Jonestown’s News Tidbits and Random Observations

Michael Francis Wiley Sentenced To Five Years In The Pen

fairlane127.jpgMichael Francis Wiley of Florida was sentenced to five years in prison, and 15 years of drug offender probation earlier today. Wiley “stood” before judge William Webb and stated, “I’d just like to say I know what I did was wrong. I am truly sorry your honor. I am.” The judge then handed down his sentence despite the protests from Michael Wiley’s attorney, John Hooker, who thought a two year sentence was more appropriate for a man in Wiley’s condition.

Wiley’s latest charges stem from an incident last May when he lead Police on a car chase.

This is not the first brush with the law for Wiley, as he already served 3 years in the Slammer for habitually driving without a license, kicking a Police Officer and “other charges.”

Wiley issued a statement to the AP, “I’m beat. The white flag is up,” he said. “You can only bang your head against the wall so long before it hurts.”

(Or until your skull crumbles into a hundred pieces, but whatever).

Did I mention that Wiley has no arms? I didn’t? Well, he doesn’t, and he only has one leg. Yep. Wiley is some kind of Freak Show stunt driver.

(brendan fitterer st. petersburg times/ap)

“He starts the car with his toes, shifts with his knee and steers with the stump of his left arm. He turns on the lights with his teeth.”

I don’t know about you, but if I saw some dude beside me lean over and switch on his turning signal with his teeth I might shit myself.

And what about his stump? Mother fucker has to sit an inch away from the steering wheel so he can reach it. He’s lucky the airbag never went off or he’d have no head either. (I wonder if his decapitated head would continue driving? For some reason Monty Python’s “The Holy Grail” comes to mind).

(zach boyden holmes st. petersburg times/ap)

Here’s the thing that truly confuses me. If Wiley was convicted for driving without a license, does that mean at one time he actually had a license?

Yes. Yes, it does. Wiley did have a valid license at one time, but I’m not sure how considering he lost his limbs when he 13. (I shit you not).

I once lived in Florida, and there’s no doubt their standards for getting a license are fairly low, but a dude with no arms and one leg? You’re fucking kidding me right?

(No wonder this state supports Bush).

How does that happen? Can you imagine standing in line at the DMV, and the guy in front of you with no arms and one leg is getting his photo taken for a driver’s license?

(brendan fitterer st. petersburg times/ap)
“Keep talking shit Wiley and I’m going to push you down a hill.”

I realize the average Floridian’s age is 89, but even a grandma would notice that surreal crap.

What happens if he’s leaning to gnaw a turn and he falls over in his seat or onto the floor?

I want everyone to try this: Lay on your side, hold your arms against your body, pull one leg behind you and try to sit up. It’s not easy is it? Now, imagine if you were in a car going 30 miles an hour. (You older folks just trust me on this one).

Wiley began driving in 1985. Twenty two years this guy was on the streets before they finally took his license away.

I’m all for fair treatment, but that’s fucking insanity.

After his sentencing, Wiley spoke again to reporters, and was asked if driving all these years was worth going to Prison.

“Not to be silly, but I guess in the end I paid an arm and a leg didn’t I?”

Condi Refuses To Speak With Jonestown Representative

Condoleeza Rice refused to take our calls this week leading to speculation that she may have found a beau. Either that or she’s pissed off at us for shamelessly mocking her life of involuntary celibacy. (Personally, I’m going with the latter).

Her Assistant did release the following statement from Secretary Rice, “Fuck off, you bitches!”

At least she seems happy, and that’s all we care about here at Jonestown. We love you Condi.

We’ll do our best to bring you an update soon.

Wow Condi, lighten up Sister. Damn.

The EPA and Bush Administration Declare Money More Important Than Human Life (Not That This Is News, But They Finally Made It Official)

On Thursday the EPA released an analysis of a new proposal to reduce smog in the U.S.

The analysis is causing a Stink because, “In addition to analyzing three relatively stringent smog levels, EPA decided to study a fourth less-stringent smog level after intervention by the White House Office of Management and Budget, according to public documents in an EPA docket.”

No shit? The Bush Administration interfering with Science? Come on. These are the people who believe Abraham had a pet Alosaurus. Why would they want to interfere with Science when they obviously hold it in such high Regard?

