I Fought the Law, and All I Got Was a Bucket of KFC

I thought since we were having such a lively discussion about our “Justice System,” I’d repost an experience I had with the Louisville Police some years ago.

The entire Police Persona is based on Fear, as opposed to Respect. You hear all the time, “Respect the Police.” But what they really mean is,

“Fear them.”

Many years ago, my sister and I were coming home from one of the Malls here in Louisville. As we were approaching a red light, a car in the far right lane cut across in front of us, and then proceeded to cut off traffic in the opposing lanes in order to pull into KFC’s parking lot. (Apparently KFC chicken is so fucking delicious, it’s worth killing people to get a bucket of it).

I laid on my horn as this fat asshole (White dude by the way) comes within inches of ripping the front end of my car off, but to no avail. He had to have some chicken, and Right Fucking Now!

My sister and I sit there for a second, “Holy shit, what a dumb Mother Fucker” etc etc, and then our light turns green, and we move on with our day.

As we approach the next light, a Cop pulls beside us and rolls down his window. I’m assuming he’s going to say, “Hey you okay?” or “We never run out of Assholes do we?” you know something along those lines, but no. He starts cursing at me.

“Don’t you ever use your Fucking horn like that around me again. You got it?”

Needless to say I was a little shocked being a bit loopy from the Adrenaline after our near crash, and now I’m being cursed at by one of “Louisville’s Finest.”

I tried to explain what happened, but he’s not hearing it.

“I don’t give a shit! Don’t you ever fucking beep your horn like that!”

(Before I proceed, I want to explain something. My complexion is a little darker than the Average Cracker’s, and I have Jet Black hair. When this incident occurred it was the Middle of Summer so I was even darker than usual. I also, before my hair filed for divorce, had hair down past my shoulders in a Ponytail, and I had a Goatee. In other words, I didn’t look like a Cracker so much. This comes into play in a few minutes).

Our light turns green, and not knowing what to do, I pull away. Well, apparently Johnny didn’t like that too much, and he swooped in behind me like one of those planes you see engaged in a dogfight. I mean he was inches from my bumper. And…

He turns on his lights and siren.

He’s pulling me over!

My sister and I are in a state of disbelief. First, we are almost killed by a man obviously going through some kind of Chicken withdrawal, and now we’re being pulled over because I had the audacity to beep my horn at said Junkie.

Again, let me reiterate. I beeped my horn at someone. The gadget made specifically for “Blowing” when a dumbshit is about to hit and potentially kill you and your sister.

I was not sitting at the light Chiefin’ a Blunt, or scratching my nose with my Glock 17.

I Beeped my horn, and it was a “Beep” as I only drive Hondas. C#, I believe.

He stops his car 3 0r 4 car lengths behind us, and gets out, but he only comes forward 10 feet before he orders me to,

“Get out of the Car!” (His hand is on his gun).

Despite rumors to the contrary, my experience with Law Enforcement is minimal at best, and I’m fairly scared at this point. This dude is holding his hand on his gun like he’s ready to draw it, and pop a cap in my ass. (The Louisville Police are notorious for having Itchy Trigger Fingers).

I get out. He orders me to “Back up” toward him, and when I get close enough he shoves me against the back of my car. (Remember dear reader, I blew my horn).

“Do you have any guns?” he asks.

“Uh, no.”

“Is this your car?”


“What about drugs, you have any drugs in the car?”

(Oh that ADD addled mind of mine, it wants so badly to answer, but Thank God I’m able to suppress it).

“No sir,” I answer instead of God knows what.

He pushes me again for good measure because my feet moved an inch, and apparently I stepped out of the “Safety Zone.”

“You don’t fucking move, you hear me?”

“Yes, sir.”

“So this is your car?”

“No Mother Fucker, this is the car of my latest victim’s. You see, I’m a Serial Killer, and I like to bring my sister along so she can watch me chop off people’s heads, and then Skull Fuck them. If you look in the back seat you’ll see my instruments of Death, but you’ll have to move the 5 Kilos of Smack and the human body parts first.”

