What Can I Say? Wait…I Know




penguincoffee.jpgBe afraid! Be very afraid!!

As you may or may not know, fairlane has been putting out the feelers to various writers for the purpose of contributing to his blog. True to form, he works hard to find something to offend everyone, which is just a “mean-spirited” way of saying he wants his blog’s content to be diverse. Since I am an equal opportunity offender and since my views socially, fiscally, spiritually, and epistemologically are, for the most part, out of step with fairlane’s, it just seemed like a good fit for me to become a contributor. To that end, I’m humbled and honored to be a new member of the Jonestown Super Team.

But what’s it all for? Damn fine question, to be sure. Why this column? What do I hope to gain? What the hell is a radical, Christian, Wingnut doing contributing to a radical, (fill in the blank), Moonbat site?

Well, to begin with, I’m a freelance journalist (whatever the hell that means) and because of my journalistic background I get bored writing to please my editor. I get bored writing in AP style…and I get bored writing about everyone else’s life, observations, etc. Also, when your writing is so limited by format, you develop a tendency to be formulaic. Thus, journalists and bloggers alike are in an almost constant battle against burnout. Fairlane’s only condition of my contributing to this site is that I don’t advocate genocide or some other such nonsense. That means, I can be just as random, just as creative, just as whatever as I want to be. I’m hoping the excursion will be therapeutic for me.

In addition, the fact that fairlane and I are close friends is somewhat of a novelty, when you consider that we are diametrically opposed on most issues. Our partnership here is akin to a laboratory experiment, but with a twist: like those wack job mad scientists on the Sci-Fi channel, we are experimenting on ourselves. In this case, both fairlane and I are the ones in the test tube. It will be interesting to see if the Jonestown readership will play Bunsen burner in this scenario.

Since this is a virgin trip for both of us, and probably you as well, it would be a good time to explain a little bit about what you can expect from this column.

Expect to be amused, bored, pissed off, disoriented, and occasionally, you may (God forbid) agree with this writer. So, you’ve been warned. Now that you know a little about me and a little about what to expect, I can no longer be held responsible for your predictable discomfort and those…ahem! “Pass the Maalox, please, quick!” feelings you’ll soon be experiencing. I press onward…

The “Penguin” moniker: what’s that all about? Basically, it’s a symbol for anything, which perturbs our pride, our reason and our moral sensibilities. It will be a welcome surprise if my background alone doesn’t elicit some, shall we say, discomfort among the natives.

After all, conservatives are pretty much synonymous with hypocrisy these days and the fact that a “true” Wingnut would be a featured contributor on a Liberal blog is quite a phenomenon, let alone a Wingnut who endeavors to be honest, consistent, and truth seeking. For that reason, I was going to name the column, “The Honest Hypocrite”, and feature a short video clip of myself dressed in drag and dancing to the theme of Darby O’Gill and the Little People. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darby_O’Gill_and_the_Little_People

But in the end I felt the image of a Penguin floating in my java was more representative of the broad based perturbation occurring in our psyches anytime our pet epistemologies are challenged.

For that matter, any time our neat little philosophical systems are challenged, we get the sense that something “pure” has been defiled. We get the uneasy feeling that the brown, elongated object floating in the punchbowl isn’t some exotic fruit. Nor is it a candy bar. And now that the wind has shifted, we become uncomfortably aware of “an inconvenient truth”: Someone has taken a shit in the punchbowl.

Such will be the flavor and aroma of this column. Bear in mind, you didn’t think there was a damn thing wrong with that punch you were sipping before you realized what was floating in the bowl. The same is true for that penguin infested cup-o-Joe and, perhaps, to a lesser extent, a radical Christian Conservative nutbar column featured on a Liberal blog.

What a world!


~ by max1milli0n on October 18, 2007.

11 Responses to “What Can I Say? Wait…I Know”

  1. Okay…wingnut. Show us whatcha got and start with the god nonsense. I’m up for duking it out on that front. Tell me how you go from a world being created only 6,000 years ago to being “truth seeking”?

  2. Welcome? Looking forward to seeing what happens.

  3. fasten our seat belts
    it is going to be a bumpy ride……

    but hey bumps can sometimes be good….

