All Ashore Who’s Going Ashore!

Before I begin today’s Episode, let me Thank Everyone for participating in the Little Sociological Experiment I like to call, Jonestown.

As you may, or may not know, Jonestown Reached the 5000 Comment Mark earlier this week. Of all our Accomplishments, and God knows they are Too Numerous to Count, this is the one I’m most Proud.

Muchas Gracias Amigos y Amigas.

Now, let’s begin.

I hate Pauly Shore.

I mean, I Fucking Despise that Hack.

One of my good friends thinks Pauly Shore, along with Jim Carrey, Adam Sandler, and Carrot Top, is “Hilarious.”

Personally, I find such admissions Offensive, and have given a Great Deal of Thought to Ending our Friendship over this issue.

Pauly Shore is not Funny.

But he’s more than Not Funny.

He’s Symptomatic of a much Larger Problem in this Country, and Maybe the World.

(To all Wingnuts, if you want to End Abortion, here’s your Man. After watching one of his movies, people will stop having Sex out of Sheer Terror)

Scarlet, my Auburn Haired Empress, and I were recently discussing Pauly Shore, and the “movie”- Bio-Dome.

According to Wikipedia, Bio-Dome is the “Worst” reviewed movie in History with a Domestic Take of only 12 and a quarter million dollars (No info as to how much Shore made, but, Remember, he was considered “Hot” around this time, so, I imagine the Sphincter did alright for himself).

I won’t tell you that My Empress admitted she kind of liked his movies, but I will say, during our conversation, I experienced Severe Chest Pains.

Pauly Shore is beyond Explanation.

He’s so Heinous, so Insulting, so Insipid, so Asinine, so Moronic, so Utterly Dipshitty, that attempting to Express His Perniciousness is equivalent to describing the Concept of Eternity.

It cannot be done, at least, not by Mortals.

“S’Up, Bud?”

While “researching” for my post, I stumbled upon this Review of Bio-Dome-

“This film is bitchin! Pauly Shore with his ability to destroy any script steals the show from every other cast member, including stars with amazing film pedigree like Kylie Minogue (Street Fighter).”

“Amazing film Pedigree.” Street Fighter

Out of respect for the Reviewer’s Parents, I’ll refrain from posting his name (If I did, I’d be tempted to find out where he lives, and pass along the info to one of the Gangstas with whom I used to Work).

Do you understand the Threat this poses to All of Us, America?

I’m not being Histrionic when I say, Fuck Al-Qaida, this is the Real Threat to our National Security.

The Enemy is Within, and he has a Perm.

Think I’m Exaggerating?

Here’s an Excerpt from another Review-

“I’m happy to admit: I think Pauly Shore is a genius!”

Notice the Exclamation Point.

Einstein, Sir Issac Newton, Da Vinci, and Dave Chappelle are Geniuses.

But This?

“Rock On, Dude.”

Speaking of the “Gifted.”

Paris Hilton made an appearance on David Letterman Thursday.

She was there to Pimp her new Product Lines-

Hair Extensions, and Dog Clothing.

This is what it says on her “Paris Extended” website-

“Everyone should get the chance to be me. That’s why I created the world’s hottest hair extensions. Choose from ten fabulous shades and you will be a clip away from hotness.”

Excuse me for a moment. I need to Gather Myself…

Okay, I was able to at least un-ball My Fists enough to continue typing.

“Hey, is that a Praying Mantis in a Bathing Suit holding a Sandwich?”

America, forget the War in Iraq, the Recession, Chimpy Mc Stagger, and the Sell Out Democratic Party.

Wars end, Recessions Pass, Chimpy, and the Democrats, well, they’re not going anywhere, but we have a more Pressing Problem.

There’s SOMETHING Seriously Wrong with US!!

Now, please, don’t get all Defensive. We should know one another well enough, at this point, and unless I specifically call you out, it’s Nothing Personal.

I, as hard as it is to admit, am Somewhat Guilty, too (I said, “Somewhat”).

America, We’re Retarded.

Seriously.

Look around you, and you’ll see that we’re Drowning in Our Own Puddles of Drool.

