Take Two Deep Breaths, and Call Me in the Morning

797panimage15.jpgSo, I’m sitting at a Red Light with a fellow Hybrid driver, and I’m thinking, “Right on Daddy-O. That’s the way to put your money where your mouth is!”

And then it happens…

The dude rolls down his window, and throws a Fucking Cigarette Butt onto the Street.

The Asshole spends close to 30 grand on a car because he cares about the Environment (I Assume), and is doing his best to Reduce his Impact, and then He Tosses a Fag Out the Window?

Did I mention he had an “Obama ’08” sticker on his bumper?

Can you feel the Rainbowy Deliciousness?

567800-galactus_400.jpgSo, I’m pulling onto the Interstate here in Grand Old Louisville, and as I’m merging, I see a Mini-Van Zooming up from Behind.

It quickly becomes obvious this Dude, in his very own Personalized Mystery Machine, is attempting to keep me from Merging in front of him.

Now, let me mention, the Left Lane is, not unlike Chimpy’s Head, completely Empty, Vacant, Deserted, Not a Single Fucking Car for Miles, and the Douche could easily get over without slowing, but instead ends up about Five Feet off My Bow.

I look back, and Shaggy is not only right on my Ass, he’s giving me the Finger. Even Sweeter Than him giving me the Finger is, his Son (Who couldn’t be more than 8 or 9 years old) sitting in the Passenger Seat right next to Daddy.

And it gets better-

Who do you think I spy sitting between them?

That’s Right-

How’d You Guess?

It was, Jesus.

The Savior, the Messiah, the Guy who came to Earth in order to Save the Human Race from Itself.

Unfortunately, the Human Race was not so Interested in Being Saved, and subsequently Nailed the Messiah to a Cross like a Common Thief.

However, this turn of events proved to be an Incredibly Prescient Marketing Ploy, as Two Thousand Years Later, the Likeness of Yahweh hanging from said Cross became a Huge Seller.

In fact, Modern Americans are downright obsessed with turning the Likeness of their Butchered Messiah into Knick Knackery.

You’d be hard pressed to find a Home in this Country that doesn’t have at least a couple Mao Tse-Jesus’ Hanging Around.

Salt/Pepper Shakers, Oven Mitts, Figurines (Of all shapes, sizes, and Colors), Clothing, Hats, Cheesy Paintings, Flags, Pretty Much any Idiotic Thing Imaginable (This for Example)-

We loves the Jesus, and will put his Thorn Covered Head on Anything.

And if we can get a couple of Bucks for it?

Even Better.

These days, one of Christ’s favorite Hangouts is the Rear View Mirror.

I guess it makes sense when you think about it.

He is Nailed to that Cross after all, and surely isn’t going anywhere, but…

If he’s hanging on the Mirror of some Asshole’s Mini-Van?

Well, the World is only an Interstate Away.

Imagine the sights Jesus sees as he twirls about like a Martyred Disco Ball.

In hindsight, I guess it’s lucky the J Man could heal himself because it’s Blatantly Obvious we sure as Shit Ain’t Interested in Healing a Fucking Thing.

We love Death, and Violence, and Bury Ourselves in It.

If Jesus had to depend on Humans to heal his Wounds, he’d be up the Proverbial Tree without a Nail Puller.

Which leads us back to Captain Mini-Van.

After a few seconds of “Catching My Draft,” as they say in NASCAR, he Zips into the other lane, and pulls beside me.

Dude is Fucking Foaming at the Country Mouth-

I can only Imagine the Pride his son is Feeling at this Moment, and Jesus…?

Hell, he’s all about the Open Road Mate, he Done Did His Savin’.

It’s Jesus Time Baby.

I look over, and give the Guy my Best Shit Eating Grin sending him Directly over the Edge.

He motions for me to Pull Over, but I Keep Driving, and Smiling-

I’m not interested in Him or his Tiny Pee Pee Syndrome, and at last, there is nothing but the Undeniable Reality of it all. He has no choice, but to Capitulate.

He speeds away with the Son of Man, and the Son of God in Tow.

But in a Final Gesture, One Last “Fuck You” for the road, he Whips into my lane Jamming His Brakes.

And there, on his Bumper, in Nice Neat White Letters for all the World to See-

I laugh out loud thinking-

Although We Live in a World Filled with Messiahs, We Still Have No Fucking Idea Where We’re Going.





~ by fairlane on March 8, 2008.

21 Responses to “Take Two Deep Breaths, and Call Me in the Morning”

  1. Jesus and Road rage don’t mix.
    jesus and war don’t mix.
    Jesus and lies don’t mix.
    oh yeah i forgot…it depends on what you are drinking.

    I go ballistic when someone motions for me to pull over. I am working on that.it is hard not to take out my oent up frustrations on some macho asshole who thinks he is going to bully a stranger.

  2. This is why I stay inside most days. I’m not afraid of the outside world, it’s just too ridiculous to care about. But hey, put a Jesus or an Obama sticker on your car; it’s literally the least you can do.

    Fairlane, you are so right on once again.

  3. I think he’s come down with that trendy Obamania.

  4. I have to say that, as a Christian, I realize there are a great many people out there who claim to be a Christian, in some form or another, but really just don’t get it. Hanging a crucifix in your car, or putting a “Jesus Loves You” bumper sticker on your car does not make one a Christian. In order to become a Christian, one must become a follower of Christ. This means you must acknowledge your sins, repent of them, accept Jesus as your Savior, and most importantly, change your ways. What good is repenting if you’re just going to go on living the way you did before? You must begin striving to follow in Christ’s footsteps. By that, I don’t mean performing miracles and dying on a cross, of course. I just mean you have to try to be perfect like he was. This is where it gets tricky, though. We are human, so we are bound to fail. However, I think it’s safe to say that the dude you encountered was not trying very hard, and so probably was not actually a Christian. Maybe he was driving his grandma’s van or something. Maybe his wife put the Jesus and the bumper sticker on the van, and that’s why he was so pissed. It’s hard to tell.

