“Average Joe” Vows Not To Work Too Hard…

Per our Beloved DCup’s request, I’m re-posting this Classic from the Jonestown National Archives. Although she hasn’t posted here in some time, DCup was the first member of our Super Team, and we Love Her.

Your wish is, My Command-

”I belong to the blank generation and I can take it or leave it each time. I belong to the ______ generation but I can take it or leave it each time.”
(Richard Hell)

In the movie “The Incredibles“, there is a great scene where “Dash” is arguing with his mother “Elastigirl” about running track. (If you’ve never seen the movie, I suggest you do so). Dash and the other members of his family are ”Supers”, and Dash possesses the ability to run at incredible speeds. But because the Supers were forced into hiding by “mainstream” society they are not allowed to use their superpowers.

He and his mother go back and forth about how “it’s not fair”, and “Now Dash, you know you can’t use your powers.” Finally Dash says his “special” power is going to waste. His mother responds with the favorite mantra of the Politically Smarmy throughout the world, ”Everybody’s special Dash.”

I’ll admit, I was about to turn off the bloody television. “Everyone’s Special? Puke!” But just as I’m reaching for the remote, Dash saves the day, “That’s the same thing as saying no one is.” Damn Right! Everyone is not “Special”. I’m sorry to inform those of you who were counting on this falsehood, but it’s Balderdash. Sure, everyone’s life has value and all people deserve respect, but all people are not “Special”, unless by “Special” you also mean “Don’t pay attention to Johnny…(whispered) he’s special.”

Of course, Dash ends up losing the battle succumbing to the Juggernaut known as “Mediocrity”. Even a Super must bow before the might of “Average Joe”. Yep, good old “Average Joe”. I’m surprised his likeness doesn’t grace the walls of every classroom in this country. Wait, I guess it does, they hang pictures of the President in classrooms don’t they?

I remember in 2000, this “Joe” was telling me how Bush was the kind of guy you’d throw back a couple of “cold ones” with at the local bar. Nothing makes a man more “Presidential” than that. When considering a candidate to lead the most powerful nation in human history, how he handles pressure, his knowledge, his values etc etc are important, I guess. But what I really want to know is, “Will this guy come down to Bud’s Place and throw back a couple of cold ones”, because nothing says “I have what it takes” like alcoholism.

You know, “Average Joe” is a great, well not great, maybe pretty good guy. You sit next to him at the bar and talk about the Phoenix Suns or what a “dumbass” his boss is. He’s a fairly adequate conversationalist and at times he’s funny and even charming. “Average Joe” is right where he belongs, on a bar-stool talking about sports and Pamela Anderson’s nipples. He doesn’t belong in the White House. Nor does he belong in our classrooms handing out homework, or in the Corner Office managing other people.

At my last “real” job, my Boss came out to the lab to smoke one afternoon. (Something he did 20-25 times a day despite the fact he held a two hour meeting telling us we need to “stop wasting time being unproductive”). It was lunchtime and I was working on a crossword puzzle. Looking over my shoulder he remarked, “You must be a genius.” Well, yes I am, thank you very much. But it has nothing to do with Crossword Puzzles. “Boy, the standards for being a genius sure ain’t what they used to be.”

Did you know that about ten years ago they actually considered lowering the “Genius Score” on I.Q. tests by 10 points because not enough Americans were testing at the Genius Level? Can you imagine? “This is my son Carl, he’s a genius. Here’s his test proving it. Pay no attention to that asterisk. He’s the Barry Bonds of geniuses.”

Hell, why stop there, let’s lower all the scores. Not enough people are testing out as “Somewhere between Sheep Dog and Marmoset”.

To appease the parents of ”Average” children, the Truly Gifted children are being forced to stifle themselves. “You don’t want to show off. It might hurt someone’s feelings. And you don’t want to ‘Stand Out’ because that’s not normal. Here’s some Crayons, now go color with the other boys and girls.” But it’s not just the parents. It’s the Politicians from Both Parties, the very people who set many of these Insipid Policies. “No Child Left Behind”? Is that the sequel to “My Left Foot“?

