My Old Kentucky Home

A Horse was Euthanized today at the Kentucky Derby.

It’s comical really.

Wingnuts here, in Good Old Kentuck, are up in arms about the prospect of Casino Gambling because it’s “Immoral,” and Encourages “Criminal” behavior, but Horse Racing?

Shit, Jesus loves throwing down Mint Juleps while watching Horses run around in Circles with Hispanic Midgets on their backs.

How about, from now on, when a horse “Breaks Down,” because it’s being forced to do something completely Un-Natural, they Euthanize the Owner, the Jockey, and all the People who bet on the horse, as well?

Kentucky’s Contributions to American Culture-

1) Tobacco

2) Coal

3) Bourbon

4) Horse Racing

5) George W. Bush Jr.

6) Ned Beatty

Oh, did I mention Kentucky has the highest percentage of Senior Citizens, and people under 20 without Fucking Teeth?

Ten percent of the population in Kentucky is missing ALL of their Teeth.

That’s in the neighborhood of 420,000 people (There shouldn’t be that many in the Entire Country).


Yep, we’re a Proud “Red State,” where “Values, Morality, and Toothlessness,” Reign Supreme.

I have to go now, my Marlboro caught my Horse Hair Hat on Fire (I knew I shouldn’t have lined it with Coal).

Luckily, I have this glass of Wild Turkey handy to put it out.


~ by fairlane on May 3, 2008.

17 Responses to “My Old Kentucky Home”

  1. “Euthanize the Owner, the Jockey, and all the People who bet on the horse, as well?”

    I’m liking this idea.

    The thing about Kentucky’s missing teeth is just sad. Did you read about the 14 y.o. who lost hers from MALNUTRITION? What kind of country is this, anyway?

  2. I feel ill.

  3. Don’t forget bluegrass. Not the music, the lawn.

    haha, I crack myself up.


    Tengrain (who only has flown over Kentucky and intends to keep it that way.)

  4. This has got to be one of my favorite Fairlane posts ever. It might have something to do with the fact that I grew up across the Ohio River from Rabbit Hash, Kentucky. It might be because we were so pitiful that we had to go to Florence, Kentucky for culture in the form of a mall and the theatre (pronounced THEEEE-ATE-er). It might be because we grew up looking down on Kentuckians because we were such high-fallutin’ Hoosiers or it may be because I come from people who spent a generation or two in, yep, Kentucky. Hazzard County, Kentucky no less.

    Keep that Wild Turkey handy, love. I hear it’s great for blue balls, too.

  5. I’m glad someone did a post about that poor horse, and really glad it was you seein’ how you related it to your homies there in the Kentuck. That is the most assinine thing I have ever heard of to kill a horse because it’s ankles are broken (yes, and the how’s make it all the worse) and right there in front of everyone. That’s disgusting. Put some casts on it, sedate it and lay it on it’s back for a couple months… or something. Have people carry it around in a cart. How about that.

  6. Fuck yeah. I agree with Formerly Dcup. One of your best posts and certainly one of your best ideas.

  7. I always thought Mr. Ed should have won the Kentucky Derby. Once in the winners circle he could have told all those horses’ asses just what he and the other proud beasts thought about breeding his relations to be so light boned they can’t wear normal shoes. Then all the horses could run in and kick all the racing enthusiasts in the teeth. Is that what happened to their teeth?

  8. you forgot about Senator Jim Bunning — his contribution to the lunacy of this country is nothing short of stunning

  9. Dayyyyuuuummm…quit makin funny

  10. Scarlet- It’s a combination of many factors. As you know, from living in MO., people are resistant to change.

    In parts of KY, losing one’s teeth is considered “Natural,” and a part of “Aging.”

    We’re broke, and the only idea for increasing revenue is, the lure of Casino Gambling.
    In other words, a Fucking Gimmick that continues to feed on the poor. Forget trying to produce something worthwhile, or, gasp, thinking about at least joining the 20th Century.


    Louisville has approximately 25% of the population, yet, we pay around 40% of the taxes.

    Much of the state is a Wasteland, and I get the impression they (Politicians, and the residents) like it that way .

    The coolest part, the poorest areas are from where the support for Chimpy stems, and they’re the reason he carried KY in 2000, and 2004.

    At least they got that cut in Dividends Tax.

    Fucking Imbeciles!!

    Fran- You too?

    Ten- Parts of KY are beautiful, but politically, socially, economically we haven’t progressed in decades.

    BFKA DCup- What in the hell is a “Hoosier” anyway?

    Freida- The horses are so fragile, they’re often unable to continue living after breaking their legs, ankles, etc.

    It’s all part of the “Spectacle of the Sport.”

    Suzi- This is one of my best posts?

    DCap- Bunning is senile.

    Not only did I forget him, he’s forgotten as well.

    Dave- I’m getting close to doing just that.

  11. I just drove by a local track here where they train horses w/carts tied to them and a man in it. There was the poor horse running in circles and I said to my daughter “Look at that poor horse being forced to run in circles.” Yeah it is “f’d” up for sure.

  12. fairlane: Yes. It’s short, concise, and sharp. But your euthanasia idea makes it brilliant. That’s what I think, so deal. 🙂

  13. excellent. of course, horse racing will never go away. too much $$$$. and the seedy side of racing will will never hit mainstream meadia for the same reason. but if you think horse racing is sleasy, check this only a short step above cock-fighting.

  14. What wrong with Hispanic midgets. Would you rather Ned Beatty on those horses? Come to think of it, that would pretty damn funny.

  15. Fairlane – I’ve never figured out the Hoosier thing, but I had a cousin from Kentucky who explained that it stemmed from people from Indiana always asking each other “who’s yer father?” and no one ever getting a straight answer.

  16. Great post, Fairlane. Sad about the lack of good nutrition/dental care leading to toothlessness. Things are just so fucked up.

  17. Mary- I haven’t watched the Derby in at least a decade. That’s one of the Seven Deadly Sins here in Kentucky.

    Suzi- Thanks Buttercup 😉

    Okjimm- Yeah, there’s a ton of money at stake, and I’m not sure what else I can say. It’s not like the Mayor calls me up asking for my opinion.

    I just don’t get the appeal of horse racing, or gambling.

    Sparty- Ned Beatty would kill one of those horses. He ballooned.

    Now that I think about it, I think he’s dead, which would add an entirely different dimension to the “Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports.”

    DCup- I’ve heard that joke. I always think it’s funny when Hoosiers make fun of Kentuckians. That state is every bit as backwater.

    Pissed- What makes it even sadder is, a large part of the state resists any modernization. It’s considered a part of life to lose your teeth.

    The other day, in the local Independent Paper, a reader suggested that Louisville should secede from Kentucky since everyone else in the state hates us anyway. Except of course when the General Assembly convenes, and then they love us because they want our money.

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