Encyclopedia Brown and The Great “Comments Are Closed” Caper

This is an oldie, and I sincerely apologize.

Scarlet said she had something in the works, but apparently she was Drinking at the time, and the only thing she was working on was, a Hangover.

If you’ve read it before, tough titties, read it again, and if not, you should because there’s going to be a test sometime in the near Future.

Oh, and thanks for all the great comments the past couple of weeks.

I hate blogs that don’t let you comment. I Fucking Hate It! What is that about anyway? Are they telling us-

“I’ve pretty much said anything of relevance as far as this subject’s concerned, and there’s nothing you could possibly add to the discussion?”

It’s pompous.

I understand some bloggers do it because it supposedly “Looks Bad” if your posts have No Comments, or if they only have one or two, but who gives a Shit?

I see an empty Comment Section as Virgin Ground, and I’m a Norse Warrior demi-god ready to rape and pillage.

I always try to comment on every blog I visit, not out of sympathy, but out of common courtesy. I mean, if you’re going to come into a person’s house, and use the restroom, you can at least have the decency to say-

“Hello, I think your toilet’s clogged, and you’re out of toilet paper. Oh, and one last thing, you might want to use the upstairs bathroom for the next couple of hours.”

Seriously, it’s galling to me. What if I have something to say, and you’ve prevented me from sharing my vast Hallucinogenic Inspired Wisdom? What if it’s really important, such as-

“Dude, your blog is Freaking me the Fuck Out with all the Bright, Flashing Things.”

There’s one Blog in particular, and I won’t name names, but they are a very “Popular” blog. And there is no commenting allowed. Apparently they’re Omniscient, and it’s simply unnecessary. You might look foolish attempting to comment on that level of genius-

“His chops are too righteous.”

I thought the “Blogosphere”, aside from being the place Dorks go when they Die, was a place to share ideas etc. The whole point is to stir up conversations, to interact and all that “Hippie” Crap. You know-

“Love your neighbor. No, seriously, it’s okay if you love her, they’re Swingers.”

I’m already risking Carpal Tunnel Syndrome clicking my mouse to visit your Damn Blog. I then suffer through your vain attempts at Intellectualism, and your Stilted use of Language, and the only thing I have keeping me afloat, my only hope, (“Help us Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re our only hope”) is, the opportunity to comment, and what happens? I get to the bottom and….nothing. Not even, “Comments Closed”. Just a series of buttons asking me to “furl”, “digg”, “Technorati”, and God knows what else.

It’s tantamount to getting a massage without the “Happy Ending”. She’s looking at you, you’re looking at her, you look down, she looks down, you look back at her, and she says-

“Have a nice day sir.”

“What? Can’t you see I have casts on both arms? If all I wanted was to relax, I’d pick up a Pint of Bourbon, Pop a couple of Xanax and save myself $45!”

Let us comment Dammit!

The other reason the “Blogosphere” exists is so everyone can be an expert. I mean, if I was intelligent enough to click a couple of buttons setting this blog up, surely I’m qualified to comment on your video of Bush having a bird Shit on his jacket.

I’m sure the “irony” is beyond me, but if I fall on my face, I’m no worse for wear.

Hell, I fall down drunk almost every night trying to find my bathroom.


~ by fairlane on April 13, 2008.

24 Responses to “Encyclopedia Brown and The Great “Comments Are Closed” Caper”

  1. Hear, Hear.
    I have had it with these chicken shit bloggers.
    Maybe it is called the blogosphere because most of the people have Egos made of ether and if someone were to disagree with them their self image would evaporate.

  2. I think having no comment facility is just rude and arrogant. Why don’t they just go and publish some sort of online newspaper instead? The whole point of blogging is that people are able to comment. No commenting means no blog.

  3. Shit, I forgot to turn the comments off.

  4. Several memorable quotes here:

    I see an empty comment section as virgin ground, and I’m a Norse warrior demi-god ready to rape and pillage.

    I mean if you’re going to come into a person’s house and use the restroom, you can at least have the decency to say, “Hello, I think your toilet’s clogged, and you’re out of toilet paper. Oh, and one last thing, you might want to use the upstairs bathroom for the next couple of hours.”

    Classic, fairlane. Nice work. 😛

    And finally, the pièce de résistance:

    Shit, I forgot to turn the comments off.

    I’m ready to start the Jones Town Fan Club.

  5. As the great Gabby Johnson said in Blazing Saddles:


    I found you through Blue Gal’s site and I will be back!

  6. Classic fairlane, shoot from the hip until your out.


  7. Worse still, are the blogs that only let a few “sophisticated” comments get published. I’m always annoyed when some “blog of the minute” only has two comments on it; how did they ever get to the top of the list if only two people found their site interesting enough to leave a comment.

    Keep up the good work.

  8. Someone found this post by entering, “His chops are too righteous” in one of the search engines. Now that is “righteous”.

  9. People search for the funniest things and actually find stuff. I could probably devote a post to it.

    Some examples from my blog:

    sheep herd (actually a very common search for me)

    ballon logging (no idea)

    dinosaurs farts (to be fair, I do have a post with that title)

    time difference between buffalo and seattle (I don’t know. I just think that’s funny.)


    reasic (Hey, someone searched for me!)

    define A NOD IS AS GOOD AS A WINK TO A B (I wish it wouldn’t cut off the searches. I assume the rest was “LIND MAN”)

  10. I loved that “His chops are too righteous” line.

    One of the funniest things about blogging is all the prentiousness you get to witness and, best of all, mock shamelessly. For a dedicated mocker like moi, it’s better than grad school.

