Jonestown Presents…Hannity and Colmes- Live, Uncensored, and Back by Popular Demand


It’s Time For Some


Ol’ Fashioned

Straight Shootin’

(In a Fair and Balanced Way of Course)





So, Without Any More De Lay, On With The Fucking Show!!

sean-hannity.jpg SEAN HANNITY

alan-colmes.jpg Alan Colmes

Hi Kids!




Live and Uncensored!

sean-hannity.jpg Right, Right. Okay, Welcome to Hannity and Colmes, I’m Sean Hannity and this is my co-host…………Hell, what’s your name again?

alan-colmes.jpg Oh Sean, you’re…

sean-hannity.jpg Boy, shut the fuck up. No one cares what your name is. They make me introduce you and I’m just going along like I give a shit.

What are you doing here anyway, why aren’t you getting me that cup of coffee like I asked? And you better have my money, biaaatch. Care Bear looking mother….

Where was I?

Right, Right. We have one helluva show tonight folks, so let’s get Right to it and introduce our guests.

You know our first guest from the HBO show….What?

Who the fuck invited this asshole? I did? Was I snorting Adderall or something that day? I was?

Where’s my COFFEE?!!

Sorry about that America. Anyway, he has that show on HBO, it’s real fuckin’ funny. Bill….. Maher.

bill-maher.jpg Thanks for having me.

sean-hannity.jpg Right, Right. Look, I don’t want you to talk the rest of the show, got it? Why don’t you go sit over there in the corner and smoke some of that reefer you’re always talking about? Okay, Veggie Boy?

Right, Right. Our next guest, I hope to God is better than him, let me check….Oh Hell NO! Now I know I didn’t invite this pitiful excuse…. Oh, Colmes did, did he?

Right, Right we’ll have to have a talk about that.

America say Hello to Rosie O’Donnell.

rosie-odonnell.jpg Thanks Sean you Fascist piece of……….Ughhh, gargggg, gladdbsdbs, dfjiisljfdslkggggrrrrrrggggleeeeee………

sean-hannity.jpg Right, Right. Well, it appears Rosie O’Donnell has swallowed her Mic folks. At least something is going Right tonight.

Could someone get a Dolly and wheel her fat ass out of here please?

Okay, I feel like I’m reading off Schindler’s List, here. Who’s next my mother-in Law? Don’t even joke about that. I’ll come over there and hit you so hard it’ll kill your grandchildren.

Right, Right. Let me see. Please God, please…..Yessssssss. Ladies and Gentleman, the one, the only, the Heir Apparent… Mr. Rush Limbaugh!

mush-potataugh.jpg I’ll be Right with you Sean.

Look I told you I don’t want just one. How much for the entire bottle? Fine, but my maid gets it cheaper than that. I think you’re ripping me off.

Hey Sean, sorry about that. I had to pay the boy who mows my grass.

sean-hannity.jpg No worries. So, how the Hell are you Rush?

mush-potataugh.jpg What’s that Sean…Uh, hold on a sec.

Yes, the whole bottle. Christ, who let you in this country?

Bush did?

Just take your money and go, okay Pedro?

Doing great here Sean. Again, sorry about that. He was wanting me to exchange Pesos for dollars. You know how it is.

sean-hannity.jpg I sure do Rush, I sure do.

AlRight that’s one for the home-team, who’s next?

Right, Right, we’re “Fair and Balanced” I get it. You’re interrupting me, now, Piss off!

Our next guest….Drum Roll Please….Well……this is good and bad. America please welcome the Rev. Al Sharpton.

al-sharpton.jpg Evenin’ Sean. He sure is taking a long time getting that coffee. You need to train your ho’s better.

sean-hannity.jpg You know Al I think that’s the only thing you’ve ever said that I agree with.

Boy! Get your ass in here Right now with my Coffee!!

alan-colmes.jpg Sorry, but there was this precious little kitten in the alley, and I didn’t have the heart to just leave it there.

sean-hannity.jpg Did you get my cream and sugar the way I like it? You better have, you kitten lovin’ pansy.

Right, Right. Okay. Next we have…….

You’re trying to get me to quit aren’t you? No, no, be honest, seriously. You want me to walk out Right now don’t you?

I’m not introducing him. Here, you do it you spotted owl savin’ trollop.

alan-colmes.jpg Oh my goodness sakes, are you serious? You’re going to let me…..goodie goodie gum drops.

Let me see. Oh, oh, oh,….America please welcome my personal hero, the man who invented the Internet, Former Vice-President, Al Gore!

Yeeeaaaa, oh yipppeeee yipppeeeee.