Paris saying everyone should have a chance to be Her is, 15 Years Too Late.

We already are Her.

I’m not saying we should Sit Around in Smoking Jackets, discussing Hegel’s Phenomenology of Spirit.

That’s a bunch of Horseshit, as well.

Being concerned about the Epidemic of Dumbass, does not imply one must be a Supercilious Twit.

But something has to Give.

Is anyone really Surprised that for Seven Plus Years (Seems like my Entire Fucking Life), Chimpy Mc Stagger has sat at the Desk in the Oval Office?

Really?

Isn’t Chimpy the Logical Conclusion to our Sudden, and Steep Decline?

After all, if we’re Stupid, doesn’t it make sense that our Leaders should also be Stupid?

I just don’t believe anyone, and I mean Anyone, has a Right to act Surprised.

Chimpy is what he is, a Chimpy.

Twenty years ago he was a Chimpy, 30 years ago he was a Chimpy, 40 years ago he was a Chimpy, and 20 years from now, he’ll Still Be a Chimpy.

Chimpy is, as Chimpy does.

He didn’t Sneak Up on Us.

Oh, no.

Mediocrity emanates from him like Radiation from the Hydrogen Bomb.

We saw him coming, and we said, “Gosh, I hope he chooses Pauly Shore as his Running Mate, then we can have Two Regular Guys running the Show. That’d be Hilarious!”

Yeah, it’s Real Fucking Funny.

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~ by fairlane on July 12, 2008.

22 Responses to “All Ashore Who’s Going Ashore!”

  1. I’m right here in the middle of it. It stinks and it makes me itch.

  2. You called him Chimpy McStagger?

    My work is done here, I can die a happy man.

    Regards,

    Tengrain

  3. Best piece ever. And I’m not talking about Paris’ ass. My gut hurts from laughing and then you knifed me at the end and twisted just a millimeter. But hard enough to make me so sad I think I’ll have to go watch Chat Stew on the tv.

  4. A-yup.

    Another homerun, Fairlane.

  5. What. You. Said.

  6. Who is this Pauly Shore?
    Isn’t Paris Hilton a hotel in France?
    America has a President called Chimpy McStagger?

    I think I will return to the home planet now and tell them you people are not yet ready for the Multispecies Cultural Uplift of Galactic Consciousness. We shall return to this cluster in a cosmic year to investigate your progress.

  7. I think Jim Carrey early on was pretty damned funny.

    But Pauly Shore and Adam Sandler? I don’t get and I want to smack them in the head when I see them. It’s a visceral response and not altogether rational.

    Have you seen Carrot Top lately? Too many hours in the gym and Botox in his face. Dude looks like a species from Alpha Centauri.

    Paris Hilton. Well, she sure gets a lot of dick which says sumpin’ about straight guys, doesn’t it?

  8. I bared my soul to you with that information, and you TOLD THE WORLD!

    If the Vin Diesel thing comes out, I am so DONE with you!

    I didn’t like Bio-Dome; it was really, truly horrific. I only copped to Son-in-Law and Jury Duty and In the Army or whatever that one was. AND THEN, I even qualified my opinion by stating that they were godawful. I just found them funny in a godawful way. (Besides, who holds more Razzies than Pauly?)

    That was before Xanax. I was borderline hysterical.

    BUT Encino Man is a masterpiece!

    Secrets told under the influence should be kept…under the influence? Well, that doesn’t make any sense, but I don’t think anybody’s expecting me to make any sense NOW. THANKS. TO. YOU!

  9. I’m retarded. I’ll own it.

  10. I don’t know what your problem is, but I laughed at the last 7+ years. But then again, I’m drunk a lot. Phe-nom-en-owl-o-gee, buuuuuudeeee.

  11. To be fair, I have to believe that most people do not like pauly shore. He was a fad, like Bart Sompson’s “don’t have a cow, man”.

    I don’t even think pauly shore likes the pauly shore image… as evidenced by the pauly shore is dead mockumentary… which isn’t very funny either.

    Do you like how I capitalized Bart Simpson, and not pauly shore?

    Total accident.

  12. america jumped the shark with the introduction of ewoks. nothing will surprise from here on out… even jar-jar.

