Apparently, While Diving, I Surfaced Too Quickly, and Now I Have the Memes

I was tagged by Cowboy the Cat (Son of a Bitch!) He thinks there’s a possibility I’ve led an “Interesting” Life.

This will Learn’em.

What was I doing 10 years ago?

In 1998, I was working, as a Counselor, with “At-risk” youth in Florida.

Truthfully, I was about to have a Fucking Nervous Breakdown working, as a Counselor, with “At-Risk” youth in Florida.

We lived in National Forest in Florida surrounded by Alligators, Water Moccasins, Timber Rattlers, Diamond Backs, Scorpions, “Cherry” Roaches, Fire Ants, Velvet Ants (Which are actually Wasps), and Mother Fucking Mosquitoes (Goddamn, I hate the Mosquito).

Oh, I forgot, we were also surrounded by Mouthy Punk Ass Kids.

We worked 24 hours a day living in Huts similar to the ones you see on Gilligan’s Island, except they didn’t have doors, and the walls only came up to your waist so Little Jimmy “Whack-a-Mole” was in sight at all times (I’ll post a picture of our Camp some day, if I can find them).

The longest I ever worked was 32 days straight when we took the kids on a trip down the Suwanee River.

After that trip, my Will to Live left me a Dear John Letter.

-One of the coolest things that ever happened was the night a “Cherry” Roach got into my bunk, and sprayed me, as I rolled over on my pillow, in the Fucking Face with this noxious Shit meant to deter predators (It kind of smells like Cherries, hence the name, except it’s Sickingly Sweet, and makes you want to Gag or, in my case, MURDER).

I think I killed him/her at least 25 times.

* “Cherry” Roaches are actually Florida Woods Cockroaches. They are also called “Palmetto Bugs.”

I guess I also helped some kids, and “Made a Difference.” Yadda, Yadda, Yadda, the Audacity of Hope, pass the Care Bears.

I left in December of 2008, moved to St. Louis, and spent the next two years working with Gang Members, and Kids with Psychiatric Illnesses.

What are 5 things on my to-do list for today (not in any particular order)

1) Learn to Break Dance

2) Smack Chimpy Upside His Fucking Head

3) Rule the World

4) Finish My Book or Someone Else’s Book

5) Have Sex with Natassja Kinski


Snacks I enjoy:


Toaster Leavins

Fingers of Small Children

Things I would do if I were a billionaire:

Smack Chimpy Upside His Fucking Head

Purchase an Island, and Kick Everyone Who Lives There into the Ocean

Buy a Porsche, and Crash it into my Neighbor’s House (Hopefully while he’s sitting in his living room watching “Extreme Home Nanny Makeover Dancing”)

Git Bling fo muh Grill

Places I have lived:


Upper Hell

Lower Hell

Middle Hell

At a 90 Degree Angle from Hell

The Blogosphere

Louisville (What Hell’s Hell probably looks like)

Percocetopia (Just South of the State of Drug Induced Psychosis)

Florida (Also known as Hell’s Toilet)

People I want to know more about:

Considering I spent a Substantial part of my life Working, and Dealing with People, I’d say I already know more than I ever wanted.

I’m supposed to Tag People. Consider yourself Tagged, People.

~ by fairlane on May 23, 2008.

17 Responses to “Apparently, While Diving, I Surfaced Too Quickly, and Now I Have the Memes”

  1. i will indeed consider myself tagged.

  2. You know what? I don’t know why I even blog. Your freaking memes are even entertaining. And I’ve been wondering what that red bug was. Velvet ant. Thanks.

  3. I grew up in Hell, and I never saw you there.

  4. I am a son of a bitch. Just ask my mother. Velvet ants (not ants, bees/wasps) are also sometimes called “cow killers” or “bullet ants” because apparently the sting is one of the most painful of all animals. I don’t want to find out. Fairlane, you just whet my appetite… now I must know EVEN MORE!!! MWAHAHAHAH hack! Cough!!

  5. So (in my best Cartman voice and I can do it to a tee) am I to assume that my state of Florida is not on your vacation list?

  6. The best part about people is not knowing them. I’m not against the slapping Chimpy thing, but how about releasing a colony of those bugs inside the White House first, then slap him as he comes running out in his pajamas.

  7. Howdy fairlane. Nice to drop by and learn something new about you!

    Lower hell is by far the best part of hell.

  8. you are so good at channeling your … hmmm … anger? rage? despair? whatever … into stuff that is so f*cking funny that it makes me spew my organic white tea with ginger onto my new flatscreen monitor. not to worry though, fairlane. it cleans up quite well. and, like others have said, it’s interesting to learn more about who *you* are.

  9. //5) Have Sex with Natassja Kinski//

    pffffft…it wasn’t ALL that good

    //Fingers of Small Children//

    …especially when breaded with toaster leavins and dipped in a German Brown Mustard. And followed with a pale ale…..

  10. I’ll go halfsies with you on that island.



  11. i want to produce the movie of your life. i think it should star Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher

  12. I think Dcap is on to something here. The movie should also have some big-headed dwarves in a dream/dance sequence.



  13. I’ve got a script I am working on. Fairlane would be perfect in the lead role….it’s called “Sleeping Jesus and the twelve Dwarfs”. It is still a work in progress….but page 2 is shaping up just fine.

  14. Doktor- Have at it, just don’t hurt yourself.

    Mary- Those Velvet Ants are cool. They can flatten themselves out, so when you try to step on them they don’t get smashed.

    I, for one, am glad you blog.

    You’re probably much better for the world than yours truly.

    Scarlet- I was there, you just didn’t recognize me.

    Cowboy- I think that’s enough for now.

    I already have the FCC on my ass.

    PoP- There are parts of Florida I enjoy, but as a whole, I was not real impressed with the Sunshine State, and, in fact, I thought a lot of it was more “Hillbilly” than Kentucky.

    But I’d gladly come visit you 😉

    Randal- I’m not sure if the bugs would work. Isn’t Cheney a demon, and don’t demons have some kind of control over insects?

    It could backfire.

    C.J.- Yea!!

    Good to see you, read you, whatever, I’m glad you’re around.

    Anita- Sometimes I’m not sure where this crap comes from, but as the saying goes, “Write it, and they will come.”

    I’m glad you enjoyed.

    Okjimm- That recipe sounds like we have a potential cookbook in the making.

    Ten- If I ever win the lottery, we’re there. This place is headed for the shitter.

    DCap- Is Demi Moore going to play me?

    I always wanted silicone tits.

    Ten- Again with the Fucking Dwarves.

    Fine, the movie can have Dwarves, as long as I get to pummel them with a Giant Mallet.

    Okjimm- Who kisses Jesus to wake him from his slumber, Mary Magdalene?

  15. I guess NOW you want to do Mary Magdalene, too?

  16. Ms. Blue- You ever heard the saying, “Do them all, and let God sort’em out?”

  17. Good point. Plus human babies aren’t all that filling. He might need a midnight snack.

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