Golly, I feel flush….

al-gore.jpg Good evening. I really appreciate you giving me this opportunity to promote myself, uh… I mean come on here and discuss the important issues affecting us all.

al-sharpton.jpg Al.

al-gore.jpg Al.

alan-colmes.jpg Would you look at that? We have two Al’s. Oh golly gee Willikers….

sean-hannity.jpg You say one more fucking word, and that’s it, you got me?

Don’t you dare fucking answer. Shut It!

As a matter of fact, it’s about time for you to go get my Dry Cleaning, so why don’t you move along Skippy? No, no need to say goodbye. Just GO!

Is that everyone? No more guests? Right, Right, okay.

Rush you still with me?

mush-potataugh.jpg Sniffffff, ugh, yeh I’m stull har, uh cun ya hollld on a…Snifttttfff. Aggagagghhh.

sean-hannity.jpg Take your time Rushie.

Right, Right. Okay, so Al, what is it with you people?

al-sharpton.jpg You people? What the fuck you mean, “You People”?

sean-hannity.jpg Come on Al, you know exactly what I’m talking about. I mean how much more does “Whitey” have to pay before you let us off the hook?

al-gore.jpg Uh, if I may interject. I think your line of questioning is completely uncalled for, and maybe we should head in a different direction to….oh I don’t know….let me think….I know how about my Movie? Did you…

al-sharpton.jpg sean-hannity.jpg Shut the fuck up Al!!

al-gore.jpg Fine.

sean-hannity.jpg Now Al let’s get back to you.

al-gore.jpg Me?

sean-hannity.jpg No not you, you ninny. Global Warming? You boring ass robot.

People want real news that’s why they tune into Fox because we’re “Fair and Balanced”. Who else would have you bunch of degenerates on at the same time?

Well, Al? What do you have to say for yourself? I mean we took the Bandanna off of Aunt Jemimah, what else do you want?

al-sharpton.jpg You know Sean, say what you want about me. Go ahead, pimp for ratings, but you know once those cameras are off, it’s on, and I’m gonna beat you until crackers come outta yer ass.

How the hell did you get a show anyway? You’re not funny, you’re not intelligent, you’re a fucking hack. Who watches this shit? My family won’t even watch when I’m on here.

“Fair and Balanced” my ass.

al-gore.jpg You tell’em Al.

al-sharpton.jpg alan-colmes.jpg bill-maher.jpg sean-hannity.jpg SHUT THE FUCK UP!

al-gore.jpg Dang.

al-sharpton.jpg You have people on here only so you can insult them. Is that news? You race bait, you hold people with whom you disagree to ridiculous standards, and then expect nothing from those you support.

Look at Limbaugh, he’s drooling on himself.

mush-potataugh.jpg Uhggdhuh?

al-sharpton.jpg Why aren’t you calling him out? I know, it’s because you’re a fucking hack, that’s why.

Sure, I’ve self-promoted, I’ve benefited from other people’s pain, but I’ve also done some good. And I’m out there. Where the fuck are you?

In a studio, safe and sound running your mouth.

Why don’t you come to tha’ hood and talk some “Aunt Jemimah” shit you bitch ass?

Can I get an Amen?!!!

sean-hannity.jpg You watch the way you talk to me Mister. This is my show.

al-sharpton.jpg This isn’t your show. You’re a character. This is Fox’s show, they’ll keep you on here until people get tired of your old ass routine, and then they’ll kick you to the curb.

And I’ll still be here because no one owns me. At least I can say that.

You’re already slippin’ and soon you’ll be washed up just like all the rest.

sean-hannity.jpg Right, Right, Okay. Hold the phone folks. I’m getting a message here, it looks like we have a special guest.

Oh, you’re in trouble now Sharpton. You won’t be talking your jive when you see who’s here.

America welcome Ms. Anne Coulter.

anne-coulter1.jpg Let him have it Seanie. Don’t let these Liberal, reverse racist, baby killers talk like that.

I think I’m reconsidering, I wish McVeigh bombed your house instead of the New York Times, Sharpton.

Hee hee hee, aren’t I funny?

And look how pretty.

sean-hannity.jpg Uh, Anne, what the fuck happened to you? You look like all the blood’s been drained from your body.

Are you okay?

anne-coulter1.jpg Why whatever do you mean? I’m gorgeous. Dick was just saying so on the way over to the studio, weren’t you Dickie Boy?

sean-hannity.jpg Ladies and gentlemen, the Vice-President of the United States, DICK CHENEY!

img_1074.jpg GRRRRRRRRR. You are emboldening the terrorists with your cut and run tactics. You just don’t understand things the way I do. GRRRRR.

I’m a very intelligent man, and you should listen to me. You want to listen to me….GRRRRRRRR

And yes, you look grrrrrrgeous Anne.

Hold on, you have a little blood on your collar, here let me get it.


anne-coulter1.jpg Oh Dickie, you’re so sweet. Not like those hateful queer loving Liberals.

