Further Evidence That the Empire Is in Shambles

Nobody Wants K-Fed Whacked, Police Say

I don’t think it’s accurate to say “nobody,” do you?


“Whatta ya’ mean no one wants to Cap that Mother Fucker? Why doesn’t anyone pay attention to me? Can’t you see me here? I shaved my head and everything. I am not an Animal!”

Is O.J. Being Treated Unfairly by Police?

(Speaking of murdering your Ex)

Yeah, that poor, poor O.J.

Where’s the Justice?

Maybe the Goldman’s can get another book deal. After all, if you can’t bring back your loved ones you should at least cash in on their horrific murder.

(Of course, rich white women get away with killing their boyfriends all the time, and no one seems to mind too much).


First Lady Laura Bush telling reporters exactly how many Xanax she takes at one time in order to suppress the “Memories.”

 

Dole Recalls Salad in Latest E. Coli Scare

I didn’t even know Senator Viagra was still alive. Apparently he’s become a consumer advocate.


“Stay away from the cans!”

 

Imelda Marcos Told to Buy More Shoes

Kind of like telling a Crackie what they need is a big Fat Rock.

Maybe Imelda and Condi can hook up and go shoe shopping next time some natural disaster strikes.


Secretary Rice after learning she misunderstood, and that Israel is actually populated by the “Jews,” and not “Shoes.”

Top General Acknowledges Iraq Mistakes

General Peter Pace, the outgoing chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and one of the architects of the war, said he made “errors in assumption.”

No shit? Seriously? Errors? Come on? Are you sure? Don’t Fuck with me P.P.


“Wow, you’re shiny!”

 

Security Companies Face Scrutiny in Iraq

This seems like discrimination pure and simple.

What are men with tiny pee pees supposed to do now?


“This is my rifle, this is my…Let’s just skip that part, okay? There’s no point beating a dead horse…”

 

Lynyrd Skynyrd song to be tourism theme

The song “Sweet Home Alabama” is now the Official song of Alabama’s new Tourism Campaign.

According to Stan Sentell the state plans on spending almost $25 million in an attempt to remind people that Alabama actually exists.

If this latest effort fails, Alabama will be sold to the highest bidder on e-bay.

No word on who the Official Spokesperson will be, but I have a suggestion-


“Alabama- We ain’t Arkansas, but we’re damn close.”

Bush Picks Replacement for Gonzales

What a challenge!

Where will they ever find an inept, self-loathing, wanna be toady?

Hmmmm.

This is tough.

Wait…

I know.


Michelle Malkin posing for the cover of “House Living Quarterly”

 

 

 

 

 

 

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~ by fairlane on September 19, 2007.

27 Responses to “Further Evidence That the Empire Is in Shambles”

  1. Excellent.

  2. Wow- after all the music posts you totally went to fucking town with this one baby.

    And hey- you are number one, I swear!!!

    Let’s not mock all Georgians by the way, Dcup lives there.

    Anyway back to topic after my ADD loop…

    This is good. I am particularly enjoying the Imelda Marco Condi moment.

    I think Babs the Impaler wants KFed whacked for no good reason at all. Laura wants us whacked for picking on her hubby. Britney wants everyone whacked because no one is nice to her.

    And the beat goes on.

  3. Fairlane –

    You outdone yourself – that was an excellent wrap up of the news.

    Regards,

    Tengrain

  4. Crackie needs a big fat rock?
    I only think about two people are really funny.
    Holy shit fairlane you are turning me into a kiss ass.
    I will learn the whole photo thing soon….and the http thing too.

  5. Michelle Malkin would fit in just find down here in Georgia and so would Xanax and shoe shoppers and viagra. You can keep the insane, the killers and liars and we might make a bid for Alabama as long as you accept IOU’s.