I’m sorry, but Scantron Tests are a joke. “Memorize this nonsense, the Government is testing us next month.” Monkeys Can Memorize! And how does knowing what happened on June 12, 1932 help you function in this world, much less get a job? (By the way, Němec Bohumil was born on that day).

You have mealy mouthed, club footed trolls on both sides of the aisle racing to see who can dive into the shallow end of the pool first. “Don’t Offend Anyone, That’s Not Nice.” “Reverse Racism!” It’s like watching Shemp argue with Curly. “I’m the dumbest”, “Oh, no you’re not buddy, watch this!”

Why not simply ban education altogether? Liberals have ruined Primary Education with their, “Every Child is Sacred, Every Child is Grand”, and then you have Right Wing Claptrap’s telling their Moonie Followers, “Colleges are the Breeding Grounds for Commies”. (But you sure as Hell can bet they’re sending their kids to “Karl Marx University” as soon as they’re old enough).

And what about the Media?

I know I’m not the first to ask this question, nor will I be the last, but can someone please, please tell me why in the Fuck is Paris Hilton famous? Anyone?

Most people’s first response is to say, “Well she’s a ‘Socialite’ and her family is rich.” Yeah, that’s true. My grandfather was rich, how many of you know who he is?

carlos.jpgOh, he wasn’t that “kind” of rich. Okay. Who is this man? How many people know? Be honest.

This is Carlos Slim Helu Aglamaz. Does that clear it up? No? Well,Carlo is a mogul in the Latin American telecommunications industry, and currently Sr. Aglamaz is the wealthiest man in the world. Huh? Yep, he passed old Billy Gates and may actually be worth up to $9 Billion more than Mr. Microsoft.

If wealth is what makes people “famous” shouldn’t he be at least as famous as Paris Hilton? She’s only worth a lousy few hundred million dollars. Chump change to a man like Don Carlo.

No, Paris Hilton is not famous because she’s rich. She’s famous because dumbshits made/make her famous by watching her on television, by buying her album or buying magazines so they can read about her extraordinarily mundane life. (You don’t have to be rich to be illiterate or drunk).

What does Paris Hilton teach our children? “You don’t have to know jack about shit. You don’t need any skills or training. Hell, you don’t even have to know how to write your own fucking name. All you need is the body of a Praying Mantis (having its mental capacity doesn’t hurt either), and the willingness to display your Camel Toe whenever possible. (The one thing you can say about Paris is she’s taken Vapidity to levels once thought unobtainable by mere mortals. I can only imagine what wonder of genetics will be the Heiress to Paris’ Throne. Will she have all of her Chromosomes?)

Some might say, “You’re an ‘Elitist’!” Maybe they’re right. If being an “Elitist” means I’m not a big fan of “Run, Run as Fast as You Can, As Long As It’s Not Too Fast”, then you’re Damn Skippy I am.

We are stifling our children. Voluntarily stifling them. The irony in all this is that supposedly much of it is to “Encourage Kids and to Build Self-Esteem.” Bullshit.

How does it build a kid’s self-esteem to tell him/her that “Everyone is Special?” They’re not stupid. “What about Timmy who sits in the back of class eating his boogers?” “No, Timmy is just as special as you are.” “Well, I must not be that special then because Timmy is a Damn moron.”

Our “Good Intentions” are having the Opposite Effect. We are raising a Generation of Kids with no problem solving skills who are unable to think for themselves. We are raising children who can’t function unless an Authority Figure is Doting over their every “Accomplishment” no matter how inane. “Great Job Billy! You tied your shoes this morning! Golly gee I’m so Proud!” He’s 15 Years Old. If He Can’t Tie His Shoes By Now He’s Fucked! It’s so damn condescending.

When children lack confidence, they smother themselves even after their “Role Models” have stopped.

Self-esteem is built from accomplishment not from incessant praise. Incessant praise creates sociopaths who think they are “Entitled”, Paris Hilton ring a bell? Or it creates kids with a Complex.

If a kid is praised every time he/she takes a leak in the toilet instead of on the floor, he/she starts to wonder, “I must be some kind of retard. They still act surprised that I didn’t piss on the walls.”

