Weddings, Wingnuts, and a Sense of What Matters


My sister got married last month. It was a Lesbian wedding.

My first, and hers as well.

She was engaged to some little Dweeb many years ago, but as I told our resident stalker, “You are who you are. Eventually, you have to own up. She called it off at the last minute. Thank God, too. For a time, I thought I may have to stuff him into a 50 gallon drum and dump him in the River.


So it’s everyone’s first Lesbian wedding, and after the pre-requisite Flannel, and Mullet Jokes are long over, I find myself watching my sister, and her Wife dancing during the Reception.

It was nice, albeit strange, watching them, and then looking around the room at my Mom, Step-Father and all their Wingnut friends. I wondered what they were wondering,

“Do people go to Hell if they attend Gay Weddings?” Or “I can’t believe I voted for that Fuckwit George Bush. Twice!” Or maybe, “I can’t believe I married a woman; that Mexican waiter is a Hot Fucking Tamale!”

I must admit my Mother took it extraordinarily well. In fact, on the way to the Wedding she said,

“You know, they say as you get older you become more Conservative, but that’s simply not true. You actually become more Liberal.” (Now, she doesn’t mean you become more “Democratic,” no one should ever do that, she means your views change, and things that once seemed important don’t seem so important anymore).

“Huh?” I responded.


In case you never noticed, I tend to be a Sarcastic young Lad, and I cannot tell you how much I wanted to chime in on that statement after years of arguing with her about her Political Choices (“They hate your daughter because she’s Gay. They hate me because I’m a Superhero. Shit, they hate you. What in the Fuck are you doing?”)

(Unlike Chimpy, that is not a Sock)

Taxes is what it boiled down to, $$Fucking Taxes$$

But Gandhi was watching over me, and instead of arguing we Enjoyed the moment in silence.

As the Dance goes on (Some Shitty song no less. All the Lesbians I know have Horrific Taste in Music) the room is calm, and no one is worrying that two women are married or that one of the waiters is Mexican because None of that Bullshit Matters.

Before we Proceed let me say,

I’m not pretending to be an “Open Minded” person who embraces all those around me as brothers/sisters. I’m not, and I don’t.

Thanks for your attention.

The vast majority of “Issues” that consume so many Americans are of no consequence to me.

Do I understand homosexuality? No, but at this point, human relationships in general perplex me, and there’s enough on my plate to keep me busy without bringing more problems into the mix.

These “Hot Button Issues”; Gay Marriage, Abortion Rights, Flag Burning, etc simply do not resonate.

Yes, I have opinions, but on a day to day basis they barely register on my Internal Richter Scale.

In fact, I think I spent a total of 15 minutes coming to a conclusion about the “Gay Issue.”

“Why is this something I need to be thinking about? Who the fuck cares? Yep, this is a complete Non-Issue.”

Again, I’m no expert on being “Gay,” but it seems to me the only people who spend much time thinking about Gay related activities and/or behaviors are, Gay People.

Maybe I’m a freak, but when I think about Sex and/or Sexuality, I’m thinking about Vagina’s.

I know, I know, I’m just not a “Real American.”

(I’ve been saying that for 20 years).

I can’t help but laugh when I hear someone utter the phrase “Gay Agenda.”

What in the fuck is that anyway?

The “Gay Agenda?”

Do they mean “Gay,” as in Stupid or Retarded?, because if that’s what they mean, then I’m definitely opposed.

But we know that’s not what they mean.

They mean,

“The Queers are out there, right now, trying to Recruit People. They’re going to take over the World, and Destroy the Family. How you can stand by, and let the World be turned into a Gigantic Anus?”

Recruiting People?

Having a vivid imagination, I’ve tried to picture such a Scenario in my head-

“Excuse me sir.”


“Have you ever thought about sucking a dick?”

“Well, other than my own, no, not really. Why?”

“I’m so glad you asked.”

(Pulls some pamphlets and such from the table behind him).

