Harry Potter character comes out of the closet: News at eleven
Hey, have you heard the latest Harry Potter news? Ooooh…it’s a shocker. You’re not going to believe it; Before a packed house at Carnegie the other night, J.K. Rowling was asked by a fan if Dumbledore ever finds true love. Rowling’s response? “Dumbledore is gay.” That gives a “hole” new meaning to the term “hocus pocus” doesn’t it?
And now that Dumbledore is out of the closet as it were, can we expect future startling admissions about the characters of the Harry Potter series? I can hear it now. Next time Rowling is asked some innocuous question at a large public gathering she’ll blurt out:
“Harry Potter’s name is really Hairy Pooter!” It turns out Hairy was twice adopted and the first set of parents thought it best to change his name for fear it would somehow bestow some latent homosexual tendencies. That’s why Voldemort had to eliminate them. He was part of a radical gay wizard movement bent on eradicating homophobic wizards who thought they made better parents than homosexual ones. Of course, that’s why the straight wizards were homophobic in the first place. But we don’t talk about that shit in “respectable” circles because it’s just not P.C. and all.
Then again, Rowling’s admission about Dumbledore does explain a couple of things: like the long dresses, the tenor voice, and the Jack Sparrow like body language. Actually, no; he could’ve just been an effeminate cross dressing heterosexual wizard. Oh the shame of it. I’ll never look at Dumbledore the same way again…neither will you (PUKE!).
Look people, this wouldn’t be such a big deal except this story made BIG news. I’m wondering why. Aren’t you? Who fucking cares? How is Dumbledore’s sexual orientation relevant to….anything? He’s an imaginary character whose sexual behavior doesn’t need to be explained. Does this “fact” change who Dumbledore is? Does this coming out have any bearing on the stories? Will it make a difference in the real world? Does Carmen Electra wear panties? “Inquiring minds want to know.” Somebody please explain it to this obtuse, sexually repressed, homophobic, conservative, because I, sure as hell, don’t fucking get it.
I’m still trying to figure out why Rowling had to go and bring poor Albus out of the closet. Talk about non-sequitur, the fan in question didn’t ask her Dumbledore’s sexual orientation. She asked if he ever finds true love. Couldn’t Rowling have just said, “No” and left it at that? For the answer she gave, she would’ve done just as well to reply, “Dumbledore’s sperm count is unusually high these days.”
And what of the audience’s response to this nascent idea? Time magazine reported that “gasps” were heard and then “applause.” As if:
“Oh my gosh! Dumbledore is gay!”
“Did I hear her correctly?”
“I think she did…she did say that Dumbledore is gay. I always knew there was something about that man.”
“Well, my word! This is wonderful! I just can’t contain my glee. I am totally enraptured with that idea. I simply must clap…oh, and look…everyone else is clapping too.”
“Why isn’t this just marvelous?”
“Spontaneous applause…I declare!”
“As a role model, you can hardly do better than Albus Dumbledore. I hope my children grow up to be just like him.”
Only the admission that an imaginary character is gay could illicit those kind of warm fuzzy feelings “coupled” with a concurrent media pimp response. What kind of world are we living in where something like this could be so monumental? Shit people! Get a life!