I’m in the Grocery Store, and This Old Bag Bumps into Me…


Because your role is planned for you
There’s nothing you can do

Generally, when visiting the Local Grocer, in this case, Kroger, I bring along my Sweet Pea who serves not only as company, but as a barrier to any recently divorced Anti-Milf who may consider looking my way. In fact, going to “Dirty Kroger” has become something of a special event here in the fairlane household, and Bella gets ramped when she hears the words, “We have to go to the Grocery Today!, we’re down to a Heel, and Half a Pickle.”

Unfortunately, she was with Rose Mary (Who just had her baby), and was unable to make the trip. In hindsight, maybe it was for the best, as my trip turned into a disturbing mishmash of Vigilante Hankering, and Nostalgia for Simpler Times.

As previously mentioned, Bella usually rides Shotgun when “Dada” heads into Town, and as a result, I miss out on the Morons (Or “Fellow Americans,” as I’ve heard them called) rambling through the aisles with their Shit for Brains Kids, and Broken Down Husbands.

But not Today, Folks, Not TODAY!

Here’s a Picture to help set the tone-

So, I’m standing at the freezer trying to decide if we need one or two boxes of Veggie Sausage, and, Suddenly, I feel a presence to my right. I turn to look, and there stands this 107 year old woman with her cart aimed directly at my hip.

You see, Granny wants to look in the freezer to my left, and instead of going around, she’s deduced, logically no less, that the quickest route to her destination is, a Straight Line, and Mother Fuck any innocent bystanders who happen to be in the Way.

For a moment, we’re in the Midst of a Mexican Standoff; I’m looking at her, she’s trying to remember where she is, and it dawns on me that Gramma ain’t changing course, and unless I want to pummel Methuselah’s daughter, in the middle of the Frozen Food Aisle, I best haul ass, which I do (Just in the Nick, as it turns out).

I pull my cart away, and G’s, almost instantaneously, fills the void left by your Humble Author.

“Jesus Christ Granny!”

Yep, she would have hit me if not for my Ninja Like Reflexes.

“What in the Fuck is wrong with You?”

Silence…

Trying not to get upset, I remember how you’re supposed to respect your Elders, and that Granny’s time on this Blue Orb is rapidly fading.

“She has to move quickly because she doesn’t have any time left to kill.”

I truly am a Humanitarian-

So, I head on over to the Organic Eggs on the other side of the aisle, and from my new Vantage, I decide, as a Public Service, to keep an eye on Grandma Moses.

And, as if on cue, before I can place my eggs in the cart, Granny backs her’s out, and almost runs over a Little Girl coming up from the rear.

Silence…

No, “Excuse Me,” “Pardon Me,” or “Oh, I’m sorry young lady, I didn’t see you there.”

Nothing, she just backs out, and heads over to my side of the aisle.

*I know she saw the Little Girl, I know SHE DID!*

“Fuck, she’s headed my way again.”

But, in a stroke of luck, Granny diverts course, and heads away from the Eggs toward the Cheese section, which is a good Eight Feet from where I’m standing.

However, being a Concerned Citizen, and a Lover of All Things Human, I decide to hang back just in case someone needs to Intervene, or Testify in the Lawsuit.

And thank the Heavens I did.

It turns out that Granny is Hell Bent on Whacking at least one “Whipper Snapper,” before heading back to the Geriatric Unit at Central State.


(I’m not sure what in the Fuck she’s doing, but if that ain’t disturbing, I don’t know what is)

Out of the corner of my eye I see her slowly, but most assuredly, Creeping on a man, and his wife who are looking at the fine assortment of Kraft Processed “Cheese Foods.” Each step she gets closer, and closer, and…

“She isn’t going to say anything. She’s just going to Bum Rush them outta’ tha’ way.”

Sure enough.

Granny reaches right in front of the woman’s face forcing her to do her best Keanu Reeves (Sans the Surfer Dude Dialogue) impression to keep from getting clocked in the nose by Granny’s Bow.

