Jonestown Presents- “An Evening with the Search Engines” Starring- Hugh Beaumont, Barbara Billingsley, Tony Dow, and Jerry Mathers as the Beaver


fairlane's foiblesAlthough I believe traffic from the Search Engines, for the most part, is worthless, it does serve as a source of entertainment.

The things people search for, and how they end up at Jonestown cracks me up.

Here, see for yourself-

“Picture of man having sex with a monkey”

Two things about this search.

1) Jonestown got two hits on this exact phrase. So, either the same person visited twice or two different people are interested in watching some Man on Monkey lovin’.

I’m not sure which one is more disturbing.

2) I have no fucking idea why the searcher/searchers visited this post-

Man Accused of Having Sex With a Goat.”

Yes, they both involve men giving the old “In-Out” to animals, but a Goat is no Monkey, and if I’m hankering for some hot steamy “B.J. and the Bear” DP action, a Billygoat is not cutting it.

I mean, obviously the person fought off the voice in their head that said, “Dude, you are one Sick Bastard.” Why would they Chicken out at the last minute, and go for the Goat? Hell, this is America, a country that is at the very least 57% Redneck, someone Humping a Goat is about as rare as a Brittney Spears sighting. But laying the Man Love on a Chimp, now that’s something to see.

Unfortunately, Jonestown has no picture of a “Man” having sex with a Monkey. However, we do have a picture of a Woman who has, or at least has had, sex with a Chimpy.



“Gay Wizard Movement”

I can only imagine how proud Johnny Wingnut will be when he sees someone found his Post about Harry Potter using that search phrase.

Maybe he can start a Gay Wizard Fan Club.

Gay Wizard Movement


“Dumb Fat Ass Mother Fuckers Named Fred”

I’m still laughing about that one.

For having the best search phrase ever, here’s your pic without further interference from me.

fred thompson


“Fuck Her Ass With a Broom”

This one perplexed me for a moment until…I remembered a comment left by our Resident Catholic “Fran.”

Fran said, ” Honestly – and this is a brutal image, but I think if people were getting boinked up the ass with splintery broom handles but were told “it is in the interest of national security” they’d be “oh, OK.”

You can visit Fran Here

Tell her, while I accept that each person has their own “Thing,” I’d appreciate it if she’d keep her filthy, gutter dwelling mind in her own Church.

After all, Who Would Jesus Boink?


“If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain’t the kind of pussy to drink it.”

Ah yes, good old Rory Breaker.

For those of you Familiar with Mr. Breaker, and the excellent movie “Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels,” this phrase is Old Hat.

For those of you who have no Fucking Idea what I’m talking about, not even Jesus can save Your Sorry Ass.

Rory Breaker


“Running a Cemetery without a License”

Again, I was perplexed.

I always make sure to dissolve the bodies in Acid so as not to leave any trace evidence. I’d never bury them. That’s a huge no-no, and doing so is a sure way to get Caught.

A Cemetery without a License?

Wait, I know!

There is one place in the “Blogosphere,” one place so heinous, so hideous, so completely revolting, it’s definitely no stretch to refer to it as a Cemetery. In fact, the place I have in mind is owned and operated by a Ghoul, a Crime Against Humanity, the Worst Kind of “Person” Imaginable.

Yes, Yes, I remember visiting there and saying to myself, not unlike that Little Annoying Fucking Kid from “Sixth Sense,” (Who plays the same damn kid over and fucking over in every Damn Movie!),

“I see Dead People.”

I cannot speak their name because doing so may conjure Demons, but I will display their picture.

(Not sure why the Demons make an Exception when it comes to pictures, but that’s what their Union Rep told me).

Michelle Malkin


Speaking of Demons…

“How to Find Pleasure in Satan”

One of our more popular Search Phrases here at Jonestown. Yep, between “Naked Boobies,” “Ty Pennington Naked,” and “Satan” we don’t get much else.

This isn’t really “Satan” per se, but I imagine Hell Looks something like this…

Burt Reynolds


Until Next Time America-

God Bless.

Always remember to Wear Your Safety Belts, and


*I got an email today about enlarging my penis from a man named Charles Butcher.

I’m not sure if I’m going to take him up on his offer.





~ by fairlane on November 12, 2007.

14 Responses to “Jonestown Presents- “An Evening with the Search Engines” Starring- Hugh Beaumont, Barbara Billingsley, Tony Dow, and Jerry Mathers as the Beaver”

  1. Odd man… I found you by searching IRREVERANT SATIRICAL GENIUS.

    Strange searches is right. There are 300,000 employees in China who monitor internet and email traffic. The green tea breaks those guys must have! Once in a while some loser types in Tiannamen Square, Freedom, Dala Lama or some other arrestable phrase, but mostly it must be enjoying the odd bout of stupidity. SEX WITH PANDA WHILE EATING BAMBOO…

  2. I was looking to buy an old car when I found him.

    The search terms are bizarre, but your comments are hilarious.

  3. Damn, you found me out. I knew I would get caught one day on that man on monkey sex phrase.

  4. Man, mine aren’t as amusing:

    mystique monks coffee & regret

    Those are the strangest for me! ; (

    By the way, even a white man can’t find a job where I live. Too much background working at a real job is my guess. Maybe even able to communicate simply too. ; (

    Thanks for the drive by!

  5. Ouch- it is my birthday and this is what I get… Malkin followed by naked Burt Reynolds!!!!!!!!!!!!


    And my filthy mind, will be sanctified and wander where it wants to go!!

    Thanks for the referral.

  6. question — did Mrs. Cleaver wear her pearls while making a omelet?

  7. Try this one- Anal cranial extraction.

    Malkin’s hot!!!

    I thought i would get that off my chest

  8. Everyone will be proud to know that Jonestown is now ranked 2nd and 3rd for “Ty Pennington Naked.”


    900 hits on a post that has nothing to do with Ty Pennington.

  9. Oh shoot, now I have a head full of gross images and once again it’s time to remove my brain and soak it in clorox.

    I believe we have proof doctor that that there are some sick fucks in this world of ours.

    I was going to comment that I knew of a woman who had sex with a chimp, but you beat me to it with that pic of laura and the pretzelnit.

  10. The scary thing PoP is we get some truly disturbing searches, but I’m not sure what to do or how they find Jonestown through them.

  11. The one pic could also be that of a “monkey having sex with a potted plant.”

  12. I was very pleased to notice that a newish posting of mine brings seekers of “naked pizza” to my blog and my old fav., “sexy vegans” (Dennis Kucinich of course.) But more seriously…”husband faked feelings.” Actually beause I refuse to pay for the statcounter, I erase it every 500 hits and have probably lost track of a few gems.

    Congrats on “How to find pleasure in Satan.” I like it.

  13. I felt kind of sick-ish after that Burt Reynolds pic….

  14. The only thing friggin weirder than the things people search for is the shit we post! 😆

    My place was somehow found by some nice people looking for “cow penis,” which is a total mystery to me, “love canal,” yup, I said that, and of course, “cunning runt.”

    BTW fairlane, totally off-topic, but a person named “Gadget” left a long and info-filled response to my “greasecar” post, in case you’re interested.

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