For Only $43.99 plus S&H, You, Too, Can Own a Piece of the Dream

If there’s one thing I’m known for (Actually, I’m known for a lot of things, but this is the Main Thing), it’s my Virtually Limitless Generosity. I mean, if I’m not out Giving It to my fellow Man/Woman, you can bet I’m either Asleep or under the influence of some serious Narcotics, and being that I rarely sleep, and can no longer afford Vicodin/Percodan/Percocet, I spend the Majority of My Time bestowing Joy, and Lovedness upon any, and everyone in sight.

In fact, word on the Street (At least from what I hear) is,

“fairlane LIves to Give.”

It’s true, seriously, I’m not Fucking with You, I promise, and, no, I didn’t Bribe the homeless guy holding the sign.

(Quick Aside)

Speaking of Homeless Guys.

I was sitting at a light (In my Car) yesterday listening to Joy Division (I know, I’m Sickeningly Happy), and this homeless guy walks past me on the Sidewalk (He was on the Sidewalk, not I).

Just as he passes, this is what he hears,

“There’s No Room for the Weak.”

So, my question is, do you think the Redwings will repeat as Stanley Cup Champions next year?

Christ, I hope so.

(Back to the Giving Festival)

After doing a bit of Research, I discovered that one of things people love the most is, Bumperstickers.

I know, Who Knew?

I figured it would be Extra Soft Charmin or a Long Weekend with a Congressional Page.

But Statistics don’t Lie, and Strawberries are always better in Early to Mid Summer.

People simply go Cuckoo for their Cocoa Puffs, er… Bumperstickers.

They Absolutely Love the Fucking Things.

And when I think about it, it does make Sense.

After all, one of the problems with American Society is that people just don’t spend enough time getting to know one another anymore.

And Bumperstickers, like Ice Picks, break through the Frozen Tundra of our Isolation.

Bumperstickers give each, and everyone of Us an Opportunity to say,

“”Hey, over here, Look at Me. Did you know my Son’s an Honor Roll student at the 134th Ranked School in the State, and that I’m Proud?”

Or-

“Not only do I have AAA Gold, I also support Breast Cancer Awareness.”

Talk about putting yourself out there-

Wow!

Some people go so far as to cover their Entire Car with Stickers. Now, it’s usually because they’re driving a Bucket, and are attempting to cover the Rust Spots, and Holes, but you still have to Tip your Hat to these Brave Souls who clearly demonstrate Personal Boundaries are Simply Unnecessary.

For example-

Without 23 Rainbow Colored Stickers, how would I know the guy in the Purple Geo, Rocking Out the Phantom of the Opera Soundtrack is Gay?

It’s not like I have a “Gaydar” or anything, and even if I did, now that they’re Manufactured/Assembled in China, you just can’t trust them.

Besides, knowing he likes Men gives me the Heads Up that I’m the only one sitting at the light interested in the Hot Chick with the “Wild Child” license plate.

Muchas Gracias Bro’.

Or-

What about the Dude with the Mullet in the 1978 Chevy Pick-up?

If not for his “Dern Tootin’ I’m a Rebel,” and “The South Will Rise Again” Carttoos, I’d never know he lived in a Trailer Park, and that his Father was a Vicious Alcoholic.

Well, I’d probably know because you can see it in People’s Eyes, but it makes my Job Easier, and being one Lazy Mother Fucker, I’m forever Indebted to this man, and to, what we call in the Biz, his Inappropriate Revelations.

(Speaking of People being Inappropriate)-

Have you ever met someone who within 20 minutes of meeting you begins recalling their Sordid Past, and how Papa used to touch them on the Pee Weiner?

Those people Creep Me the Fuck Out!

What in the Fuck is Wrong with Them?!!

When I was still working as a Counselor, I’d have Kids/Adults, on a daily basis, come into my Office talking about “My dad molested me,” “My mom is a Meth Addict,” and all kinds of other Crazy Shit.

“Uh, I’m trying to eat my lunch here. Who let you in anyway? We have an appointment? Are you sure? Goddamn Vicodin!”

(Where am I, oh, Right…)

Anyway, the point of this post.

*Why do Humans demand, desire, expect, need things to have a Point?

I, for one, find all this “What’s the Point?,” and “What in the Fuck are you talking about?” Gibberish to be very Meddlesome.

Okay, okay, okay, calm down, you just went through Hormone Therapy, and need to Relax, I’ll get on with it, I Promise-

So, being the Aforementioned Generous Person, I decided that we, meaning me, should do something for those out there who Love the Bumpersticker, and more importantly, those who Love to broadcast everything from their Sexual Orientation, to their Financial Situation for All the World-

And…We did.

