New Members, Memes, and Memories of What Could Have Been

fairlane1329.jpgPlease join us here at Jonestown, as we welcome the newest member to our Super Team.

All Together Now-

Pip Pip Hooray!!!

This is Pip.

Pip, and I first encountered one another a week ago today at the back door of my apartment.

Being that it was cold as Fucking Hell, I made a deal with Pip that if she was still around in the morning, I’d bring her inside.

Needless to say, she came with bags packed, and a Steely Glint in her eye.

I did the “Christian” thing, and put up signs, but no one contacted me, so, Pip is now official.

Welcome Pip

On to other news-

Kelso tagged me with yet another Goddamned Meme.

I’m supposed to write about 5 Regrets, and 5 Non-Regrets in my Life.

Fucking Hell!

(I’m doing this for you Paisan, but Enough with the Fucking Memes already!)

5 Regrets

1) This is Old Hat, but I regret letting the Ballerina go. As I’ve stated, it ranks right up there with the Biggest Mistakes of my Life.

About 10 years ago, my Therapist Friend had me write out a list of Characteristics/Qualities I’m looking for in a Female Companion, “You seem to burn through Women like Habaneros through a digestive tract. Do you have any idea what in the Hell you are even looking for?” (She didn’t say it exactly that way, but in my movie she did/does).


I made a list of about 30 Characteristics describing the Ideal Women, which ended up forgotten in a drawer, until…

One day the Ballerina, and I were sitting in my living room while I cleaned out the Buffet I’d stuffed with two tons of shit, and lo and behold, I came across the Forgotten List.

As she sat there running off at the Yap, which we are both prone to do, I sized her up.

27 out of 30.

I don’t think it’s humanly possible to come any closer, and I remember looking at her for a minute imagining that mouth blah blah blahing for the next 20 years, and I didn’t cringe, nor did I feel compelled to Flee from my apartment as though it was on fire.

For me, that’s “True Love.”

And on top of being intelligent, educated, kind, generous, passionate, funny, adventurous, etc etc, she is FUCKING HOT!!!! Damn she’s HOT!!!

2) I regret I waited so long to treat my ADHD.

Those of us with ADHD know we have it. We don’t want to have it, we don’t like having it, and we deny we have it, but we know we have it.

I wanted to believe I could “Control” it, and sometimes I could/can, but the more I learn about ADHD, the more I understand just how pervasive the Disorder is, and how it affects every aspect of life.

I should be Emperor by now for God’s Sake!#@%#&*$_#*^&

3) I regret not following through with my complaint against my former employer, and the Arbitrator from the Unemployment Office.

When I filed for Unemployment, the reason for my “Dismissal” at the Engineering Firm Miraculously changed. Originally it was due to the change in my visitation schedule with my daughter (From 50% of the time to 80% of the time), but after I filed, they said I “Refused” to sign the new Drug and Alcohol Policy.

The truth is, I signed the Idiotic Form, and had it with me the day I was “Dismissed,” but they told me I was being let go because I could no longer fulfill the Obligations of my Job (Travel, Late Nights, Last Minute Bullshit).

If I’d known it was about the Form, I would have handed the Drunk Bastard the Damn Thing.

It wasn’t about the Form. It was about denying me Unemployment.

During my Appeal Hearing, the Arbitrator interrupted me throughout, threatened me, and allowed my Former Employer’s Rep to admit “Evidence” that had nothing to do with the Hearing.

Needless to say, he ruled against me. In fact, in his “Ruling” he literally made shit up-

a) Said there was a “Deadline” (Feb. 28) for the Form, when the Company Rep acknowledged there was no “Deadline”

b) Said my “Temporary Layoff,” which resulted from a lack of work because our Drunk Boss was running the Business into the Ground, was “Voluntary”


c) Said I got the Drug/Alcohol Policy in the mail on Feb. 10th, when in actuality, I received the Form from Fed-Ex on Feb. 28th

I started the Appeal Process, and contacted the Unemployment Office to file a complaint, but after some resistance, I let it drop.

That Hoop Earring Wearing, Mullet Having Mother Fucker Got Away With It!

I’m still not sure exactly why.

4) I regret settling in Court with my daughter’s mother.

The day we settled we at last had that Pernicious Bitch against the Ropes.

Settling let her off the Hook, and ultimately Enabled her to continue Fucking with me with complete Impunity (I know women get the short end most times, but when it comes to Family Court, having a Vagina is a Distinct Advantage).