    I guess my point is, don’t judge Christianity by the actions of one jerk with a Jesus bumper sticker. Being Christian doesn’t make us perfect, but we are supposed to try to lived changed lives. Instead, I would judge Christianity by the words of our Savior. Not everyone understands them, and even less actually follow them, but they are at least a better measure of what the religion is supposed to be, rather than the actions of some schmoe with a bumper sticker.

    Sorry for the rambling response.

  5. This little light of mine? I’m gonna let it shine?

    Fvcking hilarious.

    And Jesus says “fvck you,” too!

  6. This is the funniest shit I’ve ever read in my life. Get yourself an agent and get the fuck out to Hollywood to write comedies for the movies, HBO, regular TV whatever. This shit’s PRICELESS, buddy. I’m sending the link to one of my business partners in the states who’s not even interested in politics.

  7. Pathetic! I know of a couple of guys who fit this mold, fairlane. One of them lives with his mama (a bible believing Christian), doesn’t hold a job, and doesn’t own a car. Guess whose car he’s drivin’. The other hates everybody, especially Christians. His idea of a good time is to “Jesus” his ride, go out on the interstate, and let his road rage take over. I find no humor at all in this…except for maybe Chimpy’s head and rainbowy deliciousness.

  8. I know where I’m going, into the basement to get the next load of laundry. See you all tomorrow at the institutional cannibal ritual!

  9. Jesus don’t love me. He just loves my Doggy Style.

  10. Apparently Jesus Loves You but hates your driving. That said, liked the image of Rambo Jesus. No doubt that’ll scare them Islamofascists.

  11. Jesusistanis ALWAYS say one thing and do another. No surprise there.

    As for butt flippers…. I knew a Greenpeace member that never hesitated to pollute the fucking scenery with a butt. If they can’t read the warnings on the cigarette packs, I guess it’d be a stretch to expect them to understand that cigarette butts are litter.

  12. You know how I hate when this shit happens.

  13. that is sooo funny! i wonder if they make jebus bobbleheads ???

  14. JollyRoger,

    I’m impressed at how you know what ALL “Jesusistanis” do ALL the time. Nice work.

  15. It wasn’t really my intention to cast aspersions specifically on Obama and/or Jesus Lovers.

    I just see a connection between “Obamamania,” and the desire for a “Messiah/Savior.”

    Oh, and welcome back Suzi Riot, and you too Reasic.

    Good to see you kids around and about.

  16. I do feel sorry for the kid in the van. His father obviously has issues controlling his temper. The kid might grow up with some type of mental complex resulting from years of trying to avoid sending Daddy over the proverbial edge (or years of unnecessary beatings).

  17. fairlane- I love your post, it just verifies for me that I’m not the only one running into these assholes. I saw a car last year that had painted on the back window (Jesus is in this car). Now, the first thing I thought was, that really sucks for Jesus because it was a beat up old Chevy with rusted doors and bald tires. I would think he’d drive a much more environmentally friendly car.

    Just for fun, the other day I checked out Barack Obama’s blog on his “official” website. In the comment section there was a guy that said that Obama will win the nomination and the Presidency because he was chosen by God. Now, that could mean two things. God has switched from Republican to Democrat, because according to the right wingers, He chose Bush last time. Or, the right wingers have infiltrated the Obama camp, which wouldn’t surprise me now that most of them won’t admit they’re Republicans any more.

    Love the idea of the big smile you gave the guy, nothing works better than showing that nothing the guy does can faze you…takes away his power.

  18. Hey, I missed this post before! It was really good. I remember, when I was a little kid, and I first heard the expression ‘Jesus Saves’…..I thought it meant he was a relief pitcher for the Milwaukee Braves.

  19. yes, you are correct! I do have some Jesus stuff in my house. How can this be? Well I got the little statue at a yard sale for a quarter. It is made of the old plastic, say 1940s. I thought it was worth a quarter.

    And I also have a copy of the Koran, several Buddha statues and a few Mother Mary planters, plus some Goddess icons are thrown in for good measure. I just want to understand every point of view before I denounce it. So far, I think the Buddhists are swinging. I like paganism just because…

    But the point you make about Obama and Jesus followers: that is priceless! wtf is wrong with these people? I still want to know why everyone thinks Obama is so progressive. I just don’t see it.

  20. reasic- The kid had this horrified look on his face. I’m sure it will be a long time before he forgets that episode, if he ever does.

    I can understand road rage at times. People can be serious assholes on the road, but I was just trying to merge, and the other lane was wide open for him.

    Who knows?

    ME- If I were Jesus, I’d be sitting in a brand new Porsche.

    To hell with the environment. After all, if he’s here, that means the world is getting ready to end anyway, so why not go out at 200 MPH?

    Obama is a tad too “Religious” for my liking. We need better government, not more Religion.

    Okjimm- That would be a sight to see. “Jesus just threw two 250 MPH fastballs followed by a slider that stopped in mid-air, did a figure eight, stopped off for a hotdog, and soda, then flew down from the stands, and caught the outside edge of the plate.”

    I wonder what the opposing manager would say?

    Liberality- I don’t either. Maybe I’m cynical, but I’m just not buying the “Hope.”

    He knows he’s making promises he cannot possibly keep, and that should make people suspicious, at the very least.

  21. Freakin sublime post !!! oh yeah baby…tell it. Great read.

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