Where I Consider Putting My Head in the Oven Only to Discover It’s Electric and I Forgot to Pay My Electric Bill

DCup

Pistol Packin DCupSo a thorough ass kicking via snarky comments at my comfy home blog brings me here. Fairlane wants to know WTF??? When did I decided that I should have a vacation? Is the union involved? A blogger union……

If only.

My excuse for the darling FMan, is simple. I have been spending the last couple of days trying to figure out how to cram 103 people into a banquet hall that seats 85 max. It’s the small things. Frankly, it’s a good problem to have. We’re an association that sponsors luncheons where we book mediocre featured speakers. Then there’s low turnout. And then the leadership sits around the Board table wondering why no one wants to leave their jobs in the middle of the day and come the Country Club for a rubber chicken lunch. So to have more people than we ever expected would register for our luncheon? That’s a good problem for a business model (professional associations run by volunteer Boards via networks of local chapters) that’s seen its better days.

So this silly bit of business, which is the part of my job that I really don’t like, is making things a touch difficult. Lots of emails are flying about as people who aren’t meeting planners try to fix the problem. Have at it, folks. Go on. It’s fun. Really! You have those letters behind your name that say you’re an expert. I guess that means you’re an expert at everything. Cool.

But you don’t want to read about my job woes. I should be glad to have a job. And I am. But somedays, it pisses me off to no end that I’m not to the manor born. If only I could pursue my passions without a thought about how I’m going to feed my family or keep the roof over our heads. The trouble I could make.

Which reminds me. I am as of this moment – January 15 – part of the problem for Citi. Yeah. They didn’t get my mortgage Waterfall Oregonpayment this month. That $1,500 plus is just going to have to be spread out over the next few months so I can make it up. Sure, it’s going to be late and some poor schmoe who’s gonna get the Citi axe can blame me for their unemployment problems, but in standard American Aristocracy fashion, I’m quite certain that the person who suffers will be some low level worker bee. And worker bees don’t matter. We just don’t.

Lately, it seems that my life with MathMan has tracked right along with our national woes. We were in an adjustable rate mortgage mess. We got into a refinance to solve that problem. The mortgage broker who worked the deal did a classic bait and switch. He promised us the moon regarding cash out to pay off credit cards, a dandy of a lowered interest rate and a fab appraisal on our house.

After getting too far down the road to stop on an already spent dime (read: cash spent on an appraisal and the clock ticking on the ARM being ratcheted up), we got to the attorney’s office to sign paper work with an obscene interest rate (though not an ARM, a 30 year fixed), no escrow (read: We had to come up with our property taxes on December 15 in one $900 lump – doesn’t sound like much for property taxes? well, perhaps not, but I don’t have $900 lying around), only one quarter of the cash out that we were promised on what would have likely been an inflated appraisal (no, thanks) and a higher monthly payment than we were leaving behind.

Ta Da! Since then, our checking account has been the financial equivalent of an Anacin headache. It’s one of those low-grade groaners that isn’t quite a migraine, not just a dull throb.

Now we just need to start watching American Idol, purchase Viagra and lose weight using Nutri-System and we’ll be just like average Americans. Well, except we’re not living on our maxed out credit cards because we’ve closed all those motherfucking accounts. Now we’re living paycheck to paycheck and on the float and life is just one long held breath. (And did I mention that my paycheck wasn’t in the bank today because our payroll company fucked up?)

Foggy Field with TreesFairlane is never going to ask me to post again. Whine, whine, whine.

Today I filled up my gas tank and wondered if those arms that Georgie Boy is gonna sell to the Saudis will make my life any easier. Then I looked over and saw that the WalMart parking lot was nearly empty and smiled. A wad of yellow construction site tape blew, unimpeded, through the vast black paved desert.

Life is good. As long as you don’t think about it.

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~ by dcup on January 16, 2008.

20 Responses to “Where I Consider Putting My Head in the Oven Only to Discover It’s Electric and I Forgot to Pay My Electric Bill”

  1. what a great post dcup. you encapsulate life as we know it SO, SO well. no wonder fairlane worries when you are “otherwise engaged” …

    🙂

  2. Recently, I decided that thinking is overrated. No one else is doing it, so, why should I waste the time, and energy?

    For once, I’ve decided to join the pack.

    From now on, I’ll simply react, and/or go with my “gut.” If it sounds good, tastes good, or looks good, it must be good.

    And I’d never ask you to stop posting. If I had my way, you’d post at least four times per week. If for no other reason, than to take the pressure off me. After all, you “worker bees” are here for our (The Aristocracy) convenience.

