Jonestown Addresses Their Wingnut Fans

When I worked for that Wingnut newspaper, there was another writer there I especially despised. I won’t mention his name because honestly I don’t remember it, but even if I did I would not mention that Feeble Hack because well… I don’t like Wingnuts.

In fact, I think most Wingnuts should be thrown out of this country, and sent back to Atlantis or wherever in the Fuck their Stupid Asses came from.

Anyway.This one “writer” (I use that word extremely Loosely) was the most Heinous among the Heinous. Damn, that Mother Fucker was a HACK! My Editor called him “Brilliant.” Brilliant. Yep, he was a regular Fucking Iceberg Slim.


I wanted to punch that guy right in his Damn Mouth.

What sent me over the edge was this “Editorial” he wrote about the “Glory of Capitalism.”

Now, I have no problem with Capitalism. I plan on being Rich very soon, and there’ s no doubt I’m going to be one Evil Mother Fucker, but at least I’ll be up front about it. You touch my Porsche, and I will bust a Cap in Your Broke Down Ass!

What bothered me was this Douche Bag just went on and on about the “Unbridled Entrepreneurial Spirit,” (Wait, I forgot).

Before I talk about the straw that broke the Camel’s Back, let me put this Shit Smoker in his proper Context.

There seems to be this Misunderstanding among many High School Drop-Outs that “Journalists” are “Writers.” I say no to you Dear Sirs/Madames. No, No, No!

Being a “Journalist” does not automatically qualify one as a “Writer.” Just because you arranged words in a sentence does not mean you are a “Writer.” It means you had a basic education.

The truth is, Journalists are one step above “Sports Reporters” in the Food Chain.

Hand a Monkey a few “facts,” sit them at the table, and Bingo! You have an Op-Ed piece.

I know people like George Will and Robert Novak claim to be serious “Writers,” but that’s the Repressed Memories Talking.


This “Writer” is the Worst of the Worst. What is the first thing you learn in a basic writing course? You remember, back in High School? Can’t Remember? No worries.

You Do Not Use Cliches When You Write! Anyone Who Uses Cliche In Their Writing Is A Mouth Breathing, Lazy Eyed, Chromosomally Challenged Fuck!

But Mr. Brilliant? He loved him a good old Cliche. Hell, his entire Repertoire depended on them.

Actually he had a Three Pronged Attack when it came to his Ass Pillorying.


I have to admit it was my own doing. What did I expect when I took the Job? I was the only one at the Entire Paper who actually went to College. In fact, I’m not sure if anyone else there even graduated from High School other than the Owners, and Maybe one of the Dormice who worked the phones, and acted like she’d faint if she ever heard someone say the word “Penis” out loud.

Here’s an idea of what his Op-Ed’s looked like-

Liberals are just not team players. When they step to the plate they just don’t have the moral fiber to hit it out of the park because they’re afraid of being Politically Incorrect, and offending someone.

Republicans are the backbone of this Nation, and we are the ones who take the Fight to the Enemy wherever they are, while the Liberals sit back and drink their Lattes, and talk about Karl Marx.

My only solace is that when I pray to Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior I know he is on my side.

I’m Fucking serious. I used to read his Op-Ed Pieces (To justify my Murderous Rage), and my blood would start to Boil.

I’d call my Editor,

“You have got to be Fucking kidding me. Who the Fuck hired this Asshole? Did he even finish 8th grade? You hired him? Did you finish 8th grade?”

But he was “Brilliant.” Brilliant. Language is simply meaningless. A guy with a 109 I.Q. is now considered “Brilliant.” Why not eliminate the word “Brilliant” from the language altogether?

The funny thing is, these are the same people who used to bitch about how America is becoming “Mediocre.” Yeah no shit, and it’s because of Wingnuts like you!

I’m fine with stupid people, they have their place, but they should not be allowed to speak in public, and they damn sure should not be allowed to run a Newspaper.

Okay, okay. I’ll move along.

The Straw that Broke the Camel’s Back.

So Johnny DickFinger wrote this Op-Ed about the “Glory of Capitalism.” You could smell the sex in his words, and I imagine he rolled the thing around his Cock before turning it in to the Editor.

He sang the sweet, sweet Praises of the “Unbridled Entrepreneurial Spirit,” and the “Land of Opportunity.” (You know the Drill).

