If I Were a Rich Man, I Probably Wouldn’t Write This Crap, but I’m Not, So, I Do, and if You Want Me to Stop, I Suggest You Send Money

I’m one of those people who believes the “Ideal” Candidate is someone who combines the Best of Both Parties. Now, I’m not talking about some Lame Ass “Centrist,” but someone who takes the Extremes from both the Left, and the Right, puts them in a Food Processor set on “Finely Chopped,” adds a pinch of Salt, a dash of Tequila, a Quaalude or Three, and then throws in a Chipotle Pepper for a Little Zing-A-Rama.

For example-

I’m crazy, don’t laugh, Crazy People need Love too, oh, and Extra Haldol in their Corn Flakes. Anyway. Because of my Mental Disorder I fit Seamlessly into the Mix with the Majority of Wingnuts in America, who, by definition, are, Clinically Insane.

I’d have No Trouble at all coming together with my Wingding Brethren, and Forming an Un-Breakable Alliance.

Let me paint you a Picture-

Imagine, if you will, me sitting in the Halls of Wingnutttia, whilst the Wingnuts reminisce about Noah, and his Arks, the Crashing Economy, and Pending Armageddon…What? You didn’t know that Noah had more than One Ark?

See, this is why you need to Stay Away until the Meeting is Over.

Seriously, let me do the Talking or you’re going to Fuck this Up.

As I was saying, Noah had more than one Ark. I know you only hear about the one, the REALLY FUCKING GIGANTIC ONE, that held Two of Every Animal. But, Noah also had a Much Smaller Ark.

To put it into Modern Context, it was about as big, or small, as a Pack of Squares (That’s cigarettes for you non-Hipsters).

What was in this Ark you did not ask?

Well, the one thing Noah loved more than Animals. In fact, rumor has it that Noah even loved this particular thing more than Jesus, but don’t say anything because Jesus has some self-esteem issues after that whole “Crucifixion” scene went down.

Who wouldn’t?

Here’s how I imagine the conversation between Jesus, and His Father went-


“Yeah, Pop? (It’s a little known fact that Jesus called God, “Pop.” It’s also a little known fact that he got the name “Pop” from Meathead on All in the Family).

“Look, I need you to do me a favor.”

“Okay, what is it?”

“Well, I need you to go down to Earth, you know, the place where I sent part of myself to live, and help me out.”

“What happened?”

“Well, apparently, part of myself disagrees with another part of myself, and instead of listening to the self that myself should listen too, it’s listening to another part of myself that it Should Not listen too, and now I need to send yet another part of myself down to Earth to help the Self that needs to be helped, and to punish the Self that won’t listen to itself. I know it doesn’t makes sense, but, I need you to go. Are you up to it?”

“Why don’t you go?”

“If I go, Myself will recognize me, and refuse to listen to anything I tell myself.”

“Alrighty, sure Pop, I’ll do whatever you say, or is it we say or I…me…or…this is all so terribly confusing.”

“Oh, one more thing. Myself, Ourself, the Self that is not with the Self’s Program, is going to Kill You. I apologize ahead of Time.”

“Crap. I just remembered. I have Tuba practice, and then we have that Mid-Term coming up next week…”

Right, I’m Rambling. What was in the Ark?

Didn’t you already ask me that question?

Damn, give me a chance to Fucking answer, Stalin.

(Drum Roll Please)

In his second Ark, Noah had…wait for it…can you feel the tension building?…almost there…almost there…use the force Luke…trust, your feelings (Actually, never trust your feelings. They’re fucking LIARS!)…okay.

In the second Ark, Noah had…one of each color Skittle. TA-DA! Glad you waited?

I guess he planned on breeding them once the Flood was Over. Apparently, Skittles are Asexual.

I know, who knew?

The man Loved him some Skittles. In a way it makes sense, Noah received the Rainbow Sign from God, and Skittles are a Rainbow of Yummy Deliciousness.

There you go, who knew this was an Educational blog?

Seriously, who knew? Raise your Hand.

You’re kidding, right?

Look, if you want an education, I suggest you enter the “Intelligent Design Theorist Program” because we don’t need, or want, any of you Sissy School Nerds hanging around Mucking Up the Place with all your Fancy Lingo, and Smarty Pants math Skills.

Got it?


So, where was I?

No, that’s not right.

Let me see, Hmmmm.

I know, I was doing something that had to do with something or was it, or other?


Right, right, now I remember.

We were talking about how much we enjoy a Nicely Shaped Ass.

Gratuitous Ass Shot


So, the Wingdings are yakking on, and on about Arks, and “Covenants,” and “Deadly Sins,” and what not, and I’m explaining how last Thursday my Lighter was telling me that despite their fast start, the Chicago White Sox are going to Fade in the Second Half of the Season because they’re Cursed.

Did I mention it was my Green Lighter? If not, it was. My Zippo won’t speak to me. In fact, I think he hates me, and only hangs around because he has a thing for one of my Sisters. Then again, this is Kentucky, and who in my Family doesn’t? I mean, She’s HOT!!!!

See? We fit together like a Glove on a Spoon.

What? Like you never put a Glove on a Spoon, and pretended it was the Big Headed Cheerleader from Home Room?