The EPA’s initial analysis looked at the cost and benefits of reducing smog to 0.65 O3 (Ozone) molecules per million (ppm), 0.70 ppm and 0.75 ppm, but the White House suggested they also look at cutting it to only 0.79 ppm.

I know that doesn’t seem all that significant, but oh boy oh boy is it ever.

If we cut O3 levels to 0.65 ppm, the EPA estimates it would cost up to $46 billion in 2020, but at the same time they estimate such a reduction could prevent between 530-2400 pre-mature deaths per year. (Let’s meet in the middle and say 1465).

If we cut O3 levels to 0.79 ppm, the cost would be around $3.3 billion (Huge Saving$$$$), but it would prevent only 19-85 pre-mature deaths per year. (Again let’s average the two, 52).

How much is one human life worth? According to Bush, when it’s convenient for him to say so, life is “priceless,” but when it comes to his Energy Industry buddies one human life is worth approximately $2 million.

That’s no chump change for sure, and a person could do a lot with that kind of cheese, unless of course they’re the unlucky bastard who got phased out of the gene pool so Exxon could save some money. (Defenders of Bush will say it’s not that simple, but it sure as fuck is that simple. Saving Money vs. Saving People. Remember this is the “Pro-Life” Party we’re talking about).

I’m sure there are people who’d take $2 million for one of their children or their wife or husband, but I imagine most are like me and are more attached to the ones they love than they are to their belongings. (And $2 million ain’t what it used to be). Maybe I’m wrong, but I know if someone came to me offering money for my daughter’s life they better be able to dodge a cap because one would be headed straight for their ass post haste.

Think about this for a minute. Sit there and think about what the Bush Administration is suggesting. “We think this is a better proposal. Sure we’d love to be able to save those 1413 extra people (PER YEAR! THAT’S ALMOST 17,000 PEOPLE BY 2020!), but Exxon et al just can’t afford it.”

This country is being run by some twisted Mother Fuckers. Plain and Fucking Simple.


~ by fairlane on August 4, 2007.

7 Responses to “Jonestown’s News Tidbits and Random Observations”

  1. […] Court Contact the Webmaster Link to Article white house Jonestown’s News Tidbits and Random Observations » Posted at […]

  2. The Wiley story is almost as good as the story I read sometime back about giving hunting lessons and licenses to blind people. I’m not kidding.

    You just gotta love my state of Fla. We’re the state that just keeps on giving when it comes to strange stories.

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  4. Condoliesalot has had a boyfriend for a long time now. I often call him “the moronic monkey” at Reconstitution.

    Don’t forget her “husband” gaffe. As a married man, I cannot imagine making that kind of a “mistake” talking about my boss. That was a Freudian slip, and a telling one.

  5. Jolly,

    Dammit, you’re messing up my bit. He’s just her “friend.”


    When I lived there I was working for Eckerd Youth Alternatives. (I don’t know if you’ve heard of it). Anyway, we lived in a National Forest, it was a Wilderness Program for “at-risk Youth”, and they let the locals hunt right on the property.

    We’re standing there one day, my group of kids and I, and all the sudden this deer comes flying right through our campsite with a pack of 10-15 dogs on its ass.

    We freak out, “What the Fuck?!” etc etc, and then like 30 seconds later, “Blam”, we hear a gun shot maybe 200 yards from where we’re standing.

    Now, it’s not like our program is a secret or anything, but they’re letting these fuck heads hunt right at the edge of our property, and they, the Park Rangers, tell us it’s perfectly legal.

    I find out later that a year before a little kid was shot by one of these drunken buffoons while he was sitting on his front porch.

    Florida is jacked up is what I’m getting at.

  6. I saw that one legged dude on the tube. How did he kick that cop, that he’s accused of doing? Must be a damn fast druggie as well.

  7. Dan every time you comment you reaffirm the “separated at birth” theory. When I read the article and the charges that was my first thought,”How in the Hell does a guy with one leg kick someone while he’s sitting in his car?”

    He does have that “Meth user” look about him so maybe your theory of him being “damn fast” is correct.

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