Not a Fucking Word. Doesn’t even look at the Woman. Snaps up her 24 pack of “Individually Sliced” whatever that Shit Is, and drops it in her Cart.

“I know a Menace when I see one, and that Bag is a Goddamn Menace.”

But Granny ain’t finished, oh, No, Kind Reader, she’s got Her Kill On.

She walks calmly back to the other side of her cart, grabs the handle, and proceeds to head straight for the now Unnerved Couple.

“She’s going for the Kill Shot!”

She pushes herself, and her cart, filled with about 200 lbs. of Canned Cat Food, into their path.

They part, like a Red Sea of Humanity, and watch as she goes by in Slow Motion, completely Oblivious to their Plight.

“Christ Almighty, someone has to do something. Quick, get some Rope, and muh Horse.”

I can’t let her get away, so, I snatch my cart, forgetting my Eggs, and follow at a Safe Distance.

Granny white knuckles it over to the Ice Cream Section, and I stop close by pretending to debate over which Gallon Jug I wish to purchase.

“Hmmm, shall it be Red, Orange, or…Purple? Yummm, Purple.”

And Gentle Reader, what happened next Haunts me to this Day.

As Granny approaches the Freezer Door, a woman, about 25 years younger with the Exact Same Haircut, and the Exact Same Glasses, moves in beside her.

I shit you not.

At first glance, I assumed she was her Daughter, but Nope.

The Younger Woman brushes past Granny, and Opens the Freezer Door forcing Granny to take a Step Back.

“Oh Shit! That woman just signed her own Death Warrant.”

But Granny does Nothing, absolutely Nothing.

No Karate Chop to the Neck or Cart to the Back of the Knees.

Nothing.

She quietly waits for her Doppleganger to pick out her Bomb Pops, and head on her way.

“This is a Set Up. Where are the Hidden Cameras? Where’s Allen Funt?”

But no one dashed out from behind the random pile of bananas sitting in the middle of the aisle, and no smiling Jackass came running up to the Couple, still looking at Cheese, exclaiming, “You Bitches Just Got Jacked!”

“That really happened. That Shit Really Fucking Happened.”

At this point, I’m Done, Finished, I’ve had Enough of Granny, Younger Granny, and their Marauding Carts, and then it dawns on me.

“Who am I to judge? Wasn’t I a witness to one of the most Infamous, if not the most Infamous, acts ever perpetrated inside the confines of Dirty Kroger?”

You See, Generous Reader, about 20 or so years ago, my friend “Crazy Chris,” and I were standing in the Checkout line when he says-

“I have to Shit.”

“Why you telling me? I’m not interested in your bodily functions.”

Oh, but I would be.

Chris turns back around, and a few seconds later he starts shaking one of the legs of his shorts.

“What the Fuck you doing?”

Yep.

“Fucking Hell Chris, that’s Fucking Nasty. Goddamned, you’re a Nasty Mother Fucker!”

Sometimes, I miss being 18.

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~ by fairlane on July 1, 2008.

22 Responses to “I’m in the Grocery Store, and This Old Bag Bumps into Me…”

  1. Speechless. I think I dated Chris.

  2. Oh my god. I can’t breath. SO funny.

  3. I say, old chap, a marvelous display of constraint on your part! Personally, I would have called Grocery-Land Security and had the AL Carta terrorist water boarded within and inch of her Charmin until she gave up her stash of coupons and her AARP card! Good Show!

  4. I’m sorry, I can’t think of anything but that crazy gif of the lady and her twin hand puppet.

  5. Old fuckers are lucky ’cause they don’t have to tell anyone they’re going to take a dump, they just do, Depends be damned.

    Any of you with kids, tell them that if they ever run into me acting that fucked up when I’m geriatric, they are more than welcome to knock my ass over. I’ll be so hepped up on painkillers I won’t notice the broken hip.

