I’m flaky–I’ll write about anything

Ah, Jonestown, mind if I just hang out here a bit? See, I think a certain blogger has brought a sister swarm down on himself over at my own blog, so I’m hiding from…er, tactfully avoiding…the situation.

Look, can we talk?

To tell the truth, I’m a little freaked out about this whole Jonestown thing. It’s like, what if, say, the 60 Minutes cast was having a party and then somebody invited Phoebe from Friends? And they were all talking about important, serious stuff like global warming and…you know… some other stuff, and then Phoebe started talking about how she got hepatitis when a pimp spit in her mouth? (NOT that that happened to me. I’m just saying. I mean, it happened to Phoebe, and I am not Phoebe, and I don’t know any pimps. Seriously. I saw a pimp once, downtown in St. Louis, but that’s the extent of my relations with pimps. And maybe he was a pimp, and maybe he was just a guy walking by in a purple suit and big red hat? Not that there’s anything wrong with a purple suit and a red hat, mind you. I mean, if that’s what you’re wearing today, then that’s cool. Well, cool in a tacky sort of way….)

Anyway, one time, I took a quiz on the Internet called “Which Friend are you?” I was Phoebe. And later I was riding in a car with my friend, and I told her I took that quiz, and BEFORE I could even say which Friend I was, she started laughing (cackling might be a more apt description, and I’m sure Rush Limbaugh and Joe Scarborough would agree) and said, “Oh, you are SO Phoebe.”

Only here’s the problem– these are the kinds of things peops are talking about here at Jonestown:

  • U.S. Drug Policy
  • Fraudulent Chain Mail
  • The War in Iraq
  • Politics

And here are the things I blogged about recently:

  • My feet (which SOME PEOPLE ridiculed)
  • Pink Grapefruit Margaritas (good with Xanax)
  • Sea monkeys giving me the finger (and don’t think I didn’t give them the finger right back. Enjoy that splash of tequila, you little effers. Or shall we just call you FLOATERS now?)
  • My kid calling another kid on the school bus “Drunken Hobo” (which was kind of a serious post in that it made me realize just how wrong it is for me to assign unflattering nicknames to my neighbors like “Vampire Lady” for the woman who hardly ever comes outside, and “Dead Man Walking” for the one who shaved his head, and “Snake” for the redneck guy I hate, and “Dog Boy” for the one who got drunk or wasted or high on gas fumes or whatever and chased my car, and “Man Boob” for the guy with the huge man boobs propped up by his massive belly, without which he would need some serious 24 Hour Playtex support….)
  • Talking chimps (they know more about getting a job than I do)
  • Naked people and clowns (if you find that intriguing, you are effing creepy)
  • Hummers (the kind you drive)
  • Ale and how much I like it (Scotch ale in particular)
  • One time, on the old blog, I wrote about my underwear for three days in a row

And then there was the series of articles I did about Second Life, including how I went into someone’s virtua house and squatted in the bathtub naked because I didn’t know how to make my avatar sit down yet. Then when I was going to leave the house, I realized I didn’t know how to put my clothes back on yet. I had to draw them from scratch. That was before I learned how to go to yard sales and get free clothing.

So, you can see that these are very different things, and we are functioning at very different levels in the Blogosphere (I’ll try to use that term whenever I can just for you, Emperor.) Or the peops at Jonestown are functioning. I am sort of existing, a step up from a stuffed animal. But with better shoes (of course, SOME PEOPLE have been known to ridicule my choices in footwear, too. WTF?).

Truthfully, I’m just really boring. Every day, I get up, and it’s the same old thing. Here, see for yourself.

5:30 am: Woke up. Cursed alarm clock.
5:32 am: Searched for slippers in the dark. Cursed right one, then left one.
5:35 am: New coffeemaker functional. No need to curse it.
5:45 am: Shower. Cursed ugly, cracked shower wall. Cursed Lowe’s for making new shower wall thingy prohibitively expensive. Cursed Be$tBuy because they just suck. Don’t ever buy a dryer from those vultures.
6:00 am: Cursed trash for not taking itself out.
6:05 am: Saw Dead Man Walking taking out his trash. Cursed self for wearing robe outside with ankle boots. Oh, so effing funny, Dead Man Walking. Cursed him. Go me!
6:06 am: Vampire Lady next door makes rare appearance in doorway. Maybe not vampire? Held fingers up in sign of a cross anyway, just in case.
6:10 am: Cursed wardrobe. Clothes all strictly winter or summer; no in-between clothes. Wtf?
6:20 am: Good hair day. No need to curse it.
6:30 am: Woke up Jedi. Cursed me. WTF with the attitudes?
7:00 am: Found jacket covered in cat hair. Cursed Cat One and Cat Two.