In my defense, I was worn out after 8 months.

5) I regret not telling my Former “Boss” what a Drunken Wingnut Fuck he is.

The Asshole used to come to work Drunk on a Regular Basis.

He had business cards printed up saying he was a “Professional Engineer” even though he didn’t have an Engineering Degree, he’d take 3 hour lunch breaks, come in 2 hours late, say he’s leaving for a “Little While” only to disappear for the rest of the day, he consistently showed up late to job sites, he neglected to do his job (losing about 50% of our business), he chased off all four Department Supervisors (Including my father), blamed others for his mistakes (I received a thirty minute speech one morning about a mistake He made on one of the tests. Said I needed to “Be more Careful”), he made us sit through a Two, and Half Hour Meeting about “Wasting Time, and Being More Productive” (He’d take 20-25 cigarette breaks every day), and then he forced us to watch the movie “Major Pain,” which not only was a Shitty Movie, but it was obvious he Grandiosely imagined himself as Major Pain, and we were the Wayward Cadets who needed to be “Straightened Out.”

Did I mention he was a “Wingnut” as well?

5 Not Regrets

1) Meeting my daughter’s mother.

Although I cannot stand her pathologically lying ass, I love my daughter to death, and can’t imagine life without her.

2) Losing my job at the Engineering Firm.

Yes, I lost my insurance as a result, was scammed out of unemployment, ended up in debt, and almost lost it, but I was so relieved the day they “Let me Go.”

In fact, when he told me, my only response was, “Good. Later” (I did mumble “Mother Fucker” as I walked out. I’m typically more direct, but I disliked that Dude so much I didn’t want to get in a fight with him. You know it’s always the “Liberal” who ends up in the Hoosegow).

I hated that Fucking Job. It had nothing to do with my Education or any of my Interests, and I was Miserable.

Losing that Shit Job started me down my current path (Along with losing the Ballerina), and although it’s been a Fucking Bitch, by this time next year…

Look out Mother Fuckers is all I can say.

3) Losing the Ballerina.

I know, it confuses me as well.

It was a huge mistake, but losing her forced me to make some fundamental changes in my life.

I’d still like to meet up with her again down the road (But not too far).

4) Coming home.

Hawaii is beautiful, and living there would be nice, but I needed to come home.

I just never knew it may turn out to possibly be permanent.

5) Admitting I needed help with my ADHD.

I hate admitting I can’t figure everything out on my own. I Fucking Hate It!

I slowly, but surely am learning more, and more about myself as a result.

I have a way to go, but I’m getting very, very close…


There you have it.


No more Fucking Memes!!!!!!







~ by fairlane on January 28, 2008.

13 Responses to “New Members, Memes, and Memories of What Could Have Been”

  1. When you write such good responses as this one, you must expect to be tagged many more times, son.

    Right there with you on the child/child’s mother thing. Right there with you on the Court/those with a pleasureable void thing. I had assets to protect so I went the pre-nup route. Good fucking thing, too. Some day when we meet in person, we’ll swap war stories, as it seems we have a number of parallels in this meme: aforementioned family “matters,” your ADHD/my depression, and many, many business and government and adminstrative hassles.

    But we’re still alive and still able to enjoy shit and play the Belkin or Apple keyboard, si o no?

  2. Fucking hell. I know I’ve got ADHD (not surprised, are you? birds of a feather flocking and all that shit) and I’ve resisted getting help for far too long. I’m managing so what’s the problem?

    I hear what you’re saying, though, and I can’t figure it all out on my own.

    Welcome to that sweet cat. You did a good thing bringing her in. I love that she’s sleeping with your daughter. I love to walk my house at night and look at the cats curled up next to or draped over my kids.

    As for the letting go? I understand exactly what you mean with the regret/not regret thing.

    Okay, that’s it, back to denial and discord.

  3. Major Payne? That is fucking hilarious. I don’t know fairlane you shoulda straight pimped your boss. kept it real, closed the office door and snap on him with no witnesses. explain where he ends and you begin then quit right in the middle of an important project.
    I wish I woulda did that.
    But anyone who forces people to watch Major Payne is at a serious disadvantage when it comes to pushbutton psychology, I would have royally fucked with him.
    Psst boss nudge him and hand him a breath mint. He would have definitely fired me. Psst boss hand him deoderant when you know he has been out all night on a bender.
    ADHD is the curse of an active mind.
    Everyone in my family has it and we all are busy as hell.