I know what you’re Thinking, so Stop.

“There’s no way this Jackass can bring this plan together. He’s Fucking Nuts, and we all know while Liberals Might Feel Sorry for the Mentally Challenged, they don’t actually Spend Time with Them. That’s Gross. Jiminey Jackalope, how’s he going to Pull this Off?!!”

No worries Mates, and Matettes.

Here’s how it’s done.

Last night I visited a Liberal friend of mine.

And she asks-

“Does Pizza sound okay?”

“Pizza sounds great.”

“Hmmm, pizza does sound great, but Pasta sounds even better.”

“Pasta is fine.”

“Now that I think about it, I’ve really been wanting to try that new Chinese restaurant. Is that alright with you?”

“Sure, I can get the Veggie Fried Rice.”

“I’m sorry, but I just remembered (Insert Female Name of Your Choice…Here) was really looking forward to having Indian Food. You’ll eat Indian , won’t you?”

“Indian, African, Asian, European, Native American, Russian, hell, I’ve eaten them all. In fact, as long as you don’t bring Impeachment to the Table, we’re Cool.”

I know, I know, I’m a Genius.

You can Thank Me Later.

While we’re Waiting, how about a little-

Did you ever write a post, and ask yourself, “Why?,” and more importantly, “Where did that come from?”

Me neither.


~ by fairlane on July 19, 2008.

15 Responses to “If I Were a Rich Man, I Probably Wouldn’t Write This Crap, but I’m Not, So, I Do, and if You Want Me to Stop, I Suggest You Send Money”

  1. That “Why don’t you go?” line kills me.

    I’m scared of that girl’s butt.

    I’m scared of your lighter.

    I’m scared of you.

    I’m scared of Noah’s ark. I’m scared of those mother fvcking snakes on that mother fvcking boat.

    fairlane, fairlane, stay indoors for a couple of days. The heat is getting to you.

    I mean, you’re funny, and your readers worship you, but killing yourself for us? Unacceptable.

  2. Oh, what, we’re supposed to trust facts or your insane rambling about tasting rainbow Arks and crucified Skittles? You ever try nailing one of THOSE to a 2×4?

    Hey man, vary up that ass shot, that can’t be the only naked babe ass on the internets. Oh shit, you’re going to pick something creepy next time, aren’t you.

    I hear American dollars are doing quite well these days. I’ll send you one!

  3. I’m confused. Then where did Sour Skittles come from?

    I’m not falling for your little ploy. I know if we send money, you’ll get therapy and that would be the end of this sort of insanity. Nope, not gonna do it.

  4. Fuck. Don’t let your lighter near MathMan with that shit about the White Sox. It’ll ruin his day.

  5. “Well, apparently, part of myself disagrees with another part of myself, and instead of listening to the self that myself should listen too, it’s listening to another part of myself that it Should Not listen too”

    Hmmmm … seems you’ve gotten the transcript of my most recent (or rather EVERY SINGLE) session with my shrink(s).

  6. I’ll send you some cash, so long as you buy some more skittles and a new Zippo lighter. Thanks for the Kool-aid (it’s fucking hot here) and for the truth about the Ark (phew!). Don’t know where posts from, but does there really need to be a place?

  7. The thing I like about you, Fairlane, is that you keep it concise.



  8. Can I have your zippo? I’ll trade you my flashlight. It won’t talk to me anymore either, ever since that unfortuante incident with the possum.

  9. Fairlane……. ummm…… you covered a lot of territory there…… viva la vida….. it happens to us all

  10. Scarlet– I appreciate the concern.

    But, I told you I don’t go outside here in the Summer. The pollution is fucking horrible.

    We had three “Ozone” days this week.

    – If there’s anyone on teh Innertubes you can trust, it’s me.

    – Sour Skittles are a result of Natural Selection.

    – That’s what he said, but if it’s any consolation, he also said, “No way Americans elect Chimpy to a second term.”

    Anita– I won’t tell if we don’t tell.

    – I imagine it’s out there somewhere.

    – Exactly.

    – We have an aversion to flashlights.

    Imagine, if you will, Blotter, a Game of Darts, a flashlight, and someone’s mom opening the door with a dart in mid-flight.

    – I tried listening to that song, but I couldn’t understand what he was saying.

    At one point, I think he said, “Onion tail.”

    Speaking of tails.

  11. Um I’m sorry, but that’s fine if you have a “flashlight” aversion. No trade? Ok fine. So it boils down to this possum thing.

    If you can’t help me out, OK, fine, but I somehow had the impression that with this whole inside deal on the Noah thing there was a little possibility here.

    [moving along…no possum possibilities here, dammit]

  12. yeah…. that’s pretty much it…. onion tail…. that’s what the song was about….

  13. hmmmm….. i must admit i did like the dragon tales song! Dragons

  14. Wowsers. I think I heard what you might have said….lemmee see if I got the moral straight….’crying over missing the Ark is just sour skittles.’ hmmmmm I think I need a nudder cup a coffee and go find my lighter.

  15. Well… What is there left to say? We’re (me, myself, and I) are in complete agreement with every word you said. But then, we’re on new and improved meds, so what the fuck do we know? We’re just crazy.

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