    Love,

    The Boss

  3. We pay taxes and have a morgage? I thought we were squatters. Maybe we will be soon enough.

  4. dcup
    what a boss you have…….. treating you like a worker bee….

  5. Put a donate button on your website to donate.

    I have one, more as a joke, but it is a working button.

    Nobody has given me any money yet, but maybe someone will for you since you get more traffic than I do. If everyone who visits donates five bucks you would have that mortgage payment.
    Just a suggestion.

  6. Sorry about the double post.

  7. The see us simply as worker bees and consumers. Not as citizens, not as equal human beings. Man, we’ve got a lot of work to do. Good luck, DCup.

  8. I’d make a snarky comment, but us peons are always drunk or strung out on something while waiting for our welfare check. Dude, look, booze.

  9. Oh DCup. I hear you. If it makes you feel any better you do know that I am in a bad mortgage. And no escrow.

    My property taxes? On my 1/4 acre? Almost 9000 a year. Up from 3500 when I moved in there, summer 2001.

    It sucks.

  10. wow d

    sounds like you got more than your share of shit lately. hope it all works out for you and if it doesn’t just turn on and tune out. ha

  11. Unions? Bosses? What say go on strike? I promise I’m no scab. I’ll honor your line, Norma Rae.

  12. You are not an average American. Not if wit counts for anything.

  13. If anyone is going on fucking strike, it’s me. I’ve had it with this “Boss” bullshit.

    Middle Managers are constantly bitching, and moaning, and the writers? Fuck, don’t even get me started on them.

  14. Anita – Thanks. I love the Fairlane. Love him! I’m glad he lets me post here.

    Boss – Hey, I’ll see what I can do! I assume the raise will be based on my current rates? Smooches. Uh oh, is that sexual harrassment?

    MathMan – Just wait. Crimony. Just wait.

    DCap – Yeah and he expects me to make the coffee, too! Oy!

    Wyld – No problem! Thanks for the suggestion. I used to have a donate button, but it just felt strange having it there. Maybe I should try again.

    Pissed – We really do have a lot of work to do. Crap.

    Randal – Love, go back to your drinky and relax. You silly, drunken writer.

    Fran – I feel your pain. Man I wish we could all just fix our situations. Now.

    Victoria – Thanks. It’s just one of those months. January is always a bitch. But I may take your suggestion.

    Spartacus – I’d strike, but I just don’t have the time….

    cdash – Thanks! Seriously, that means a ton to me, because I know that we’re very average, but I like to think I’m different.

    Fairlane – But isn’t that why you make the big bucks? We love you, pal. Hang in there. You have a great staff who wants to make you look good. Not that you need any help looking good, but you know what I mean….

  15. But somedays, it pisses me off to no end that I’m not to the manor born.

    I often wonder why I wasn’t born a Kennedy.

    Just think how much easier life would be to have access to all those connections and all that wealth.

  16. Christopher – Exactly. We’re supposed to fight for the scraps and make do because we’re of one station in life, but those with everything, have everything easier. It’s like swag given to movie stars. They don’t need free shit, they can afford stuff. But still, companies give them stuff so they’ll pimp it.

    It’s the same with access. It’s who you know. And when doors are opened for you, you have an advantage over anyone else who is equally qualified and suited for whatever it is you’re competing for.

    But we’re supposed to believe the even the sons of the sons of the sons are a bunch of boot strap pullers.

    Sure.

  17. Do you mean to tell me that this rat-race consumeristic megalopoly is cracking from the base up? Crumble. Crumble and leave us poor hard working (and lazy, disinterested- me) bastards alone. Can we go around and lock all the Wal-Mart doors from the outside? Folks could live in there just fine. I know some would be upset that they didn’t get stuck on the inside with 24-hour feed of Fox News, but they could hurry on over to all the new Wal-Marts. This is going nowhere. I just want to complain too. Shut up and get back to work, Freida and for gawd sake, go write your own blog. I’ve taken to written conversations with myself. They do, at least, discourage people from talking to me.

  18. Are you inciting class warfare, DCup?

    heee-heee,

    Tengrain

  19. Freida – Hi. Um. I hate to interrupt you when you’re on a roll. Oh, nevermind. You are too funny. Use this on your blog:
    Can we go around and lock all the Wal-Mart doors from the outside? Folks could live in there just fine. I know some would be upset that they didn’t get stuck on the inside with 24-hour feed of Fox News, but they could hurry on over to all the new Wal-Marts.
    That, my friend, is genius comedy.

    Ten – Class warfare? Moi? heee heee

  20. Ain’t that America. Strange but your life sounds somewhat like my life, only I went back to school to get the student loans. Woo-hoo!

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