“Sir, I’m here to tell you you are missing out on a tremendous opportunity.”

“I am?”

“Oh yes sir. Here, look at this brochure.”

“What’s this?”

“That sir, is your ticket to Dick Sucking Paradise.”

“I told you, I’m not into sucking dick.”

“Not now you’re not, but if you agree to attend our Camp, where you’ll be surrounded by nothing but men 24/7 for six consecutive weeks, you’ll reconsider.”

“A camp where I’m surrounded by nothing but men for six straight weeks? Do you work for the Marine Corps?”

“Shave my head, sleep with men, where do I sign?”

I know, my scenario isn’t very accurate, but inevitably sucking a dick would have to come up, and I imagine that’s where they’d lose most people.

I don’t know about the Average Wingnut, but I’ve never once left my house thinking,

“I know I’m only going to the Grocery, but please dear God don’t let me end up at some Frat Party making out with the Captain of the Football Team. You know how persuasive those Fag Recruiters can be.”

Of course the response to such obvious ridiculousness is,

“But they’re using Hollywood to poison our children’s minds with their Gay Cartoon Sponges, and Purse Carrying Alien Like Creature Thingamabobs.”

Look, if you’re child’s lifestyle choices are influenced by a Cartoon Sponge or one of those Insipid Teletubbies, you have Bigger Fish to Fry. It’s quite possible your child is already “Gay,” in the Retarded Sense.

Any kid old enough to pick up on a “Hidden Agenda” still watching Teletubbies is either Developmentally Delayed or Seriously Disturbed.

My Daughter is three, and when Teletubbies come on, she says,

“Daddy I don’t want to watch this Baby Show.”

She’s never once said,

“Daddy, I want to Marry a Woman when I grow up.”

And I can’t count how many times we’ve watched the Sponge Bob Movie together, and again, at no point has she picked up the remote, paused the movie, and uttered,

“Daddy, Sponge Bob is really making me question my Sexuality. I think I want to be Gay.”

Utterly ridiculous.

“It’s planting a seed in their little minds, and if we don’t spray now that little seed is going to grow up into an out of control Sexual Deviant.”

“Dude, speaking of spraying, could you please stop humping my leg? You’re creeping me out.”

The fact these discussions even come up, especially on a National Level, is Fucking Embarrassing, and it reflects Poorly on our Country.

The irony in it all is, the people claiming “Fags are out trying to recruit people” are the very Religious Buffoons who spend their lives doing What? That’s right, forever trying to Recruit People.

Oh, I forgot, they call it “Mission Work.”

Maybe Gays and Lesbians should say they are Missionaries. Hell, they might even get a Tax Exemption.

Back to the wedding.

As I said, I’m sitting there watching my Sister dance with her Wife, and like any newly Wed couple they’re doing the Goo-Goo Eye thing, and all the married people are wondering,

“How did my marriage go from that, to this?”

But other than some personal regret, no one cared they were attending a Lesbian Wedding. The kids, including my daughter, were not running around asking about attending Gay Camp next Summer, and no one was contaminated by any “Cooties.”

It was just a Wedding. A time when two people get together, and say,

“Fuck it, why not?”

In other words, they were a couple of Schmoes who wanted the world to know they love each other.

And for the life of me I cannot understand how that’s wrong. Nor can I understand, in a world overflowing with serious problems, why this is the Issue many Americans want to address.

“Get a Brain! Morans.”


~ by fairlane on November 25, 2007.

