I HATE INDIAN FOOD

…and if you have a problem with that, fvck you.

It’s okay for me to say that–now. But in the future? Will we follow the lead of the National Children’s Bureau in Britain, which recently sent out a 366-page guide to the staff of pre-schools (according to the Telegraph), titled Young Children and Racial Justice?

“Racist incidents among children in early years settings tend to be around name-calling, casual thoughtless comments and peer group relationships.”

It advises nursery teachers to be on the alert for childish abuse such as: “blackie”, “Pakis”, “those people” or “they smell”.

The guide goes on to warn that children might also “react negatively to a culinary tradition other than their own by saying ‘yuk'”.

Of course, the NCB says the content has been misrepresented in the media, and the book is really a guide for teachers in their efforts to educate young children at a stage in life when they are easily influenced.

Here’s some news for the NCB in Britain: your ability to influence the dietary preferences of a 3 y.o. is seriously limited. And if you try feeding something to a 1 y.o. that he doesn’t want, be prepared to wear it.
A couple of years ago, Obi-wan was in a class with a student from another culture. I won’t say which one. The family had not been in this country long. Toward the end of the school year, during a party, the mother of this child brought in a dish from her home country.

Now, I’m usually up for trying new foods, so I was interested to see this dish. I wasn’t paying much attention as the plate was passed, and then suddenly it was on Obi-wan’s desk, where I was sitting with Anakin on my knee, Obi-wan next to me….I swear to you, whatever that was, on that plate, it looked exactly, precisely like even little rows of blackish-brown cat poopies about 2 1/2 inches long and glistening with fresh digestive juices. I swallowed my bile and took one and placed it on my plate. I glanced at Obi-wan, who was staring wide-eyed at me, and he said one word, under his breath but FIRMLY: “NO.” Anakin was staring at me like he had a butcher knife hidden under his shirt and would, if forced, pull it out and carve me up like a turkey dinner. I quietly passed the plate on. I sat there for a minute, with my cat poop in front of me and tried to think of it as something other than cat poo. Finally, my stomach settled a bit, and I picked it up and raised it to my mouth and felt my gag response building and pretended to nibble on it. A bit later, when I was sure no one was looking, I stuffed it in a napkin and threw it away. I saw several of the children gag, too, and I know it hurt the cook’s feelings a bit. (But lady, come on. They’re 6 and 7 years old. They have not been conditioned to eat things that look like cat crap! What about some sensitivity to their cultural influences?)

On the way home, the Jedi and I talked about the proper way to decline food that you don’t want to eat, which is to simply say, “No, thank you.” They pointed out that adults will insist if you try that subtle approach, so I told them to keep saying it. I don’t think they’ve mastered that technique. In fact, I am reminded of an old friend from high school who, as far as I know, still responds with “THAT SH!T GAGS ME!” However, by the time the Jedi reach midlife, I am confident they will be able to decline unwanted food graciously. Let me tell you something: THAT CAT SH1T GAGGED ME. I am so NOT forcing myself to eat anything that gags me, and if you’re offended by that, you will just have to suck. it. up., you big a$$ baby.I don’t care where you come from.

Which reminds me of something. Awhile back, I was eating at Chinese buffet in rural Missouri (Missourians can’t get enough of those Chinese buffets. Those and Walgreen’s), and, on the buffet table, there was a stir-fried dish, the main ingrediant of which was fried frog legs.Fried frog legs rank up there with cat poop look-alikes. Not. eating. it. You may as well report me to the proper authorities now, the cultural sensitivity police or whatthefvckever. Geez, those rednecks and their fried weird stuff. What next, anyway, sweet and sour squirrel? Pigs’ feet Rangoon? I mean, I think it’s cool that they are mixing their cultures to create new dishes that they like. Sort of. Or maybe not. I’ll get back to you. I feel a little sickish thinking of those twig-like things wrapped in batter and floating in veggies.

I tried Indian food for the first time earlier this year. To be fair, it was a buffet, and it was a late lunch and most of the dishes were covered in skim stuff. But it tasted awful. I just could not eat it, although I did try. I’m really not a picky eater, but I didn’t like it. It just didn’t taste good in my mouth. My friend, whose idea it was to eat there, said that it wasn’t really representative of good Indian food, and other friends have said they love Indian food, and I should give it another try. I will. Once more. But then that’s it. If I don’t like it, we’re done, Indian food and me.

That doesn’t make me a racist. That makes me an individual with my own unique palate. As Steve Martin might say, “Well, excuuuuuuuuse me.”

But I’m not eating your cat poop.

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~ by Scarlet Blue on July 15, 2008.

40 Responses to “I HATE INDIAN FOOD”

  1. dancing in India

  2. I had an English kid in my class in 5th grade. Marmite on white bread gagged me. I’m sorry but I’ve never come across Indian cat poop food. Sorry you were introduced to Indian food that way. My kid begged me to ask my Indian friend how to make curried potatoes. Them’s some good taters & don’t need the mustard, either, 🙂

  3. Some things you just can’t force.

    We lived in the Indian/Pakistani Chicago neighborhood of Warren Park when I was pregnant with The Dancer. The smells wafting from the restaurants caused me to feel very sick more than once. Now I can’t really eat Indian food because of the scent-memory trigger.

