I Got Nuthin’, and I’m Not Ashamed to Admit It (With a Jaw Dropping Announcement!!!)

(Stay Tuned to the End of this Post for a Very Important Announcement from Our Sponsor)

I got nuthin’.

I mean it, not a fucking thing.

Nada, Zilch, Zippo, Jack, Squat, Zero. The Cupboard is Bare, Barren, a Virtual Wasteland.

Well, I do have this…

A Veggie Dog on a Plate.

What the Fuck?

Maybe I can put it on Ebay, and call it Art.

Or, better yet, I can carve a little mouth, and eyes into it, and tell people for only $47.62, it will Predict Their Future.

Or maybe, I could take him to “Dirty Kroger,” in my pants, and let him fall out while standing in the Check Out Line.

“Holy Toledo! Either that man just took a Shit, or his Dick Fell OFF! Quick, get me a Ziploc…and some Tongs!”

I told you, I Got Nuthin’.

Oh, I also have these-

Play-Doh SpongeBob
(Old SpongeBob is looking Rough)

Play-Doh Patrick

Play-Doh Squidworth

Play-Doh SpongeBob, Play-Doh Patrick, and Play-Doh Squidworth Frollicking

I’d say that’s enough for one day.

!!Very Important Announcement!!

Okay Kids, Jonestown is kicking off its Tri-Weekly- Bi-Quarterly-Semi- Annual Membership Drive, and We Need Your Pledge!

As you know, Jonestown works tirelessly to provide you with Quality, Free Entertainment that the Entire Family can Enjoy, like the Program You just Viewed, and Now it’s Your Turn to Let Us Know How Much You Appreciate Our Toil, and Effort by Giving Something Back.

Jonestown is currently 20, 15, 10, 5 Comments away from 5000, and whether you’re a Regular or First Time Viewer, we need you to Step Up to the Plate, and make yourself Heard.

Bob, from Rapture, MO., is Kicking Off the Morning Drive with this Pledge-

“I got my hand on my Cock, and I’m Ready to Rock!”

As an Incentive, our 5000th Commenter will receive a 3 day, 2 night stay with Mr. Veggie Dog at the Holidome in Bowling Green, Kentucky, all the Veggie Dog Lovin’ One Person Can Handle, and an Autographed picture.

Our Super Team Members are Waiting Anxiously at the Phones to Hear From You, So, Don’t Be Shy People, let America know, Hell, Let Everyone Know-

“I’m Sick of Your Shit, and I Ain’t Drinking Your Kool-Aid No More!”

***Offer is not valid in the United States, Canada, Great Britain, Puerto Rico, or Texas. Contest rules, and regulations are subject to change without prior written notice. Jonestown, and any of its Affiliates, is not responsible for your Mental, and/or Physical Well Being while in the Company of Mr. Veggie Dog. Mr. Veggie Dog is a Repeat Felon, and is on Probation in 11 States, and Two Provinces in Canada. Contest Winner must agree, in Writing, to Accept Any, and All Consequences,and that they Will Not Hold It Against Jonestown should they be shot down in Cold Blood during a Drug Deal Gone Awry.

Two comment limit per visitor.

Possible Side Effects Include- Chlamydia, Hepatitis A, B, and G, 10-20 years in a Penitentiary, Runny Nose, Aching Joints, Gout, Sore Pinky Toe, Acne Vulgaris, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Marfan Syndrome, Constipation, Diarrhea, Lupus, Venereal Warts (HPV), Meth Addiction, Insomnia, Anxiety, Depression, Low Self-Esteem, Parvo, Münchhausen Syndrome by Proxy, Apoplexy, Hair Loss, Weight Gain, Rapid Weight Loss (Due to Methamphetamine Abuse), Insanity, Nervousness, Uncontrollable Tics, Grand Mal Seizures, Tooth Decay, Horse Breath, and Generalized Numbness.

Check the Back of the Box for further Details, or Visit our Sister Website at http://www.-

(Here’s a Little Linky Love, and Alliteration, to show How Much We Care)



~ by fairlane on July 7, 2008.