He went on and on and on with this Masturbatory Blather. And of course he mentioned how “Liberals” hinder Capitalism, and how “Liberals” want Socialism, and that Capitalism is Freedom therefore “Liberals” are against Freedom, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda, Why Doesn’t My Daddy Love Me etc etc etc. (Side note. Everyone in the world other than the 10 people this guy knows are “Liberals”).

Again, I read this Piece of Utter Shit, and I call up my Editor.

“Come on man. Seriously. This is a Fucking Travesty.”

All in vain, until…

“We’re having a meeting next week, and he’s going to be there.”

“Don’t Fuck with me. Are you telling me the truth?”

“Yes, he’ll be there.”

“I’m going to call him out after the Meeting. I’m just telling you now, so it won’t come as a Shock.”


Meeting day arrives.

I take my seat in the front, as always, so the “Speaker” can clearly see me roll my eyes whenever they say something Ignorant.

The meeting begins, and I don’t see Captain Righteous anywhere, and then…

He sneaked in when I wasn’t looking.

I look back at him to get size him up, and the dude looks like he just climbed off a Hay Wagon. His clothes are made out of paper (Wal-Mart), and he’s wearing glasses that belonged to his older brother  back in the 80’s.

In other words, the Douche is completely Fucking broke.

“Well, what’s wrong with being broke?,” you ask.

Nothing wrong with being broke, per se. But…

If your entire outfit is worth less than $30, should you be writing Op-Ed pieces about the “Glory of Capitalism?”

If your car needs Duct Tape to hold it together, should you be chastising other people if they have problems with an Economic System based on Greed and Exploitation?

Do you have a right to call people who challenge the Status Quo “Commies,” when your un-educated Ass is one bill away from living off the Government?

I say, No. Keep your Damn Mouth Shut!

What the Fuck does this Guy know about “Capitalism,” other than he Sucks at it?

Is he holding back, waiting for the perfect moment to launch his Master Plan that will Spring him from the Gutter?


He has no Master Plan. He only has his “Massa’s Plan.”

This is so extraordinarily Galling to me, and I lost interest in saying a Word to him because I knew it was pointless.

He was a Lost Cause.

The Slaves buy Massa’s Plan, and offer up their own Soul as Collateral.

And that’s what you are Wingnuts; You’re Fucking Slaves clamoring at the feet  of those who you believe to be Superior. You strive, yearn, to sit at the table with Massa.

You want him to cast his approving eye in your direction, and Pray he will smile upon you with his Whip.

The sad thing is, your Slavery is self-imposed.

You can walk away whenever you choose.

That’s all I have to say.

Well, except this…


~ by fairlane on September 12, 2007.

29 Responses to “Jonestown Addresses Their Wingnut Fans”

  1. Nice work. Boy, I agree. In a way and I fucking made this plain. Your own to tend gall you worse than “the other”.

    You nailed this good. “Entrepreneurial Spirit” and “Glories Of Capitalism” my left nut. More entrepreneurs per capita in EVERY OTHER ANDVANCED NATION IN THE WORLD THAN THERE ARE IN THE U.S.A.

    Capitalism, by the way, is neither moral nor immoral it’s just another way of allocating resources. You make the most informed decision you can to maximize your profit. If you win, great. If you lose, you try again. What’s going on in the great United States is not capitalism. It’s fascism meaning government and the economy controlled by three legged-stools of The Church/The Executive/The Largest Corporations. Anybody builds the better mousestrap, he is not swarmed by imitators as happens are everywhere else, include tht Communist Hell-Hole, Germany, they sick the law on him ana make him stop building his better mousetrap whie the mousetrap cartel figures out a way to extraordinarily render him.

    There’s the old entrepreneurial spirit for you. And if you don’t believe me, well, here’s a fun experiment for those of you with millions lying around. Start a pro-profit health insurace company and refuse anything more that 15 % return EBITDA. Pay your claims promptly and in full. Charge a below market premium and deductible and you’ll have everybit of heath insurance business in the U.S. And you’ll be dead or in jail in two days.

  2. Wow. I stumbled into journalism working for , what i thought, was an alternative paper. They were scared to tell the real story just like the Gannett bitches that love to U-ti-lize (in the spirit of idiocracy) us.

    I freelance now….23,000 words ten days… i’ll get there.

  3. Kelso,

    I was the “Token Liberal” at the paper. In fact, that’s how I was introduced one day at the Office.

    “This is _______ he’s our Token Liberal.”

    The editor is a really good friend of mine, and that’s how I got the gig.