(Thank God for Self-Restraint in times of danger)

“Yes sir, this is my car. I have the Registration and Title in my glovebox.”

At this point, my sister, impersonating a complete idiot, gets out of the car. Oh, shit.

He moves quickly to her side of the car, gun ready to come out of holster.

“Get the Fuck back in the car!”

“But Sir, we weren’t doing anything wrong that…”

“Shut the Fuck up and get back in the car or your Ass is going to jail!”

She complies, and we are reprieved for a few more minutes until he finds the Human Heads, and Horse, of course.

“Get your Insurance card, your Registration and your Title.”


I walk to my door and he follows at a strategic angle so he can draw a bead on me if I try anything Flaky.

I hand him my “Papers.”

“Here you go Comrade.”

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Uh, because you’re a Cock Sucker?”

“You know I could arrest you for being a Public Nuisance?”

“But Sir that car almost…”

“I don’t give a Shit. You don’t ever Fucking beep your horn like that. You understand?”

“Sir, that car almost tore the front…”

“I don’t give a Fuck what that car almost did. Did you hear me? I could lock your ass up right now. Do you want to go to Jail?”

“Oh Please, Please can I? Golly Gee I always wanted to go to the Hoosegow. The thought of getting Ass Raped sounds Sweet. Maybe you could come visit me now and again. You Tiny Cock having Mother Fucker!”

“No sir.”

“Alright José, let me see your license.”

“I know you didn’t just call me José. I’m hearing things right? Tell me I’m hearing things Güero. What, you think I’m a Cholo or something Holmes? ¡Puta la huevada huevón! ¡A ponemos chancla, bolillo!”

“Yes, sir.”

Now watch this.

“This where you live?”

“Yes sir.”

“You live in the ______?”

¿Si ya sábanas, paquetes hilo?

“Yes sir.”

“Okay, you need to be more careful. There’s no need to lay on your horn like that. Understand?”

“¡chupame la pija, chocho!”

“Yes sir.”

“Okay, have a nice day.”

What the FUCK?!!

I book home because I need to talk to my Mommy. Mommy is friend’s with a Police Captain, and I’m filing a complaint against Needle Dick Mc Copper.

She contacts here friend, who just happens to work at the same Sub-Station as Johnny Mc TinyCock, and this is, in essence, what he tells her;

Your son is lucky it didn’t get worse than it did. It sounds like the Officer was having a bad day, and your son should be grateful he wasn’t arrested or Lord knows what.

If I were him I would not file a complaint as the Offending Officer could easily find out, and then your son might be targeted.

That is what a Fucking Captain of the Fucking Police said!

Don’t file a complaint.

Be grateful you weren’t murked.

He was having a “bad day.”

You could be targeted if you complain.

I know, I know, he’s just one Cop, and hardly is Representative of the entire sample. But you know what? I don’t give a Fuck!

How are we supposed to know? They don’t put little Frowny Faces on their Badges or on the sides of their cars to inform the World,

“Hey Everyone, I’m a complete Fucking Prick, and I’m not very good at my Job! Stay Clear!”

No. All their cars look the same, and so do all the Police Officers. They all wear Uniforms made from old Potato bags, and Blue No. 1, and they all carry Guns.

I couldn’t help wondering,

“What if I was a Cholo? What if I lived Downtown in one of the ‘un-desirable’ neighborhoods? Would I be in jail right now? Or worse?”

In the past several years, the Louisville Police Department (LPD) has been involved in several “Questionable Deaths.”

Michael Newby was shot in the back while fleeing Police, James Taylor was shot while handcuffed, Robert Whitlow shot and killed after SWAT exploded two “flash bang grenades” in his home deafening him so he could not hear their commands, Desmond Rudolf shot 10 times while seated (Unarmed) in his SUV that was crashed into a telephone pole. The suspects were black. In all cases, the Police were either not charged or found “Not Guilty. (There are more cases, at least ten, but I cannot find links for them).

