Barry Bonds, Steroids, and Why It’s Okay to Cheat if You Love Jesus

fairlane

Barry Bonds was indicted today on 3 counts of perjury, as well as Obstruction of Justice.

Yawn.

I’m perplexed why people give a shit, I really am.

Who cares?

I guess I’m just a “Moral Relativist” because the only thing about steroids that bothers me is the fact it increases people’s dome size to Lynn Cheney Proportions, and I find that absolutely terrifying.

(Just look at that Fucking Thing, will you? Remember, she’s about five or six inches shorter than Darth)

And that’s just one of the many awesome side effects of steroid abuse.

“Damn dude, that Zit on your shoulder is bigger than one of your shrunken balls!”

Seriously, if Bonds, and the many other Steroid users, are that Fucking Stupid, then I say, “Bully for You, You Dumb Shits.”

But how does Steroid Abuse in Baseball affect the price of Peanuts?

Before you wind-up, please spare me the “Sanctity of the Game” BS.

Please.

When people talk about the “Sanctity of the Game,” it reminds me of those who talk about the “Good ol’ Days.”

I have yet to find those mythical days of Yore when people never lied, used drugs, cheated, committed adultery, killed, robbed, maimed, or any of that other good Shit we do in “Today’s World.”

Old people know we have history books, don’t they?

I’m no Baseball Expert, but I remember a couple of things about the “Golden Years” and some of the game’s “Great Players” that makes the “Outrage” from the “Old Timers” seem disingenuous at best.

-The 1919 Chicago “Black” Sox threw a world series. (In fact, after the turn of the century, betting on baseball, and throwing games was a fairly common occurrence).

-Babe Ruth bragged about playing Drunk, and was a notorious misogynist.

-Ty Cobb, aside from being a drunk, believed blacks are inferior to whites. (Oh, he also was involved in several violent incidents, including charging the stands to assault a handicapped man who had the nerve to heckle him).

-Mickey Mantle drank until his Liver was nothing more than Scar Tissue, and then bypassed people on the Organ Recipient List even though Alcoholics are supposed to be prohibited from receiving Liver Transplants.

-Amphetamine abuse was Prolific during the 1980’s as a way to combat fatigue, and to increase alertness. Why no asterisks alongside records from that era? (I’m pretty sure Amphetamines were just as illegal then, as they are now).

I could go on and on annihilating the “Sanctity of the Game” argument, but it’s pointless because this isn’t about “Purity.”

This is about two things.

1) Barry Bonds is a Prick

and

2) Barry Bonds is a Black Prick

Americans just don’t like “Mouthy, arrogant, Negroes” who are indifferent to our Demands.

Nope. We just don’t like it all.

Barry Bonds should be kissing our feet for the opportunity to make millions playing a game.

Unfortunately, Barry disagrees, and he’s going to pay for that egregious error in judgment.

“Oh come on, everything isn’t about Race,” you say.

You’re right it’s not, but some things are, and this is one of those things.

I listed some of the reasons above.

Have you ever heard anyone bad mouth “The Babe” for being a drunken womanizer? Nope. He’s the “Greatest Player” in the Game’s history, and one of it’s most important “Ambassadors.”

How about Ty Cobb? Where’s the Scathing critique of who he was as a human being? Why wasn’t he kicked out of baseball for his numerous assaults? (At least Barry never stabbed anyone or beat up a man who had mangled hands).

And let’s look at some modern era players.

Why is Jason Giambi still playing again? Didn’t he confess to using Steroids? Why are his home run totals, etc still on the books? Is it because he didn’t break any records? So, it’s okay to cheat as long as it only makes you “Really Good” and not “Great?”

Buy let’s forget Giambi, he’s small time. Instead let’s turn to one of the Game’s biggest “Pricks.”

Roger Clemens.

Roger Clemens’ name has come up several times during the “Steroid Scandal.”

Several of the criticisms leveled against Bonds also apply to Clemens.

1) Clemens is noticeably more muscular now than he was ten years ago.

2) A great deal of Clemens’ success has come at a time in his career when most players are in decline. (Especially power pitchers).

*Forty three percent of Clemens’ wins came after the age of 35. He’s also won four Cy Young Awards during this same period of time. That’s pretty fucking strange, and when you take into account he was considered “Washed up” in 1996, after his last season in Boston, it’s really fucking strange. (In contrast, 39% of Bonds’ homers have come since he turned 35).

3) Clemens is associated with known participants in the “Steroid Scandal,” including suppliers.

(Giganticus Cranium Syndrome)

But we don’t hear much about Clemens and steroids do we?

“He never tested positive,” is one of the most common apologist claims.

Yeah, neither did Sammy Sosa, Mark McGuire or Jose Canseco. (Canseco not only confessed to using steroids, he wrote a fucking book about how much he loved using Steroids).

*Designer steroids were created to evade tests, and to this day no adequate test exists for Human Growth Hormone (HGH).

“He never tested positive,” is a weak defense.

Why the difference in treatment and view point on these two player’s places in history?

I know Bonds supposedly tested positive, but no one knew that until today. He was convicted years ago.

One reason for his early conviction is that Bonds made the mistake of pissing off “Sports Writers.”

Sports Writers reside one slot above those two dolts Marcy Sugar, and Kathy Mitchell (“Annie’s Mailbox,” an Insipid “Advice” column) on the Hack Totem Pole.

