Ultra-Man vs. Mecha-Godzilla II-The Birth of Christian Mentalism
As you may or may not recall, a little less than a month ago the members of Jones Town stumbled upon an ancient book. (Actually if you don’t remember no worries, I didn’t either. All I remember from that day is staring at my reflection in a large pool of water for like 30 minutes).
Around the beginning of May, the members of the Jonestown Super Team stumbled upon a book in the backyard of a modest but reasonably priced home, which at first we believed to be an old Porn Mag. However, Neon Boy was serendipitously late that morning and missed his chance to “partake”, and in this “Altered State”, he recognized the book was something more than we originally believed. (Neon Boy thinks he’s big time after playing an archaeologist in a “Off Broadway” play). “We need to get this back to the lab ASAP.”
Our initial testing proved fruitless as we were unable to decipher the strange and possibly “mystical” language of the text. After calling in several linguistic experts, including John Stamos, we were on the verge of giving up when Dimstar’s 11 year old daughter wandered in and asked to see the book. With baited breath we waited for her decision. (She was our final hope). And then, after what seemed to be hours she declared, “Uh, this is Pig Latin. Like Duh!” “Pig Latin, right. We knew that.”
For a small fee she agreed to translate the remaining text, and the rest as they say is history. Jones Town had found, it turned out, “The Lost Books of Gidyuns Buybull”.
Cletus “TJ” Gidyun Vittetow and Gidyuns Buybull
For those unfamiliar, “The Lost Books of Gidyuns Buybull” were rumored to be written by none other than the world famous “Holy Man”, Cletus “TJ” Gidyun Vittetow. Gidyun, as his mother called him, was born in New York City, but at the age of 3 moved with his uncle Larry to Ocala, Florida. No one is certain why he moved, but it is known he never again stepped foot out of Ocala.
According to the Mythos, the Books were written in an outhouse (“The Sacred Mausoleum”) by Gidyun over a period of 15 years. But the Books along with Gidyun went missing during the “Great Flood” of ’92 along the lower Suwanee River. Rumor has it that Gidyun actually “Ascended” moments before the flood waters overcame his outhouse, and in support of this assertion his supporters cite the fact no body was ever recovered. (The Police report indicates he may have fallen through the outhouse floor. Hence the nickname “The Sacred Mausoleum”. But because rescue workers refused to excavate, “Hell no I wasn’t going in there. It was filled with 15 years of shit” said an unnamed source, no one is certain exactly what happened to Gidyun).
Before he began writing the holy text, Gidyun was best known for his uncanny ability to “accidentally” find other people’s belongings in his home, specifically his sock drawer. But this all changed sometime around 1977 when Gidyun and his best friend Skippy “Cap’n Pete” Farnswaller went hunting in Ocala National Forest.
In his autobiography, “Gravy and Grits: The True Story of Me”, Farnswaller claims the hunt was going as it usually did. He and Gidyun were sitting on the back of his truck drinking Black Label waiting for their hunting dogs to chase a deer onto the road so they could shoot it, and then something “strange happened”. (At this point, Farnswaller’s account becomes cloudy).
“We was just sittin’ thar enjoyin’ our Black Label, at’s a dern tootin good beer if ya don’t mind me sayin so. Anyways, we’s sittin thar an’ all tha sudden this bright light comt outta nowheres. I mean bright like them’uns cops has. Sumpin awful bright. Gidyun gits up an’ runt oft inta tha woods. I’d runt afer ’em, but I gots ‘is gimpy leg n’ all. I tried yellin’ fer’em, but I gots ‘is gimpy throat an all too. I didn’t seent ’em for like, shoot, a while. I was gonna call sumun, but I gots this gimpy phone line at home. The pigs dun chewed cleant thru it. Sides, Gidyun don’t like no police so much anyhows.”
“Welp, he dun showt up ‘n mer porch un evenin bout a week later an’ I says all calm an such, ‘Boy ware you been at?’ But he don’t anser n’ jus lookt at me kinna strange like. His eyes’er all mest up n’ funny lookin’ like he seent sumpin.” (This is where the chapter ended and nothing else is mentioned about Gidyun in the rest of the book. Farnswaller several years later offered this explanation, “Huh?”)
But Gidyun’s story doesn’t end here, not by a long shot. In 1984, he appeared on the front page of “The Ocala Paper”. It seems over the years, Gidyun developed a reputation as a “Holy Man” and “Healer”. In fact, his healing powers are what lead “The Ocala Paper” to do a two paragraph “Extravaganza” on Gidyun. The headline that day read, “Gidyun Dun Healt’em Up A Boy and Then Fixed’em a Mess a Grits!”.
The story never said exactly what Gidyun did except that “dis boy be ill n’ all, an’ Gidyun done healt’em all up.” The article goes on to quote two men who were lying on the side of the road. “Gidyun, he dun been blest ‘n all. He got, uh, them pars like, shoot wats ‘at boys name? Lige wats that fellers name who dun got them spacial pars?” “Yous mean Josie Wales?” “Yeah, he dun got them supur pars like ‘at Josie Wales feller.” For the rest of his life, the list of extraordinary powers attributed to Gidyun would continue to grow.
The first account of him flying was reported in the “Plum Smackin’ Quarterly” in the summer of 1982. Although there were no witnesses, other than two men lying on the side of the road, the report is considered credible. (From this point on we are forced to recount these events in actual English because the original Yokel transcripts were lost during the “Great Flood”. All that remains are accounts written by “Sissy School Boys”). According to the “witnesses” Gidyun wasn’t allowed to fly in the presence of others because God didn’t want him
“showing off” in front of family, friends or the television cameras that were at his home on a regular basis. However, the residents of Ocala and the surrounding towns of Skunklick, PossumSqualler, and Hokie Pokie are certain Gidyun could fly because he said he could, and “Holy Men never lie”.
It was also rumored that Gidyun possessed super strength obtained from subsisting on a diet exclusively of Big K soda (Cream Soda, Wild Cherry), Black Label beer and Potted Meat.
Again, according to reports, this time from only one man lying on the side of the road, Cletus was able to lift a blue whale over his head and twirl it like a baton. Unfortunately, as with the flying, God did not allow Cletus to show off so no one actually witnessed him lift a blue whale. But we know he did because on page 33 of the Gidyuns Buybull there is an account of the incident entitled: “That One Time When I Lifted a Blue Whale Over My Head and Twirled It Like a Baton”.
As I stated, the list of powers continued to grow alongside the Mythos surrounding Gidyun. Some of the other powers attributed to Gidyun at one point or another are as follows; Telekinesis, Clairvoyance, Super Breath, X-ray Vision, Karate Finger and Toe, Freeze Ray, Apple Splicer/Dicer, Pill Hand(?), and Stinky Navel.
That’s enough for now. Tomorrow we will explore how Gidyun came to write his Bible and how it paved the road for what now refer to as “Christian Mentalism”. We will also discuss in more detail Skippy Farnswaller, and the man who currently leads the “Christian Mentalist Movement”, P.D. Widdleston.
(P.D. Widdelston author of the famous book “Shit: Am I Filled with It?”)
Until then, keep the faith or God will send terrorists to blow up your city as retribution.