    It didn’t last because the “Conservative Christian” running the paper was a fucking con artist.

    It was supposed to be a “Balanced” newspaper that presented many views, but it quickly degenerated into a Wingnut Ranting Post.

    My friend was even upset. It went out of business after 6 or 7 months.

    But it was my first paid writing position, so I guess I can’t complain too, too much.

    David- Personally, I don’t like Journalism. It’s too easy to get Pigeonholed.

    I didn’t want to write everyday from the “Liberal” perspective nor did I always want to write about Politics. Yawn.

    23,000 words in 10 days huh?

    Check out It’s a network of freelance writers.

  4. As someone who does use the word brilliant a lot and I know I have used it here… I will stop. But I actually think you are. Brilliant that is!

    This paper gig sounded like a sinking ship from the get go. That is too bad. But idiots like that are likely to remain idiots.

    And you have clearly moved on.

    I have to laugh because you really called it when duct tape man is writing about the glories of capitalism. We live in a nation of wannabe richies.

  5. I refer you to the short story at the top of this page. Everybody seems to expect Wingnuts to change. How? You don’t wander into Wingnut Central, look around, and say “God! This is beautiful! Think I’ll spend the rest of my life here” unless you are in dire need of a cranial overhaul. The maximum gain from a Wingnut that can be achieved, is to render them meaningless, and it’s even better if you can add silent and millions of miles away at the same time.

    Or, if you can get away with it, Help Keep America Beautiful. Simply cap the fuckers!!

  6. This is what we get when the president of our country is a man who barely got a gentleman’s C at an ivy league school who only took him in because of his family’s power/$$$$. One day, when the wingnut money dries up a bit, these assholes will have to figure out how to feed themselves. I hope to see them begging on the streets, going through trash cans.

  7. I’m always astonished with the number of people that think capitalism=democracy. I’m convinced Chimpy is one of them. During the protests leading up to the Iraq invasion, I was often called a commie and told to go back to where I came from.

    Actually I was called a bed-wetting pinko commie. I’m still trying to figure that one out.



  8. Does it seem kinda strange to you that everybody that comments here agrees 100% with you? BTW Just a warning I got here from “future was yesterday” and if keep saying snide things to sewmouse you’re gonna be toast…he’s one lefty nosewipe that will not tolerate dissent

  9. Fran- I guess it wasn’t that surprising. Wingnuts tend to write exclusively about things they don’t understand.

    The guy is also an “Intelligent Design Theorist.”

    Future- I know they won’t change, at least most of them, but there is hope for a few.

    Sometimes zombies wake up.

    Pissed- In my experience, most Bush supporters are already broke.

    Ten- I can’t count how many times I’ve been called a “Commie.” Yet, whenever I ask them to explain what a “Commie” is they have no idea.

    Very effective.

    As for people equating Capitalism with Democracy, I’d bet at least 30% of the population thinks Capitalism is our form of government.

    Vic- Not at all. I go to great lengths to discourage dummies from commenting here. If I wanted to carry on discussions with the uneducated I’d be a Wingnut, now wouldn’t I?

    And I don’t scare easily. The last person who talked shit to me is still missing.

    Your other comment disappeared. Something is going on with WordPress and comments.

  10. Fairlane – this is one of the best posts I’ve read in a long time about how unbelievably stupid people are when they attempt to force economic theories on the rest of us, all the while completely oblivious to how an opposing theory better applies to their lives and most of our lives, too.

    A complete and utter tool without the sense to know that he is one.

    Love your writing

  11. When I grow up, I hope to be just like you. You are my hero this week.

  12. Well, I mean, like you but only not so…male….

  13. “Your other comment disappeared. Something is going on with WordPress and comments.” I just asked if you were really a lib…Just seemed your sense of humor is to intack to be a lib. Thats one of two things that keep me to the right of the spectrum is humor and that awful 24/7 earnestness that is the mark of the modern left.
    Just checking:)


  14. can i quote Gordon Gekko
    “greed is good”

    i dont get how so many POOR and UNDERCLASS people actual support the greed and selfishness of the wingnuts…..

  15. Seems like there were too many roosters in that hen-house, and obviously at least one of them was a few fries short of a happy meal (not to mention, probably not the brightest bulb on the tree, if you catch my drift). I too have found myself in that neck of the woods where no one is willing to take one for the team, and it’s certainly no walk in the park. I think you hit the bulls eye with your point against cliches. I always feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop whenever somebody puts all their eggs in the cliche basket. Figuring out the point is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. (Hopefully I don’t sound too much like the pot calling the kettle black!)

