I Blame the Rednecks


fairlane1329.jpgI despise dealing with salesmen/women. I absolutely abhor them, and even thinking about dealing with a salesperson sends me to the medicine cabinet for an extra Percocet or Five.

After my car was demolished by that Rolly Polly last December, I waited almost two months to get another. The day I finally went to the dealership I literally had to force myself with threats of violence-

“Go, get a new car or else Mother Fucker. Remember, I know where you live.”

“Fine.”

I think there are numerous reasons I dislike Salepersons.

1) My step-father was a salesman, and I remember sitting in my room while he was on the phone Schmoozing away.

It turned my stomach listening to his Ingratiating Routine-

“Well you know ________(Insert Asshole’s Name), that’s why they pay you the big bucks. Huh, huh, huh. I’m just a Peon.”

I’ll give him credit, he was very good at his job, and he made a lot of money, but when he suggested I consider going into Sales, I considered Smothering him in his Sleep.

“Nah, I’m cool, but thanks for Hating Me.”

2) I worked as a Counselor, and I hate thinking someone is trying to Shrink My Head and/or Wallet.

Sales=Psychology, and many Salespeople Employ Psychological Ploys to assist them in their Efforts to Manipulate Potential Suckers.

The obvious, and most used Technique, is the Verbal Blow Job-

“Who’s this Little Princess you have with you? My Oh My, She’s Gorgeous. I bet you’re one Proud Papa (Wink, Wink).”

“Who, her? Hell, I have no Fucking Idea. She was hanging outside the Methadone Clinic this morning, and agreed to clean my house for $5.”

Yes, my Daughter is Beautiful. I’m slowly learning to accept this in preparation for her Teen Years (Along with stocking up on Assault Rifles, and cases of Ammunition), but she’s not a Fucking Object, and Complimenting her is not going to loosen the strings on my Wallet.

If you want to do that send out the Sales Babe, and have her ask-

“Is that a Dozen Bagles in your pocket or (Sexy Pause) are you Hung like an African Bull Elephant?”

“I’ll take ten.”

3) I have ADD, and it’s inevitable I’m going to Lose Interest, and stop Paying Attention.

This is especially true when making a Major Purchase like buying a car because it takes so Fucking Long.

By the time I left the Lot that Afternoon, I knew I’d been Fucked because my Ass Hurt, but I wasn’t sure Who did it or when.

voidoid61.jpg

My only solace was the fact I made one of them (This Greasy, Fat, Swoop Having Douche) explain for a good Five Minutes all about “Xylon” so I could tell him at the end-

“Interesting, but I’m not purchasing the Xylon. I just thought it sounded cool. You know, like the Cylons from Battlestar Gallactica?” (According to “Schmitty” I could Spray Paint my car, and the Xylon would prevent the paint from bonding to the car. Not sure why I’d ever Spray Paint my car).

I think he was pissed, but it was hard to tell because he seemed like the kind of guy who always looked Pissed. However, he did have a really Cool Nugget Pinkie Ring.

4) I don’t like being in Situations where someone else has the Control.

I’ll admit, I tend to be a bit of a Control Freak.

In fact, the first night at my Painting Class the Instructor said-

“I get the feeling you might be a Control Freak.”

“Just because a guy wears a Crown, and carries a Scepter around, people assume he’s a Control Freak.”

Yeah, I might have a little bit of a problem relinquishing control, but in these Types of Situations that’s a Good Thing.

5) I hate the Haggling.

Just tell me what I’m going to end up Paying, and put me out of my Fucking Misery.

They bombard you with so much Damn Information that kid from “Little Man Tate” would be Hard Pressed to Keep Up.

“Well, you see, you’re not taking into Account the Dskdfsdjlkdfhlkjfhhdf, and then you also have to remember sfdiojfosdfnsidfhaosidfhas;, and before I forget there’s also the difsjdofandifneihfosihfasbadfhaoifhioahfsdiofhaod, and the hfdofhaoidhfdhf. What I need you to do is look at this form, which basically says dlkajfsdlkfajhsdfiohfoaidhfadfihaiodfh, and then Initial Here, and Here, and Here, oh, and Here, and then sign there at the bottom, and date it.”

“Right, of course. How silly of me. I knew that.”

