fairlane’s Sunday Morning Sermon

797panimage15.jpgThis goes out to our Good Friend Randal who spends far too much time analyzing his poetry.

You’re an excellent writer dude, face it, accept it, live with it, and quit acting like a Fucking Candy Ass.

An Ode to Odor

Like Rose stems with thorns
Your legs are too hairy

Your breath in the morning
Is downright Fucking Scary

An Ode to My Commode

What is that growing on your Innards I see?
I know it’s not Dookie, and I know it’s not Pee

Oh what, oh what, oh what can it Be?

For Those with a Relative Living in an Institution

I know your heart aches for your brother who’s Nuts
When you see him locked up, it tears out your Guts

But please don’t Forget, whatever you Do

Mental Illness is Genetic, so, Thank God it’s not You

For My Neighbor

Stop watching my daughter, and I through your Window
You Creepy Fucking Freak!

Ode for a Chimpy


Oh you Suck, Yes, You Suck

You Suck, Suck, Suck, Suck

Whenever I see You, I scream out in Horror,

“Fuck, Fuck, Fuck…


You’re the Worst

Yes, the Worst

The Worst that we’ve Seen

If Wingnuts are the Sneetches, then you Sir are Sylvester Mc Monkey Mc Chimpy Mc Bean

A Poem for the Downtrodden

So you lost your job, and you have Gonorrhea
And the Food Poisoning from the Egg Salad gave you serious Diarrhea

Your friends all Bailed, and your Wife doesn’t care
You gained 50 pounds, and you lost all your Hair

Your kids think you’re a Loser, and your mom thinks so too
And You don’t know where to go, You don’t know what to do

Your car was repossessed, and your house is in Foreclosure
And you feel like you were run down by a Big Old Bulldozer

Just remember my friend, things can always get worse
Instead of a Bulldozer, it could be a Hearse


My book of Poetry will be on Shelves March 39, 2078.

Thank you for your patience.


* Looks like I may not be going to Hell after all. A Religious Spam Blog linked to this post:)



~ by fairlane on February 24, 2008.

11 Responses to “fairlane’s Sunday Morning Sermon”

  1. Freida Bee says- This shit smells good!

    Put it on Amazon. I’ll pay up to 894 Thneeds.

  2. Fairlane – you are a little ray of sunshine in a gray world today.

    I think it was Robert Frost who once said, “Who left this shit in my typewriter?”



  3. O’ fairlane’s sermons
    Delivered in verse
    For a book of such poetry
    I will open my purse

  4. fairlane….

    i did my own little marketing sermon to Odor today……
    great minds DO think alike

  5. no Sunday ambition to sit in a pew
    having read this fine sermon
    chanelling Seuss as you do.

  6. Muahahahaha, and you even avoided iambic pentameter. For the record, I AM a Fucking Candy Ass, motherfucker, that much is evident. If I may steal Herbert’s line “holy moly, it must be my birthday.”

  7. I’m still wondering what’s growing on your innards.

  8. Freida- I’ll see your 894 Thneeds, and raise you three North-Going Zax, and one Oliver Boliver Butt.

    Ten- Ever since I was touched by the Care Bears (That sounded creepy), I feel it is my duty to bring Rainbowlicious Yumminess to the world.

    Scarlet- Either you and I would have one of those romances they make movies about or we’d end up driving one another insane.

    If you’re not me, and vice versa, than I don’t know me.

    And I’m pretty sure I do.

    DCap- I’m on my way to check it out.

    Susan- I don’t usually care for poetry, unless it’s silly or Bukowski, but I must say that was excellent.

    Isn’t it a shame Bukowski became such a trendy wretch?

    Fucking college kids.

    Randal- You’re welcome. Now, toughen up Momma’s boy.

    DCup- Whatever it is, it’s impervious to every cleaner known to man, and woman.

    I think it’s Calcium Carbonate mixed with Titanium.

    I hate to sound like a broken record, but exactly how many vacation days a year do you get?

  9. Well. This is quite a tribute to RG.

    fairlane, your poetry is terrifically wretched. It kind of makes me want to throw up, yet amuses me at the same time. In case you don’t know this yet, here’s a fun fact. Laughing and puking? They don’t go together very well.

  10. Aaaaah…Pouratree…el mejor!

  11. My only regret is why it took me so long to respond to this… this was too fucking funny.

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