I fully understand the need for Authority. But the line separating Authority Figure and Fucking Tyrant is extremely thin, and that boundary is being pushed from all sides whether it’s by the Police or by our Government.

Respect for Authority does not, nor should it ever, mean Subjugation.

When we tolerate abuses of Power because it only happens to “Them” or to “Criminals” we are spitting in the face of the “Freedom” we supposedly hold so dear. We are also being tremendously naive.

If “it” can happen to “them”, “it” can happen to You.


~ by fairlane on May 13, 2008.

23 Responses to “I Fought the Law, and All I Got Was a Bucket of KFC”

  1. Wow! Fairlane, that was one great read. Thank you for the reminder at the end. As if we will ever forget this dive into fascism, this lawlessness at the hands of the “Justice” system. This “homeland” (if only I spoke German) security, this global war of terrorism (oh did I say that, I meant, of course “on” terrorism). This uniquely American invention, “Islamo-fascism,” the “do not fly” list, which I’m sure I’m on and so, fly no more. Now I feel so safe I’m afraid to leave my house, as I’m a notorious big mouth and am liable to get my ass capped every time I take to the road.

  2. And I forgot to say, suspiciously swarthy myself.

  3. “It” happens all the time. I’ve got stories! From actual cops who are as appalled as we are.

    And yeah, complaining is a bad, bad idea.

  4. Oh, Wow!! I will never, never, never go to Louisville for chicken!! Never! Milwaukee for a bratwurst is as dangerous as I will get!


  5. Fairlane – great post about your experiences. I’ve known cops to be as you described and I’ve known cops to be the complete opposite in similar situations. Moreover, it’s not just “civilians” who get the once-over treatment, but sometimes cops get it, too. A few months back when the Jena 6 nonsense was going on in Louisiana, the (black) Hempstead (NY) police chief was greeted one morning with a noose in his locker.

    More recently, the NYPD’s highest ranking uniformed officer, Chief Douglas Zeigler, was harassed by two white cops for being parked near a hydrant. They still went at him even after he showed his badge and ID.

    Full disclosure. I am friends with several cops, all of them nice guys who I trust do “the job” in an ethical, professional manner. But you’re right in saying that all that isn’t worth a hill of fucking frijoles, when one cop acts like an asshole. You can’t call yourself a professional and not “police” your own.

  6. my bad cop experience meter only goes back five years at a a time.
    you have dredged up some more memories. i have always had a adversarial relationship with law enforcement.
    the irony is i wanted to be a cop as a kid, you know, serve and protect.
    Things have changed since then . there are more minority officers which helps to a degree. The typical overaggressive behavior is reserved for brothas that fit profiles. and beleive me they get tired of that too. i have head more advocates for legalizing drugs in law enforcement than anywhere else.They know its a hustle, a trap. at least black cops do. Violence is what they are looking for now. you won’t see a black cop slamming an old lady to the ground during a traffic stop. you won’t see a black cop joking around with a klan outfit.
    A lot of people forget its just a job not an adventure.

  7. i saw a report on tv a few weeks ago that cops fully armed with ak47’s are being randomly deployed throughout the nyc subway system. i meant to post something on my blog about it, because, well, it seemed to be something “of note.” however, that old mental block kicked in. anyway, my point being that even though someone “might” make the argument that “homeland security” requires this extreme level of “enforcement,” what happens when it spreads throughout the country and guys like your insane “no beep” cop truly mistakes you (or someone else) as a narco-terrorist and blows them away?

    oh, that’s already happened?

    never mind.

    hilarious story, by the way.

  8. Yesterday while I was at work a new police car I’ve never seen before was stopped behind my parked car and writing something down, maybe my plate number. He is in the middle of the road, mind you, doing this. I happen to catch this as I was looking out the window. I rap on the glass to get his attention. WTF is he doing? I leave the building to go out to talk to him but he has already pulled away. This isn’t the first time I have had creepy things happen to me at work. One time back in 2006, the day before Bush was to show up for some stupid appearance, I was being videotaped (VIDEOTAPED!!!) by someone in a dark maroon car which sped away when I went out to confront them. I must be some big bad assed left pinky commie lover to be treated this way. Fuckers!