    Some peops, who take themselves far too seriously, are on their knees begging for a good mocking.

    One of the best things about blogging, though, is the comment section. I like when someone comes along and says something witty or profound or even just goofy in a fun way to something I’ve written. I blog as much for the comments as I do the pleasure of writing. You people crack me up. Most of the time. There are some trollish types who make fun of my feet and stuff, but gosh darn it, my feet are mine, they’re beautiful, and they’re good feet.

    I could have submited the feet post to Jonestown?

    I really am going to get something to you this week. I swears it, preciousssss.

  11. No comment

  12. The only reason I’ve continued blogging is the fact of being able to comment if the phantsy takes me. It’s like dropping into an enormous cocktail party where you can take part in discussions you might not start on your own but about which it turns out you actually have a thought or two. If not, you’re free to take your drink and wander away or even go home to bed.

  13. Boy&Howdy!! Left-overs! Ten months old! Lemmee just pop ’em in the microwave and warm ’em up….

    //Hell, I fall down drunk almost every night trying to find my bathroom.//

    Well at least you find the bathroom…..I remember (with some distaste) a college room mate that woke drunk in the middle of the night and merely lifted the dust cover on the turntable……..asshole! It was my turntable!!

  14. Fairlane-

    If I had my comments turned off ever, I would be paranoid about one of the above statements, but that is just because you leave such love-hate-filled comments and I’m so vain, I bet you think I think this post is about me. And then, I dont’ know what’s up and what’s down and it keeps me guessing and on my toes and shit, all needy for your approval…. Your comments are like your blessed abuse, because negative attention is better than no attention, right?


  15. I haven’t come across too many blogs that don’t allow comments, but what is driving me fucking crazy is the moderation thingy. WTF? If someone leaves a hate filled message, leave it there and let him look like an ass or if it’s really bad, delete it. Who cares if some people see it before it’s deleted, we’re all grown ups, we can take it. The same thing goes for the letter or number verification, I hate those things! I’ve never had it in the year I’ve had my blog up and I’ve only had one or two spam messages come through…then I deleted them. Bingo, problem solved. Live life dangerously, shut off that verification button and save us all some time!

    Ok, I’m done ranting…you can delete my comment or leave it up so everyone can see what an ass I am. 🙂

  16. Whoa!!! ME! //so everyone can see what an ass I am. //

    Does that mean you are gonna do a moon on the blog!!

    Whoa!! hang on Chicago!!

  17. ME- We use moderation because of bot blogs. If I allow their pingbacks (We get anywhere from 5-15 per day) to get through, then I can’t get rid of them.

    There’s some Marketing Douche who developed a program that automatically sends out pingbacks to blogs based on keywords.

    The gist is, if the pingback gets through, they get 1) free marketing, and 2) they can leech off your PageRank.

    Why is it a big deal? Because they are supposed to be paying $$$.

    It’s an unethical, yet legal, way of doing business, and as a small Internet business owner who pays for marketing, it pisses me off.

    What doesn’t piss me off is this rumor I’m hearing about you showing your butt on the Internet.

    Are you selling tickets?

  18. // about you showing your butt on the Internet. //

    Oh, Wow!!!! So it is TRUE!!!! Gees, ya know, it’s just like a Catholic Girl….there’s always confession later,

    “Bless me Father, for I have sinned……and it was good, too!”

  19. here’s you’re fucking comment and I hope you’re fucking happy! ;D

  20. fairlane and okjimm- Gee, I didn’t think of selling tickets! Of course, by the time I get this habit off, you guys would be bored and go home. Do you know how many freakin’ layers this thing is?

    Thanks for the explanation on the word verification thingy. Not that it made a lick of sense to me cuz I’m computer illiterate and dumb as a rock. But I’ll take your word for it.

  21. I use the “type this nonsensical string” thingy and am happy with it. I don’t get any automated spam, and only rarely get any other sort.

    Normally, I only leave comments when I have something to say, but since you think commenting is good manners I didn’t let that stop me here.

  22. ok- I’m just going on what you said, and it sounds like ME is game.

    Looks like we have the front row all to ourselves.

    Liberality=- Thanks a fucking lot 8)

    ME- Generally, I’m not a patient man, but I think in this case, I can make an exception.

    Cujo- Next time, I’ll have a post that’s more interesting. I was caught off guard yesterday.

    Thanks for not complaining about re-heated leftovers.

  23. Akismet was a blessing when I was on WordPress : though comment spam gets worse the higher the Technorati numbers rise. I haven’t had to install it yet at the new address. Instead I find the neighbours are sociable.
    Running down comments threads at Washington Monthly’s Political Animal developed everything from Chinese spam to impersonators and trolls in squads. They allowed uncontrolled comments until it did finally get so nuts it was either moderate or kill comments. That was not a happy decision by the editor, who had resisted the exense. ‘Free Comment !’

  24. I haven’t had to deal with weirdo bot attacks. It pays to have a dinky ass shit blog.

    I didn’t realize that that many blogs still don’t have comments. And if ME is planning on any kind of nakedness, there better be another seat in that front row.

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