    So I won’t hold it against you. But how do you feel about grits? Now that’s something to fight over. 😉

  4. Thank you for providing me with my first laugh of the day. But I just got home from the pharmacy with pain pills so I might be laughing more later.

    So far in my life I have been pretty much open to eating anything and most things taste good enough to me, but I’ve been smoking cigarettes since I was five. But certain textures bother me–like tripe. Not good with the tripe thing. And my liver eating days are over. Not because I stopped loving calves liver and onions or bacon. Oh no, it was because I became aware of the function of the organ and the crap we feel animals we plan to kill and eat.

    BTW, I love the scarlet letter on your bussom.

  5. Hey, I dunno, I thought Indian food was OK. I went to an Ethiopian Restaurant once, though. All I could think later was, Boy&Howdy….so that’s why they are starving. Now, not ever having met a real Ethiopian I can honestly say I never met one I didn’t like….but the food sucked.

  6. I’m guessing you need to fine a really good Indian restaurant. I try to eat Indian at least once a week. Love it. And Okjimm, there’s a local Ethiopian place that is excellent. Give it another try, but at a place that people rave about. You never know. That said, I agree about tripe. Throw in kidneys too. Can’t eat either of them.

  7. We watched ‘Rescue Dawn’ a couple of weeks ago with the most icky scene for us being the one where Christian Bale tucked into a big bowl of worms and nightcrawlers. No. Thank. You.. all the other guys said but he wanted to escape and knew he had to keep up his strength. What would any of us do under those circumstances?

    When I was a kid peanut butter and jelly sandwiches gagged me – being English I preferred watercress. It’s all a matter of habituation and association in the long run, I guess.. but I wouldn’t eat the cat poo either so long as I had a choice.

  8. Susan is correct, Peanut Butter & Jelly is disgusting.

    Indian food, on the otherhand, is fine dining.

    I can’t help but wonder how many of you meatavores eat bologna and/or hot dogs.

  9. Scarlet:

    The SF Bay Area is such a cultural melting pot, I just am so lucky to be here. The Afghan places in Fremont, the Phillipino places in Daly City, the Afrocentric places in Oakland, the Hispanic places in San Jose, the Chinese places in SF… you name it, we got it; and I am the better (and probably fatter) for it. I don’t eat red meat — ever — so I am somewhat picky, but I still can find my way around here. It is a blessing you cannot imagine to live here.

    But I’m with you on some things. Why is it that in MO everything is fried? I swear to god, I had fried corn-on-the-cob at one of the many buffets there. I think they are working on figuring out a way to fry salad. I would so rather eat something that looks like cat poop at an Indian restaraunt than just about anything battered and fried in Missouri. Actually, God willing and the creek don’t rise, I will never again eat in Missouri. Hated it. Talk about cat poop.

    Oh, try sumac rubbed chicken next time you go to an Indian restaraunt. It is very approachable for timid/beginner Indian cuisine enthusiasts.

    Regards,

    Tengrain

  10. So, I can use the word “rednecks” and nobody cares?

    Thanks, GD.

    Nunya, the cat poop wasn’t Indian. It was from another culture.

    DCup, now that you mention it, I think the smells affected me, too, and just didn’t seem appetizing.

    UT, sometimes I can eat meat and sometimes it seems icky.

    I’ve never had Ethiopian food, Jimm. I’ve had Jamaican food, which is often HOT. You have to have lots of water with it.

    Pissed in NY, I hear there is a good Indian restaurant up in the city. I may give it a try.

    Susan: I do NOT want to see Christian Bale eating worms. How would I ever be able to fantasize about him again?

    fairlane, I do NOT eat bologna OR hot dogs. Those happen to be the very two foods I hate the most, I believe. I can’t stand the smell of either one.

    Tengrain, St. Louis offers more diversity in dining that the rest of the state, I would imagine. But you reminded of the point that really bothers me, and that is that even having food preferences now isn’t politically correct.

  11. Kiddo, I love Jamaican! In the past would go to Minneapolis (which has some GREAT different ethnic restaurants….Thai, Hispanic…) Lately have been eating at a local Hmong place…..on our raft trip up north we stopped at a Native American stand for Fry Bread ‘tacos’. The Ethiopian….ya, maybe again….but not soon. Shit, now I’m hungry.

  12. Maybe it’s Americanized all to hell, but I love the Indian food at our Indian restaurants here in Huntsville, Alabama. Good stuff.

  13. I love all food that comes in pie form.

  14. fairlane, you’re on something illegal. Peanut butter and jelly is good. And so is friend bologna, I don’t care that it’s made out of hog anus, rat dropping and the hair off the back of Joey from Noo Yawk. Still cleaner than the toxic shit I inhale on the bus ride to/from work every day.

    Of course, dead cow is the best food around.