  6. I’ll leave the “black white” issue to better “experts.”
    “(Of course, rich white women get away with killing their boyfriends all the time, and no one seems to mind too much).”
    But I did learn somewhere around fourth grade I think, that “He did it first!! was not a valid legal defense.

    Ten felony charges for the “If this shrunken glove won’t fit you must not try a new one” guy, huh? Offhand….I’d say somebody’s getting even. Or maybe even one up. Jesus!! His ass is grass. Johnny Cockroach is dead…..

  7. fairlane you out did yourself
    you cracked me up at 506am!

    as for:
    Secretary Rice after learning she misunderstood, and that Israel is actually populated by the “Jews,” and not “Shoes.”

    i cannot stop laughing……

  8. Kudos for a short but sweet wrap up of all things crazy and unbelieveable! ; )

    I’m with you, what’s with the Goldmans, anyway? ; (

  9. That was such fun to read that I’m gonna read it again. Man, you nailed down each and every nail with just one hammer whack per nail. It’s delicious!

  10. That was the best way to take in the top stories!

  11. Ah, Alabama. That reminds me of Neil Young.

    I don’t think the Xanax will suppress the memories, but after a few of them, you won’t give a flying f*ck.

    Dammit, that salad in the bag was just too easy! Will my Jedi be safe if I buy the hearts of romaine and wash them myself?

  12. Pissed- Glad you enjoyed. Our mission at Jonestown is to put a smile on everyone’s face, and a cup of Kool-Aid in every hand.

    Fran- Brittney is severely disturbed, and she has children. You know it’s bad when “K-Fed” is the “Better Parent.” Those kids are fucked.

    I wasn’t mocking Georgia, I was mocking Alabama. When you live in Kentucky you’re allowed to do such things with complete impunity.

    Ten- They make it so easy with those moronic stories and headlines.

    I wonder if they think we’re stupid?

    David- I kind of channeled Dave Chappelle on that one.

    No ass kissing allowed. Remember, we’re not Wingnuts.

    Pictures are essential. Studies show people are more apt to finish reading your posts if you have pictures. (I’m not sure who does these studies).

    Also, pictures take up space so you don’t have to write as much.

    Larry- We accept IOU’s as long as your references check out.

    Our special today is Alabama, two used golf tees, and the bottom third of Idaho all for three easy payments of $14.91, plus shipping and handling.

    Future- You get defensive on these race issues. It’s not an excuse, it’s simply an observation. No one knows for sure if O.J. is guilty, but we know for a fact that Pickles ran over her boyfriend. We also know Pickles has the Xanax 1000 yard stare. Who says she didn’t have a drug problem back then? People rarely become addicts in their 50’s. Typically they begin abusing drugs at a much younger age.

    Remember, she started dating Chimpy while he was still boozing it up. Odds are she was using back in the day, and it’s something they had in common.

    DCNY- That was my favorite as well.

    “Jews? What do you mean Jews? Who cares about Jews? I thought you said shoes! Does Sweet Cheeks know about this?”

    Coffee- I find that quite disturbing. O.J.’s book deal was canceled, and they’re the ones who started it up again.

    The book is selling like “Hotcakes” according to news reports.

    That’s blood money.

    PoP- I try to be as efficient as possible.

    Mary- I’m trying to get a gig with the Networks, but they say I curse too much. That’s such bullshit!

    Nvisible- I’m surprised Pickles can walk around on that stuff. The one time I took Xanax is a complete blank. I don’t remember shit.

    I’m not sure about the salad. I imagine if you wash it well, boil it, then soak it in bleach it will be fine.

  13. Man, this too weird. I did MY lightning round, as well, today, without having seen your blog!

    Some gossip about O.J. He was and is far as I know a Republican. He was a rent-boy as a teen and pre-teen. Every cock on the block or so we have read.

    Noyce! On Rice and Rock because a box of the latter is what she’s dumb as. And by the way Condi, what comes out of a Chinaman’s ass?

