Memes, Memes All Around, but Not a Drop to Drink

Alright, Okay, I Surrender! The memes are getting out of Fucking Hand.

My homeboy Randal (L’ennui melodieux) passed along yet another meme in my general direction (Accompanied by a fart I think. You know how those nasty French are with their insults, and body odor).

This one originates from the coolest, and hottest Nun in the history of Nunnery, (Mary Ellen at the Divine Democrat), and because I’m trying to garner the Favor of our Beloved Sister (Just in case she leaves the Convent, and decides to move to Louisville), I agreed to participate.

Here goes-

I’m required to come up with 5 classes (Actually 4) I’d take if I was allowed to create my own curriculum. The caveat is, I have to choose one of the classes from my Tagger’s List.

1) Better Living Through Time Travel

This was one of Randal’s choices, and I must admit Time Traveling has always interested me (Some say it’s because I make a lot of Fucking Mistakes).

I have to make one alteration to Randal’s class, however, if that is allowed.

Simple time travel is not enough, and in my case it’s essentially useless. I’d never believe myself that I came back in time to correct a mistake, and would probably think I was having a Flashback. Even if I did believe it, within ten minutes I’d forget that I ran into my future self, and continue onward toward said mistake.

I want to be able to transfer the current me to a point in the past maintaining everything I know at this moment. In other words, I’d want to be able to go back, and actually re-live parts of my life (Not just the bad times either) with the knowledge I have today.

Of course the authorities might grow suspicious after I win the Power Ball fifteen times in a row, but what are they going to say?

“Look buddy, we know you can transfer your consciousness to any point in space/time.”

“Sure I can. As a matter of fact, I’m actually a Genie who lives in that can of Skoal in your back pocket, and I came here to grant you three wishes. First, I have a question. Will you be wearing a Tinfoil Hat in the courtroom when you testify?”

2) How to Murk Annoying Assholes Without the Worry of Getting Caught

Who hasn’t considered at some point in their life-

“Damn, if I knew I could get away with it, I’d back my car over that Shitheel.”

Well, now you can!

This is one class I’d never skip, and I’d always sit in the front.

3) How to Make Your Dreams Into Reality- Without Any Effort (And We Mean Absolutely Zero Effort. You Don’t Even Have to Come to Class or Buy Some Lame Book)

Anyone struggling with ADD knows the killer is not the inability to pay attention, it’s the inability to follow through on any of the ten thousand Ideas that bombard your skull on a daily basis.

In this class, Someone Else will learn how to turn Your Incredible Ideas into Money Makers, while you sit on the Couch debating if the time it takes to wash the dishes is worth it.

4) How to Get People To Stop Asking Stupid Fucking Questions

People who say there are no Stupid Questions are Fucking Stupid.

Have any of you ever heard this one?

“I know this might be a stupid question, but…”

Yes, it is a Stupid Question, and Yes, you are a Dumb Shit!

Or what about this Gem?

“Damn, I have a Killer Headache, do you?”

Why the Fuck should my head hurt because your’s does you Self-Centered Ass Crack ? Are we involved in some Symbiotic Relationship that up until this point I was unaware?

If so, it’s your turn to do the dishes.

5) How to Get Other People to Be More Cooperative

According to Jean Paul Sartre, “Other People Are Hell.” A major factor is, that for some unknown reason people are always doing what “They Want,” instead of what “I Want.”

This creates a great deal of unnecessary tension, and conflict. Not to mention constant disappointment.

Look, I understand you have to get to Work or to the Doctor’s Office, but I’m out of Smokes, and if you’d just pull your car/cars off to the side of the road until I pass we’d all feel better.

The world would run so much Smoother if people were more in tune with my Wants, and Needs.

I’m supposed to pass this meme to some innocent victim, but this thing has been passed around more than Jenna Bush at a Frat Party, and I think everyone has already been inflicted.

If you have not, and want to be, have at it.

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~ by fairlane on December 11, 2007.

15 Responses to “Memes, Memes All Around, but Not a Drop to Drink”

  1. This may be a stupid question, but do I need to register for the “How To Make Your Dreams Into A Reality” class? Because, I’ve been in it for some time and have not received my credit yet.

  2. I don’t do memes but I was laughing out loud reading your classes.

    I can not only come up with stupid questions, hell I can come up with stupid answers. Might even be my only true talent. 😉

  3. Here’s a stupid question: Why would I take any of your classes. They give me a headache. And just because you want me to do something doesn’t mean…..did I tell you about my new idea?