  16. D-Cup- The truth is, most people are terrible at Capitalism, especially our version of it.

    American capitalism is not based on who has the best ideas or the best products. It’s who has the most money, and who has the best last name.

    George Bush Jr., for example, would fail miserably in a truly capitalist system.

    There is no “competition,” and the deck is rigged, but dummies think that anyone can be successful.


    Nvisible- When I grow up I want to be just like me as well, but with less body hair.

    Vic- No, I’m not a “Lib,” but I’m sure as Hell not a Wingnut. Graduating from college is like a vaccine against Wingnutitis.

    I must disagree with your statement about Wingnuts being “funny.” I have yet to read a Con blog that made me laugh. In fact, I was visiting one not long ago, and the proprietor had to tell me he was being “funny.”

    I had no idea his writing was humorous.

    Dist- It’s easy. It’s called delusion. They believe “one day I’ll be rich just like them.”

    Ain’t happening.

    MFV- I completely understand. I do my best not to cry over spilled milk because the world is my oyster,and if they want to play hardball I’m prepared to answer the bell.

    After all, defense wins championships.


    Damn there was one Wingnut site that was so beyond that it was pure genius. No one could make that shit up. The problem is that I no longer have the address. Who knows the identity of anyone over the telegraph wire but the conceit of the thing was that the proprietress of the blog was a Southern Christian woman on the extreme right but highly sexual and was committed to the viewpoint that left-wing men were no good at sex. That was the thesis of every post, with the usual “support the troops” and “God Bless George Bush” crap thrown in as loss-leaders. If you find, please let me know because, brother, that woman was a freak-show all by her lonesome.

    “Dist- It’s easy. It’s called delusion. They believe “one day I’ll be rich just like them.”
    Ain’t happening.” I used to ask Fundies and their first-wave immigrant deputies in NYC all about this. I asked if they believed God answers their prayers and, of course, they said “yes.” Me: “all of them?” Them: “99%.” I asked if they believed in capitalism and, of course, they said “yes.” I asked if they’d like to have more money and they looked at me like I was stupid. So, I simply closed it by asking “WHY THE FUCK THEN AREN’T YOU RICH?”

  18. Fairlane, I didn’t think you were old enough to have worked with David Broder.

  19. ‘Nother good rant. Drop me a line @ if you get a chance.

  20. MORSE: That was a mad good bust! Give yourself 3 bells de mi parte, Pana, pue’

  21. I never cease to be amazed at how people will advocate against their self interest. Like all the people in Ohio — with all their economic problems — voting for Bush? What’s up with that?

    Another excellent post.


  22. Kelso- It’s definitely an interesting phenomena. Wingnuts demonstrate in polls over and over that they will vote for a candidate who they know will hurt them in the long run simply because of one issue: abortion, gay marriage etc.

    In a way it’s admirable, but here’s the catch. My friend, who edited that paper, acknowledged those in his “camp” know the Cons are not going to do what they say and that they use Religious Issues to manipulate their base.

    For example, he knows they are not going to overturn Roe v. Wade because without it the GOP loses one of its key issues.

    So, they vote for someone they know will hurt them economically, and they also know they use Religion to con them.

    This is where our conversations typically end because the fact they continue to support the Cons makes no rational sense.

    I think ego plays a big role. Most people do not have the courage to admit when they are wrong. And Wingnuts have run their mouths for so long (25 years?) they can’t back down now. Their entire lives would come into question, and that requires serious personal strength, and if they were strong individuals they wouldn’t be Wingnuts in the first place. (Not that Liberals are much stronger, and less galling. I had to fight the compulsion yesterday to blister one of our (Yours and mine) favorite “Liberals” and their abject elitism and pomposity).

    Morse- I wouldn’t even give this guy that much credit.

    He is truly an example of Stockholm Syndrome, a Serf singing the praises of the King.

    I agree with Kelso though, that was a “good bust.”

    BAC- (See response to Kelso).

    I also think it’s good old fashioned “Low Self-Esteem.” Most of the Wingnuts I know personally, and some I really love as people, are screwed up in the noggin’.

    Many of them had absent parents, drugs/alcohol abuse in the home etc. They have a great deal of repressed anger and resentment.