  9. I heard you shot the sheriff, but you did not shoot the deputy.

    I hate this sort of story. I remember when you posted it the first time. Maybe it’s because I grew up in Oakland, but I am really sensitive to profiling.

    I remember driving in the south with some black friends when I was in college, and in one instance (FL? GA?) we were escorted to the county line and instructed to not come back.



  10. fairlane, that KFC will kill you quicker than a crooked cop, you know?

  11. I see how you would be upset about this, but you seem to hold on to your anger for a long time. I had a run in with a State Trooper once, but let it go right away. It just wasn’t worth the high blood pressure.

  12. Scary story.

    Fortunately for me, all of my encounters with the law have been good. I must’ve caught them all on good days. Then again, I’ve never been to L-ville.

  13. I remember a Rhode Island news story about a group of officers surrounding a car and one of them got nervous when the driver reached for the glove compartment. Two of them wound up shooting and wounding each other through the open windows. They let the driver go and I imagine his first stop was the nearest rest room so he could clean himself up.

  14. What a great (and highly entertaining- “Chiefin’ a Blunt”) post. It’s a completely f’d up situation. No better than a third world country sometimes the way you can be made to feel that you have no recourse.

  15. All I can say is, when you’re out driving, do your best not to look like a minority. For those of you who are minorities, maybe get a driver?

  16. Holy crap. I still think that anyone who wants to be a law enforcement officer should not be allowed to take the job. There are exceptions, of course.

  17. Yes, KFC IS that good.

    Good thing I look pretty cracker-y in an unshaven, slimeball kind of way.

  18. Mmmmm. KFC, Blunts and skull fucking all in one fell swoop. Mahvellous.

    And for some inexplicable reason, I now want to be rolled in crackers and deep fried. Weird, but true.

  19. Also noteworthy……Decent Cops. In a former life….I was a Cab Driver. It paid tution. And provided an education not available in regular course curriculm.

    I met a lot of Cops-On-the-Beat. Most were concerned with just keeping things safe. Protection. Helping out. (and occasional free rides when it was really fucking cold). I heard a lot of stories of subduing drunks, arresting women beaters, finding run-a-way children, administering first aid. Of handling human garbage and getting injured for their trouble. Wrenched knees, bashed faces. Dealing with administration bullshit.

    I am not being an apologist…I had my spooky moment with the GA State Patrol….but there are really decent Cops out on the streets…..too many of them leave the job because it becomes too much and some that started out decent….well, the job kinda twisted them. My ex worked in a DOC facility as a teacher….it is not the kind of job you can just ‘leave’ at work. It leaks into you and sometimes, the things you discover of humanity on the job…..you can never get rid of. Eats at you.

    I think this Post is well spoken…..but you always have to think of the man, too. The man that has to go to someone’s door and tell a parent that both his sons were killed on the highway….I sat with that man, that night…..and watched him cry.

  20. Maybe it’s just that I’ve been arrested a number of times, I don’t know… but cops don’t scare me anymore. That motherfucker would not have gotten away with that shit with me. The city would be paying my mortgage and his ass would be out of a job. Beeleeb Dat, yo.

  21. What an excellent post. Here in Austin, we have an organization called Copwatch. I haven’t been involved in a few years, but the concept rocks, going around and videotaping and writing shit down as the cops hassle black men on the street in the area of town that is notorious for drugs.

    This is the kind of shit that makes me want my husband and I to dress in drag as we drive through bumfuck Oklahoma on our way to my parents’ house in Arkansas stopping at the scary-ass convenience stores.

    On a far more important note (right). I tagged you with the newest strain of the Splotchy Story Virus..

  22. not all cops are bad.
    not all cops are good.
    BUT, assholes are always assholes.

  23. Look at it this way, if you looked more middle eastern than latino he probably could have disappeared your ass. Because if you are Arab it’s against the law to ask what’s become of your relatives.

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