  4. You are part of the super team….buck up man!

  5. Actually, Sparty (you probably already know this, so I must assume your smart assed question is rhetorical…Cocky bastard!) One need not be a young earth creationist (YEC) to be a conservative. In fact, one need not be a YEC to be a Christian. Also, honesty and truth are not necessarily the same thing. That’s a topic we’ll discuss in an upcoming post. Seriously, though, I appreciate the question, even if you are only screwing around. Don’t worry my friend; no need to hit the gas like that. The God nonsense will indeed come out. In the meantime, I thank you, Sparticus, PissedinNYC, Distributorcap, DBD for making me feel welcome.

  6. Well FranIam is here to add her good wishes. And to say it is possible to believe in God(she does)not be a creationist (oh please ) or a conservative (fuck no).

    This is going to be good, I can feel it.

  7. Pleased to make your acquaintance, Max.

    “Step on the gas?” You’ve encountered mi hermano y nextdoor-eker, SPARTACUS, but you haven’t gotten the full sense of the two guys too insane to even merit consideration for the A-Team.

    I can’t speak for Spartacus but I love the idea of a bright conservative amongst us. I can always take a lesson.

    I assume you already know that shit about the USSR isn’t going to fly, nor rehashed Bill O’Reilly, nor Saddam’s atrocities, nor anti-PC stuff, nor even the glorys of the free market. Trying to sneak that shit past us is like trying to sneak a lambchop past a wolf.

    I’m a fucking city Kike, hater of AIPAC, believer in a Palestinian state. So don’t do me any favors by saying “JUDEO-Christian values.” I don’t want any piece of that. “Christian values” works for me. Bill Kristol is a Jew. I’m a Kike — expatriated by Bill Frist to a place far, far away with no TREATY with MOTHERFUCKING HIJOPUTA UNCLE SAM, a boy with far too many close relatives having spent time as guests of the state of New York and of the government of the U.S.A., so I could go to college and grad school, un tio que tiene buena facilidad con el idioma, huequito! So, burn a cross? I burn a flag. Christ, I’ll burn a US flag for fun. But I don’t because it’s stupid and because they have no US flags where I live.

    I’ve forgotten more about economics and finance than Larry Kudlow knows. If that’s your bag, let’s discuss how to put on a non-deliverable interest-rate forward in synthetic Zolty, crossed and financed with synthetic Czech Koruna. And that’s plain vanilla stuff. Ask me a hard one.

    So, no “in the long run the stock market always goes up” or “the business of America is business,” or “harumph, my taxes….” Either pay your taxes or learn how to shelter your income, but don’t be whining about welfare and the unsustainability of Social Security. Si lo hagas, te cortare los huevos sin pensar. You thought the right-wing blogosphere was crazy? On the Left, we don’t have any Eric Altermans or Al Frankens. We play for keepsies.

    I’m Atheist. Not Agnostic. Atheist. I’m Straight, but Gay. I’m White, but Brown. Yet..No friend of Bush and no friend of Obama.

    And to quote the poet: “I got rich, but I’ll never switch.”

    I congratulate you on your joining a super-rad team and I know your shit will be strong. It’s clear from your introductory post that your writing’s A+ in content, style and flow.

    Buena suerte y un abrazo de mi parte!

  8. Sparty? Ha. I like that nickname. I just may steal it. And like my boy KELSO, I am fucking with you somewhat, but I thought I’d drop a boulder into this serene pond to see what waves it makes. So now that I know you are one of the Fairlane Superteam, I can’t wait to bowled over, blown away or utterly disgusted with your prose. Here’s to looking forward….

  9. Hey, Max!

    I’m sorry I’m late to say hello. So, hello and I’m glad to be part of this Jonestown team with you.

  10. Damn, you already have a fan club.

    Fucking Wingnuts!

  11. SPARTY(!): So far the team has taken the Bill James approach and is looking at a few pitches before swinging. Good idea. They’re trying to see everything we have and tire us out a little but Kerry showed how effective that strategy is if you wait too long. Thinking tactically now, if you’re Fairlane, what do you do? Do you send out D-CUP knowing we’re not coming hard but giving us a chance to rest? Or do you let Max1m^2 show us something, with the chance that we’ll make him look silly? Not sure what I’d do. I guess I’d probably send up Max1m^2 up there because the expectations just grow higher the he waits.

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