Jonestown Presents…Hannity and Colmes- Live, Uncensored, and Back by Popular Demand
It’s Time For Some
(In a Fair and Balanced Way of Course)
So, Without Any More De Lay, On With The Fucking Show!!
Live and Uncensored!
Boy, shut the fuck up. No one cares what your name is. They make me introduce you and I’m just going along like I give a shit.
What are you doing here anyway, why aren’t you getting me that cup of coffee like I asked? And you better have my money, biaaatch. Care Bear looking mother….
Where was I?
Right, Right. We have one helluva show tonight folks, so let’s get Right to it and introduce our guests.
You know our first guest from the HBO show….What?
Who the fuck invited this asshole? I did? Was I snorting Adderall or something that day? I was?
Where’s my COFFEE?!!
Sorry about that America. Anyway, he has that show on HBO, it’s real fuckin’ funny. Bill….. Maher.
Right, Right. Look, I don’t want you to talk the rest of the show, got it? Why don’t you go sit over there in the corner and smoke some of that reefer you’re always talking about? Okay, Veggie Boy?
Right, Right. Our next guest, I hope to God is better than him, let me check….Oh Hell NO! Now I know I didn’t invite this pitiful excuse…. Oh, Colmes did, did he?
Right, Right we’ll have to have a talk about that.
America say Hello to Rosie O’Donnell.
Right, Right. Well, it appears Rosie O’Donnell has swallowed her Mic folks. At least something is going Right tonight.
Could someone get a Dolly and wheel her fat ass out of here please?
Okay, I feel like I’m reading off Schindler’s List, here. Who’s next my mother-in Law? Don’t even joke about that. I’ll come over there and hit you so hard it’ll kill your grandchildren.
Right, Right. Let me see. Please God, please…..Yessssssss. Ladies and Gentleman, the one, the only, the Heir Apparent… Mr. Rush Limbaugh!
Look I told you I don’t want just one. How much for the entire bottle? Fine, but my maid gets it cheaper than that. I think you’re ripping me off.
Hey Sean, sorry about that. I had to pay the boy who mows my grass.
No worries. So, how the Hell are you Rush?
What’s that Sean…Uh, hold on a sec.
Yes, the whole bottle. Christ, who let you in this country?
Just take your money and go, okay Pedro?
Doing great here Sean. Again, sorry about that. He was wanting me to exchange Pesos for dollars. You know how it is.
I sure do Rush, I sure do.
AlRight that’s one for the home-team, who’s next?
Right, Right, we’re “Fair and Balanced” I get it. You’re interrupting me, now, Piss off!
Our next guest….Drum Roll Please….Well……this is good and bad. America please welcome the Rev. Al Sharpton.
You know Al I think that’s the only thing you’ve ever said that I agree with.
Boy! Get your ass in here Right now with my Coffee!!
Sorry, but there was this precious little kitten in the alley, and I didn’t have the heart to just leave it there.
Did you get my cream and sugar the way I like it? You better have, you kitten lovin’ pansy.
Right, Right. Okay. Next we have…….
You’re trying to get me to quit aren’t you? No, no, be honest, seriously. You want me to walk out Right now don’t you?
I’m not introducing him. Here, you do it you spotted owl savin’ trollop.
Oh my goodness sakes, are you serious? You’re going to let me…..goodie goodie gum drops.
Let me see. Oh, oh, oh,….America please welcome my personal hero, the man who invented the Internet, Former Vice-President, Al Gore!
Yeeeaaaa, oh yipppeeee yipppeeeee.
Golly, I feel flush….
Would you look at that? We have two Al’s. Oh golly gee Willikers….
You say one more fucking word, and that’s it, you got me?
Don’t you dare fucking answer. Shut It!
As a matter of fact, it’s about time for you to go get my Dry Cleaning, so why don’t you move along Skippy? No, no need to say goodbye. Just GO!
Is that everyone? No more guests? Right, Right, okay.
Rush you still with me?
Sniffffff, ugh, yeh I’m stull har, uh cun ya hollld on a…Snifttttfff. Aggagagghhh.
Take your time Rushie.
Right, Right. Okay, so Al, what is it with you people?
You people? What the fuck you mean, “You People”?
Come on Al, you know exactly what I’m talking about. I mean how much more does “Whitey” have to pay before you let us off the hook?
Uh, if I may interject. I think your line of questioning is completely uncalled for, and maybe we should head in a different direction to….oh I don’t know….let me think….I know how about my Movie? Did you…
Shut the fuck up Al!!