Anyway, I forgot why the Fuck I started this Rant-

Insurance!

I’m trying to get Health Insurance!

I figure if I’m headed for Bankruptcy, I may as well have coverage for my Nervous Breakdown.

Wouldn’t want to be a “Burden” on Society.

Of course, no one ever asks if Society is a Burden to me, but that’s an entirely different post.

So, I’m on the Tubes looking at Insurance, and I fill out this form that promises to provide me with a Free Quote on a Great Rate!

Sure, sure, get in line, but when it’s your turn can you Stick it in Quick? I hate those Wanks who treat me like I’m a Fucking Virgin.

Hard, and Fast, and No Cuddling Afterward.

I fill out the Little Form, and I don’t even Lie. I freely admit I’m Insane, and that a Stay in the Loony Bin is Imminent if things don’t Turn Around Soon.

I finish, and go about doing what it is I do.

RIIIIINGGGG!!!!

“Who the Fuck is calling me at this hour? It’s barely after noon.”

I run around my Apartment attempting to Find the Phone I conveniently threw under the chair in my Living Room.

“Hello?”

“Yes, is this Mr. Severe Mispronunciation?”

“Well, kind of.”

“Did I mispronounce your name?”

“What do you Fucking Want Lady? I had my Gear out and Everything.”

“I’m Donna from Shiv Inc., and I’m calling about your recent request for a Quote on Health Insurance.”

“Damn, that was Fucking Fast. I guess you don’t have Cameras in my house after all?”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“Eh, never mind. Yes, I need Health Insurance.”

“Super Duper Fantastic. By the way, how are you today?”

“Fine I gu…”

“Great, Super, Wonderful. I’m Doing Great as well. Now before we get you a Quote with all the Fixin’s, and at a Price you Like, I need to get some information.”

“Okay, let’s see. I’m a Sagittarius, I Prefer Women with Dark and/or Red Hair (Scarlet ;)…”

“Do you have any Medical Conditions for which you currently receive treatment?”

“I have ADD.”

“Do you take any Medications for your ADD?”

“Heroin.”

“Excuse me?”

“Adderall.”

“And how’s that working? Is the ADD all cleared up?”

“Huh? We’re not talking about a Fucking Zit you Nit. ADD doesn’t ‘Clear Up,’ it’s a Chronic, Incurable Disorder. You know that you Zipper Monkey.”

“So are you doing Better?”

“If you mean, could I be doing worse, the answer is, Yes.”

“Great, wonderful. I don’t have ADD, but my Nephew has ADHD, Asthma, and Autism. He’s like AAA, get it?”

“Yeah, that’s Fucking Hilarious. Look out Sheckie Green.”

“He had it pretty rough. I used to take care of him from time to time, and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.”

“You don’t say. I thought you called me.”

“Sorry about that, but whadda ya do, ya know?”

“You could shut the Fuck Up, and get on with it.”

Long story short, she asks a few more questions, and tells me more personal details about her life including the fact that she recently lost 96 lbs.

Now, I’m not sure if this was part of her Routine (Personalize. I “Suffer” just like you) or if the Woman is Severely Disturbed, but either way I really don’t Care at this Point. I’m looking for Health Insurance. I’m not interested in becoming a Priest, and Listening to someone’s Confessional.

So, we wrap up the Conversation, and then I find out I have to talk to another Rep from Shiv Inc.

Apparently, Donna is the “Warm Up,” and the Big Guns are waiting on the Sidelines until I’m half Loopy from talking to this Borderline for Half an Hour.

“Mr. Mispronunciation? This is Joe, how are you today?”

“Fuck you Joe. Why don’t you shove a Pencil in your Temple, and do the World a Favor?”

“Great, Fantastic, Wonderful. So, you live in Louisville?”

“No Mother Fucker, I live at your Mom’s House.”

“I have a great Plan for you right here in front of me. How does 50% more a month with a $4500 Deductible sound?”

“I can get a better rate with a $1500 Deductible.”

“But this is a National Plan.”

“Yeah?”

“That means it can be used throughout the Nation.”

“Yeah, but I can get a lower rate, and Deductible from another company. A company, by the way, that I’ve actually heard of.”

