My Last Real Job
Jerry Our Branch Manager AKA the Drunken Stumble Bum
J- You know, when I managed the lab at GYM, we ran the best lab in the WORLD.
(After he waddles back to his office)
Me- Did he say, “the WORLD?” What in the Hell is wrong with that idiot?
Dad- He’s a Drunken Stumble Bum.
My father, and I speaking with Peck
Peck- Junior, I need you to go to Lexington, and pick up some test cylinders.
Me- I can’t.
Peck- What do you mean you can’t?
Dad- There’s only one truck here, and it’s broken down.
Peck- There’s only one truck? There were three trucks here this morning. Where in the Fuck did they go?
Dad- They’re in the field, Peck.
Peck- Well, they weren’t in the field this morning. I’ll tell you what, if I go back there, and see more than one truck, you’re going to have more than one black eye.
The Wingnut Engineer
WN- Have you ever seen that movie “The Fly?”
WN- Remember that part where he’s in the bar, and he’s arm wrestling?
Me- And he breaks the guy’s arm in half?
WN- Yep. I did that to someone once.
Another moment of Peck
Peck- You know, when I hired him I figured he was a big strong kid, and he’d do a good job, but he turned out to be some young, dumb, dumb Fuck. I guess you can’t teach a dumbass new tricks.
Jerry the Drunken Stumble Bum
J- I need you to come here for a minute.
Me- What’s up?
J- The results from the Proctor you ran yesterday are incorrect.
Me- What happened?
(20 minutes later…)
J- Two of the samples have the same value, and that can’t happen if the test is run correctly.
Me- So, one of the samples didn’t have enough water added to it?
J- Yes, you have to be more careful when you’re wetting down the sample. It’s very important to take your time, and to do it correctly.
Me- Jerry, I didn’t wet down the sample. You did.
Doc- Yeah, I gave up druggin’. I’m done doing that shit.
Me- I thought you said you drank a case of beer last night?
Doc- I did, but I gotta have muh beer.
WN- My friends and I were golfing one day, and there was this bulldozer sitting in-between greens about 400 yards away. I bet them $500 that not only could I hit it, but that I could hit it on a fly.
WN- Yep. I wound up, charged at the ball, and hit the bulldozer right in that little window on the door. I bet under the right conditions I could hit a golf ball a thousand yards.
That’s like pissing in the Ohio River, and thinking it’s going to change the water level.
You Flying Monkey Bastard
(On the phone with an Employee) Whatta ya’ mean you’re not coming in because your car is Broken Down? It wasn’t Broken Down yesterday.
Wait a Minute Dick Sucker Jones.
Don. Dumbass. They both start with “D.” what’s the Difference?
That Mother Fucking Cock Cunt Bastard~!~!
I was looking for the Goddamn thing for 20 minutes, and the entire time your Dad’s over here playing the Silent Dumb Fuck.
At a job site, in a County where 95% of the population is white
Idiot #1- You know, we’re all gonna be talkin’ Mexican ‘fore too long. They’re takin’ over this country.
Idiot #2- Shit, we all be talkin’ Nigger first. The White Man’s goin’ extinct.
The Adventures of Sleepy Doc
Peck- That Stupid Shit Sleepy Doc really Fucked up this time.
Dad- What happened?
Peck- The Dumb Fucker left the job site in Nashville this morning, and drove home to Louisville because he said the forecast on the weather channel called for rain.
Me- He left the job because they said it might rain?
Peck- Yep. Can you believe that Dumbass? Of course it didn’t rain, and the Project Manager called me wondering where in the Fuck Sleep Doc is.
Dad- What makes it worse is they already caught him sleeping in his truck when he was supposed to be doing a re-Steel Inspection.
Peck- Don’t forget. He also disappeared an entire afternoon because he was fishing at a pond on the neighboring property. Billy Bob Cocksucker!!
WN- I’m completely opposed to Affirmative Action. People lose their jobs All the Time to Unqualified Minorities just so companies can meet their “Quotas.”
Me- Have you ever known anyone who lost their job, or didn’t get a job because of Affirmative Action?
Well, I over popped off earlier.
I will kick your lazy fat ass all the way to Texas.
That Dirty Brown Nosing Cunt!
(On the phone with a client)- Okay John, alright buddy, you have a great day. (Hangs up) Buttfucking Mother Fucker!!
Fuck that Paying Online Bullshit.
You Murphy Mother Fucker.
That’s like saying, “I shot a bullet in the sky, and I might have hit a bird.”
If you need to get hold of Jerry later, try calling 1-800-Buttfuck.
A Few Sage Words from Sleepy Doc
Me- Doc, you alright? You seem a little out of it this morning.
Doc- I’m fine.
Me- You sure? You’re acting a kind of Loopy.
Doc- I’m completely sober. I mean, I did pop a couple of Oxy tabs, because of my back, but I feel fine.