    And many people in small towns resent the shit out of people from the “Big City (Especially the North).” They are envious and resentful, and feel neglected by society as a whole. When I lived in Florida, I was called “Yankee, City Boy, College Boy” etc etc, and I’m from Louisville. There is still (Believe it or not) residue from the Civil War. Kentucky refused to join the Confederacy, and ended up “unofficially” siding with the Union.

    The college thing is another fine example. Many poor Wingnuts cannot afford to go so they say, “Colleges are infiltrated by Commies anyway, who’d want to go?”

    Instead of saying,”This is bullshit, I want to go to college too.” They lash out at those who can afford it. And it is bullshit. Everyone should be able to go to College if they wish, but it’s becoming harder and harder for people to afford. (For Libs and Cons).

    Of course, they don’t lash out at those who created this reality. Stockholm Syndrome.

    They do not want to face themselves.

    Many of these same things can be said about Liberals as well. The Dems have done little for this country in the last 25 years except become more and more like Republicans. Some of the people who piss me off the most out here in the “blogosphere” describe themselves as “Liberals” or “Progressives.” To me, they act like Wingnuts with a Master’s Degree.

    Thanks for the comments peeps.

  23. “Some of the people who piss me off the most out here in the “blogosphere” describe themselves as “Liberals” or “Progressives.” To me, they act like Wingnuts with a Master’s Degree.” If only they had a Master’s Degree, they could reason a little.

    Which reminds me of the topper. The single stupidest thing I ever read over in “liberalland.” I was having a little, fairly pleasant, back and forth about some economic issue or other on which I was on LEFT side of the argument. And she came back with something like “well, you have an MBA so you obviously don’t know what your talking about.” As if I were ashamed of that! So, instead of gettng all pissed off about it and spewing invective, I merely said “hell yeah, I got an MBA with a concentration in Statistics and Finance — me and Greg Palast and (Chomsky co-author) Ed Herman — that would qualify me for this argument not disqualify me from it.” Of course, no response. Somebody else wrote “capitalist asshole.” Remember, I was on the LEFT of this argument. WINGNUTS? Fuckin a!

  24. The funny thing K is that some of those “anti-capitalists” have bragged in the past about being wealthy.

    One of them has three different homes. How easy it is to be “Liberal” when you’re rich.

    Let’s have communism because that’s proved itself to be a wonderful form of government.

    They’re just as Fascist as the Wingnuts.

    If if I was more committed to this “blogging” thing I’d formally declare war against those bourgeois fucks.

  25. Why should we waste our time declaring war on poseurs? There are plenty of ULTRA-RICH like: Barry Schwartz, John Meriwether, Ron Burkle, George Soros, Shelly Drobny, Jim “Ryehill” Ryan, Felix Rohatyn, Ned Lamont, Mark Cuban, The Patricof Family, etc., who are unapologetic LEFT WINGERS THAT MAKE SHIT HAPPEN and for whom the poseurs’ chocolate coins and 3 paste-board homes is a day’s rounding error.

    It’s those goddamned chocolate coins and cotton-candy attitude what make this NYC boy hate San Francisco with a deep passion.

    And as we’ve already determined the poseurs aren’t ready to smash the state, not when Kelso Jr, 43 lbs soaking wet, could drop any of them with one punch, it’s time to focus are getting OUR movement together.

    Haven’t you noticed how many bloggers out there — men and woman, straight, gay, or just perverse — who think like we do? Not as in lock-step but in the ability to reason through problems materially and instrumentally without resorting to cliches, images and archetypes — (and yeah I’m that fucking guy at the I HATE GOD show wearing the polo shirt)? Not wedded to one dogma or other, from all levels of social class and education, from differnt angles, but bad-ass, willing to speak their minds fearlessly, and committed to a vision of peace and social justice? And always willing to TAKE a lesson or GIVE one? Willing to fight the corner but willing to admit to having been wrong?

    That’s punk, pana. The flavor’s good. Like 1979 good. Poseurs? Feh! Cue X-RAY SPEX.

  26. K- Because it would be fun. Blogging hasn’t been very fun lately, and I’ve actually considered giving it up altogether. I want to write, and make a living writing. No one is paying me to do this, and if I’m going to do it, I want to have fun.

  27. But, buddy, that would mean tossing in with David Brooks and them. I can’t do that.

  28. […] can only imagine the joy my former co-worker at the Wingnut Paper is […]

  29. […] can only imagine the joy my former co-worker at the Wingnut Paper is […]

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