  13. fairlane – our collectie ineptitude is symptomatic of a larger problem, a problem that has plagued humanity for millenia.
    Stupidity.
    In its current version it seems to be contagious. it seems to be able to actually take a smart child and turn him/her into a dumb irrational, adult.
    Stupidity is why we do not run our cars on water. For a very small population it is greed but for the rest of us it is plain stupidity.
    The downside is devastating…Pauly Shore, Flava Flav, Gallagher, Gilbert Godfried and the cast of American Idol.
    There isn’t much time.

  14. As I recall, the reason Pauly Shore got a shot at comedy and movies is because his mother owns a big comedy outlet in LA. The W factor at play–it is who you know.
    And Tengrain, my favorite W nickname was coined by TBogg who called him Chimpy McCokespoon.

  15. You are right fairlane – Chimpy McStagger did not sneak up on us. But just like Pauly Shore he was THRUST on us, whether we liked it or not. That’s why goons and bullies pick on the smart kids first, then threaten the dummies and the threatening works.

    The trick of it all is to prick these pricks from under the radar, and shine a bunch of light on them. Hopefully they’ll scurry back under the rocks from which they came and suffer ignobly forever.

  16. hmmmmmm this was all very interesting. And informative. I used to think Pauly Shore was the name of the beach on Lake Superior just outside of Duluth. Boy. Learn sumptin everyday!!

  17. Oh, com ON. Like Pauly is as bad as Chimpy. On what planet?

  18. D.B.D,

    I gotta call you out on Gilbert Godfried. The man is a genius. Check out his roast of Hugh Heffner for a taste. People get too caught up in his cartoonish voice.

  19. Fucking great.

  20. “Epidemic of Dumbass.” Yup. No other way to put it. That’s what has plagued this country for so long and it completely explains how W got elected. How do we sterilize this contagion? Is it too late?

    Btw, “Praying Mantis” is a perfect description for PH.

  21. D– Have you tried Benadryl?

    Ten– I’ll let you know when your time is up, until then, get back to work.

    Utah
    – Don’t give up hope, there’s always Hope. Obama said so.

    Bob (Phy)– I’m glad you enjoyed, and it’s very nice to hear from you again.

    Hope all is well in N.C.

    Gine– Thanks for stopping in, I apologize about the mess. The maid was deported.

    Susan– I’M READY!! PLEASE, TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!

    Christopher– Let’s not cast aspersions on all straight guys, now. I find her repulsive.

    And you’re right, Carrot Top looks like a damn freak. I wonder if he has Body Dysmorphic Syndrome?

    Scarlet– You were “Under the Influence?”

    You promised me it was over between you two, YOU PROMISED!!!!*#(*#

    A. F.L.– The first sign of not being “Retarded” is, Admission.

    Randal– Laughter, as they say, is the best medicine. Of course, I must assume they’ve never tried Dilaudid.

    Cowboy– All I know is, he’s a millionaire several times over, and considering entrance to one of his movies was exactly $1, that means at least 2 million Americans went to see them.

    kreplech
    – Damn, I forgot all about “Jar-Jar” (Actually, I didn’t forget, I paid someone to bash me over the head with a tire iron).

    Thanks.

    Dave
    – Damn, I forgot all about Galagher, as well. (Same tire iron).

    Mother Fucker!

    What did I ever do to you?!!

    Pissed
    – His mother should be arrested for Crimes Against Humanity.

    Un-Con– I was thinking along the lines of a Laser Beam. Can we use a Laser, please, please, can we?

    I promise to clean my room.

    Okjimm– As you know, Education is very important to the members of Jonestown.

    Why, our motto is “No Child’s Left Behind…or Right One.”

    A.F.L.
    – Honestly, I think it’s pretty close.

    Cowboy– Godfried’s not as bad as Shore or Gallagher, but then again, who is?

    Suzi
    – Glad you enjoyed.

  22. Gives a whole new meaning to washed up…

    But we all know that Pauly wasn’t even in the greatest movie of all time! Top Gun! What a riveting piece of film mastery! Or, as I like to call it, “A riveting piece of shit”!

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