  4. I’ve been hit by far too many of them myself, so I’ve had to make decisions about what I’d actually answer. I wish no disrespect of anyone, but my hands have been full for awhile now. The time to think about a lot of shit is a luxury these days.

  5. Are these things like chain letters? Over the course of too many years I’ve accumulated a lot of bad juju for never once having passed one on.

    Still, I enjoyed your answers and, even though it was a bit wicked of me, even giggled at the Jenna line.

  6. How to Get People To Stop Asking Stupid Fucking Questions- “Damn, I have a Killer Headache, do you?”

    Why the Fuck should my head hurt because your’s does you Self-Centered Ass Crack ? Are we involved in some Symbiotic Relationship that up until this point I was unaware?

    Oh my God…you had me laughing so hard on this one I thought I was going to pee my nun’s habit!

    However, the class that I would take is ) How to Get Other People to Be More Cooperative-

    Damn, that’s a keeper! Does it work on animals, too? Maybe my dog can cooperate and take herself out for a walk and pick up her own shit.

    And if you keep throwing those compliments my way, I’ll be knocking on your door in Louisville before you can say George Bush is a fucking idiot. 😉

  7. Dude, of course it’s allowed. Because if I said no, you’d merely travel back in time and have me killed!

    And #3 is pure genius. I love the craziness in the brain, but I hate not being able to crystallize them into anything worthwhile.

    ME, you Catholic school girls are sooo easy. 😉

  8. Randal-

    ME, you Catholic school girls are sooo easy.

    Yes…we take great pride in that fact. 😉

  9. forget school…
    get me to that frat party
    but this thing has been passed around more than Jenna Bush at a Frat Party,
    poor not-Jenna, always passed-out and never passed around.

    i think i will drop out

  10. You are all crazy and your friends are crazy. I am not sure how I got into this mix, which is just crazy.

  11. Jenna Bush was not passed around.

    Everyone took numbers. It was like the draft.

    Regards,

    Tengrain

  12. So, where do I sign up?

  13. Frieda- I’m afraid you’re asking the wrong person. I have plenty of dreams, but reality will not cooperate.

    Maybe I should make a class about forcing reality to bend to my will instead of other people?

    Hmmmmm.

    PoP- I don’t mind them so much, as long as they originate from people I “know” or are “known” by the people I “know.”

    You know?

    DCup- Why would you take any of my classes?

    Simple. I’m the “Boss,” and I fucking said so!

    Jolly- They definitely come in waves. It was all quiet on the Western Front, and then BLAMMO, ZAMMO, SPAMMO!!!

    P.S. Sorry I haven’t been around much lately. I too am busy with life, which, not to beat a dead horse, will not do what I want, when I want, and how I want.

    Susan- That’s exactly what they are, “Chain Letters.”

    Some of the people who start these memes use them to get links to their blogs. If fifty people end up participating, that’s fifty links for the Originator.

    That is why I only participate when the “Memmer” is within our circle of weirdos.

    ME- I must admit, I think I’ve asked that dumbass question before, at least a variation of it.

    “Shit, my broken ankle is killing me, is yours?”

    “Uh no, I don’t have a broken ankle jackass.”

    If you’re that “easy,” you best start packing, and saying your goodbyes now.

    Don’t worry about the kids, we can buy a couple on the Internet I’m sure.

    Randal- There are things about ADD that I enjoy. I can think 3-4 times faster than the average mortal, and there’s no doubt it helps with my creativity.

    But Son of a Bitch!!!

    If I had even half the drive of a normal human, I’d be a millionaire sitting on a beach by now. Instead, it takes me two days to update my resume in order to apply for a job I desperately need.

    I don’t even know why. I just don’t feel like doing it. Almost like my own mind is oppositional even toward itself.

    “We really should get on that resume.”

    “Eh, shut the fuck up dude I’m trying to think about some really cool stuff that I’m not going to do either.”

    DCNY- Are we even sure that not-Jenna is still alive?

    I see her less often than I see Cheney.

    Wyld- Shit, this is nothing. I’ve been tempered lately.

    Wait until I get on another Ranting Binge.

    I’m due for one soon.

    Ten- Then Jenna should be proud. At least she had the balls to enter the draft, unlike her addled, cowardly father.

    Pissed- All you need do is send a check or money order for not $500, not $400, or $350, hell, not even $300, but for $299.99 to my P.O. box in Switzerland.

    I’ll mail you the materials once I’m safely out of the country.

    I mean, I’ll mail you the materials immediately.

  14. Stupid questions – a specialty! Another reason I want to go to this school is because of the motto…

    “Drink up bitches!”

  15. This was hysterical and I love your classes. I want to sign up for all of them.

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