And that’s just before I got out the door, whereupon, I went out into the world and found more things to curse: American government (the class; not that the actual government doesn’t suck), American history, sophomores, juniors, high schools in general, banana peels left in the trash all weekend, people who stink up public restrooms, low-fat provolone because it tastes like crap, plastic forks and their stupid little tines that snap off and stick in your throat, copy machines, learning objectives, teenage drivers, pricks in SUV’s, teen pricks in SUV’s, the grocery store that only puts the beer on sale that some people suspect is really just dog piss although it is made by a very famous brewery in S_ L____….

As you can see, it was a very busy, yet tedious day with no intellectual stimulation and just lots of cursing….

In fact, just now, I went out to get the mail, and it was all bills, so I had to curse it, and then I saw Dead Man Walking, and he grinned at me, so I cursed him again.

Go me!

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~ by Scarlet Blue on April 16, 2008.

32 Responses to “I’m flaky–I’ll write about anything”

  1. You certainly make nothing sound interesting.

  2. Alright Scarlet, I’ll stop cursing PT, even though he is WRONG. I did challenge him to a fight, but he hasn’t answered me yet. But boy, when you tell him to STFU, he gets right personal. I’m probably the vampire lady in my neighborhood. But I do always speak to my neighbors when I see them once a month or so.

    I’m taking a small survey. Would you guys mind answering one question? I’m bitter. Are you bitter, too?

  3. I’m not bitter, I’m sweet as honey.

  4. Am I bitter?

    Hmmmm, I’m not sure. I’ve never tasted myself.

    Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week.

    Please, remember to tip the waitresses. They work hard for their money.

    As for ME, and the others, I say we have a Taste Test 😉

    Scarlet- Your sense of irony is, well, it’s like reading one of my own posts, except you wrote it.

    You’re the only person, aside from Tengrain, who makes me laugh out loud, and

    I hope you’re joking about not feeling like you fit in, remember-

    You fit into me
    like a hook into an eye
    A fish hook
    An open eye

  5. Scarlett, I can relate … on many levels.

    I have names for my neighbors as well. Well, actually, I have a friend who has named my neighbors. For some reason, he’s been calling the woman who lives next door to me “The Clam” … Well, I guess it’s OK to call my next door neighbor “The Clam” … no harm done. BUT now it’s spring (or spring-like) and today I looked out the (open) window and said to my friend (loudly) … “HEY, THERE’S THE CLAM TAKING OUT HER GARBAGE.” And then we had a hearty laugh.

    Suffice it to say “The Clam” heard me … I’m sure she did because she looked a little startled and looked over to my house.

    I’m never leaving my house again, I’m so embarrassed.

  6. Wowsers…..I was on my son’s radio show at the U last night. After three beers and some shots….I guess I got him in trouble the way I read the Public Service Announcement about Alzhiemer’s……

    plus the station manager did not like my selection of a Zappa song…Dinah-moe-hum……

    “I couldn’t say where she’s coming’ from,
    But i just met a lady named dinah-moe humm

    She stroll on over, say look here, bum,
    I got a forty dollar bill say you can’t make me cum
    (y’jes can’t do it)

    She made a bet with her sister who’s a little dumb
    She could prove it any time all men was scum

    I don’t mind that she called me a bum,
    But i knew right away she was really gonna cum
    (so i got down to it)

    I whipped off her bloomers’n stiffened my thumb
    An’ applied rotation on her sugar plum

    I poked’n stroked till my wrist got numb
    But i still didn’t hear no dinah-moe humm,
    Dinah-moe humm…..”

    geees…..I guess it is better to be flaky and type anything….than to be slightly tipsy on the radio…..
    ….of course though, he is now the campus hero for playing soft porn on the radio

    Flake ON!!!

