A Rabbi, A Republican and a Cross-Dressing Aborigine Go Into a Bar…

From time to time, Jonestown likes to reach out to our viewers by addressing their questions and comments. We feel it helps keep us grounded, and let’s our readers know that despite our vast Fame, Fortune and General Sexiness we remain deeply committed to those upon whose backs we’ve built our Empire.

Well, that’s not entirely true. My sideline Reporter was arrested over the weekend, and I had to come up with something quick to fill the space. But that other stuff is true. (Some of it at least).

So, without further adieu…

Dear Jonestown,

Is it true crack kills?

Mindy Hoggenswaller
Port Wino, Mississippi

Dear Mindy,


In fact, our team of Scientists recently finished a 2 week study proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that the only thing killing people is death.

We are currently working on a vaccine.

Dear Jonestown,

How much does a decent sized rock cost?

Peter Vander Toe
Skeeter Holler, Virginia

Dear Pete,

(We sure get an inordinate number of questions about Crack)

The price of Crack is inextricably linked to the cost of Two Cheeseburgers in a Paper Bag.

If for some reason you do not have Two Cheeseburgers in a Paper Bag, you may be required to perform certain “Favors” that would make even a Wingnut Congressman blush.

Dear Jonestown,

I’m 21 years old, and a Sophmore in High School. I recently joined the Cheerleading Squad, and things are not turning out as planned.

The Seniors constantly make fun of me saying I have no Fucking idea how to lead a rousing Cheer, and that my routine during “Can’t Touch This” is “Pure Shit.”

I’m not sure what to do, as I’ve dreamed of being a Cheerleader since I started High School back in 2000.

What should I do?


Did I mention I’m a dude?

Barry Wayne Gorgonzola
Whitewash, Connecticut

Dear Barry,

Wow, you are in a quite a Pickle, but I wouldn’t worry too much. One day you’ll make a Wonderful President.

Hold on to your dreams.

Dear Jonestown,

My Dad says you’re nothing but a bunch of Commie Potheads?

What say you?

Don Donaldson
Dovetail, Wyoming

Dear Don,

I resent your Father’s implications. I am not now nor have I ever been a member of the Communist Party. Have you no sense of decency, sir?

As for the drugs…

I mentioned at the beginning our sideline Reporter was arrested this past weekend, and I imagine it is the Louisville Police who are currently “Chiefing” up the Joint as they say.

Dear Sons of Bitches,

You told me you were going to bail my Ass out Yesterday.

Where in the Fuck were you?

I’m using a Three Day Old Bologna Sandwich for a Pillow.

The “Sideline Reporter”
Fucking Jail U.S.A.

Hey, Speak of the Devil,

Sorry dude, but we’re still hurting from the last time we bailed your dumbass out of Jail, and your Mom owes me 5 grand.

She told me she was selling her car to at least begin paying me back, and then I saw her yesterday in the Drive-Thru at Taco Bell in that very car.

What the Fuck Dude?

For now, your best bet is to keep quiet. “No Habla Ingles” if you know what I mean.

By the way, a couple of Jamaicans were looking for you yesterday. They didn’t seem very happy.

Hang in there Bro’.

Well, I guess that about wraps it up for this segment. Gosh, I feel like we really connected that time, and I learned a great deal.

I’d like to finish with a joke, and a couple of tidbits of Wisdom.

A Rabbi, a Republican Senator, and a Cross Dressing Aborigine go into a bar…

Aborigine- Shit!

Rabbi- What’s wrong there Cochise?

Aborigine- I forget my lipstick, and it really brings out my eyes in this dress.

Republican Senator- No worries Sugar Tits. What color did you say you needed?

Okay kids, don’t forget when Crossing the street to Stop, Drop and Roll.

And always chew with your mouth closed. Unless of course you don’t have a nose or you have a really bad sinus infection or if your mom forced you to eat something nasty like Beets, and you’re thinking of Spitting them on her because it makes no sense for her to make you eat something she knows you’ll Hate.


~ by fairlane on September 26, 2007.

13 Responses to “A Rabbi, A Republican and a Cross-Dressing Aborigine Go Into a Bar…”

  1. Charming as usual:)

  2. Thanks a lot, Fucktard, for making me shart thrice in one post.

  3. Fairlane – have you considered a career in Help Desk? You would be a natural at it.



  4. I name my son after Barry Gargonzola; as far as crack. Don’t knock it till….hold up…….. wait a minute………………………………… till you try it.

  5. “A Rabbi, A Republican and a Cross-Dressing Aborigine Go Into a Bar…”
    I’m getting better. I’ve learned never to come anywhere close to this blog when anything liquid’s in the room…..

  6. I wondered who stole my new lipstick. It was that bitch Larry Craig.


  7. I was with your reporter when he got arrested. He didn’t do anything wrong. Someone handed him a joint under the stall wall while he was on the john. He of course took it. He is not a stoner. He has never been a stoner.

  8. Fer cri, it wasn’t a joint. It was a rolled up piece of toilet paper with some ‘activity’ suggestions on it. Some guys don’t always get the hand signals you know.

  9. I didn’t know you answered viewer mail. Where can I send my questions? In what areas do you consider yourself an expert? Do you know how to get rid of skunk smell, for example? I’ve never HAD to get rid of it, but I’m petrified of what would happen if one sprayed me, and I had no idea how to unstink myself. Can you cover it up with perfume? Febreeze? Where is the best place to buy underwear?

  10. of the three who went into the bar — who had the wide stance?

  11. Oh, you guys are killing me, thanks for the laughs!

  12. Chad- You know I went to “Charm School” what did you expect?

    Cunning- Sorry about that assmunch. We sell corks in the Gift Shop.

    Ten- Actually Ten, that was my second choice right behind Congressional Page.

    David- Crack is delicious, and it goes perfectly with a nice salad, and some Fava beans.

    Future- You probably shouldn’t come anywhere near this blog without a Tetanus shot either.

    Fran- But he’s not “Gay.” In fact, he never smiles.

    PoP- You are true blue, but it may be too late. He agreed to turn State’s evidence in order to save his own ass. (For marriage I think).

    Jess- I wondered about that as well. Where do people learn these signals, and have I ever inadvertently given a “signal?” They really need to write this shit down somewhere. Maybe they could post it on the door or something.

    Nvisible- I’m pretty much an “expert” on all topics. I’m even a part time Ninja.

    The best way to get rid of Skunk smell is to roll in dog shit or a litter box if you have cats.

    I get my underwear at Goodwill.

    DCNY- That’s a good question, and to be honest I’m not exactly sure. All of them maybe?

    Larry- Our pleasure. Thanks for the visit.

  13. Fairlane, you could look for those undies at yard sales, too. Might be cheaper there.

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