  6. Oh jesus, I’m laughing too hard to write. So, I’ll just say “what okjimm said.” Fuck you Randal. Okjimm beat you too it.

    fairlane, you are a brilliant comedy writer. You are probably rich and famous, and are playing a single father who shops at Kroger, while you get your book or screenplay out. I’m a little touchy about the OLD BAG crack, since I’m hard on the heels of Granny. Every bit as crazy. I say things like, Are you talkin to me! to no one in particular while shopping at, you guessed it, Kroger. I also stare at my favorite coffee and say, “Are you fucking crazy!??” I don’t have the slightest idea who I’m talking to except the Gods who control the price of coffee. But there very well might be children near by, since this IS Utah. I try to act as if I hadn’t actually done this. It might be the Chris equivalent of old bag behavior.

  7. the granny story is very strange as is the story of your friend defecating in the Krogers……. your role is planned for you…..

  8. i want my menacing avatar to show….. i don’t want an generic avatar picture…..

  9. hmmm…. i must be incorrectly toggling something!

  10. thanks…. i look much better now….

  11. Why why why are they so effing slow? What is UP with that?

  12. longterm gravitational effects on biomechanics….. veronica

  13. Now that was just disgusting.. both parts. Hilarious too. I have to make dinner now but thank goodness I don’t have to shop first.

  14. can’t resist a grateful dead comment

  15. Fairlane: I am happy to run as your VP, but never, ever make me go to a Krogers with you. Now I’m trying to figure out what the poor bastard who had to clean up after your pal Chris was thinking. He’s probably still telling that story.

  16. Be thankful it was just a shopping cart. Wait til she gets back in her car!!!

  17. This is exactly why you need to carry a video camera on your person at all times, fairlane.

  18. First of all, I am sure you were stoned. The painting is a dead giveaway, Munch’s “Scream” – you were obviously screaming for munchies.

    Secondly, since you foolishly travel without a chainsaw, you found yourself at the mercy of a GRAMMA?!?! WTF?!?

    If you were too stoned to bitch slap her, at the very least you could have very graciously offered her some of your delicious kool-aid, pretending to be one of those sample whores, yaknowhadimean, and done us all a favor.

    Why do you hate us?

    Why do you hate America?

  19. i hope they pay u to tetify

    and get a farm
    food dont grow in kroger

  20. Sounds like she’s all jacked up on cat food.

    Your friend is creepier than the old lady.

  21. DCup– It’s possible. He was in a band 8)

    Anita– Happy to know you enjoyed.

    Okjimm
    – “Al Carta,” they ain’t nuthin’ t’ fuck wit.

    Cowboy– I wish I had a camera. The look on her face, or lack thereof, was a thing of beauty.

    She’s a remorseless killer.

    Randal
    – I was too frightened to even say anything to her. Hell, she probably had a burner in her hose.

    Utah
    – My book is in limbo, and come to think of it, so is my bank account.

    Ghost
    – Can I be Dr. Frank N. Furter?

    Do you have a new blog?

    De Nada.

    Empress
    – She wasn’t slow, but she was silent, and deadly.

    Ghos
    t- Love the Elvis, not the Presley, but the Costello.

    Don’t care for Jerry, and his crew too much. Actually, that’s an understatement. I Fucking Hate the Grateful Dead.

    Susan
    – If you happen to head over to Kroger, avoid the shit on the floor.

    Pissed
    – I can’t even imagine.

    Chris is a paranoid schizophrenic, hence the name “Crazy Chris.”

    DED
    – I watched her leave, and waited an extra 10 minutes before heading out.

    Freida
    – I would, but then I’d end up incriminating myself.

    Un-Con– I don’t mean to hate America. I really don’t 😦

    Raw
    – Me too.

    I can’t afford a farm right now. Too much shopping at Kroger.

    Cialis
    – Every time you comment, I do my best to keep a Stiff upper lip because I know you’re trying to get a Rise out of me. I must admit, at times, it can be very Hard.

  22. Come on down here during the tourist season (which is right about now) and let’s do a little shopping at the Food Lion. Nothing better than a store full of tourists that want to get on the beach and will run over anyone to get there groceries. Guess that’s why I find myself shopping in the wee hours.

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