  7. scarlet…..

    somehow i find your boring life a lot more interesting than reading my post on death and taxes.

    please dont become a nerdy bore like me

  8. Hmm.. Zappa knew some pimps. Meet Willie:

    I’m a little pimp with my hair gassed back
    Pair a khaki pants with my shoe shined black

    Got a little lady . . . walk the street
    Tellin’ all the boys that she cain’t be beat

    Twenny dollah bill (I can set you straight)
    Meet me onna corner boy ‘n don’t be late

    Man in a suit with a bow-tie neck
    Wanna buy a grunt with a third party check

    Standin’ onna porch of the Lido Hotel
    Floozies in the lobby love the way I sell:
    HOT MEAT
    HOT RATS
    HOT CATS
    HOT RITZ
    HOT ROOTS
    HOT SOOTS

    HOT MEAT
    HOT RATS
    HOT CATS
    HOT ZITZ
    HOT ROOTS
    HOT SOOTS

    Keep on cursing.. you’re in good company.

    btw okjimm, nice going 🙂

  9. DCap- Your “boring” post got picked up by Skippy, and Club Troppo. Apparently, some people like it.

  10. Bitter? You bet. Like an Aspirin.

    Fairlane: I make you laugh?

    Regards,

    Tengrain

  11. And that’s a good thing, Liberality? 😉

    I’m kind of salty, UT. And crunchy.

    I love a man who can quote Margaret Atwood for me.

    Anita, that is always the danger—you get caught doing that crap.

    Good grief, Okjimm, you weren’t using your real name, were you?

    That was a good post, DCap, and that is the bread and butter here at Jonestown. It’s what bloggers like. Besides,if we all wrote about nothing, then there would be a lot of nothing here.

    Good grief, Susan, you’re encouraging him?

  12. Scarlet-

    You, my dear, are a writer after my own heart.

    I so love it when you write as though you are talking without taking a breath.

    Going back to look for posts about your underwear…

  13. Encouraging you too, I would hope. Not that you need any.

  14. We’re stuck here
    on this side of the border
    in this country of thumbed streets and stale buildings

    where there is nothing spectacular
    to see and the weather is ordinary

    where love occurs in its pure form only
    on the cheaper of the souvenirs

    where we must walk slowly,
    where we may not get anywhere

    or anything, where we keep going,
    fighting our ways, our way
    not out, but through.

    Freida- The underwear posts are hilarious. Classic.

    Ten- To answer your question, Yes.

    Peace Homie

  15. Scarlet – And now you know why Fairline is filing a grievance with the bloggers union against my ass for taking a break. Sometimes real life gets in the way of all the issues we write about and all we can do is “curse” it. Yes, Scarlet…Go You!

  16. Golly Gee, Ms Scarlet // you weren’t using your real name,//

    I am not sure if I have one anymore. Margaret Atwood is cool….but I have found that if I really wanna make points with babes,,,, ee cummings works.

    To make up for Zappa…I have to read poety next week…Silverstein

    Where the Sidewalk Ends

    There is a place where the sidewalk ends
    And before the street begins,
    And there the grass grows soft and white,
    And there the sun burns crimson bright,
    And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
    To cool in the peppermint wind.

    Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
    And the dark street winds and bends.
    Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
    We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
    And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
    To the place where the sidewalk ends.

    Yes we’ll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
    And we’ll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
    For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
    The place where the sidewalk ends

    Shel Silverstein

    –I think Jonestown is kinda like the place where the sidewalk ends.

  17. This post would make a good scene in a well written movie. Who should play Scarlet?

  18. Nifty

  19. Apparently, you’re all a traveling band of cannibalistic minstrels. Fucking weirdos.

  20. //a traveling band of cannibalistic minstrels.//

    Gees, I wonder what he meant by that? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….

    // Who should play Scarlet..//

    I think casting Randal and Fairlane might be more difficult.

    I wonder if Charleton Heston is available?

  21. Ah, those underwear posts, Freida. I still get angry when I think of the abuse I endured, and the abuse my underwear endured. If you read those posts, know this: I have never taught at Screw U again and never will.