Here’s the painful truth. Some people are more intelligent/talented than others. That doesn’t mean their life has more worth, but it does mean they have more POTENTIAL. (I don’t want “Average Joe” designing the safety features on the car that my daughter rides in or on the Plane we fly to California. I want a Fucking Engineering Genius).

If we want our kids to develop “Self-Esteem” we should encourage them to take risks. To not be afraid of failure or of “Standing Out.” They need to learn that failure is a part of life, and that for most of their life the only one who’s going to pick them up off their asses is…Them. And we need to encourage them if they truly have “Special” abilities. (Unless it’s Booger Eating).

isabella3.jpgI know some twit is going to read this and say, “Why don’t you just force your 3 year old daughter to get a job and support herself.” I already tried, but apparently it’s against the law. And I have to admit I love it when she says, “Blanklet”, and for now that’s enough to keep her around.

Reasonable people understand what I’m saying. I love children. I spent a large chunk of my life working with their annoying asses. I’m not saying Timmy in the back of class should be told he’s a “Booger Eating Freak” or that kids don’t need Praise. Of course they do, but we’ve taken it Too Far. (As we do with just about everything).

Extraordinary people are the ones who lead Societies and Cultures to new and exciting places. They are the ones who create the Art, Literature, Music we admire and enjoy. They are the ones who cure diseases, and build Rocket Ships.

Extraordinary people are the ones who join societies together to fight injustice and to enact changes.

At this moment we have an “Average Joe” running the show, and he’s Fucking Shit up. What more Proof do you need?


~ by fairlane on May 6, 2008.

22 Responses to ““Average Joe” Vows Not To Work Too Hard…”

  1. Well done and enuff said about :

    Mr. Peter Principle hisself……..; (

  2. Dman well said. I agree with everythign you said, but you left a few points out:

    Everybody’s a winner? My little girl played basketball at the Y a few years ago- not for points, because they didn’t want to teach the kids about winning or losing.

    How stupid is that. Newsflash: everybody can’t win. I personally think the “everybody’s a winner” philosophy was invented by a bunch of wannabe policitians who couldn’t get elected and were trying to soothe their bruised egos.

    Spanking is wrong. Who the hell says so? How many people, scratch that- parents- actually say this? I mean, mankind has been around for thousands of years, and so have spankings. Then in the 20th century, we start preaching no spankings, and we get serial killers and child molesters. Coincidence? I think not.

    As for the Prez- he is definitely el average joe-o. I was severely pissed the dumbocrats didn’t give the primary to General Wesley Clark. Hey, the guy may have had som lib tendencies, but you don’t get to be a general unless you know what you’re doing: either strategically or ass-kissing. And an asskisser in the White House would still be good- ass kissing is a form of diplomacy.

    Instead the dumbocrats put in these arrogant pricks who think they’re smarter than they are. Folks like that are more annoying than the average Joes that belch and fart and scratch their asses without a care in the world.

    So yeah, if it comes to down to Average Joe vs. Illusions-of-Grandeur, I’ll pick Average Joe everytime. But why in the hell do I have to pick between just those two.

  3. Amen, Pastor Fairlane!

  4. Damn straight, Fairlane! That divine spark, William Heard Kilpatrick mentality has really gotten its tentacles into every nook and cranny of the “educational” machinery. Like a stage 4 malignant tumor, it’s inoperable and its growth can’t be stopped. It is now self perpetuating. In our zeal to preserve the “esteem” of children and the PC generation, we are sealing the fate of future generations in the passionate embrace mediocrity. Aaaaaah the bane of modern liberalism and the savior of neoconservativism. May they collide and mutually annihilate one another, like so many subatomic particles.

  5. Hell Boris it’s not just the classrooms, it’s everywhere.

    Look at so-called “Journalism.”

    They need me on the Nightly News.

    “Look asshole, do you think I’m fucking stupid? You need to quit lying and answer my question or I’m going to smack you in the Damn mouth!”

    Instead we get a bunch of Corporate Hack automatons.