    Old BALL FOUR joke but I guess we’ll have to ask MICHELLE MALKIN for the answer. It’s a clever suggestion, Fairlane, but I think I’m willing to roll the dice with Bush’s relaively sensible selection the Irish Machine pol from my bend in the river instead of Fox’s good old HU FLUNG DUNG. I’ll stop making these kinds of jokes when she does.

    SWEET HOME ALABAMA, huh? Here’s a suggestion. Let Siegelman out of prison. He sues Riley, his wife, Bush and Gonzales for $500 million, gets re-elected and chooses quite a different Skynyrd tune for the anthem just for shits and giggles: THE NEEDLE AND THE SPOON. To Nvisiblewmn, I can only say that the Bush dictatorship has proven that a Southern Man very much DOES need Neil Young around.

  14. I were needin’ a good bellylaugh today, matey!

    I be thankin’ ye fer a good one!

  15. Oh, Pickles. I forgot about Pickles. Here’s a view from the dark side or whichever side of the “war on drugs” you find yourself. In my previous life as an off-shore hedge fund manager, I had a couple of guys from Dallas as investors who during a casual discussion of baseball metioned some stuff about W and Pickles. That they were mad party animals with limitless appetites for everything. And actually a lot of fun to hang around with. I never met them and heard nothing more about them.

    Xanax? OK. Belongs in the family of anti-anxiety agents called benzodiazapines. For some reason, Xanax has currency as the BEST high of the bunch, although good ol’ Valium packs as nice a punch or should I say pillow? But really, Xanax, Lorazepam, Valium, Klonopin…when you crush em up and mix em with Perico they’re all the same. Or crush em up and drink em down with fruit juice, also the same. I read this in THE LANCET and HIGH TIMES. I disavow any personal knowledge about any of this. I could even be making up the story about W and Pickles. But as to my veracity ..I leave in all of your capable hands.

  16. Kelso- Of all the Wingding shitheels, I dislike Malkin the most. Cons think if they roll out some semi-attractive minority woman it makes their vitriol acceptable.

    She’s the modern day equivalent of a Sonderkommando. (Is that correct? The “Special Squads” that assisted the Nazis).

    I wonder if they’re bringing back the Confederate Flag to go along with the Lynyrd Skynyrd song. (Unfortunately, racist Southerners misinterpret LS, and assume they are idiots as well, but some of their songs talk about equality, and one of their biggest hits “Saturday Night Special” is anti-gun).

    Phy- Nice to see you around again.

    Kelso- Xanax is deadly, as are all benzodiazapines. Quitting them is more dangerous than quitting heroin, and people can die from the withdrawal.

    Xanax is the new Valium, and it is easy to get yourself put on it. “I feel anxious Doc.” “Here ya go.”

    When I worked, briefly, at a Methadone clinic around 80% of the “patients” were on Xanax because it takes the edge off the withdrawal they experience 3-4 times a day between using.

    The bad thing is that Methadone and Xanax are synergistic, and it’s fairly common for addicts to die from respiratory failure after combining them.

  17. We’re in worse shape than I thought.

  18. re:She’s the modern day equivalent of a Sonderkommando. (Is that correct? The “Special Squads” that assisted the Nazis).

    yep — those were the Jews that were forced to drag the bodies from the showers to the crematoria. They were killed at regular intervals because they saw exactly what the Nazis were doing.

    read Miklós Nyiszli’s “Auschwitz – A Doctor’s Eyewitness Account.” chilling

  19. I always heard them referred to as “Kapos” but I’m not a real expert on the subject. Thankfully — I guess given the alternative — my grandfather was a guest of many of the fine “hotels” in Upstate New York and Pennsylvania, was long gone from Eastern Europe when those particular types of “hotels” opened for business.

    About Skynyrd, I never had any misgivings about their music. I liked it. And once again, having two extremely close friendships with a Pensacola redneck and Jackson redneck (yes, real friendships, we speak on skype every week) both of whom knew Marucse way better than I did (though I’d never attempt to gig for frogs), I continue to ignore profiling of any kind.

