My Last Real Job

Jerry Our Branch Manager AKA the Drunken Stumble Bum

J- You know, when I managed the lab at GYM, we ran the best lab in the WORLD.

(After he waddles back to his office)

Me- Did he say, “the WORLD?” What in the Hell is wrong with that idiot?

Dad- He’s a Drunken Stumble Bum.

My father, and I speaking with Peck

Peck- Junior, I need you to go to Lexington, and pick up some test cylinders.

Me- I can’t.

Peck- What do you mean you can’t?

Dad- There’s only one truck here, and it’s broken down.

Peck- There’s only one truck? There were three trucks here this morning. Where in the Fuck did they go?

Dad- They’re in the field, Peck.

Peck- Well, they weren’t in the field this morning. I’ll tell you what, if I go back there, and see more than one truck, you’re going to have more than one black eye.

The Wingnut Engineer

WN- Have you ever seen that movie “The Fly?”

Me- Yeah.

WN- Remember that part where he’s in the bar, and he’s arm wrestling?

Me- And he breaks the guy’s arm in half?

WN- Yep. I did that to someone once.

Another moment of Peck

Peck- You know, when I hired him I figured he was a big strong kid, and he’d do a good job, but he turned out to be some young, dumb, dumb Fuck. I guess you can’t teach a dumbass new tricks.

Jerry the Drunken Stumble Bum

J- I need you to come here for a minute.

Me- What’s up?

J- The results from the Proctor you ran yesterday are incorrect.

Me- What happened?

(20 minutes later…)

J- Two of the samples have the same value, and that can’t happen if the test is run correctly.

Me- So, one of the samples didn’t have enough water added to it?

J- Yes, you have to be more careful when you’re wetting down the sample. It’s very important to take your time, and to do it correctly.

Me- Jerry, I didn’t wet down the sample. You did.

Sleepy Doc

Doc- Yeah, I gave up druggin’. I’m done doing that shit.

Me- I thought you said you drank a case of beer last night?

Doc- I did, but I gotta have muh beer.

The Wingnut

WN- My friends and I were golfing one day, and there was this bulldozer sitting in-between greens about 400 yards away. I bet them $500 that not only could I hit it, but that I could hit it on a fly.

Me- Really?

WN- Yep. I wound up, charged at the ball, and hit the bulldozer right in that little window on the door. I bet under the right conditions I could hit a golf ball a thousand yards.

Peckisms

That’s like pissing in the Ohio River, and thinking it’s going to change the water level.

You Flying Monkey Bastard

(On the phone with an Employee) Whatta ya’ mean you’re not coming in because your car is Broken Down? It wasn’t Broken Down yesterday.

Wait a Minute Dick Sucker Jones.

Don. Dumbass. They both start with “D.” what’s the Difference?

That Mother Fucking Cock Cunt Bastard~!~!

I was looking for the Goddamn thing for 20 minutes, and the entire time your Dad’s over here playing the Silent Dumb Fuck.

At a job site, in a County where 95% of the population is white

Idiot #1- You know, we’re all gonna be talkin’ Mexican ‘fore too long. They’re takin’ over this country.

Idiot #2- Shit, we all be talkin’ Nigger first. The White Man’s goin’ extinct.

The Adventures of Sleepy Doc

Peck- That Stupid Shit Sleepy Doc really Fucked up this time.

Dad- What happened?

Peck- The Dumb Fucker left the job site in Nashville this morning, and drove home to Louisville because he said the forecast on the weather channel called for rain.

Me- He left the job because they said it might rain?

Peck- Yep. Can you believe that Dumbass? Of course it didn’t rain, and the Project Manager called me wondering where in the Fuck Sleep Doc is.

Dad- What makes it worse is they already caught him sleeping in his truck when he was supposed to be doing a re-Steel Inspection.

Peck- Don’t forget. He also disappeared an entire afternoon because he was fishing at a pond on the neighboring property. Billy Bob Cocksucker!!

Wingnut

WN- I’m completely opposed to Affirmative Action. People lose their jobs All the Time to Unqualified Minorities just so companies can meet their “Quotas.”

Me- Have you ever known anyone who lost their job, or didn’t get a job because of Affirmative Action?

WN- No.

Peck

Well, I over popped off earlier.

I will kick your lazy fat ass all the way to Texas.

That Dirty Brown Nosing Cunt!

(On the phone with a client)- Okay John, alright buddy, you have a great day. (Hangs up) Buttfucking Mother Fucker!!

Fuck that Paying Online Bullshit.

You Murphy Mother Fucker.

That’s like saying, “I shot a bullet in the sky, and I might have hit a bird.”

If you need to get hold of Jerry later, try calling 1-800-Buttfuck.

A Few Sage Words from Sleepy Doc

Me- Doc, you alright? You seem a little out of it this morning.

Doc- I’m fine.

Me- You sure? You’re acting a kind of Loopy.

Doc- I’m completely sober. I mean, I did pop a couple of Oxy tabs, because of my back, but I feel fine.

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~ by fairlane on May 22, 2008.

17 Responses to “My Last Real Job”

  1. Evidence that real jobs are nothing but maddening black comedy. I’m glad I don’t have one.

  2. hhhmmmmmm, sounds as if it was high-profile, double-secret, CIA-Government Agency type job.

    I always remember my first ‘real’ job…..at the local newspaper where my father worked. After school and weekends. I even had a title; “Shit-Kid”, as in, “kid, do this shit….kid, do that shit”. By the time I had graduated, four years later, I was the obituary writer, too. But I didn’t want a dead-end job. I went to college where I could really be a Shit-Kid.

    Hey, Peck sounds kinda, sorta interesting.