Sports writers are so Fucking Cliché, it’s Cliché to say they’re Cliché.

And talk about an “Inferiority Complex.” Just looking at them you can imagine how they sat at the edge of the Field as young boys cursing their Leg Braces or their Mothers who wouldn’t let them play sports because “It’s too dangerous.”

Yep, Bonds is their whipping boy, and man do they love lashing his ass. He’s everything they resent.

However, Clemens is also an Arrogant Prick, and he’s Worshiped by most Sports Writers.

So.

I guess that leads us back to the “Black thing.”

I hate being the constant Bearer of Bad News, but this is complete Bullshit America.

You don’t have to be a minority to see what’s going on not just in the Sport’s World, but in our Society in General.

Racism is like that Piece of Shit Husband the woman at work can’t seem to Dump.

We know it’s wrong, we know it hurts all of us, we know it’s anti-thetical to everything we supposedly believe, but we just can’t let it go. It gives us Comfort.
We don’t mind “Successful Negroes,” as long as they don’t act “Ghetto” or, even worse, like they don’t give a Shit.

We want Gratitude.

I find this Funny.

“Those Goddamned athletes would be nothing without us Fans, and they need to show some Fucking Respect, and sign our Nipples whenever we ask.”

(You know what? A lot of Fans would be “nothing” without the Sports Heroes through whom they vicariously live out their Childhood Fantasies).

To use a local example, far too many people in Louisville still consider Muhammad Ali “Disgraceful.”

Ali didn’t just save the Neanderthal Sport of Boxing, he impacted our Entire Society. He was always generous with his time, and money, and he did something most people would never do, He Stood on his Principles in the Face of the Power Structure and said, “Fuck You!”

Ali is a huge figure in American History, and most people would be proud to achieve even a tenth of what he has in his lifetime.

But no, he’s a “Coward,” and in some circles an “Uppity Nigger” who used Religion to Escape Viet Nam. (Funny how these same people don’t mind that Darth and Chimpy found ways to Weasel out of “Serving Their Country” I Fucking Hate those Fake Ass Keyboard Patriots).

To contrast.

There’s another local Sports Figure that is worshiped like he’s some kind of Demi-God.

Bobby Knight.

Knight is a Bastard to the Nth degree. He assaulted his players, including his own son, he assaulted University Staff, he cursed out an Old Woman, he threw a Chair across a basketball court on National Television, and he generally behaved like a complete Asshole the entire time he Coached at IU.

And to top it off, he had the nerve to Lecture People on how they should behave.

Yet, there are thousands upon thousands of people in this region who would pay whatever Knight asked for the Honor to Smoke his Shriveled up Pee Pee.

What did Bobby Knight ever do that impacted Society other than make Sociopathic Behavior more Mainstream?

See, I know this is hard to accept, but we don’t mind Assholes so much, as long as they look like we do.

Imagine what would happen to a Black Coach if he Kicked his Son on television for the Entire World to See.

Everyone say it together now, “You’re Fired! You’re Finished!”

Back to Bonds. (Sorry about the tangent. I guess it would help if I actually thought about what I’m going to write before I started writing it. Yeah right. Where’s the fun in that?)

Someone right now is thinking, “But Bonds is not just an Asshole, he’s a Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater as well.”

I must admit, I don’t understand why Steroids are illegal. The motivation for Professional Athletes is to be the “Best” at their chosen Sport.

Steroids obviously make you better.

“But Steroids are dangerous, and it’s not fair to those who don’t want to use them.”

Tough Fucking Titties.

They just don’t have what it takes to be”Real Men,” and should probably take up Knitting.

Do you really think a person who has dedicated their entire life to playing a Game, at the expense of everything else, wouldn’t be willing to use the “Clear” if they knew it was on the Up and Up?

Jose Canseco, despite being a complete Fucking Meathead, said that the use of Steroids is far more Prevalent than people know or are willing to admit, and his accusations, thus far, have been Dead On.

(Talk about a GIANT head)

Who knows how many professional athletes used/use that Shit?

Most?

Look, if people want to fuck up their livers, brains, and shrink their gonads just so they can hit a baseball or run faster or jump higher, let’em. It truly is a victimless crime, and who doesn’t like watching one of those mutants crush a ball, and hit it out of the Stadium?

“But fairlane, what about the kids?”

I forgot, the “Kids.”

How about legalizing Steroids for Professionals, and keeping them illegal in College, and High School?

“That’s not fair.”

Don’t we tell kids, “It’s not okay to drink alcohol until you’re 21. Once you’re 21, you can get shitfaced every fucking day if you want, but not until you’re 21?”

How is that any different?

“But kids will find a way to get their mitts on Steroids.”

Yep, and they get their mitts on Old Milwaukee too, and then go out Date Raping, and Crashing their cars into Telephone Poles.

(People should be sentenced to death for drinking this shit)

I don’t think we’re ever going to stop young people from acting like Morons.

And they get them now, while they’re illegal.

Nope, America doesn’t mind cheating so much. In fact, a recent study showed that many Americans will cheat if given the chance, particularly those who love to talk about “Morality.”

I’ll conclude with my conclusion (Pretty cool how that works isn’t it?)-

If Barry Bonds was white, and said he loved Jesus, the Cleveland Indians would sign him to a contract for next year even if he received HGH from his… Dentist?

~ by fairlane on November 17, 2007.