“But Sir, the plan I’m offering you is a National Plan. You can use it anywhere in the Nation. It’s a National Plan.”

“I get the part about the plan being National, but I’m not sure why I should care.”

“Sir, you can use this plan all over the Nation. It’s a National Plan, which means it’s good wherever you are within this Nation.”

“Quit Fucking around Dude. You’re Miss South Carolina aren’t you? Does this plan come with a Map?”

“I’m not sure what you mean, but it is a National Plan. A Map may be necessary because you can use it Nationally.”

“Look guy, my Lier Jet has flat, I owe my Drug Dealer $10 grand, and I’m down to my last Percocet. Unless this National Plan has Un-Fucking Believable Drug Coverage, I’m not interested.”

“Mr. Mispronuciation, we’re talking about a National Plan here. The plan you quoted is a Local Plan, it’s not a National Plan.”

“Last I checked I live here, not ‘Nationally’ whatever that even Fucking Means. I think I’ll pass.”

“Fine, have a good day with your Local Plan. I hope you can Sleep Tonight knowing you missed out on the chance to get a National Plan.”

“I’m sure I’ll have difficulty Sleeping, but it won’t be because I didn’t get your plan. I told you, I only have One Percocet left.”

You see America, (Or the 0.00000002334% of America that reads this Nonsense), this is exactly what I’m talking about.

This country makes no Damn sense. We go out of our way to make Fucking Damn Near Impossible, while we Simultaneously Fuck Each Other every chance we get.

Who’s Responsible for this Bullshit you ask?

I think I have the Answer.

I Blame the Rednecks.

Why?

Well, they blame the “Fags, Niggers, Wetbacks, Librals, Kikes, and Towel Heads” for the World’s Problems.

Isn’t it about time someone Blamed Them?

 

P.S.

I’m experimenting with the idea of a new Avatar.

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~ by fairlane on February 6, 2008.

34 Responses to “I Blame the Rednecks”

  1. Holy shit. This is what I was talking about when I told you that your rants make mine look like a My Princess Pony story. I feel for you, man. Health insurance is the perfect metaphor for this country, like you said. It’s fucked, you’re fucked, I’m fucked, we’re all fucked. Fucked dirty. Wait… that actually sounds like a good thing now that I’m thinking about it. What was I commenting about?

    That stick drawing is fantastic. Can I steal it?

    As far as your avatar: although I am a Marvel fan and I do like the concept of a fairlane version of Galactus dominating the universe, I think I have to vote for the Pan’s Labyrinth avatar because I fucking LOVE that movie. It’s also more intimidating and might scare away the wingnut conspiracy theorists who cannot resist my siren call.

  2. EXCELLENT rant. I’d rather stick a plastic fork in my eye than deal with salespeople myself. Except I only have a local health care plan, so that might suck for my eye if I were out of state at the time.

    Last time I bought a vehicle, I did it all online. All the negotiation was done via e-mail. Harder for them to play head games and easier for me to be a hard ass.

  3. Before I accepted my fate as an unpaid writer/ house-girlfriend / mooch, I did a brief stint as an apartment sales person. I lasted less than two years. The sales part wasn’t so bad in this case because I was renting apartments in a building that I live in and I love the building, but selling my soul to a corporation was more than I could handle. It’s a sad life, living for corporate profits and goals. I chose being broke over being comfortable and miserable. My boyfriend chose living on one income in order to have my real personality back.

    Which brings me to health insurance. I pay $100 a month for the worst insurance available because that’s all that we can afford. If I get injured or sick, I’m royally fucked. But I’m young and healthy and recently lost 40 pounds, so I’m taking the gamble. So is everyone else I know that has opted out of corporate slavery. We’re all fucked… and somehow, against all logic, that makes me feel better.

    Can’t afford health in America. What does that say about us?

    And I vote for the Pan’s Labyrinth avatar. It sends chills down my spine. In this country of perpetual numbness, it’s kind of cool to see something that makes me feel.

    I’m feeling a bit dramatic today, in case you couldn’t tell…

  4. Hey there,

    Just wanted to point out that I really like what you’re doing on the web. Kentucky tends to like “straight laced” news and opinion sites. So BlackWednesday has been walking a fine line for a while. I love that you sort of ignore that line. We need more sites like this.