    Susan, if you’re sure you want to do that…. 😉

    Again with the Atwood, fairlane. I started my Nvisiblewmn 1 blog with a poem of hers — Siren Song. Love that.

    Spartacus, I don’t know if the cursing helps, but it feels good.

    With this babe, Atwood works better. Throw in some Emily Dickinson and some Emily Bronte, and I’m anybody’s. However, you will recall I’m 6’7″.

    G, who are you thinking? Careful. 😉

    Wyldth1ng–Master of the One-Word Comment.

    RG, weren’t you the one who got excited about the possibility of naked people and clowns?

    So, Heston for fairlane or RG? And what do you think this is, anyway, a male nipple movie?

  22. Within my garden rides a bird
    Upon a single wheel,
    Whose spokes a dizzy music make
    As ‘t were a traveling mill.

    He never stops, but slackens
    Above the ripest rose,
    Partakes without alighting,
    And praises as he goes;

    Till every spice is tasted,
    And then hi fairy gig
    Reels in remoter atmospheres,
    And I rejoin my dog.

    And he and I perplex us
    If positive ‘t were we-
    Or bore the garden in the brain
    This curiosity?

    But he, the best logician,
    Refers my duller eye
    To just vibrating blossoms-
    An exquisite reply!

    I don’t have any Bronte.

    And if anyone is going to play me in a movie, I want Christopher Walken.

  23. Awesomeness.

    I was having a very boring afternoon in my engineering job at my engineering desk, staring at my engineering computer, when I read your post. I think the rest of the day will be much better.

    Thank you, Scarlet.

  24. Yeah, what Reasic said. And I didn’t see a single “Cathy”!

    Fairlane-Christopher Walken? Howza Christian Bale? Or Christopher Robin?

    I gotta go home; It’s beer time.

  25. Has anybody ever thought that the communities of people that would never meet otherwise had there not been a blogospere might save the sanity [or the creative insanity] of the Human Race? And yes Scarlet dear you are beautifully SO PHOEBE!

  26. SWB, fine, hold my past words against me. What am I, a Democratic candidate? As for the movie, years ago, we attempted to cast everyone here at work. I would have to be played by the love child of Dave Mustaine and David Spade. That ought to give you an idea to my utter lack handsome screen presence. fairlane will have to be Heston. But we’ll have to dig him up first.

    Diane, if we’re to save humanity, don’t we need a grand stockpile of guns? Or at least booze and weed?

  27. +oooohhhh,,,,booze and weed…..I think we can save a lotta humanity with booze and weed…..or at least save the insanity…..in a crazy world we all need a bit of insanity….

  28. Christopher Walken???? NOOOOOO. NO. No. God, no. I feel sickish now. But then, it will be an actress playing the Empress, and not me, so it might be okay.

    Is that your favorite Emily D, Emperor? I read somewhere long ago that almost all of her poems could be sung to the tune of Amazing Grace. Try it sometime.

    Thank YOU, Reasic.

    CHRISTIAN BALE! YES, GOD! I can just think of him and swoon. See? Well, you can’t. But I just swooned and banged my head on the desk. But it was SO worth it!

    I like that “beautifully” part, Diane. Thanks.

    Dave Mustaine AND David Spade? Hilarious.

    Yes, save the insanity first! Without it, humans would not be funny at ALL.

  29. Speaking of Chistopher Walken, on Hawaii Five-o, the second season, he has a great part as a Military MP who accidentally shoots his best friend who is married to his ex girlfriend and then tries to pin the blame on a local brodah. Oh man, was he young, you guys really need to check it out. I almost died watching it,I was like screaming, he was so good, way back then – the polish, the training, the tempo, of course, he was a dancer. Anyway, really. And in the same season BTW, a young Martin Sheen plays a hood trying to frame Kelley chin Ho. This reminds me, I have to go order Season Three.

  30. I agree he’s a fantastic actor, Maggie. I just don’t find him attractive sexually. (Oh, god, I wrote the “S” word in public. My mother would smack me. I feel so Naughty now).

    30 comments!

  31. Of course, 25 of those are my own.

  32. Attempting to choose an actor as Sexually Attractive as I, proved Impossible.

    So, I went with an actor who at least matches my Bizarreness.

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