The Bjorg Supremacy (Or How I Learned to Love the Bomb)

567800-galactus_400.jpg We catch up with our Heroes aboard the Borg Hive Ship where a Celebration is taking shape.

But beneath the surface, Trouble is Brewing…

You Go Queen! Soon you will rule the World, Wooo Hooo!

That is correct B of Jorn. For, Resistance is Futile!

That’s right you Whipper Snappers, Resistance is Futile, My Friends!

Resist this, Bitches!

At’s right, huh, huh, eh, huh?, uh, Muh Mistress is Bluto!

Chimpy of II, what did you just say?

What’er ya mean, Queenie? Ah’s just joinin’ n’ on tha’ Fun.

That is not what I asked you, Chimpy of II. I asked you what you said.

Er, uh, uh, I said…uh…Muh Niscus is Brutal.

Wha’ tha Fuck he talking ’bout, Queen?

Bitch be trippin’.

Silence One of None! Now, Chimpy of II, I need you to focus.         Really focus this time. What did you say?

Ah’s gettin’ confused, Queenie. Ah thunk Ah said, Sid Vicious is…uh, Menudo!?!!

Don’t you go bringing any’a that Dag Burn Socialist Music in here, you Commie Scum Sucker. This is a Merica’ fer God’s Sake. We’re free… At least until we take over the World.

Wooo HOooooOOoo! Resistance is Futile!

Yeahhhh, Resistance is Futile. Kneel before the Bjorg!

Can ya’ hear me now, Bitches!!

Yeeeeee Haaaaawww!!!!

Regis is Noodle!!!

Ah, Hell No!! “Regis is?”…Stupid Ass… Queen, please let me Murk this Mother Fucker.

Negative One of None. There will be no “Murking” here on this Greatest of Days, whatever in the Hell “Murking” even means.

Chimpy of II, I order you to repeat our Catch Phrase, and no Screw Ups this Time.

You Hear Me!?!

Ah hear’s ya, Queenie, and you’s doin’ a Heckuva Job.

Is we uh, done yet? Ah’s got muh Crayons out, n’ Ah’s really wantin’ ta Color on muh Banner.

Now listen up, Tweedle Dumb. I was in Nam gettin’ my ass shot off while your were sitting at the Country Club sippin’ on yer Fancy Pants Snicker Doodles, and Snortin’ them Marijuana Sticks.

Forget about yer banner, and Shut IT, before I crack your skull like an Unsalted Peanut!!

Ah’s just tryin’ to Unite us in Celurbrashion. Why’s everyun’ gittin’ so Mad at Muh?

Cuz’ you be a Dumb Ass Mother Fucker.

I said Silence One of None. Do not Interject again!

Do you understand?!!

Oh, I understand. You can believe that. Shit, if a brother was half as Dumb as this Mother Fucker here, he’d be in the Pen servin’ Life.
But this Bitch? Mother Fuckers elect him President, an’ Shit.

Cracker Ass Cracker…

One of None, you will watch your tone when Addressing the Queen!

That’s another thing, why you gotta be Queen anyway? Weren’t you born in Arkansas or some shit? The only Queens they got up n’ that Mug Be Dairy Queens.
An’ that’s Straight Outta’ Compton!

You know? The Magic Negro might be onto sumpthin’ here.

Why are you the Queen anway?

Aren’t you trailing both of us in the Polls?

12 of 13, you will address me with the Respect Afforded someone in my Position.

Oh yeah? What Position is that Queen?


Har, har, har, get it? I said Missionary… because we’re on Top!

Ug, ug, ug, ug.

Damn, no you didn’t.

And who you be callin’ a “Magic Negro?”

Ahem, Pardon Me, but considering I’m the only who actually comes from a part of the World where they still have Queens, shouldn’t I be the one Holding said Title?

Oh, you’re a Queen alright B of Jorn. You’re the biggest Damn Queen in the Entire Borg Collective, but until you can Whip My Ass you need to Shut your Damn Pie Hole.
Got it, you limp wristed Petunia?
As for you Pocahontas, don’t you have to get permission from your Parole Officer to be out this late?

That’s it, it’s on, Bitch!

Bring it!

I’m so sick of all this Bickering.

I don’t want to be a Bjorg anymore.

I quit!

There is no quitting B of Jorn. Just sit down and relax. Here, take one of my Pamprin.

Now, Gentlemen, pull yourselves together!

I know you’re not talkin’ ta me like I be some kinda Bitch.

Well, I know she’s not talking to me, so, she must be talking to you, Cornbread.

Cornbread? You don’t make no sense Methuselah looking…

Gentlemen, I said that’s ENOUGH!!
Don’t make me come over there, and smack both of you Bitches upside your Damn Heads!

You right Queen. I’ll let’em go for now, but it ain’t over Mickey Rooney acting…Skin all looking like a Goddamn Dried Out Cave Fish…

I got your Biaaatch right here Snoop Do… er, ugh, ahhhh…
My Prostate!

See? Now you’ve gone and upset 12 of 13’s condition again. You know he’s not a young man anymore, One of None.
In fact, he was Assimilated almost 3 Millennia Ago.

Shiiittt. It ain’t my fault Old Ironsides is all Busted up, an’ Rusted.
I say we dump his Ass inta Space. We don’t need his Moth Ball Smellin’ Ass no how.

Moth Balls? Ughhh, I got yer Moth Balls right here…
I mean…Aaarrrggggahhhhh…my Urethra is on Fire!!