    Thanks again!
    -Chuck

  5. Crap on a crust, now that’s some fine ranting, dangnabbit. I couldn’t agree more with the way we’ve set our society up, with all the fucking/not-fucking dancing we do. As for salesmanship, I understand when some people have to resort to doing it for economic reasons – you know, I need money for fucking food and no one else will hire me – but there actually exist fuckers who ENJOY that shit the same way I enjoy eating neapolitan ice cream with chocolate syrup on top. That’s beyond madness.

    Avatar business: I dig both, and you can always switch depending on your mood, whether you want creepy or eater of worlds.

    Lastly, the artwork on the right hand side interspersed within the blogroll – is that your stuff?

  6. I put my thumb through my favorite sheet a couple of weeks ago so we had to go to Macy’s to buy a new set. What a revolting experience that was with all the fawning and slobbering over my taste, style and budget. Everybody’s starring in their own movie these days or maybe it’s the movie their managers are directing. Still, given the choice I might prefer starvation.
    Insurance? Medical insurance? The worst plan I heard of recently was the guy with liver cancer who had a $10k deductible then then insurance generously kicked in to a max payment of $25k. After that the guy was on his own.
    Gotta go there now but my vote is for the pale man.

    (ps – eyes getting on in years and having problem in general with white on black)

  7. “Mr. Mispronunciation” — I love that. I get that constantly. It’s insulting not only when they just mush all the syllables together, but even worse when the “apologize” and try it five more times before you say ‘shut the fuck up.’ My name is extremely rare (amazingly, though, I did recently find myself listed in the “Serbian Yellow Pages for Brooklyn — not sure how that happened, I really don’t have any contact with the members of my family from ‘the old country’). But seriously, these people shouldn’t even ATTEMPT to pronounce names if they are longer than two syllables or aren’t Smith or Jones or Bush (ha ha).

  8. u a control freak, never lol. long live satire great post

  9. Good shit. It is about time someone blamed the rednecks.
    BTW
    I sold cars…what an evil job.
    Oh yeah, I think Galactus is awesome.

  10. “…no one ever asks if Society is a Burden to me” excellent! society is a fucking burden to this Earth! btw, I like the new set up and I like both avatars.

  11. Suzi- I agree. The Pale Man is one of the creepiest characters in film history. That goes perfectly with my personality.

    The picture is on Photobucket. I’ll email you my username, and password.

    I maintain my assertion that you are also an excellent ranter, and fit in quite nicely here in this Loony Bin.

    I know I’m biased, but Jonestown has to be one of most fun blogs in all of Blogdom.

    You never know what’s coming next.

    CJ- Whenever I plan on maiming myself, I always try to make sure I do it locally.

    Jen- I think all (Or at least most) of us are feeling numb these days.

    Before I started Jonestown, I was writing children’s stories.

    Look at me now.

    Chuck- I didn’t even know there was a line.

    But yeah, a lot of the KY blogs I’ve found are dull/straight laced.

    I feel it’s my duty to help people understand that not everyone from KY was born in a Tobacco Field, and some of us actually have shoes.

    Why, I even wanderd outta muh holler a time er two.

    I’d venture to say, if we annexed about 2/3 of the state, this would be a great place to live.

    Thanks fer the visit.

    Randall- It is an interesting dance is it not?

    My step-father was one of those people. He loved sales, and was a great salesman, but Woof, I’m not interested.

    The artwork is by a dude named Dan Rickwood, but he paints under the name Stanley Donwood. He does a lot of stuff for Radiohead.

    Our styles are similar, somewhat, but he’s much more accomplished.

    I don’t have enough paintings to cover the sidebar just yet, but the Day of Reckoning is Nigh!

    Susan- Sales is bad for people’s self-esteem. Both parties.

    I admired my step-father, and the way he handled to constant rejection. It never got to him.

    I tried “sales” one time when I worked for a Lobbying Firm (We lobbied against Energy Companies, and their attempts to Deregulate. We also lobbied against Yucca Mountain). We “Canvased” neighborhoods garnering donations, and support.

    People would say, “Nope,” and I’d say, “Okay.” Apparently, you’re not supposed to take a “No” so easily.

    I wasn’t very good.