19 Responses to “Weddings, Wingnuts, and a Sense of What Matters”

  1. Fags are out trying to recruit people” are Religious Buffoons spending their lives doing What? That’s right, forever trying to Recruit People.

    you forgot — spending time in airport bathrooms with wide stances or hiding behind a frock to check out the altar boys’ asses or hiring secretaries (jessica hahn) to live out some fantasy…

    as long as the media – any media – gives people like James Dobson, Tony Perkins, Donald Wildmon, Pat Robertson, Fred Phelps and people like them air space to bloviate their diarrhea IN THE NAME OF RELIGION, the idiot meter of the US intelligence will continue to rise….

    meanwhile in “liberal manhattan” i am bombarded with recruitment speeches from the Mitzvah Tank hasidic jews, moonies, hare krishnahs and jehovah’s witnesses — and somehow i am still not a brainwashed bald door to door preacher with pais and big black coat and refusing medical help.

    organizations like Focus on the Family and the Christian Coalition NEED someone or something to hate in order to rally around and survive – and hating gays is just one of the banners.

    congrats to your sister – may she and her wife have a long and happy life.

  2. So Fairlane, did you catch the garter belts or the bouquets?



    PS – and best wishes to your sister — she sounds like a helluva gal. In Kentucky!

  3. I can’t tell you how many times I wished I was a lesbian, men are such assholes sometimes.

    Isn’t it a shame that society and religions dictate human nature? I think we should leave human nature to God, and since He created gay humans, I would guess that it’s all right Him and who are we to argue with God?

    For those who don’t believe in God I apologize if my comment offended you. 😉

  4. Bravo- this is part of the best of fucking Fairlane! Whoo hoo, I love it.

    I always laugh when my own very conservative and Republican family brings up that whole “gay agenda” business. It makes me wonder how wide the stance of my brother and (grown, adult) nephews is…

    Now, as I have mentioned, I have many gay friends and said family was very, very nervous when I had my wedding in April and there would be ACTUAL GAY MEN there! Gasp! Ladies hold on to your lipsticks and men, avoid the bathroom assiduously!

    My friend, who is a card carrying and board certifying homosexual man wrote this post about said event.

    Now imagine when my wacky family wondered who and where the “homos were… Well, that table of 10 adult men in the $2000 suits who dance better than anyone should have been a tip off. But no they were expecting feather boas and lisps, not doctors, laywers, journalists, dentists,pharmacists,psychologist and other assorted men in their late 40’s/early 50’s. OK, I had one librarian, not a hairdresser but close.

    My two lesbians did not show up – which is too bad as they are both hot lipstick types. Now my cousin who is a lesbian also did not come, which is a real pity as she and her girlfriend are the epitome of badly dressed 65 year old dykes. But as family (Kathy and her “friend” as my brother says) does not acknowledge this long time same sex union as anything else but friendship.

    So once again, we are reminded that we do not have to turn out like our families at all!

    And congrats to your sister and her friend. You should meet the aforementioned hot lesbian friends of mine, Stacey’s taste in music and knowledge of it actually rivals your own dear Fairlane!

  5. Life to me, is just too short to worry about whom has a problem with any one of the same sex being together or married to one another.

    I think that if you find another person in this world that wants to put up with another person, then I think they are both lucky in this sick place we call Earth (home).

    I wish your sister and her mate the best in this life and congratulations.

  6. First of all, you are hilarious.

    Secondly, I thought you were quoting my father for a moment with that “gay agenda” stuff and that recruitment phobia. (“They cain’t repo… repor…reproduce, so that have to re-croot.”) Which is sort of like the Marines, too, isn’t it?

    Thirdly, this is so fucking hilarious. I’m still crying.

    Fourthly, you ARE the blogging superhero. (Don’t make me sing it.)

  7. Mary Ellen; Trust me, there are lesbian assholes too (and I have proof!). Think about this: you are in your head, trying to figure things out when suddenly your male companion asks “what are you thinking?” Never happened, did it? Just saying.

    Great post Fairlane. Congratulations to your sister and her wife.

  8. The shit is funny. I always though homosexuality was the same thing as domesticated pandas.
    Not in a bad way. You know… right?

  9. I think i should explain- how many Pandas are born in captivity. Not many, they kinda lose the drive to reproduce.

  10. I guess in my jaded opinion I think all people are pretty much assholes at some time or another, and if you can find another asshole you like, then more power to you.

