Weddings, Wingnuts, and a Sense of What Matters
My sister got married last month. It was a Lesbian wedding.
My first, and hers as well.
She was engaged to some little Dweeb many years ago, but as I told our resident stalker, “You are who you are. Eventually, you have to own up. She called it off at the last minute. Thank God, too. For a time, I thought I may have to stuff him into a 50 gallon drum and dump him in the River.
So it’s everyone’s first Lesbian wedding, and after the pre-requisite Flannel, and Mullet Jokes are long over, I find myself watching my sister, and her Wife dancing during the Reception.
It was nice, albeit strange, watching them, and then looking around the room at my Mom, Step-Father and all their Wingnut friends. I wondered what they were wondering,
“Do people go to Hell if they attend Gay Weddings?” Or “I can’t believe I voted for that Fuckwit George Bush. Twice!” Or maybe, “I can’t believe I married a woman; that Mexican waiter is a Hot Fucking Tamale!”
I must admit my Mother took it extraordinarily well. In fact, on the way to the Wedding she said,
“You know, they say as you get older you become more Conservative, but that’s simply not true. You actually become more Liberal.” (Now, she doesn’t mean you become more “Democratic,” no one should ever do that, she means your views change, and things that once seemed important don’t seem so important anymore).
“Huh?” I responded.
In case you never noticed, I tend to be a Sarcastic young Lad, and I cannot tell you how much I wanted to chime in on that statement after years of arguing with her about her Political Choices (“They hate your daughter because she’s Gay. They hate me because I’m a Superhero. Shit, they hate you. What in the Fuck are you doing?”)
(Unlike Chimpy, that is not a Sock)
Taxes is what it boiled down to, $$Fucking Taxes$$
But Gandhi was watching over me, and instead of arguing we Enjoyed the moment in silence.
As the Dance goes on (Some Shitty song no less. All the Lesbians I know have Horrific Taste in Music) the room is calm, and no one is worrying that two women are married or that one of the waiters is Mexican because None of that Bullshit Matters.
Before we Proceed let me say,
I’m not pretending to be an “Open Minded” person who embraces all those around me as brothers/sisters. I’m not, and I don’t.
Thanks for your attention.
The vast majority of “Issues” that consume so many Americans are of no consequence to me.
Do I understand homosexuality? No, but at this point, human relationships in general perplex me, and there’s enough on my plate to keep me busy without bringing more problems into the mix.
These “Hot Button Issues”; Gay Marriage, Abortion Rights, Flag Burning, etc simply do not resonate.
Yes, I have opinions, but on a day to day basis they barely register on my Internal Richter Scale.
In fact, I think I spent a total of 15 minutes coming to a conclusion about the “Gay Issue.”
“Why is this something I need to be thinking about? Who the fuck cares? Yep, this is a complete Non-Issue.”
Again, I’m no expert on being “Gay,” but it seems to me the only people who spend much time thinking about Gay related activities and/or behaviors are, Gay People.
Maybe I’m a freak, but when I think about Sex and/or Sexuality, I’m thinking about Vagina’s.
I know, I know, I’m just not a “Real American.”
(I’ve been saying that for 20 years).
I can’t help but laugh when I hear someone utter the phrase “Gay Agenda.”
What in the fuck is that anyway?
The “Gay Agenda?”
Do they mean “Gay,” as in Stupid or Retarded?, because if that’s what they mean, then I’m definitely opposed.
But we know that’s not what they mean.
“The Queers are out there, right now, trying to Recruit People. They’re going to take over the World, and Destroy the Family. How you can stand by, and let the World be turned into a Gigantic Anus?”
Having a vivid imagination, I’ve tried to picture such a Scenario in my head-
“Excuse me sir.”
“Have you ever thought about sucking a dick?”
“Well, other than my own, no, not really. Why?”
“I’m so glad you asked.”
(Pulls some pamphlets and such from the table behind him).
“Sir, I’m here to tell you you are missing out on a tremendous opportunity.”
“Oh yes sir. Here, look at this brochure.”
“That sir, is your ticket to Dick Sucking Paradise.”
“I told you, I’m not into sucking dick.”
“Not now you’re not, but if you agree to attend our Camp, where you’ll be surrounded by nothing but men 24/7 for six consecutive weeks, you’ll reconsider.”
“A camp where I’m surrounded by nothing but men for six straight weeks? Do you work for the Marine Corps?”
“Shave my head, sleep with men, where do I sign?”
I know, my scenario isn’t very accurate, but inevitably sucking a dick would have to come up, and I imagine that’s where they’d lose most people.
I don’t know about the Average Wingnut, but I’ve never once left my house thinking,
“I know I’m only going to the Grocery, but please dear God don’t let me end up at some Frat Party making out with the Captain of the Football Team. You know how persuasive those Fag Recruiters can be.”
Of course the response to such obvious ridiculousness is,
“But they’re using Hollywood to poison our children’s minds with their Gay Cartoon Sponges, and Purse Carrying Alien Like Creature Thingamabobs.”
Look, if you’re child’s lifestyle choices are influenced by a Cartoon Sponge or one of those Insipid Teletubbies, you have Bigger Fish to Fry. It’s quite possible your child is already “Gay,” in the Retarded Sense.
Any kid old enough to pick up on a “Hidden Agenda” still watching Teletubbies is either Developmentally Delayed or Seriously Disturbed.
My Daughter is three, and when Teletubbies come on, she says,
“Daddy I don’t want to watch this Baby Show.”
She’s never once said,
“Daddy, I want to Marry a Woman when I grow up.”
And I can’t count how many times we’ve watched the Sponge Bob Movie together, and again, at no point has she picked up the remote, paused the movie, and uttered,
“Daddy, Sponge Bob is really making me question my Sexuality. I think I want to be Gay.”
“It’s planting a seed in their little minds, and if we don’t spray now that little seed is going to grow up into an out of control Sexual Deviant.”
“Dude, speaking of spraying, could you please stop humping my leg? You’re creeping me out.”
The fact these discussions even come up, especially on a National Level, is Fucking Embarrassing, and it reflects Poorly on our Country.
The irony in it all is, the people claiming “Fags are out trying to recruit people” are the very Religious Buffoons who spend their lives doing What? That’s right, forever trying to Recruit People.
Oh, I forgot, they call it “Mission Work.”
Maybe Gays and Lesbians should say they are Missionaries. Hell, they might even get a Tax Exemption.
Back to the wedding.
As I said, I’m sitting there watching my Sister dance with her Wife, and like any newly Wed couple they’re doing the Goo-Goo Eye thing, and all the married people are wondering,
“How did my marriage go from that, to this?”
But other than some personal regret, no one cared they were attending a Lesbian Wedding. The kids, including my daughter, were not running around asking about attending Gay Camp next Summer, and no one was contaminated by any “Cooties.”
It was just a Wedding. A time when two people get together, and say,
“Fuck it, why not?”
In other words, they were a couple of Schmoes who wanted the world to know they love each other.
And for the life of me I cannot understand how that’s wrong. Nor can I understand, in a world overflowing with serious problems, why this is the Issue many Americans want to address.
“Get a Brain! Morans.”