33 Responses to “I Got Nuthin’, and I’m Not Ashamed to Admit It (With a Jaw Dropping Announcement!!!)”

  1. Eat up, Bitches.



  2. Hmm. All I got is this wierd little mustard in this unbelievably small jar that has this crazy unreadable euro-style kinda writing on it and I think it has HORSERADISH in it, which would be cool to go with that veggie dog, and I also have this strange color of play-DOH that no one else has ever seen before either, but the beam-it-over-to-your-blog function on my PC is whacked for now, so in all reality I got nothing either. Damn.

  3. You’re so crazy fairlane.

  4. If you could convince everyone that your veggie dog has the image of some obscure saint on it you might do well on ebay. I would recommend not mentioning the “down your pants” experiment though, exposure to skin and body heat can really decrease the resolution and subsequent value of any saintly apparition.

  5. Please buy a video camera for your visits to the “Dirty Kroger.”

    Incidentally, I ate a veggie dog that looked like that (actually two) dipped in a mix of mustard and horseradish.

    True, but I didn’t get to play with Spongebob Playdoh. But, Sunday night was Spongebob Monopoly.

    -Why did I tame down my second sentence urge? Idk, maybe it’s ’cause I’ve got a thing for Patrick and I’m keeping myself salty.

  6. How in the world do you find the time to blog?

    That veggie thing looks so incredibly appetizing!

  7. // $47.62, it will Predict Their Future. //

    No way am I gonna let a Weinie tell my fortune for $47.62!!! uh-uh…….not a chance! Now maybe at $23.44 we could start talking..IF it was all meat thingee, like a bratwurst or somehting,..but $47.62 for a fortune from a VEGGIE DOG…..shit&stuff….the last time a Weinie did my fortune alla I got was a war in Iraq and it cost like, I dunno, $534 Billion,
    and the saurekraut was EXTRA. No sirree, I’m just saying NO to Weinie Fortunes &stuff!

  8. Dude, that’s obviously an image of Jesus’ wang. You could easily eBay that sucker.

  9. “image of Jesus’ wang” ??? what ???

    anyway, moving on.

    personally, i don’t understand this whole thing of burgers and hotdogs that are … hey, let’s “be real here” … neither burgers nor hot dogs.

    ok. so you’re a vegetarian. fine. so am i. mostly. but anyway. why do you need to have a vegetarian chicken sandwich? or vegetarian sausages? tofurky??? it makes no sense to me.

    anyway. do i win the prize?




  10. You call that nothin? Holy schnikes! I call that funny! Now stop it with the wienie jokes I almost burned out my keyboard! From here on out please place a warning label or something before my pea-brain begins digesting such things!

    I wish the offer was good in the US. Maybe I can get my international friends to send me a couple.

  11. Okay, here’s my second post, but I win that veggie dog, I’m throwing it out a window at a hitchhiker.

  12. If you’ve got a veggie wiener, you’ve got all you need.

    (Thanks for the link. Perhaps my lazy ass should come here and write something again. I could write about wieners, no problem.)

  13. Put it on a stick, Fairlane. But I give you that advice all the time.



  14. Gees, what Anita said, “tofurky”! Break me up. Think I’m gonna walk into mCdOnalds and order a coupla Tofurkys to go. WHATTA great word….gees, you could use it, like say, a team name, too!
    The Toledo Fighting Tofurkys!

    //Two comment limit per visitor.// What? I have to shop-lift the rest if I want more? Tofurky, gees! 😉

  15. you realize if you eat the veggie weiner you supporting all the vegoterrorists of the world

    you want to see how corn really pops?

  16. Ten– In my old age, I’ve come to the conclusion that things are much easier to eat if they’re on a Stick.

    Un-Con– You gave it the old College Try, and that’s all I ask.

    – Have you been listening to my Voices again?

    Lying, fucking RATS!

    – I found that out the hard way.

    I now have an image of St. Francis on my left thigh.

    – I hear Patrick loves his married women covered in Salt.

    – I have “Carry Over Minutes.”

    Doesn’t it?

    – Would you eat in a Box, would you eat it with a Fox, would you eat in on a Train, could you would you on a Plane?

    – How dare you take the Lord’s Vein in Vain.

    – One word, LAZINESS.

    Throw it in the Mic, and, Zippo-Bango we have Lunch.

