Interview with the Klan


Standing in line at the bank, I saw a Ku Klux Klan member being interviewed on CNN. The bank has a TV above the tellers with the sound off, and I only caught a little of the closed captioning. A headline said, “Klan membership growing.” I began daydreaming about what I might say if I were interviewing a member of the KKK:

CD: Thank you for talking to us. First of all, I’m interested in your costume. I’ve noticed you wear a robe and a pointed hat. I’ve also seen pictures of members who hide their faces with a hood that has holes cut out for the eyes. Is your organization Halloween-based in some way?

KKK: No, the uniform was originally meant to appear like a ghost, so as to frighten the…

CD: And yet I notice that your costume is purple. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a purple ghost…

KKK: Well, I’m an Imperial Wizard, so our uniform is a different color…

CD: A wizard? So you practice sorcery?

KKK: This is just a traditional title…

CD: I have to tell you, this whole thing seems so, well, retro. I mean, your costume looks like something from the Renaissance fair, and then you say you’re a wizard. Is this a Dungeons and Dragons tie-in of some sort?

KKK: Look, I came here to talk about our beliefs…

CD: Oh, I know, you hate blacks and Jews and so on, we’ll get to that. But I just wonder, wouldn’t it be smarter to wear business suits like everyone else? I think you’d have more credibility that way. The pointy hat and the mask and the robe, it’s just off-putting.

KKK: There’s a tradition behind the uniform, and we don’t call it a costume, by the way…

CD: The robes aren’t even well-fitted. They’re just sort of this dumpy thing, like wearing a tent. And I look at you and I think, Harry Potter? Bilbo Baggins? Then I find that you’re a political organization of some kind, I mean, your presentation just doesn’t fit your act, you know what I mean?

KKK: Now, you listen to me, sir, sir…

CD: And the pointy hat. You could do better. Maybe a smart looking cap of some sort. Times have changed. People aren’t scared by guys running around in a sheet yelling “Boo!” any more. At least not in my part of the world. Now, about that cross on the front of the costume, is this some kind of affiliation with Christianity? The Crusades? How does that fit with the wizard motif? I’m confused here, first we have ghosts, now the ghost is wearing a cross….

Etc., etc.


~ by cdash on July 25, 2008.

11 Responses to “Interview with the Klan”

  1. Heh heh. I think at ‘etc, etc’ is when a group of very large, muscular yet beer-bellied men with Johnny Unitas haircuts physically threaten to kick your ass and move to grab your cameraman. This is why cameras should be equipped with tranquilizer darts.

  2. Frankly I find the Klan uniform rather fetching and functional. It clearly indicates that the wearer is complete fucking idiot and thus spares me the effort of speaking with said person. It should be mandatory for all idiots to wear such self-identification.

  3. And then you just meet some people and you can easily imagine them in the Klan garb.

  4. AS IF Gandalf would EVER wear such a thing.

    I know what you mean. When I see those guys, I am overcome with conflicting emotions, such as an urge to laugh out loud at that ridiculous attire alongside a disgust for the “history” behind it. Nice balance they’ve achieved between evil and hilarity. You’ve got to give them that. Who else can make such a claim? Chucky?

  5. The robes aren’t even well-fitted. They’re just sort of this dumpy thing, like wearing a tent.

    Awesome. That got a chuckle out of me. I like to think of their costumes as more of a dunce hat, but for the whole body.


    This is why cameras should be equipped with tranquilizer darts.

    Cool! You know what? While we’re at it, let’s put tranquilizer darts in my coffee mug, my cell phone, and in the passenger seat of my car, just for kicks. Don’t like my driving? Have a nice nap.

  6. What? Your cameras AREN’T weaponized? Mine is always set on “stun” but it hs this cool pistol grip with this thumb control that I can set to “kill” in a heartbeat.

    I was lying. Sorry.

    That whole “wizard” thing is bizarre. Are they just mis-pronouncing “lizard?”

  7. those klansmen — always a fashion faux pas

  8. that klan guy CLEARLY needs to be booked on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (TM).

  9. I went to college in Connecticut. Most of the colleges in the state sent buses to protest a Klan registration drive in the town of Scotland. There were like a million of us and maybe 16 of them. I can’t speak for every student by I was really surprised and disappointed that the Grand Mighty Wizard at the time, some dildo named Wilkinson, was wearing a buisness suit and there wasn’t one recruit under 65, all variants of Uncle Fester in Polyester.

    OK, this was 1980 and Jimmy Carter was still president and I’m sure they’d have a bolder more impressive display now.

    You’d certainly have the woman who ate Candy Crowley on the scene reporting “They a controversial group. But love ’em or hate ’em, they ARE values voters, and in this day and age…that counts for a lot. Senator…um…Obama isn’t reaching these voters (heh-heh, cough-cough), but we’re hoping Senator McCain will be able to. Back to you, Wolf”

    “Thanks, Candy, fascinating stuff. That’s our own Candy Crowley, part of the best political team on pay television also financed by the insurance lobby and General Electric.”

  10. Darts in my coffee mug. Work? Enjoyable?

    We have a teevee at work on CNN, and every time I pass by it, Mister Crowley is ALWAYS on it. I wonder if I can shoot her through the screen.

  11. Ha! Could you imagine someone trying to tailor this outfit?

    Klansman: What are you a fag? There’s no inseam in this uniform.

    I could even see an episode of “What Not To Wear”:

    Klansman: Damn it, fashion plates don’t scare the….”

    Good stuff, man. Makes me wish your conversation were real.

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