A rant, a lesson, a quiz, a poem

Again with the house payment. They’re always with the house payment. I don’t get these people and their totally arbitrary deadlines.

Oh, waaa, the house payment’s due. Our little bankie only has billions of dollars, but we need your pitiful little paycheck, this week and next.

Seriously, have I ever NOT paid it? Why do you care WHEN you get your money as long as you GET it. Jeez-uzz H on a biscuit.

It reminds me of my mother. She always wanted the dishes done TODAY. I’m like, what does it matter as long as they get done before you run out of dishes? And my mother had dishes out the ying yang. Truth be told, we could have gone half a month without ever washing a single dish. Maybe a pot or pan now and then, but really, that was all. But, noooooo. Dishes must be done each and every day. Like the dishes will feel neglected and run away in the night. And if they did, would that be such a bad thing? I mean, just break out the good Chinette already.

Sigh. Mothers. And bankers. Can’t live with them or without them.

I am so busy, people. I barely have time to write this post. In fact, I may leave it open-ended, and you can provide your own conclusion, no? Like I’ve never done that before.

But, hey, at least I’m not as slow or lazy or whatever as that effing Wonder Woman, who apparently can only find dead bodies these days. Sad. I remember a time when Wonder Woman would have been there WAITING for the crime to happen. What next, WW? Hanging out at the Shady Shoals with Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy?

This week, I am reviewing for a test I must pass to be certified to teach English in this fine Midwestern state in which I live. I am reviewing sentence types. Not those declaratory and interrogatory and exclamatory and imperatory and purgatory sentences, but the simple, compound, complex, and compound-complex kinds. I don’t teach them to college students in those terms. I usually just present them with a handout of common patterns and how to punctuate them. So, I was a little rusty on the whole thing, but I’m good now. Here are some examples, in case you’re fuzzy, too.

Simple: one independent clause.

Many Missourians are crystal meth addicts.

Compound: two independent clauses.

Many Missourians are crystal meth addicts, so they often need dentures.

Complex: dependent clause plus independent clause.

Although you now see denture stores everywhere, no one seems to realize the problem.

Compound -complex: two independent clauses plus a dependent clause. Also known as a clusterfvck for the way students get tangled up in the punctuation.

I should have opened a denture shop, in which I could actually make money, but I had to become a teacher.

Now your turn. Quiz yourself.

1. Most dentures cost ninety-nine dollars now.

2. I had thought dentures were a thing of the past, but apparently they are making a comeback.

3. Although dentures are very popular in Missouri, I have no desire to own a pair.

4. Are you really taking this effing quiz?

Answers:

1. Simple

2. Compound

3. Complex

4. Simple

I am teaching two summer classes, and every morning I pass a brand new strip mall (close to a place where Fairlane worked as a counselor once upon a time but that’s just coincidence), and in this mall is a great big store that sort of reminds you of one of those big optical stores, and this store is simply called “DENTURES.”

I have never, in my life, seen a store called that. And I have never seen so many billboards advertising dentures for $99. WTF? Isn’t anybody else seeing this?

But hey! At least my gov’mint is pertecting me from terrorism, no?

I’ve also been studying up on dat dere poetry stuff and found this old (well, 1984) favorite by Sharon Olds called “Sex Without Love.”

How do they do it, the ones who make love

without love? Beautiful as dancers,

Gliding over each other like ice-skaters

over the ice, fingers hooked

inside each other’s bodies, faces

red as steak, wine, wet as the

children at birth, whose mothers are going to

give them away. How do they come to the

come to the come to the God come to the

still waters, and not love

the one who came there with them, light

rising slowly as steam off their joined

skin? These are the true religious,

the purists, the pros, the ones who will not

accept a false Messiah, love the

priest instead of the God. They do not

mistake the lover for their own pleasure,

they are like great runners: they know they are alone

with the road surface, the cold, the wind,

the fit of their shoes, their over-all cardio

vascular health–just factors, like the partner

in the bed, and not the truth, which is the

single body alone in the universe

against its own best time.

~~~~~~~~~~

So, there you have a rant, a lesson, a quiz, and a poem.

What more could you possibly want from me?

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~ by Scarlet Blue on June 7, 2008.

6 Responses to “A rant, a lesson, a quiz, a poem”

  1. Do you sell dentures for less than $99?

    I hope you plan on making your students diagram sentences. That was presumably as fun as getting dentures after having your still-workable teeth ripped out with pliers.

    I’m too sexy for some love,
    I’m too sexy for some love,
    I play defense like the Glove.
    Don’t you shove, two foul shots.

  2. scarlet

    did i ever tell you how much i love you?

    now that was a question……..and of course in this world i am not case sensitive

    LOL

    btw, i wonder if the dentures store will begin franchising — with little health care, people will start losing their teeth.

  3. Scarlet, You helped me feel validated, humble, accomplished, and vulnerable. Thank you.

    That poem is the shit. It sums up my slutty impulses so beautifully, and justifications are where it’s at for me. When the world doesn’t appreciate my tendencies and life presents those unnecessary and cumbersome deadlines and rules to abide, something’s got to give.

  4. 1) Ok
    2) sure
    3) why not
    4) maybe

    and fuck bankers, anyways. most of ’em are Repubs.

  5. You can give your bank my phone number. I’m becoming expert at not answering the phone. Not that it will help you, but at least then you won’t have to hear them nag. Of course I’m a total hypocrite on this because when it comes to dishes, I’m your mother. Can you forgive me?

  6. RG, only the wooden set.

    No, DCap, I do not recall you having declared your love before, but it’s better late than never, I’m thinking.

    Freida, all in one post?

    OKJimm, so that’s 5 out of 5. Go to the head of the class.

    DCup, I want some kind of Star Trek thing that allows you to put the dishes in a recycler-thingy when you’re done. Then your food comes out of the replicator on fresh dishes.

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