    Poetry– The offer is Extra Special Good in Bangladesh.

    Scarlet– That’s very generous of you to feed the hungry.

    You truly are a Saint.

    – Yes, perhaps your “Lazy Ass” should 😉

    Come On People, Only Ten More To Go!!

  17. I see your holy veggie dog and raise you a virgin mary tortilla!
    Don’t make me bring out the devilish cheezonnastik.. It ain’t pretty.

  18. Did I win? Eating Veggie Weiners in Bowling Green sounds like…um….um… it’ll come to me wait…. ah damn it. Victory? Thanks for link, boss.

  19. ok, here is my comment. go vegetarians! and thanks for the linky love dude.

  20. The BVM is forever hanging out on grease stains somewhere.

    When I was a kid, I remember some sunday news magazine really did send a camera crew to look at a Micky D wrapper that alledgedly had a grease stain that resembled the BVM. To me, it just looked like a greasy piece of paper.

    I got into trouble for calling her the BVM, but not as much trouble as I did for calling the holy ghost The Bird. When we saw the statue of Leda and the Swan, I asked if that was The Bird raping the BVM.

    I never had to go back to Sunday school again.



  21. oh gees, Holy Veggie Hot Dog! Virgin Mary Tortilla! Ana if ya put them together, what? An Immaculate Misconception?

  22. Damn. I was hoping to be #5. Looks like you got 5,000, my friend. Kudos.

  23. ¿Can I haz da dawg?

  24. Ignore that last comment.

  25. I really think it only fitting that the 5000th comment should be made by one who is not playing by the rules.

  26. Drink up Bitches.

  27. Ah ‘jes got’s ta have tha’ weiner.

    -Florence Joe

  28. And the Winner is…(Wait for it)…(Drum Roll)…(Hysterical Applause)…(Scantily Clad Dancers)…(Whoopi Goldberg approaching the stage)…(Security Tackling Whoopi Goldberg)…(Whoopi Goldberg in Cuffs)…(More Scantily Clad Dancers)…

    And the Winner of Jonestown’s Tri-Weekly-Bi-Quarterly-Semi-Annual Membership Drive, and Mr. Veggie Dog Weekend Extravaganza is…

    Freida Bee aka Flo’ Joe!!!

    Now, if Freida would be so kind as to send Mr. Veggie Dog a handful of Photos to show him just how Excited she is to be the Winner/Wiener, along with a check for $1200 to Cover the Cost of the Room, Food, and Booze (You didn’t think We Were Paying, Did You?) we can get this show on the Road.

    Congratulations to Fredia (I’m positive you two will be very happy together), and thanks to everyone who participated, and helped make our Tri-Weekly-Bi-Quarterly-Semi-Annual Membership Drive a Rousing Success.

    To those who Didn’t Participate…

    Maybe it’s time for me to take a Gander at thee ol’ Blogroll. I mean, if you’re Too Cool to participate, maybe you’re just Too Cool, Period.

    And you know how I hate Fucking Frat Boys.

    (If you happened to be busy, out of town, ill, in jail or if you have some other Valid Reason for not Participating, I guess we can give you a Free Pass. This time).

  29. Aw shit. I won! Ah hasn’t been so ‘cited since Hooters made me ‘ployee a tha Month las’ week!!!

    Is video okay? Ah’ll put out a special tip jar on the bar ta get’s ma weiner money. You won’t be sorry ah was you’s 5000th customer.

  30. Freida? Frieda? That java swillin’ hussy won! Now dag nabbit! I’s shore I’s gonna win that there wiener! Frieda, congrats, hooters girl! How `bout nex’ time youns offer a EMU wiener? Dey’s scrumptious! Hoooo weeee dey is!

  31. Freida- Again, congratulations. It was definitely a close call, but,in the end, you just wanted it more, and that’s the sign of a true champion.

    I hope you, and Mr. V.D. are very happy.

    Poetry- I apologize, but let’s be honest, Freida works at Hooters, and you, well, you’re a man.

    No offense.

  32. Hey, too late for me to win but not too late for me to congratulate Freida and thank Fairlane for the link! You both rock!

  33. Maui- It’s always nice to hear from you.

    And you’re welcome.

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