    I changed the Font on my posts to Charcoal Gray. Is that any better?

    anita- My first, and last name are “odd” I guess. My first name is common, but it’s spelled differently, and my last name is a common word, but it has an extra letter.

    By the way, your blog is password protected. How are people supposed to visit, or, are they not supposed to visit?

    raw- I am. I have to admit it, but we all have our hangups.

    The last part wasn’t satire. I do blame the Rednecks. In fact, I’m thinking of starting a Lobbying Firm that specifically addresses the Redneck Epidemic in this country.

    They must be stopped.

    Bad Grammar/Spelling, and Mullets are a lethal combination.

  12. Great rant.

    “Yes, is this Mr. Severe Mispronunciation?”

    I get that one all the time too. Actually, since I was a kid.

    I understand the revulsion to sales. My father was in sales. I never saw/heard him do anything slimey as he sold product to stores, not people, but I knew I could never follow him into that profession. He did his fair share of wining and dining the clients though.

    When I was in my 20’s, I went a few years without health insurance. Just couldn’t afford it. Fortunately, I didn’t need it. Years later, I wound up working for one. The Marketing VP was a piece of work. He kept stressing how important it was to have young people on the roster as they were, in essence, cash cows for the company. He didn’t use those words but what he said meant the same thing.

  13. Fairlane, reading that felt like having my shoulders pin the ground with your knees and having my face pummeled to mush. Wow. Now that was rant. One question, did the insurance guy really ask if you could sleep at night knowing you didn’t choose the national plan? Because after reading that, I would have asked asked him, “are you going to sleep well tonight knowing you couldn’t sell me a national fucking plan?” Rock on dude.

    Oh and BTW… I like the second avatar better.

  14. heh, that’s friggin’ brilliant. you are hysterical!

    the one i get all the time is when they don’t know how to say my name so they decide to add letters to it to make it something they’ve heard of before. i correct them and they ALWAYS say oh that’s a pretty name, like that’s going to make up for that fact that they just implied that i’d mispelled my own name.

  15. Fucking A, Fairlane.

    And I thought I was the only one who could throw shade? Fine, rant brother.

    Yep, hate salespeople. I’m so bad that if the same on approaches me more than once in a department store, I usually say something like, “Are you worried that I will shoplift this shirt? No? Then, go jerk off in the backroom.”

    That usually does it and they leave me alone.

    What a comment on our modern world that you have to act like that in order to be left alone long enough to contemplate a green v. blue shirt?

    ADD. I have long wondered if I have it. My doctor is useless and thinks I’m chasing Adderal. Fuck her. The fact is, I have all the symptoms yet no one wants to help me, so I’ve spent 39 years learning to work with and around it.

    Why do we have nostril hairs, anyway? I pull the fuckers out with the tweezers while watching Keith and a week later they’re all back?

  16. Great rant. I’ll add you to my blogroll as soon as blogrolling.com gets their shit together.

    Peace

  17. I have not been so delighted entertained and engaged with anybody’s rants in a long time ..Fairlane you kicked it out of the park , I will be chuckling at this for days and days…my gawd man U have a way with words ..And its all so true, on so many levels it seems like in every area of DAILY BUSINESS life, from banks, to the grocery store..our culture is just begging for people to go postal, from hidden fees in already high phone bills, to major corps like apartment complexes who cannot run a debit care by phone or take a charge card !!! – for fuck sake the lady in Iowa who runs an organic pet food company can take a debit card over the phone…but i digress.

    Its not small wonder people go freeekin postal , now is it. ? LOVE THE NEW TEMPLATE, love the Pan’s Avitar, and love JONESTOWN !!! —- gawd Fairlane this post is so funny i swear…and i say it again cause these days a good belly laugh is worth more to me then GOLD.

    omg Christopher , she thinks you are chasing adderall , that doctor needs to freakin retire..what a fuckwit. but that is subject for another rant…on another blog , on another day….And yeah finding a good doctor is precious, and switching doctores is stressful !!! – too many view the patient as the “enemy” and that is sad.. And for the love O god use scissors on those nostril hairs..OUCH.

    ok …on the rednecks…OH YEAH its high time WE all sharpened our debating skills NO MORE PANDERING AT ALL ! ie Dobson STFU, FUNDIES STFU – we heard ya, we listened NOW take it back to YOUR CHURCH’S and get the Fuck out of our public policies…go believe ANY FREAKIN THING YOU WANT TO and thank you for sharing! BUT GO AWAY – live your own life styles and stop trying to make this a freakin theocracy …STAY in your own CULTS – “morans” enough of society suffering these fools..they are mentally ILL, DELUDED and DANGEROUS.

    end my rant here…..