And here they are-

Enjoy-

If you’re like me, and I’m sure you are, it’s Monumentally Important for you to never, and I mean never, be Offensive or Upsetting in any way, shape, or form.

In fact, if it came down to being Crushed by a Giant Anvil, or Hurting Someone’s Feelings, you’d wave goodbye, and tell your kids you love them.

Well, do I have the perfect, and I mean PERFECT, Carttoo for you.

Let’s say you’re one of these People Pleasers I just described, but at the same time you Love You Some Obama.

Wow, you’re in a Pickle.

If you simply throw an “Obama 2008” sticker on your bumper, one of your “Liberal” friends might get Pissed because they Supported Hillary, and think Obamamaniacs are Reverse Racist, Women Hating Pigs.

We can’t have that now can we?

I mean, we’ve spent decades Honing our Lap Doggery down to a Fine Point, and we can’t blow it all up just for Obama, no matter how many Care Bears he promises to Appoint.

Fret no more my friends.

Now you, just like Obama, can express yourself in the most Universally Appealing Way with little to no chance of Offending Another Precious Soul.

Why, you could probably get away with Pimpin’ this Bitch in the Heart of Klan Country without so much as a Peep, as long as you drive really, really Fucking Fast.

Okay, but what if you’re one of those people who believes Obama Supporters are Hell Bent on Outlawing the Vagina?

What about Me, you ask?

Again, No Worries.

It’s all Good.

After all, it’s not your fault the Media, and the majority of Democrats, Conspired against Hillary simply because she’s Sans a Penis.

What good is a Penis anyway? Can a Penis dodge Sniper Fire or speak passionately about Presidential Candidates being Assassinated?

I don’t Fucking Think So.

And what right do those Sexist Bastards have to call you Racist?

Obviously, they Hate Women. There’s simply no other Explanation. None, nada, nothing, zilch, Zippo. You know, as well as I, that Hillary is an Example of Perfect Orthodoxy, and only Wife Beater Wearing, Get Me a Beer Bitch, Sitting on Their Ass, Football Watching Misogynists oppose her.

Amen, Sister!

Shouldn’t you have a Right to continue Pledging Allegiance to Hillary no matter how Self-Serving, and Remorseless she is?

Fuck Yes, You Should!!

And now, you can-


(Click to Enlarge)

But what about the Wingnuts? Is this one of those “Liberal Blogs” that ignores the fact that Wingnuts love Bumperstickers too?

Of course not Sweet Heart, don’t get your Magic Panties in a Bunch.

If there’s one thing I’m always saying, it’s, “Gosh Dernit” (I forget the rest, but you get the picture).

What kind of “Fair and Balanced” Person would I be without a sticker or TWO (Yep, I said, “TWO”) for my friends on the Right? I’ll tell you what kind of “Fair and Balanced” Person I’d be, not very Fair and Balanced at all, that’s how Fair and Balanced.

What if you’re one of those people who Hates both Blacks, and Women Equally, and instead prefer a Well “Seasoned” White Guy? What about You?

Yeah, what about you?

Shouldn’t you have the right to put your Eggs in any Basket you Please? Who says you have to like Coloreds or Dames? Liberals, the Media, Jesse Jackson?

Shit, if anyone is qualified to lead this country, it sure as shit ain’t no Son of a Nigra or some Purse Totin’ Broad.

Real leaders are Old, really Fucking Old, and they’re White too, and they don’t wear Maxi Pads (They might wear a Diaper, but that’s beside the point).

You want/need a Real Man, a man who isn’t afraid to be a Man, a Man who was around back when Men were Invented, and for Christ’s Sake his name ain’t Saddam or whatever the Fuck that Politically Correct Negro calls himself.

So, to honor your Dedication to the White Man, who we all know is going Extinct, I offer you this.

A Tribute to the Man among Boys.

(Is there anyone still with me?)

Now, Remember, I said I’d have TWO for the Wingnuts, and by God, I’m a Man of my Word.

Although we know Women have no right to be in Positions of Power, and that they’re far too Emotional to even be allowed to Speak in Public, we must Acknowledge that no Man’s Life is Complete without some Skirt at home to Fix’em Up a Mess’a’ Vittles, and to do his Warsh.

With this in mind, and without further adieu, I present to you a Real Man’s Woman-

Do you ever find yourself, after watching late night TV, specifically commercials with Sally Struthers Stumbling through Africa, worrying about all the Starving Children in the World?