God I wish they’d all just die. God please kill them. I’m a Christian you know, and if I can’t pray for this what good is praying?

Please, at least kill a couple hundred thousand of them.

Tee hee tee hee. I’m so cute.

sean-hannity.jpg Anne, I’m sorry but we’re going to cut away to a picture we have of you from your last visit if you don’t mind.

By the way, you might want to see a Doctor.

anne-coulter.jpg Whatever, at least I’m not a godless Liberal.

bill-maher.jpg Holy shit. I am fucking baked. Wha? Who? What are you doing here?

sean-hannity.jpg That’s Right. You two….

anne-coulter.jpg Hi Bill. Why don’t you return my calls? You remind me of my father you son of a bitch! I hate you! I hate you!

Oh, booo hooo ooooo……

bill-maher.jpg What the fuck happened to you?

img_1074.jpg GRRRRRRRRRRR….

bill-maher.jpg AHHHHHHHHHH…..

sean-hannity.jpg Good Lord, I think he just ate his arm off.

Right, Right. Okay, well I guess that’s all the time we have tonight.

I hoped you learned something. I know I didn’t, but I never do.

I’m Sean Hannity…

alan-colmes.jpg And I’m…..


Oh, Sean why do you have to hit me like that? I do my best to make you happy…

sean-hannity.jpg Thanks for watching FOX where “Fair and Balanced” means whatever the fuck we want it to mean.

You just wait until we get home you little tramp. Oh I’m gonna let you have it…

alan-colmes.jpg But Papa, I’m a good boy. Please don’t spank…

sean-hannity.jpg Shut the fuck and go get the car.

img_1074.jpg GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!….

mush-potataugh.jpg Huh, what? What’d you say? Thanks I’m glad to be here…………………Mom, you there?

anne-coulter.jpg Burn in Hell you Hateful Liberals!!


al-sharpton.jpg I don’t know where you think you’re going mother fucker. We gots some business to take care of………


~ by fairlane on February 7, 2008.

20 Responses to “Jonestown Presents…Hannity and Colmes- Live, Uncensored, and Back by Popular Demand”

  1. Oh my word! Fox is on the phone. Something about the flowers they sent you….

  2. Hahaahahaha! You messed up in one place though, should the header be HANNITY IN 87 POINT TYPE and itsy bitsy 8 for Colmes.

  3. I was going to mention Al Franken’s way of writing Hannity and Colmes with Hannity in HUGE bold type and Colmes in tiny little font.

    One small criticism: I don’t think you made Colmes wimpy enough, but other than that, excellent work!

  4. Heh. Your portrayal of Coulter is far nicer than she is. Nasty as this is, somehow it seems fitting.

  5. That was NOT “anonymous”! That was MOI! Any, Hannity should be in massively large font to acurately represent his ego.

  6. Other than you four, no one read this post.

    I just don’t get it. I think it’s funny as hell, but apparently the masses are not impressed.

    I appreciate the sympathy dames, and dudes.

  7. Hifuckinglarious!!!

  8. I think it’s funny, too, but I have noticed that no one reads the stuff I write that I think is the funniest, either. What is up with that?

  9. Holy fucking sweet black Jesus on a stick! I have an all new respect for your sacrilegious ass. This needs to go to broadway, of course, with the icons in lieu of actors.

  10. God, I just love it when you use those little pics for each person. I just love it when you do these things because I laugh like a crazy person as I’m reading the post. I just love laughing like a crazy person.

  11. I know you said that was a parody but I think I really saw that episode.

    Nice work.

  12. Welp, Sorry it took me so long to get around to readin’ it. That was like que chistoso, hamburger.
    Once again, you have so, like, split my sides dude!
    Nice job making everyone look better than they do in real life…and you said this was a parody. PULLEEEAAAAAASSSSSE!!!

  13. Why you gots ta hate on ma boy, Hannity?

  14. Niiice, fairlane! 😀


    Oh…my sides!!

  16. I don’t even watch tv and I loved it yesterday but I got a sign saying ‘comments closed’.. or was that just me being a ditz? It’s been known to happen.

    I love the plastic broccoli version of Al Gore. Smarminess is its own reward.

  17. Susan, I got the same message, so either we are both ditz-es or something was wrong.

  18. Now that was a rant! Not like that wimpy car salesman shit.. 😉

  19. PoP and Susan- I finally figured out how to use the “More” option. Before, I was forwarding the post to a page, and it was causing issues with comments, and Pings.

    I’m glad everyone enjoyed. This was a fun post, and Tip of the Cap to Johnny Wingnut who suggested I make Hannity a box of Crackers to keep things “Fair and Balanced.”

  20. I read this the other night and had trouble commenting for some reason. It was great!!!

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