  4. Was the that a cool ADHD ending to the …..

  5. Pip is lovely. So are you. Don’t be hard on yourself.

  6. On memes…
    The only ones I’ll do are award types that give me that chance to honor other bloggers. I’ve seen too many good blogs become buried in them to the extent where the memes squeezed out the significant content.

    On Pip…
    Woooo Hoooo! What a hottie! 🙂

  7. oh pip is adorable! i’d have to keep her as well.

  8. does pip have her own column? she is damn cute. i would have kept her after 5 minutes

    i am behind 2 memes……. the regret one is just too hard to write

    i give you a ton of credit…..

  9. Pip looks awfully comfortable on that bed. She’s yours, for life. Congratulations.

  10. I agree with Kelso: when you write such fucking incredible responses, you have to expect to be tagged. Although I agree with you as well: I’m not really down with the meme thing so much unless I’m hard up for a post.

  11. Taking in that stray? You giant fucking sap. HA!
    I don’t know how you fuckers do this regret/no regret thing, all of them that I’ve read, including this one, are really fucking good and spill a lot of blood, sweat and tears on the screen.

  12. K Man- I did this one for you, but unless someone comes up with a really interesting meme (And I mean Krishnamurti interesting) I’m through with the damn things.

    Yeah, I’d say we are two peas from the same tree.

    DCup- Our inability to “Let Go” explains so many of our problems in this world. Humans want to hold on (Control) everything, and everyone that crosses their paths.

    “Other people are Hell,” Jean Paul Sartre (There he is again Suzi).

    Dave- He was too easy. I mean textbook Alcoholic, Wingnut, and University of Kentucky fan.

    He got the job because he was a professional toady.

    Nothing I could say or do would affect/hurt him any more. He’s fucked, and his life is Misery.

    It’s “Payne?”

    The Head of our Geotech department got up, and walked out ten minutes into the movie. He was pacing the hallway cursing that stupid shit. Needless to say he quit a few weeks later. Packed his shit, and left in the middle of the day. If you know anything about Geologists, Engineers, and the like, they don’t do anything spontaneously. That tells you how miserable it was working for that Fucker.

    Finally, a month after I was “Let Go” they demoted him. Of course it was only because of money, and had nothing to do with the fact that they lost at least 10 people because of him.

    At one point, he had his nephew from Puerto Rico running the Lab. His nephew had only lived here a few months, and barely knew any English.

    Susan- Thanks, and back at ya sister. I’m definitely enjoying Pip.

    Although, I did find out Pip is, in fact almost, full grown (I thought she was only a few months old).

    Naming her Pip turned out to be prescient on our behalf. She weighs less than five pounds, and is 14 inches from head to butt.

    To contrast, Hank weighed, at his peak, 21 pounds, and was around 26 inches long. He was a fucking mutant.

    Tom- That’s one of the many benefits of having numerous writers. There’s always new, and “fresh” content despite the Meme Onslaught.

    In a way, it’s nice that people think of yours truly, but I’ve had enough now.

    Ain’t she?

    NSM- She’s really sweet, but sometimes she reminds me of a co-dependent dog, and I’m not a big dog person. She’s always wanting to sit on you, get in your face, etc, and no matter how many times you tell her no or push her away she comes right back.

    DCNY- The regret was difficult. In all honesty, I’m not sure I really “Regret” anything, and I’m not sure if I could back, and relive parts/part of my life if I would.

    I am where I am, and I yam what I yam.

    C’est la vie.

    Pissed- Doesn’t she. She warmed right up to the idea of sleeping in beds, and Bella loves it.

    Although she’s constantly tattling on Pip (She used to do the same with Hank). “Daddy, Pip pinched me.” “Daddy, Pip bit me.” “Daddy, Pip won’t play with me.” “Daddy, Pip won’t lay in my bed.”

    Suzi- I thought this post sucked, and that’s part of the reason I don’t like memes. I prefer improvising. When I think about the posts, I start to get anal.

    But thanks.

    Randal- If I knew you preferred stories with “blood, sweat, and tears,” I would have included the 10 years I worked as a hitman for the Mob.

  13. Interesting life. I don’t regret reading what you write.

    As for the ballerina, there is a theme there, but she’s gone like a pair of worn toe shoes. Get some help man and move on – find yourself a tango dancer maybe.

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