    Love the team at JONESTOWN – love you guys !

  18. Holy Crap….when I logged on to your blog and saw those Barbie heads at the top of the page I felt like I walked into the wrong house by accident. I like the new look, really…I don’t mean that in a salesman/lady way.

    Your post had me laughing so hard I thought I was going to pee my pants, er…habit, especially the part about the ADD.

    Next time I have to go make a big purchase somewhere, I’m bringing you with me.

    I like the avatar on top the best.

  19. Great rant. Salesmen get on my last nerve too.

  20. Truly is a great RANT and it must have been too damn early for me this morning when I saw it for me to remember to say that first. You are hilarious and I’m glad you have the time and freedom now to do what you do best. So thanks to DCup, Suzi, Dashiell and all. I laughed all the way to work.. then I laughed again because they have Red Necks in hospitals too.

    btw – charcoal much easier 🙂

  21. Hilarious….er, uh…maybe I should say Hillaryous. Anyway, this is one of your best, fairlane. It’s right up there with the H & C hour. I still think that post was funny as hell….something about all those veggies and chicken legs…too funny. But apparently, you, me, and Brad were the only ones in on that one.

  22. On second thought, I think it was the Wonder Bread, which threw everyone off. Since that was my contribution to the creative process, I’ll take the blame. How ’bout sending me that post. I was looking for it but came up empty. Need to read that one again.

  23. Dave- I think it is time people started looking at the Rednecks as a major source of society’s ills.

    Pegged jeans, Velcro Reeboks, mullets (as previously mentioned), camaros etc. The list is endless.

    Liberality- I foresee a rant in the not too distant future addressing society, and the burden it places upon me with its rules, regulations, and people.

    DED- I understand there are people for every job, and I don’t really hate salesmen/women, I hate how it represents so much of what is wrong with this country.

    Everyone’s trying to sell you something you don’t want, and I’d bet double nickels on the dime, they’re not even sure why.

    Sparty- No, he didn’t exactly ask me that, but when I told him I found a “Local” plan that was not only cheaper, but had a deductible that was $3000 less, he noticeably got upset.

    I don’t think he even said goodbye when we got off the phone.

    Like I wasted his time.

    In my defense of my rant, it’s better I do it here than out in the middle of the street. I love irony, but ending up in the hospital where I used to work would not be funny.

    You like Galactus or “falactus” as I call him? Hmmmm.

    Not Soccer Mom- I get the same thing with my first name.

    It has an “a” where generally there’s an “e,” and apparently it really freaks people out. Sometimes they put an “e” anyway. Actually one of the companies I write for wrote my name with an “e” despite the fact my resume, cover letter, and application all had it spelled with an “a.”

    Like you said, I guess they assumed I don’t know how to spell my own name. The funny thing is, if that’s the case, why would they hire me to write for them?

    Christopher- It’s ridiculous. I used to hate going into Electronics stores because those people would descend on you like buzzards before you got three steps in the door.

    And the lurkers. God, I hate the lurkers.

    Daniel Amen wrote a good book about ADD/ADHD. Some of his “theories” are flaky, but it’s a good starting point on learning more about ADD, and it will even help you diagnose yourself.

    The Adderall thing is like that everywhere. It’s highly regulated. If I try to refill my prescription, even a day early, they refuse.

    Oh, the book. Was that ADD? “Healing ADD” by Daniel Amen, MD

    nunya- Welcome to our circle of loony.

    Or is it a triangle? I can never tell.

    Proud- The Fundies think they have to convert everyone or they are not doing “God’s Will.” Unfortunately for them, humans have Free Will, and can choose to do whatever they damn well please.

    Once again I must channel Sartre- “Other people are Hell.”

    The more you press them, the more they resist. Unless you’re willing to press them to death, which I wonder sometimes if maybe the Loonies are.