Huh, huh, huh, he said Moth Balls…

Someone shoot me Please…

Let me at this here Bitch.

Come and get some Darkie…ack, mufht, pffft, aaarnk….

Hush, “Dancing with the Stars” is on…

That’s it for now Folks, but Stay Tuned to this very channel, as we continue to Follow our Heroes in Their Quest to Take Over the World…

Persistence is Strudel!!


~ by fairlane on March 1, 2008.

17 Responses to “The Bjorg Supremacy (Or How I Learned to Love the Bomb)”

  1. I laughed, I cried. It is the feel-good post of the year.



  2. Sweet Mother of Moloch, that’s just fucking funny as all hell, and we all know how side-splitting the infernal pit is.

  3. Was that fun to read or what? It was great fun but shouldn’t McCain have said, “my friends” at least once? 😉

  4. I really appreciate your sharing the voices in your head with us, Fairlane. I’m not splitting my sides laughing at you. I’m splitting my sides laughing with you.

  5. I had not heard the Obama “Magic Negro” reference before (where the hell was I?) but it is interesting to think of it that way. Does he appeal to some white because of the Bagger Vance-esque quality of his candidacy? I finally read the L.A. times atricle by (African American) David Ehrenstein, and he raises interesting points. The article ends like this…

    “Like a comic-book superhero, Obama is there to help, out of the sheer goodness of a heart we need not know or understand. For as with all Magic Negroes, the less real he seems, the more desirable he becomes. If he were real, white America couldn’t project all its fantasies of curative black benevolence on him.”

    I know this was comedy, but you got me thinking again, Fairlane!

  6. Heckuva job, Queenie.

  7. Ten- I do what I can to spread Rainbowy Cheer.

    Randal- The “Infernal Pit?” Isn’t that where the Cavs play?

    PoP- Updated for your viewing pleasure.

    Freida- You are most welcome. We aim to please.

    Cowboy- Limbaugh sang a song, “The Magic Negro” (Originally performed by another dumbass) on his radio show last year.

    I think Obama appeals to “White Guilt,” but at the same time he’s “Safe.”

    He’s intentionally benign, and we don’t need more Milquetoast.

    Scarlet- Thanks Empress.

  8. i neglected to comment after reading this. my apologies.

    this was, despite my failure to comment, pretty damned neat. good comedy, good food for thought.

    well done. bravo. happy leap-day.

  9. fairlane, not until after LeBron leaves as a free agent, you college-town guy. Go school!

  10. You might just enjoy this video by the Onion found on Alternet yesterday. Not that it has anything to do with anything, of course.

  11. Where is Ty Pennington?

  12. Fairlane, Is it blog stealing that I just posted the Onion video that Susan just left a link to up above?

    Susan, I hadn’t seen that and it’s fantastic.

    (I invite you to come kick my ass and take it back, if you want it. Probably all of 1.2 people have seen it over at my high-traffic blog at this point.)

  13. Fairlane, ROTFLMAO. This was so well done! (Resistance is strudel….I won’t be able to forget that…). Great send-up of everyone.

  14. fairlane — rumor has it Bjork will make a guest appearance in the next episode — confirm or deny?

    ROFLMAO too

    do Borgs get drunk, becuase 43 of chimps seems it

    ps — i can just hear the chimp’s voice saying all those things

  15. Commander– I appreciate you taking the time to return, and comment. I visited you last night, but I couldn’t get my comments to post (I think it’s something to do with my new anti-virus software).

    Happy Leap Day right back at ya’.

    Randal– Yeah, yeah, keep talking. I’m fairly certain my “College” team has won more championships than your Cavs (2 to Zippo, and if things go well this year, it might be 3-0).

    – Coincidentally, I just applied for a freelance job with the Onion a couple of weeks ago.

    I thought I’d be perfect, but I guess they didn’t see it that way.

    Thanks for the link.

    – As a special favor for you, because you’re my homie, I promise in the next episode there will be a Ty Pennington cameo.

    I hear he’s looking to “Expand his Horizons,” and is growing tired of that contrived Do-Gooder show.

    – I don’t think it’s considered stealing. Susan didn’t post a Creative Commons button alongside the link.

    I read your blog, so, that’s at least 2.2 people.

    – I try to slay everybody, that way no one can accuse me of being biased.

    In Satire, there is no such thing as an “Innocent Person.”

    They all deserve it.

    I was pretty proud of that line.

    – I think you are correct. In fact, I was on the phone with Bjork’s representatives this morning.

    I must confess, I think Bjork is Hot for some reason. She’s such a bizarre human being, and her eyes are killers.

    I have another confession. Chimpy wrote his own lines for this episode.

  16. fairlane – I loved the post so thought I’d leave a present in return. Sorry you didn’t get the Onion job but you may just be in the process of setting up your own version here.
    btw: I’m convinced Bjork isn’t just from another country – she’s too strange and beautiful not to be from a greater civilization out there somewhere. Maybe if we’re nice she’ll take us there.

    Freida – I’m glad you posted it. I saw it yesterday and when I went to grab it this am it was on it’s way off the Alternet lineup. I’ll be by to visit your blog.

  17. Okay stop. This shit was just waaaay too funny for words. I could totally see Obama going West Coast on McCain’s lily-white ass. Maybe he ought to get a certficate from the Suge Knight school of thuggery.

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