  3. It’s funny how you can’t see the comedy happening as clearly when you are mired in the bullshit all day, but later it comes throught crystal. I think I worked with some of the same archetypes. I promise I won’t do it ever again, but I tagged you because I want to know more abouut your redneck past.

  4. Oh, dear. This reminds me of the stories that MathMan tells from when he worked at a warehouse in Louisville. One of his coworkers was a guy named Jimbo. He was from Shelbyville. Need I say more?

  5. Randal- I vowed to never work for anyone ever again, but…

    Okjimm- It was all very hush-hush. In fact, I’m probably going to have to kill everyone who read this post.

    I only planned on working there for a few months because I was having trouble finding a job as a counselor due to Chimpy’s “Faith Based Initiative” program, and the subsequent diversion of $8 billion away from social services.

    I ended up working there for two years, until Drunken Stumble Bum told me, “We’re going to have to let you go.”

    He was so disappointed when I responded, “Good, later.” I think he fantasized that I’d beg him to stay.

    Last I heard, the company lost 10% of its business during his final year as Branch Manager (He was demoted a month after I was “Let Go”).

    Peck is hilarious, but it’s completely unintentional.

    One of the more interesting aspects to Peck’s personality is, he’s a fucking engineering genius.

    Whenever anyone had a question, they’d, begrudgingly, call him, and after listening for ten minutes about what a “Stupid Shit” they were, he’d answer the question.

    Cowboy- Oh no, we saw the comedy daily. That’s why I was able to post so many of the “Peckisms.” We wrote them down every time he said something crazy. There are hundreds of Peckisms, and, in fact, we’re thinking of publishing them.

    We even have greeting cards, “Happy Mother’s Day-You Dirty Brown Nosing Cunt!”

    My dad is the one with all the stories. He worked as the Lab Supervisor for almost 30 years. Drunken Stumble Bum was just one in a long line of Nutcases. One supervisor stopped going to Malls because he was afraid Al Qaida was going to start blowing them up.

    Oh, the Rednecks he’s encountered.

  6. Wow, Fairlane….that all sounds hilarious and pathetic at the same time……breaks me up. It also took me back down memory lane shit……all the different college jobs….summer jobs….the strange strange folks you would meet. Speaking a jobs….I gotta write a couple of reports and I am blowing this place for a long weekend. thanks for the story….made my day!!

  7. // We even have greeting cards, “Happy Mother’s Day-You Dirty Brown Nosing Cunt!”// oh shit, people are walking by my desk wondering why I am almost gagging….. 🙂

  8. It reminds me of my nights feeding the drunks In Abilene, TX when the bars closed. These “conversations” could be verbatim from the kitchen, the hispanic bus guy, and me. Some dumb bastard drunk came in one night and threw his cutlery at me to get my attention cause he wanted his coffee cup filled now! So I walked slowly to get a full pot of piping hot coffee and headed his way. I carefully positioned his cup a little closer to his crotch and poured the whole pot straight into his lap. He threatened to sue, but I got a standing ovation from the rest of the room. And, oddly, I didn’t get fired.

  9. Dude! You worked in a geotechnical engineering lab?! That’s funny. I know exactly what you were talking about when you mentioned test cylinders and Proctor tests. Ain’t that sumpin’?

    I feel your pain on all that stuff, man. My first year out of college I also worked at a geotechnical engineering firm (in Alabama, no less). The interesting thing was we had a lab tech named Khalid, who was an Arab from northern Sudan, and a devout Muslim. That made for some interesting conversations.

  10. I think I was once married to Peck.

  11. Man, your work stories are different than mine, but that just makes them a different flavor of fucked up. Although I have to agree with okjimm, Peck sounds kind of interesting. My co-workers aren’t as colorful. They just have appalling manners/personal hygiene issues. Christ, I just realized that I’m Peck.
    Randal…how did you manage that? Because I know I was not meant to work in the corporate world.

  12. Oh man, that was funny. You can’t make stuff like this up. The script would be rejected for being unbelievable. Then again, maybe you should try.

  13. “Happy Mother’s Day-You Dirty Brown Nosing Cunt!”

    I think it would make a great T-shirt….will you split royalties?

  14. Ok- In hindsight, other than Drunken Stumble Bum, it wasn’t all that bad.

    My biggest problem was, the job had nothing to do with my education, and despite coming from a long line of Left Brained people, I simply have no interest in Engineering.

    It’s funny you mention tee shirts, I was just talking to one of the other writers about making a Jonestown tee, but the fucking Kool-Aid man is trademarked.

    Utah- If only you could have served Drunken Stumble Bum. The dude was a complete scumbag.

    reasic- Yeah, I did my time.

    It was another experience, but I’m glad it’s over.

    Pissed- Like I said, Peck is fucking hilarious, but only ad libbing. If you try to get him to say something funny, he can’t do it.

    We had a sheet of paper taped to one of the lockers, and anytime he spouted off a classic someone wrote it down because he could never remember what he said.

    DED- We even tossed around the idea of a sitcom, “Peck.”

  15. perhaps another post about Peck would be fun…..sounds like there is a lotta material to work with…..hmmmmm a design a Jonestown T shirt contest….that could be fun too….certainly enough talent walking in the door. I’ll take a dark blue XL……may as well put one on reserve. Or do you have Cardinal in XL? Oh, wow, a Cardinal XL would be a big goddam bird?

  16. Are you ignoring me?

  17. DCup- (Sorry, apparently we commented at the same time, and I missed you).

    I think I know Jimbo.

    Ok- I had one designed, but like I said, the Kool-Aid man is trademarked.

    Scarlet- Why would I ignore you?

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