Now Al let’s get back to you.
No not you, you ninny. Global Warming? You boring ass robot.
People want real news that’s why they tune into Fox because we’re “Fair and Balanced”. Who else would have you bunch of degenerates on at the same time?
Well, Al? What do you have to say for yourself? I mean we took the Bandanna off of Aunt Jemimah, what else do you want?
You know Sean, say what you want about me. Go ahead, pimp for ratings, but you know once those cameras are off, it’s on, and I’m gonna beat you until crackers come outta yer ass.
How the hell did you get a show anyway? You’re not funny, you’re not intelligent, you’re a fucking hack. Who watches this shit? My family won’t even watch when I’m on here.
“Fair and Balanced” my ass.
You tell’em Al.
SHUT THE FUCK UP!
You have people on here only so you can insult them. Is that news? You race bait, you hold people with whom you disagree to ridiculous standards, and then expect nothing from those you support.
Look at Limbaugh, he’s drooling on himself.
Why aren’t you calling him out? I know, it’s because you’re a fucking hack, that’s why.
Sure, I’ve self-promoted, I’ve benefited from other people’s pain, but I’ve also done some good. And I’m out there. Where the fuck are you?
In a studio, safe and sound running your mouth.
Why don’t you come to tha’ hood and talk some “Aunt Jemimah” shit you bitch ass?
Can I get an Amen?!!!
You watch the way you talk to me Mister. This is my show.
This isn’t your show. You’re a character. This is Fox’s show, they’ll keep you on here until people get tired of your old ass routine, and then they’ll kick you to the curb.
And I’ll still be here because no one owns me. At least I can say that.
You’re already slippin’ and soon you’ll be washed up just like all the rest.
Right, Right, Okay. Hold the phone folks. I’m getting a message here, it looks like we have a special guest.
Oh, you’re in trouble now Sharpton. You won’t be talking your jive when you see who’s here.
America welcome Ms. Anne Coulter.
I think I’m reconsidering, I wish McVeigh bombed your house instead of the New York Times, Sharpton.
Hee hee hee, aren’t I funny?
And look how pretty.
Uh, Anne, what the fuck happened to you? You look like all the blood’s been drained from your body.
Are you okay?
Why whatever do you mean? I’m gorgeous. Dick was just saying so on the way over to the studio, weren’t you Dickie Boy?
Ladies and gentlemen, the Vice-President of the United States, DICK CHENEY!
GRRRRRRRRR. You are emboldening the terrorists with your cut and run tactics. You just don’t understand things the way I do. GRRRRR.
I’m a very intelligent man, and you should listen to me. You want to listen to me….GRRRRRRRR
And yes, you look grrrrrrgeous Anne.
Hold on, you have a little blood on your collar, here let me get it.
Oh Dickie, you’re so sweet. Not like those hateful queer loving Liberals.
God I wish they’d all just die. God please kill them. I’m a Christian you know, and if I can’t pray for this what good is praying?
Please, at least kill a couple hundred thousand of them.
Tee hee tee hee. I’m so cute.
Anne, I’m sorry but we’re going to cut away to a picture we have of you from your last visit if you don’t mind.
By the way, you might want to see a Doctor.
Holy shit. I am fucking baked. Wha? Who? What are you doing here?
That’s Right. You two….
Hi Bill. Why don’t you return my calls? You remind me of my father you son of a bitch! I hate you! I hate you!
Oh, booo hooo ooooo……
What the fuck happened to you?
Good Lord, I think he just ate his arm off.
Right, Right. Okay, well I guess that’s all the time we have tonight.
I hoped you learned something. I know I didn’t, but I never do.
I’m Sean Hannity…
Oh, Sean why do you have to hit me like that? I do my best to make you happy…
Thanks for watching FOX where “Fair and Balanced” means whatever the fuck we want it to mean.
You just wait until we get home you little tramp. Oh I’m gonna let you have it…
But Papa, I’m a good boy. Please don’t spank…
Shut the fuck and go get the car.
Huh, what? What’d you say? Thanks I’m glad to be here…………………Mom, you there?
Burn in Hell you Hateful Liberals!!
THE FOLLOWING “NEWS PROGRAM” WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE FOX “NEWS” NETWORK. WHERE FAIR AND BALANCED MEANS WHATEVER THE FUCK WE SAY IT MEANS
I don’t know where you think you’re going mother fucker. We gots some business to take care of………