    Besides, I must admit there is some appeal to the gay relationship. (As long as we agreed to have sex with other people, and to have separate bedrooms).

    Think about it.

    With a woman it’s,

    “So baby, what do you want to do tonight?”

    “Well, I thought we’d rent a movie, and then spend the rest of the evening with you trying to guess what I’m thinking.”


    But with a dude.

    “So, what do you want to do tonight.”

    “I thought we’d order some pizza, strip down to our underwear, and play video games in complete silence other than the occasional smack talking.”

    “My soul mate…”

  11. Remember, worrying about situations such as this, remove you from thinking about real important issues, as you stated better than I.

    Besides, who cares what others do behind closed doors, it’s what we all are doing to each other outside here that makes any difference in the ruining of the world.

    Hmmmm, Cheers for going.

  12. Man I love this post. You make me laugh Fairlane. My brother is gay. It is such a non-issue for me. Except when I see societies negative reaction to it effect (affect? I never understood this one.) him.

  13. Hilarious post, Fairlane.

    For me it’s a very dear brother-in-law who, when he first left home, moved into the apartment below ours with his friend from Boston. Thirty years later they’re still together and keeping one another sane and presumably as satisfied as the rest of us.

    All best wishes to your sister and her beloved for a long and happy life together.

  14. Excellent post, well said. And congratulations and much happiness to your sister and her new spouse!

  15. I laughed so hard reading your ongoing commentary sprinkled throughout.This post is over the top incredible.

    Congratulations to your sister and her wife.

    And to those wingnuts who were exposed to something so spectacularly mundane and yet so mind-blowing? Well, maybe, just maybe it gave them a moment’s pause in their ugly thoughtstream about things that, as you said, shouldn’t matter to them one little bit.

  16. Great post man. But people get more liberal as they get older? I have, but my old man hasn’t. Maybe we just get more extreme with our already-existing notions. Fuck if I know.

    ME, there’s always part time lesbianism!

  17. Fairlane-give your sister a congratulatory hug for me, will ya? It was nice of you to share this story with us, and I did catch the humor, but all the same it made me a bit sad, too. It only served as a reminder of how surrounded I feel by the “morans” of the world who feel the need to internalize as insulting any view they don’t share. I live with this shit every day.

  18. Coffee- Yeah, it’s definitely a distraction, but I believe there are people who honestly sit around and worry about this shit. In fact, I know there are.

    That’s sad, pitiful, pathetic, and scary all rolled into one.

    Mary- I have problems with that one as well. It’s “affect” in this case. “Effect” is typically a result.

    I don’t understand it either, but we always have to have someone serving as a scapegoat who has less power. It’s soothing.

    Susan- Love is hard to find (I’m definitely taking up Greeting Card writing), and we should be happy for anyone who finds it.

    I’ll pass on the sentiment, if she doesn’t kill me for writing about her wedding:(

    Maui- Again, thanks. Honestly, it will make her smile.

    D-Cup- You know I thought the same, but during the reception I was talking to one of my mom’s Wingnut friends (She’s extremely Wingnut), and she was telling me how America is going to shit. I was thinking of Iraq, the economy, “No Childs Leaved Behind,” etc, etc. You know why she thinks the country is going to shit?

    She heard a school in New York is handing out condoms. Killed the conversation.

    “Yeah, having protected sex, what the fuck is wrong with people? Damn Liberal Media!”

    Randal- I agree with her. At least I think intelligent people become more “Liberal.” But, as I said, it doesn’t mean she’s voting for Hillary. Of course I’m not either.

    I think your perspective is clearer.

    Not to say your dad is a dumbass by the way.

    Spart- Very true, but humor makes it more bearable. Plenty of blogs are serious. I think the sense of humor here is what makes Jonestown such a wonderful place. (That and the free Kool-Aid).

  19. […] two youngest sisters, including the Lesbian, got married, leaving me as the lone hold […]

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