Do you ever think, “Something must be done about this, this is a Fucking Travesty?”

Well, now you can express your concern for the Poor Babes of Biafra while simultaneously addressing a Multitude of Connected Issues that Affect Us All.

And you can do it without covering your Benzo like Not Jenna at a Bukkake Festival.

Be the first on your Block to Declare, “I’m mad as a Mutha Fucka, and I ain’t takin’ it no more, Bitches!”

Let the world know you not only care about Global Hunger, but a whole host of other Related Problems.

Such as-

Global Warming, Pedophilia, Serial Murder, Mass Murder, Corporate Crime, Political Hackery, Insipid Sitcoms, Line Dancing, Lame Attempts at R & B, and anything to do with Chuck Norris.

And if someone gets Pissed, you can Feign Ignorance.

“Wuh, Huh, that’s what that means? Are you sure? Don’t Fuck with me man. Seriously? I had no Fucking Idea.”

Onward Christian Soldiers We Go-

Last, but most Assuredly not Least, we have the one, the only, the Crème de la crème, the Apple of my Mother’s Eye, a Tribute to both Simplicity, and Elegance, a work of Art so Exquisite the Musée du Louvre is already in Negotiations with my People to purchase the Original, yes, it’s that, exactly what you’re thinking right now, the Masterwork of all Masterworks, Ladies, Gentlemen, Crack Fiends Everywhere, I now Present to you your Ticket to Shangri-La-

(For those with Heart Conditions, you may want to step away from your Computer)

I think that about Covers It.

* If you were not completely satisfied with this post, for any reason, you may return it for a full refund (Minus S & H) to-

I’m a Self-Serious Wanker
P.O. Box 676
Atlantis, USA 97989-676

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~ by fairlane on June 10, 2008.

26 Responses to “For Only $43.99 plus S&H, You, Too, Can Own a Piece of the Dream”

  1. i knew cindy mccain had one of the Geraldo/Oprah diseases. I mailed back my Gore/Lieberman bumper sticker to you. Also the Honk if you love Armadillos sticker

    i want my money back

  2. //(Is there anyone still with me?)//

    Well, maybe sorta. But where are we?

    //“I’m mad as a Mutha Fucka..??//

    There has never been any great genius without a spice of madness.
    -Seneca-

    I just wanna know if we can get some French Fries at half-time?

  3. I had to look up progeria. She’s right… it’s not a laughing matter. (I’m so ashamed)

    On a lighter note, you are one crazy fuck.

  4. all i can say is thats an expensive dream
    a dream aint worth 10 gallons of gas lol

  5. Shit&stuff….I had to read that again. Exisitenial-Gonzo-Angst.
    Wowsers! I think you have coined a genre. Not that you care, I’m sure. I think I will have to switch from beer to whiskey for a night to grok the fullness.

  6. i saw a bumper sticker that really pissed me off yesterday:

    chose life, your mother did

    right.

    as if MY mother’s situation when she got knocked up was de facto the same as mine, yours or anyone else’s at any particular time. i wanted to pull the person driving that car over and shake my finger at him/her, in that awful bill clinton kind of way and say ‘it ain’t so simple missy !!!’

    well, instead, i said to myself, there is some logical fallacy inherent in that statement (i.e., red herring, etc., etc.). i’m not a lawyer, but did take a logic course waaay back when and have enough brain cells left to spot one.

    so i decided rather than pull the offending driver off Route 84 eastbound, i was going to go home and find out which fallacy it is and report back.

    i haven’t done it yet. but i will. it’s way too hot to be researching logical fallacies, don’t you think?

  7. Ah, Emp, I see you’re back. I mean, really BACK.

    But that “fairlane lives to give….” Man, that was so tempting….

  8. Whenever I see a car with even a fourth that many stickers on it, “Who Are You?” starts playing in my head.

    Sign me up fer two a’them there sticker generationators!

  9. I almost choked on my Absinthe and cookies when I read the one that said ‘End World Hunger – Eat Crackers’. You are a very funny man.

  10. I re-read this post this morning after my hazelnut coffee and a frozen waffle (or two). Holy Shit, Fairlane. You HAVE outdone yourself, again.

    Peace Out. (???)

  11. Fairlane,

    How about this for a bumpersnicker:

    “The SAT scores of Asian-Americans, it said, like those of other Americans, tend to correlate with the income and educational level of their parents.”