    I’m glad you enjoyed.

    ME- Name the time, and place. I’m there.

    I got bored with the last theme, and I didn’t like the cheesy flowers in the sidebar.

    Pissed- I think that’s part of their ploy. Aggravate you so much you can’t think straight, and then they swoop in for the kill.

    Susan- If only I could turn profanity laced tirades into a paying job.

    Maybe I could write speeches for Dictators or something?

    I’ll try to remember to use charcoal gray from here on out (At least, until I get bored with this theme).

    Chad- I have a special surprise for you. Give me a few minutes.

  24. A classic. I can’t add to anything that your commenters have already said. This is exactly why I always feel like I’m getting taken.

  25. Fuck. I forgot to say I like the Pan’s Labyrinth avatar and I love the new look here at Jtown.

    And I blame the rednecks, too.

  26. Dude, you best be putting your paintings up when you’re finished. Or we’ll, well, I’m lazy so I won’t do much of anything but bitch in the internets.

  27. I think those same people tried to sell me health insurance! Effers gave you a better quote, though.

    I gave up on acquiring health insurance. Anything I could afford didn’t cover anything anyway. After a 10,000 dollar deductible, I’m bankrupt, so screw it, you know?

    Nice thing about the hair. If there’s one thing I’m vain about (and I’m not saying it’s the only thing), it’s my hair.

    I blame the rednecks, too! I blame them because I had to grow up among them, and I’m carrying a grudge.

    Anyway, excellent and funny rant.

  28. Where’s my comment? I left a long, brilliant comment! And now…nada.

  29. This is the third comment I have tried to post. The first one was brilliant, the seond less so, and now I’m giving up. I am ill.

    Anyway, it was an excellent rant and very funny.

  30. I think your new avatar should wear a crown befitting a future world emperor.

  31. God I worship you. I have long abhorred sales people. I can’t tolerate the car ritual. I walk in and tell them what I will pay and if they can’t do it, I’m gone. And don’t make me wait while you ask the manager. I will leave. In fact sometimes I call and ask. In the finance room I tell them I don’t want to buy anything extra . Save the speech. IT gets them so angry its comical. Anyway who cares what I do your rants are supremely entertaining.

  32. I may as well go ahead and comment for the fifth time…. Those anonymous quotes are mine. You should member some of your readers are that smart when you implement new procedures, Fairlane. Anyway, I hate salespeople, too, but the car people are the worst. I remember once going with my brother when he went to look for a little truck. His car had been wrecked and needed one rather quickly. It was a dreary, ugly, rainy day, and I felt sickish anyway, and we had been dragged around this one car lot for half an hour and then badgered and bewilderd and all that B.S. So, we’re sitting in this guy’s cubicle, and he starts to go get something, and he says to us, “Smile, folks!” and walked off, and I said to my brother, “Who the fuck does that asshole think we are, Donnie and Marie?” And somebody on the other side of the flimsy cubicle wall started laughing. I guess that got around.

  33. I am very ill. I meant to say “comments” and not “quotes,” and I meant to say some of your readers AREN’T that smart. Can you delete about half of my comments, please? Or maybe all of them. Also, could you come and whack me upside the head with a baseball bat so I can sleep?

  34. DCup- I’m glad you like it. I think I’m finally adjusting to the orange font.

    You know your comments are always important.

    Randal- I have to paint them first. I’ve been working on drawing lately. Learning how to use light, perspective, and such.

    You’ll be the first to know.

    Scarlet- You are crazy, and I’m so glad.

    And that line about Donnie, and Marie is classic.

    You and I should co-author a book.

    Your comments didn’t post right away because comments are moderated (It’s been that way for a long time). We had several Trolls, including a White Supremacist.

    Mary- I can’t stand buying a car. I seriously waited two months, and I’d worry about it every day, “I know I”m going to get fucked. I can’t believe that dumbass totaled my car after I just put a new engine in it. Fuck, Fuck, and Quadruple Fuck!!!”

    No need to worship me. Throwing your body at me, taking me to Hawaii for a nice vacation, something of that nature will suffice.

    In all seriousness, I’m glad you’re back Mary. Several people have disappeared in the past couple of months.

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