The Most Secret Secret of All Secretdom

Johnny Wingnut

penguincoffee.jpgWell, I knew the intellectual elites were flaky as all hell, but I had no idea that their flakiness had reached such heights so as to make Aunt Jemima levitate and Hungry Jack envious.

A while ago, my best amigo, ‘Realitology,’ had an interesting post concerning The Secret. If you haven’t heard of The Secret, you’re probably suffering from ostrich syndrome. It’s the best KNOWN secret of the universe.

Surfacing in 2006, The Secret is another in the long line of ‘ask the universe and your wish will be granted’ new age philosophies. The central tenant of The Secret’s epistemology is that anything and everything that happens to you (or anyone else) is the result of your manifesting it. That’s right. Everything that happens to you in this life is the result of your own thoughts. Ever been abused, ever been the victim of bad people, bad weather, bad luck? According The Secret keepers, you brought it all on yourself. You’ve called down the thunder. Now get ready for the BOOOOOOOM! Similarly, manifesting “happy” thoughts will get you the opposite reaction.

Anyway, I expect this kind of epistemological trash to catch on in pop culture, but I never thought so called educated rational people would go so far to endorse this crap. How far are they willing to go?

I got my fall course catalogue from Indiana University Southeast (IUS) and right above the course on meditation (taught by a Reiki Master) was a course called, Want to Know a ‘Secret’? The mind reels to think that people are paying $150 a head to learn about some bogus new age philosophy taught at the local college. My advice, save your money and do some online reading. If all I have to do to get what I want in this world is ask the universe and believe with every atom in me that I’ll get it, why in God’s name would I waste my money so you can tell the same. Moreover, why do the keepers of The Secret need your money. If what they say is true, why do they need to charge hard working people who apparently don’t know any better big $$$ so they too can learn The Secret? Wait, I know The Secret keepers must’ve manifested it. But now that you know The Secret, you can too. What a crock!

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~ by johnnywingnut on January 1, 2008.

9 Responses to “The Most Secret Secret of All Secretdom”

  1. If they start offering that garbage where I’m at, then I’ll REALLY be cynical.

    The proliferation of this shit ties in nicely with the thrust of your comrade’s previous post. Dream is dead, we’re empty and looking for something, so we hand over 150 bucks and hope it all works out, whether it’s to a church, self-help gurus, Onan Goopta, the feds, universities, the ranty guy on the street corner.

    Good thing society ain’t broken, huh.

  2. Uggh !! I’ve gone out of my way to avoid anything having to do with “The Secret.”

    I have a friend who has become a Louise Hay accolyte. Louise Hay got famous back in the ’80’s because she brought the ‘power of positive thinking’ to many AIDS patients, which was a good thing because at that time a diagnosis of HIV or AIDS pretty much meant an immediate death sentence. Now, for most, it’s quite different given that current treatments can keep people alive for many years. Look at Magic Johnson … or Andrew Sullivan.

    Anyway, Louise Hay has in the back of her book a catalogue of all possible diseases and ailments and a “cause” for each. The “cause” being, of course, YOU. And, of course, the only “cure” is YOU. Meaning if YOU recite her truly insight mantras of positive thoughts you will … voila!!! … be cured of your pesky hemorrhoids or your more pesky colon cancer.

    Think Stuart Smalley aka Al Franken from SNL: “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog-gone it, people like me.”

  3. ooh a ooh do you want to know a secret?
    do you promise not to tell?
    woo-oo closer
    let me whisper in your ear…

    $150 bucks right to someone’s pocket to buy a BMW or discounted condo in Miami…..

    and thanks for letting me know the moldy cream cheese in the back of the refrigerator is due to my manifestation of moldy thoughts and not the fact that is was buried behind the never used ketchup

  4. The secret to happiness is low expectations…real low.

  5. Wow. I’m disturbed that any academic institution would legitimize such horseshit.

  6. Shhhhh! I am very busy trying to make manifest my “secret” idea that GWB and Cheney, and the whole lot of them will disappear into a puff of smoke and that a resonable admin will appear before our eyes! How can I focus with all this blognoise going on????

  7. I did see a study on “THE SECRET” which revealed that there was small, yet statistically-insignificant, evidence in the support of it as the alternate hypothesis. In other words, the “wishing-hoping-praying” thing gave you something like a 0.000002% edge.

    Thanks, but no thanks. I’ll stick with hard work and safety.

    I am, however, a Cartesian. I think the Left is too ready to commit to the “woo-woo” thing instead of doing what’s necessary. I think the Right is too ready to commit to the “prayer thing” instead of doing what’s necessary.

    Nobody’s yet given me a satisfactory reason why NOT to go the classes, take notes, do the reading, do the homework and study for the tests. Except maybe if they teach THE SECRET or INTELLIGENT DESIGN as legitimate areas of intellectual inquiry. In those cases, cut class and get fucked-up. You’d be better off.

  8. I do believe you can “manifest” things in life by putting it “out there,” and then using your words as motivation.

    I don’t believe in magic, however, and this bullshit sounds like magic.

    If it worked, I’d currently be sitting at my computer with Severina Vuckovic, Bai Ling, and Nastassja Kinski under my desk fighting over who’s next.

  9. Despite what I wrote above, I “like” the ideas of Karma and The Golden Rule, not that I think either will grant me any wishes.

    And if any of you non-believers or skeptics out there want a nice, easy-to-understand refutation of magical or supernatural thinking, let me set forth a little story.

    I once dated a religious woman. She told me that God answers 90% of her prayers. She swore to me that was true.

    I told her that I’ve been in gambling and finance my entire life and that it breaks down like this: if you can make 1c on every $ you wash through, you can pay your bills, if can make 3c you can live well, if you can make 6c you can have more or less any material possession you want within reason, and if you can make 9c you can have a villa in Lucerne and a private jet. Think about that. To have a villa in Lucerne and a private jet (neither of which I’m close to having) all you need to do is to impose 9% worth of order on the chaos around you. And yet this woman believed she could impose 90% order on every bit of the human, animal, terrestrial and celestial chaos around her.

    I had to ask the question then: “Why the fuck aren’t you rich?”

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