Jonestown Salutes Nancy Nord, George W. Bush, Condi Rice, Dead Kennedys, and Product Safety


fairlane1329.jpgAs a tribute to Nancy Nord, the acting Director of the Consumer Product Safety Commission, the Patriotic Team here at Jonestown worked diligently (Almost 11 minutes straight) to develop an award fitting for such a fine American Citizen.

Ms. Nord is an inspiring woman, and as the Director of an Underfunded, Understaffed, Ineffective Agency that is now in the spotlight due to the recent safety issues concerning toys, toothpaste, dog food etc., she is doing what any Director of an Underfunded, Understaffed, Ineffective Agency would do. She’s asking Congress not to increase her budget or to stiffen punishments for companies that put Lead in our children’s Milk.

In honor of Ms. Nord’s steadfast Ho’ to Corporate Pimp Loyalty, Jonestown is awarding Ms. Nancy Nord the first ever-


“You Smell Like a Douche and You Act Like One Too” Award

We Salute You Nancy Nord!

Hasbro Orders Recall of Easy Bake Oven and In Related News President Bush Injures His Right Hand

According to sources close to Jonestown, Hasbro, Inc. has ordered a recall of 985,000 Easy Bake Ovens because of reports that children were getting their hands and fingers trapped in the front opening, which resulted in several children being burned.

Initially Hasbro sent out a free repair kit, but decided on a complete recall after 249 additional reports of children being injured by the Easy Bake Oven surfaced.

In related news, Jonestown learned that President Bush canceled a Dinner Party scheduled this weekend at the White House. The Official Explanation is that President Bush injured his right hand while “shaving.”

President Bush after hearing of the Easy Bake Oven Recall.



(Jonathan Ernst/Reuters)
President Bush showing Press his injured hand.



(AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)
“Still hurts.”



(REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque)
“Zee right hand you say? Da, da, sucks to be you.”


(REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque)
“Look, we’re talking about a very serious injury to the President’s dominant hand. His beard, much like the President himself, is very steadfast and resolute. We adamantly deny these persistent rumors circulating that President Bush hurt his hand while playing with an
Easy Bake Oven.”


(AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)
“Do you really think an
Easy Bake Oven could cause this kind of bruising? Heh, heh, uh I don’t think so.”



(REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque)
“Have you ever seen anything like it? Heh, heh, uh of course you haven’t you’re just a kid. I feel like I got hit with a roadside bomb or something. Know whatta mean? Heh, heh, heh, heh. The Press think I hurt it on an
Easy Bake Oven. Heh, heh, heh, Easy Bake Oven, like uh, huh, uh, I have an Easy Bake Oven.”



(AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)
“Don’t worry America. The “Decider” remains Steadfast and Resolute, you can count on me. Just don’t ask me to count. Heh, heh, eh, heh, huh, uh, heh, eh?”


Condoleeza Rice Reports No Progress Being Made

To follow up a story we covered last week, still no progress in Secretary of State Condi Rice’s search for nookie.

In an exclusive interview with Jonestown Secretary Rice reported, “No, I haven’t gotten laid yet, but I tell you I feel like it’s coming real soon. Hee, Hee, Hee, did you hear that, I said coming? Gosh, I’m just so tense right now, like I have this big ball of something that so desperately needs to come out. Golly, I said it again. Tee hee.”

Secretary Rice went on to say, “If something doesn’t happen soon I’m going to have to start another war. It’s either give Condi the old “in-out” or watch your Mutha’ Fuckin’ Ass! Ya’ hear me Bitches?”

Dead Kennedys

I am the Owl





~ by fairlane on November 6, 2007.

12 Responses to “Jonestown Salutes Nancy Nord, George W. Bush, Condi Rice, Dead Kennedys, and Product Safety”

  1. Fairlane –

    You are soooo good at this – I’m gonna have to learn from you!


  2. Thanks Ten, but I must say you have some pretty damn righteous chops yourself.

    Every time I visit M.P.S. I crack up.

    And I can’t take credit for the pictures. I’d like to thank Yahoo, and Photobucket. Oh, and serendipity.

    I’ve always been an accomplished smart ass.

    My mother will be more than happy to back me up on that claim.

  3. ROFL, very nice send up as usual.

    I for one think condi and g’dubya been rubbin’ uglies for years…

    Eeeeeewwwwww, I just grossed myself out!

    The scientifically impossible I do right away
    The spiritually miraculous takes a bit longer

  4. […] post by fairlane This was written by . Posted on Tuesday, November 6, 2007, at 1:57 pm. Filed under […]

  5. This was amazing and more amazing. Makes me want to fire up the 20 watt light bulb in the Easy Bake oven and hurt myself just so that I can feel something.

    This is an outstanding post- done in a style that only you can muster Fairlane.

  6. “You lead by example Lord Fairlane”(insert British accent)

  7. Good stuff, Boss. That toy was really popular with the girls when I was a little boy. Not one girl I went to elementary school with could have done a worse job than this so-and-so Bush has. I don’t mean as adults. I mean as little kids.

    As for Condi Rice, my gentlemanly nature prevents me from expressing how I really feel about her but everything you need to know about “Dr.What-Comes-Out-Of-A-Chinaman’s-Ass” is this: her dissertation sought to prove the theme that the Soviet menace had grown overwhelmingly powerful under Gorbachev and a first-strike might be necessary. She “defended” that dissertation about a week before the Berlin Wall fell.

  8. I wonder what answer Mukasey would give to the Senate Committee if they asked if Hasbro could be indicted for torturing Gee Dubya with the Easy Bake Oven?

    Don’t ever stop, Fairlane. You’re very good at this and I figure we’re going to need your brand of humor for a long time.

  9. Was the Easy Bake Oven a Chinese made product? Because chimpy now wants to enact tougher rules on unsafe products and foods. Now. Nice send up here fairlane. Good thing I had finished my dinner a while ago because all I could think of when you put the idea of Condi and sex togther was “ewwwww….”

  10. If this constitutes sex harrassment, I absolve myself ex-ante: I could not raise it with a crane in bed with “Dr.” Rice. I give W credit for having stronger libido or more ecletic taste.

  11. great great post and ROFLMAO
    now i have to go bake a cake in honor of Georgie’s injured hand…..

  12. Dave- “Lord fairlane?” Well, sitting here in my stately manor I want everyone to know that I, not unlike J-Lo, have not forgotten my roots, and I’m still just “fairlane from the block.”

    K- Condi is thoroughly despicable, and apparently she’s a genius to boot.

    I wonder if she has a 1-900 number so I can call and get her to do a “Reading.”

    Susan- I imagine he’d say he has to “Look into the matter before coming to a conclusion. It depends on the circumstances. Is the childrens (Bushism) learning to bake or is the childrens learning to love Al-Qaida?”

    My sense of humor (And an extremely hard head) is why I’ve made it this far.

    Spart- The thought of Condi naked is appalling is it not? Gives me the Willies, but does nothing for my “Willie.”

    K- Again, I completely agree. I don’t think Condi likes men. It makes sense if all the extremist Wingnuts males are closeted that the women would be as well.

    Self-loathing loves company, as they say.

    DCNY- Just don’t put a file in it. We don’t want to assist him if, and when his criminal ass ends up in the Hoosegow.

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