    We get, “So Mr. Such and Such if you win the Miss Amer…I mean Presidency, do you plan on discussing whether or not men should urinate while sitting?”

    “You know Ted, I’m really glad you asked me that. I don’t think we talk enough about the benefits of pissing while sitting. There are numerous benefits, unless of course you actually have a dick and then it hangs in the toilet water, but as you can tell nary a one of us has any balls…Ha ha ha ha.”

    Where’s Ed Murrow when you need him?


  6. i like the nightly news. it has just enough info for me and the rest of the retarded u.s. to maintain a baseline brainwave of thinking… just enough to not be considered clinically dead. it also provides that maintenance dose of fear of ‘terror’ and ‘evil’ to keep me retarded. lovely stuff. it’s almost like dash, as you mentioned, most of the u.s. is special… they are fkn clueless about anything but their ass…. that and their cellphones and star*ucks. sad thing, we instill this isht to our children and covertly institutionalize them. but, this happens in most extreme countries. did i say we were extreme? oh damn.

  7. I believe I have already stated my opinion, “the world needs ditch diggers and Infantry Men too”.
    For me the saddest part is realizing how many children suffer through hours of repeating crap daily because ‘Timmy’ doesn’t care to keep up with the class but the School District insists that everyone else stay at his level to accommodate ‘Timmy’s’ needs.
    What a crock!! Liberate our children from the bonds of mediocrity.

  8. [applause and cheers]

    Bravo, Sir Fairlane!

  9. This is nice work, Fairlane, well done.

    I’m not a big fan of spoon feeding pabulum to anyone, even kids. The world generally works as a win-lose proposition. What I think is the most important thing for everyone to learn is how to lose gracefully, and how to win gracefully.

    Those skills are being lost.



  10. Hmm. I love the Fairlane. Everybody knows that. But I have some differences with the kid portion of this where you don’t want people knowing they are special. Then you went and made the famous “Booger-eatin’ Freak” distinction/clarification and I was back on your side. What isn’t taught well by “everybody is special” is empathy. You need to know how to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. However, if those shoes are filled by someone who has killed for sport, etc., the result may be that you have an understanding of how to get to someone earlier to find a way to create change or at least to watch for their need to be civilly committed and not have the following interviewee response, “He was a quiet fellow. I’m quite surprised he did this.”

    I think the worst part of the Average Guy phenomenon is that we forget that as human beings we are supposed to keep ourselves honest and work toward being something better than we are now. Some values that would help us maintain that focus are: Make decisions based on the welfare of the next seven generations; Harming others is wrong, but standing in harm’s way over and over and not taking care of yourself is also wrong; What you don’t know, CAN hurt you; Consider the source, but when a good idea, piece of art, philosophy, comes along, don’t worry about the color of the idea or the language it comes in.

    I wish I could think of others. They’d be good to collect, wouldn’t they?

  11. RP, I’m calling you “RP” from now on by the way because it’s easier, I understand what you’re saying about “Compassion” and teaching kids to “think ahead.”

    But they’re not teaching kids to “Think” at all. They’re teaching them to memorize for tests, and two weeks later they can’t remember 90% of it.

    All children are not the same. But we treat them like they are and that doesn’t bode well for our future.

    I was watching a show on PBS about a year ago that discussed this very issue. They had business owners and managers talking about the 20 somethings.

    Can’t problem solve, need constant supervision and encouragement, are easily discouraged and confused (unless assignments are laid out in their entirety they have no idea what to do), cannot improvise/adapt, can’t handle pressure or stress etc etc etc.

    That is not healthy.

    Life is hard, and that’s simply the truth. You have to be strong and confident to survive. Whether it’s fair or not is another matter. That’s how it is at this point.

    You have to be able to count on yourself first and foremost, and I think that is mistaken for something negative when in fact it’s not.

    If a kid trusts in themselves and their abilities, whether someone is there to congratulate them or not, that’s a good indicator of a “healthy” person.

    We learn most through our failures, and kids are being taught there’s no such thing. But the real world is filled with failure and disappointment. If they can’t handle it how will they grow, how will they survive?