    Can we conclude then that the child of the homeless or the offspring of a crack ho could do as well as those ‘gifted’ students in the public schools?

    Is merit a myth?

  12. Was that supposed to be funny?

    I hope so because I laughed my tiny ass off as I read it.

  13. Hey, can I get a discount on a bulk order of the Jownstown stickers? It would be part of my “Bumper Stickers For Other People” program. You know, like when I put a couple dozen “Darwin” stickers on cars in the parking lot at “Focus on the Family.”

  14. Fuck your Red Wings. Go Blue Jackets. I hope that was offensive enough. I’m trying, I really am because I am also a giver.

    I don’t have any bumper stickers on my car.

  15. Anon– That “Honk if you love Armadillos” is classic. How could you possibly return it?

    Okjimm– For you, it’s free fry time regardless.

    Cowboy
    – No, it’s not a laughing matter, at least not too much.

    “Crazy Fuck,” Moi?

    Get outta here, I’m as sane as they come, which is why I seem insane.

    Raw– You can’t put a price tag on a man’s dreams.

    Unless you want too, in which case, I’m willing to part with mine for a cool Mil.

    Ok– E.G.A., I like that, will you be my Manager/Publicist?

    Anon– It’s too hot for pretty much anything.

    102 F was the temp today, with 347% humidity.

    Empress
    – You know how much I love helping out my fellow man/woman.

    It’s my nature.

    O’Tim– We added you to the list.

    Susan
    – We actually tried that one out a few years back, but most people didn’t get it.

    “Eat crackers, whatta’ ya’ mean? Ya can’t live off’a crackers.”

    Anon– I appreciate it. I haven’t been feeling like myself as of late, and needed to let loose.

    Jude– That was quite an amazing discovery was it not?

    I guess they’ll be telling us height, eye color, skin tone, etc is also dependent on who your parents are?

    PoP– I hope it was funny. I don’t want the Progeria Society coming after me.

    Someone could break a hip.

    Un-Con
    – I’ve thought about doing that as well.

    For example, putting “My other car is a tiny penis” on SUV’s.

    Randal
    – Blue Jackets?

    Does Federov still play for them?

    Either way, they got him about three years too late.

  16. Dude, you’re a nut. I admire your insanity.

  17. FAIRLANE: I like “tickets” too, but the problem is the pleasure they give in warmth and euphoria they take away by making you constipated.

    When was Detroit not a contender. Scotty Bowman is the greatest hockey mind I’ve ever seen. The Redwings just do everything smart. They have no trouble taking small European players who can pass and shoot. They have no problem taking small defenseman who can skate and shoot and pass. He never clots up his attack by using slow bruisers who can only fight. And he always makes sure that his top player are the kinds of healthy sound players who can take a huge workload because he wants his best players to be on the ice together and to get as much time as possible.

    Wings always have the fewest penalties and his idea of defense is not hard-hitting but just having the puck for 45 minutes out of 60 each game. They always say the Wings are soft because of this but the always lead the league in fewest shots allowed.

  18. Federov is a drama queen.

  19. You’re right about the three years too late thing. But they traded Fedorov to the Caps for some defenseman I think, who’ll probably get more ice time than the dude he was traded for. The Jackets thankfully have their goalie, now if they can just add some scoring punch up front. At least Zherdev showed some signs of life down the stretch. I wouldn’t mind seeing Nash flirting with 40-50 goals again either.

    The Red Wings are definitely the model organization in the NHL. They never blow big money on marginal or one-way free agents and they draft about as smart as you can in the crapshoot that is the Entry Draft. Sure, they don’t win every year, but every year they’re a contender.

  20. And all this time I thought you earned redwings. My education is now complete.

    Regards,

    Tengrain

  21. The Red Wings are a well oiled machine. They might not win every game, but that train never really derails, unlike my favorite team (NYR).

    Randal, you have to be a serious hockey fan to be dedicated to the Blue Jackets. I think that they’re the last expansion team to have not made the playoffs, though I could be wrong. I don’t mean that as a slight. It’s that they just can’t seem to cut a break. How’s Manny Malhotra holding up?

    Good post, btw.

  22. good stuff fairlane- your blog is proof there are more than five hockey fans in America

  23. Go Wings!!

  24. fucking hilarious, wow I need to come here more often. Forgiveness requested, I’m just a busy gal.

    (<;

  25. Maggie- As they say, better late than never 🙂

  26. Give a serious address, Dood. No one will know what I’m representin’ iffin’ I ain’t pitchin’ in $43.99 for the Kool Aide.

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