cycles and I’m in my thirties.

  7. i laughed so hard i cried! what a funny person you are. i like it best when you make me laugh;you are very good at it.
    i added you to my favs.

  8. […] Is Tom Cruise Gay or Is He Just a Dumbass?  […]

  9. […] to speculation that she may have found a beau. Either that or she’s pissed off at us for shamelessly mocking her life of involuntary celibacy. (Personally, I’m going with the […]

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