    As far as drugs go, I don’t preach. If I’ve learned anything from my years in therapy and seeing a psychopharmacologist, it’s that everybody’s chemistry is different. I’ve probably lost more Oxys in the couch than most people have had but one hit of “everybody’s wonder drug” — marijuana — would have me crying for my mommy and lying under the covers for two days. Nor do I drink much. Other than a cold beer for refreshment or an occasional bourbon. No shortage of drug sob stories in the good old world, but I do know that when the anxiety bit down hard, I was happy to have the benzodiazipines around. If that bugs you, paisano, my boy Hal Griffin is a higher up at the Office Of Homeland Security, Drugs and Customs division. Please take it up with him and also ask him who he’d give me for Dustin Pedroia in our fantasy baseball league. And yes we DO joke about drugs.

    But I understand my body chemistry very well and again my favorite Chuck Knox quote “I’m going up the middle with McCutcheon and if you can stop me, I congratulate you.” Somehow, though, I don’t that’s your intention. Having been a patient of three very fine psychiatrists over the years, however, “tough love” does not play at all in my sandbox.

  20. Think I may having given myself the boot from Jonestown of all places! I take it all back. All of it. “War On Drugs” is a wonderful thing. Laws are there to “protect us.” One sip of beer leads to a lifetime of abuse and regret. I don’t even know how to speak or read Spanish so I don’t know what “perico” means. I learned all about the dangers of benzodiazapines from John Stossel and Dianne Sawyer and I’m glad about Bush’s signing statement vis-a-vis Pharmacists’ rights to reject a legitmate doctor’s presecription. Crack dealers are worse than Hitler and crack addicts are beneath contempt. I love JONESTOWN. May I stay?

  21. Morse- The scary thing is these are the “happy” stories.

    DCNY- After reading “The War Against the Jews” by Lucy Dawidowicz, and “Night” by Elie Wiesel I’m not sure I can handle any more.

    I think aside from “Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee,” “Night” is the most disturbing book I’ve ever read.

    K- What in the Hell are you talking about?

    Maybe you should cut back on the Xanax, you’re getting paranoid.

    I don’t care if you shove tampons up your butt.

    My point is Pickles and her husband “Captain Morality” are nothing more than a couple of common drug abusing douche bags.

    “Tough love?” Huh?

    I’m from Kentuck, all my friends are “Rednecks,” at least according to those from the Northeast and/or California.

  22. Just having a little fun. I don’t use a lot of Xanax. If I have one iota of a rounding error of a point to make, it seems like something so simple as the criminalization of body chemistry may well be the last taboo or at least the Worst one left in the good ol’ USA because no one can make the point that substance abuse is good for you, wheras you could stretch a point and say Osama bin Laden had been hard done by as you’ve noted yourself following “The War Of Afghani Opression Of The Great State Of Mother Russia and it’s magificent Republics And Satellites.” So, the broader, more scientific view of “drugs” gets no play whatsoever. Michael Massing has written brilliantly on this subject. No paranoia in me. That’s just good old New York irony. You’re a paisano through and through.

  23. Wait! If that K-Fed offer is still open, I’ll buy the option on it!

  24. Jeezie-Peezie, how strong was D-CUP’s “just being me” post? Essential reading for everybody.

  25. FAIRLANE: with regard to “The Mercy Seat” all I can say is “disculpame” (forgive me). I merely have such stronger associations with it re Johnny Cash that I went into vapor lock. It happens to the best; it happens to the rest.

  26. OP- I imagine Brittney is taking bids.

    Kelso- Very nice post without a doubt.

    I was just fucking with you about the Nick Cave song. He did write it, but no one else would have known a thing.

  27. Superb, just superb. I pissed myself.

    Wiping tears. Howls….

    Morgan (Wolfmoonlady)

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