    How many successful people simply walked out the door and “Blam” here’s your recording contract or here’s a check for that book you’re writing or whatever? To pursue your dreams you have to be willing, or at least be able to handle, getting kicked in the teeth a couple of times.

  12. I’m glad you reposted this. It’s a race to the bottom!

  13. Clarification – not this post. It’s not a race to the bottom but the way this country of ours is going.

  14. SOME monkeys might be able to memorize. MORONIC monkeys can’t wipe their own asses. And we saw fit to throw one enough votes to get him into the Oval Office.

    Heckuva job, Americans.

  15. Great post Fairlane. I might add one small caveat: our children are being harmed by the toxic environment and the damage to our children is at the molecular level. That is to say, the soup of chemicals we eat, drink and bathe in is slowly frying our brains. The youngest amoungst us suffer more for the contamination of the environment because of smaller body weight and still developing cognitive systems. These systems are harmed from conception and have a far greater impact than any multinational biochemical corporation will admit. Some of the effects of this contamination include small attention span, inability to attend to the environment, hyperactivity, memory problems, an increased risk of cancer and other health problems such as asthma or allergies. It’s hard to compete with the EU when our children are growing up brain damaged and with increaed health risks due to living in an unprotected and polluted environment. Otherwise, right on dude!

  16. Glad you reposted this since I missed it the first time.. I was too young to visit.

  17. I am fucking special dammit, I am. In fact, I’m more specialer than you. I have specialism coming out of my ass. Or the beans I had for lunch.

    I tell my kids that all the time, that they are special, but that they’ll fuck up and sometimes get the short end of the stick. It happens. Deal, and move on to whatever you plan on doing next, solving the global warming problem, another fabulous piece of art, invading a sovereign nation or what have you.

  18. But they’re not teaching kids to “Think” at all. They’re teaching them to memorize for tests, and two weeks later they can’t remember 90% of it.

    There are divergent views in education. On the one hand, you have the test-obsessed, and on the other, you have people who try to apply Gardner’s Multiple Intelligences theory. Well, some of us try to reconcile the two because not to is doing the kids a disservice. I see a lot of people doing the latter, actually. We need more of that. We don’t all learn one way, in one style, etc.

    I’m specialer than Randal.

  19. Only ’cause you ain’t goin’ bald. And the forcing of everyone into the same round hole continues unabated. I don’t know how you teachers do it. Oh yeah, booze.

  20. DCup- I took that as a compliment thinking you meant the post was such a great read it felt like you raced through it.


    Jolly- Not just once, but TWICE.

    Scarlet- I’m not so sure. From what I hear, Randal is pretty special.

    Randal- Breakfast beer to be more precise.

  21. I’m down with Montessori education myself. Teach the ditchdigger to dig a good ditch. In others words we have gotten away from letting children find what they are good at.
    Everyone has a unique, dare I say, ‘special’ role in this world.
    The cream always rises to the top but you have to open the beer or soda or sparkling water….

  22. I believe our childern are bing tot to be MEALY-MOUTHED too our suns were tot in defernt schools allover parts of Washington state. they now can’t even tye thier shoes right, or make eny kined of decision on thier own. They have little to no problem solving capabilitys. When presented with a problem like walking the dog. they can’t think of finedding the lesh on thie own. or shutting the door when its could out side. they like only two things. Star Was and naroto. If they play out side it a form of that,book read,lago, making up storys and art. all have Sar Wars or Noroto in it. it’s like thier very mined have been wipe clean or never has benn inpooted with eny ting but that. when you try to show or tell them eny thing difernt you just get blank stary. Your not sure if they even here you at times. or they just figit the hole time your talking to them. I know thier not stupid. my kid’s are 11 and 13 years of age. Money do’s not float thier bout ether. So you can’t get them to get grade up or do thier chores at home. Is a morning yelling mach just to get them up in the morning. they don’t know what to put on. they were the same school cloething every day what so had about not know what to put on. Just put on what you were yesterday I tell them every morning. you ask hwo turn is it to take the dog out? youget back I don’t know. You ask who took him out yesterday her come that blank stary agen.

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