  15. OK, I agree with Randal…Peanut Butter & jelly is great…and so are peanut butter and banana sandwichs…..but gees, buddy, what is “Friend Bologna”…a meat in detente? 🙂

  16. I used to had the same repulsion for Indian food as well, that is until I had the good fortune to visit the country and get a taste of the authentic stuff. It was an eye-opening experience because the food I ate resembled nothing of the smelly, discolored, cat crap you encountered. In the end, eat what ya’ like and walk past the dishes that don’t suit you. What kind of world would it be if all we eat is PBnJ sandwiches?

  17. “It didn’t taste good in my mouth.”

    Where the hell have I heard that before… hmmmmm…

  18. Jimm, I like the Jamaican food; I just need a lot of water with it. 😉 Speaking of Jamaicans and Latinos…. My Jamaican students have all been repulsed by hamburgers and cheeseburgers (and I remember when I was in Jamaican, our cab driver begged us not to go to Burger King and eat “nah-sty cheeseburger”), but the Latin American students love that McDonald’s. Cultural differences do keep things interesting.

    I’ve been to Huntsville, Reasic. On purpose! Actually, I wanted to take my little boy to the U.S. Space and Rocket Center, which was well-worth it. I’d love to take them both to the Space Camp there, too. Anyway, there was a lot to do down there, and I enjoyed it. I didn’t eat any Indian food, although the hotel was owned and operated by Indians and they provided a continental breakfast. Does that count? The Yoplait was good.

    UC, that sounds suspiciously American to me.

    RG, you’re making me sick. I’m not sure that’s appropriate in my own comment thread. Besides, as I recall, I gave up blogging about man boobs just for you.

    OKJIMM, that’s just great. Now I’ve got strawberry vodka on my computer screen. “Detente.” I can’t stop laughing. Go away, you!
    (For lunch today, I sliced a banana in two long-ways and put a nice thin layer of PB in between those two. It was good. The Jedi gagged.)

    Spart, I’m with you. Excellent points. What kind of world, indeed?

    Cowboy the Cat, to my knowledge, we have never met before. You must be thinking of someone else. Although I hear it’s a common sentiment. (I mean, not just YOU, but, you know, in general…. Never mind.)

  19. okjimm, friend bologna is like mystery meat. Guess which friend was ground up!

    SWB, that’s right, you did. I apologize. Now, let’s talk about what’s actually in hot dogs!

  20. OK, Randal, where do you get ‘Friend Bologna’? Atta Alferd Packer Delicatessen?

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alferd_Packer

    …and seriously, I hadda pick up some PB on the way home cause I gotsa lotta bananas and jelly at home. Sorry Fairlane. It is what it is.

  21. Yes, Scarlett, you definitely need to give Indian food another chance. And stay away from the buffets!

    Basmati rice can be like heaven with the right sauces and condiments.

  22. Nasty PB&J, Bologna, and Hot Dog eating Mother Fuckers.

  23. and don’t forget to try a nice watercress sandwich..

  24. Gees, Fairlane……”Nasty PB&J, Bologna, and Hot Dog eating Mother Fuckers.” hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, good thing we are people you like, for the most part,;)……hey and susan did offer a nice watercress sandwich and golly the tomatoes are starting to ripen, you can have a lettuce and tomatoe sandwich. a nice one &stuff 🙂

  25. i’ve been eating loads of vegetable sandwiches these days. watercress. yum! everybody seems to be blogging about food these days.

  26. Okjimm- You know “Mother Fuckers,” in this case, is a Term of Endearment.

  27. i think it’s “mutha fuckers” not “mother fuckers” … fairlane, you need to work on your street cred.

    😉

  28. lemmee try it, see if I can get it right…..’Yo, mutha fuckas….where yat?’ 😉

  29. …and I love basmati rice….excellent with Friend Bolgna sandwichs

  30. JIMM, if you and RG don’t stop making bologna out of your friends, you’re going to get very lonely.

  31. But they’re so tasty!

  32. i didn’t even know people ate bologna any more. that’s how out of touch i am.

  33. in other words, i thought it was determined long ago to be hazardous to one’s health (i.e., HAZMAT).

  34. I LOVE INDIAN FOOD! But it was an acquired taste. Bologna is the food of the devil.

  35. Sorry Scarlet, I misread. Believe me there are many foods from different cultures that I’ve tried and go running if I see them again. Grape leaves (the Greek relatives aren’t thrilled with that, but who cares?), menudo (tripe soup, some people swear it cures hangovers, but why vomit twice?), and the ubiquitous fish sauce necessary for many Asian dishes is so gross that I fear I will never be a great Asian cook. I can’t eat stuff that made me gag whilst preparing it.

  36. ps, I’m really stumped on what culture the cat poo came from, lol.

  37. Nunya, I have never seen grape leaves prepared by Greeks, but don’t you think some stuffed grape leaves resemble cat poop?

  38. i hate having indian food everyday

  39. I was not a great fan of Indian food when i was a kid,but i love these days,they are so yummy,My wife and kids also love them.We have it every weekend.Find a nice restaurant and try,I am sure you would love it.some cannot relish it.But most of them i have met do love Indian dishes.

    well there are many people who cannot have Italian food too.so there are always an exceptions among certain group of people.

  40. […] just remembered (Insert Female Name of Your Choice…Here) was really looking forward to having Indian Food. You’ll eat Indian , won’t […]

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