Raspberry vodka and Diet Seven-UP

I apologize to my fellow ale lovers out there for breaking ranks, but I am starting to get a little bit worried about some signs of potential problems in the waistline and hip area. I am now cutting way back on fat and carbs. Raspberry vodka has 69 calories per ounce (my beloved Sam Adams Cream Stout has 195, which is not as bad as I thought it would be; my other beloved, Schlafly’s Oatmeal Stout has the same; can a woman have two loves at the same time? Please?); 0, which is ZERO, carbs (Cream Stout=23.94 g; seriously, why not just call it Cream Carbs? I can’t find a carb count for Oatmeal Stout, but let’s just assume it’s a lot), and as for fat, vodka has none, but I think beer has very little, if any, unless you’re drinking that bacon, egg, and sausage beer for breakfast. Don’t even try that McDonald’s McMuffin beer because it has egg floaties in it, which is just gross.

Why are all the good things in life so effing bad for you? Sometimes I think we should all just put on effing hair shirts and take up self-flagellation.

Even effing rice is full of carbs. Fvcking Chinese! Or Japanese! Or whoever invented that rice, and don’t you think I won’t find out!

I like rice.

I like pizza and Pop Tarts. I love toast and butter. In fact, I want to marry it. (Sorry, Emp)

“Do you, toast and butter, take me, Scarlet W. Blue to be your lawful wife and devourer?”

“Now you may devour the groom.” Yum)

(Don’t ever say, “I love it,” to fairlane because he will immediately ask “why you don’t marry it?”).

Remember that Sheryl Crow song? “I like a good beer buzz early in the morning….” Yeah, me, too. Beer buzzes are the best. A vodka buzz isn’t as funny. With a vodka buzz, I feel like sitting around staring at a wall. With a beer buzz, I feel like socializing.

Hey, you know, we should really get together and chat? What? Yes, we have lived next door to each other for 10 years. Huh? Well, yeah, I usually do ignore you. I mean, les’ face it. You look boring. But up close like this, I can see you’re totally not. In fact, you look interesting up close…. That mole thingy? Gives you character. It’s like Cindy Crawford, you know. Only you don’t look like her or anything. That’s funny. Coz you’re, like, ugly and she’s, like, not, even though she’s probably older than you. Anyway, let’s chat sometime…. (Time lapse) Okay, well, you know, I don’t really want to hear about your weird-ass family. I think it would be more interesting to talk about me? Because I’m really funny. Listen….

You can see why I’m so popular with a beer buzz.

But I would NOT try to drive in St. Louis with a beer buzz. Those insane mo-fo’s drive like…insane mo-fo’s? Today, it was raining. So, St. Louis people think if it’s raining, you MUST do the following:

Speed up

Run red lights

Talk on your cell phone with your eyes closed

Swerve over in front of a woman in a Neon with two small children in the back because she probably will just shriek at you and give you obscene gestures, but she probably won’t get out in the rain and beat the fvck out of you because she has to consider the effect of rain on her hair.

Also, she probably doesn’t have an UZI.

Yet.

But, you know, there’s St. Louis traffic and a broken washing machine and a broken garbage disposal and some other broken things (why go on and on?) and $400 out the window, and who the hell WOULDN’T want a beer buzz? Or a lighter, less carb-laden, vodka buzz?

(The Jedi are watching Star Wars: Phantom Menace for the billionth time, and Darth Maul just killed Qui-Gon Jinn. That pisses me off because Qui-Gon is so HOT. As in HAWT. And so is Ewan McGregor as the young Obi-wan. Don’t you think it’s funny that the bad guys go to all that trouble to create more bad guys, just to have Obi-wan kill them off? Fecking bad guys. Thank god they’re stupid).

I know you vodka snobs look down on the Smirnoff, but I have to admit I like those flavored vodkas. Right now, I’m into the raspberry. It’s good with Diet Seven-Up. In addition, I’ve tried lime (also good) and strawberry (too sweet). Next will be cranberry.

Drink up, bitches. It’s good stuff.

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~ by Scarlet Blue on July 26, 2008.

24 Responses to “Raspberry vodka and Diet Seven-UP”

  1. Were you buzzing when you wrote that? Although I don’t notice an abundance of typos, so if so, impressive. Darth Maul will fuck your shit up. Until he gets chopped in half. Maybe he should have had a raspberry vodka for that extra lightsaber zing.

    Flabby carbs are good. Sorry, once-athletic-for-three seconds body, it’s time to eat and drink. Mmm, custard donuts.

  2. That. Was fucking epic.

  3. Yesterday outside a Portland supermarket we saw a scary looking guy loading up cases of Coors into the bed of his decrepit orange pickup. There was no door on the driver’s side and we were afraid to ask him what happened to it. He had MO license plates – so that’s one less for you to worry about.

  4. Scarlet, Scarlet, Scarlet. I found myself a way to marry my toast and Smart Balance and eat it too (with none of the guilt).

    (Yes, that was a product plug, but if it means you can have a Schlafly’s Oatmeal Stout rather than nasty ass diet Seven-Up spritzers, then my shameless promotional work is done here.)

  5. Yer breaking my heart. Cheap vodka over decent beer? Oh,oh,oh, this is bad….really bad! I am stunned. Maybe we can do an intervention….try to get you into a self-help program, I doan know. Something must be done! OK. I’m on it…..

  6. I was having the same problem myself when I heard a young girl order blueberry vodka and club. It’s my new drink.

  7. We used to yell “Butter and Jam it” to my mom when she would make toast. I don’t know if she ever understood us.

    Regards,

    Tengrain
    (Citrus vodka and Squirt)

  8. oh my. i used love me my vodka martini’s: smirnoff, absolut, belevedere, whatever, who cares. a vodka buzz, for me, was better than any buzz around. yes, those were the days.

    alas, me and my vodka martini (VM, for short), we had a VERY messy divorce, and we’re definitely not on speaking terms any more. but it’s better for the both of us that way. VM kept the buzz and i kept the house and the two cats.

    😉

  9. You Sci-Fi nerds, and your flavored Vodka.

  10. Safe to assume 12:45 p.m. on a Sunday is an okay time to start drinking?

    ‘Course on Sunday, I go to double secret awful hell for drinking alcohol. But then, if you’re going to do something, you may as well go all the way.

    Back to pop up videos! And vodka.

  11. forgive me
    couldnt comment properly
    was distracted by the vodka i mean title

  12. I thought you should know, I’m heading to check into the clinic this week to get cured off the Wild Turkey.

    Push the re-set button on the garbage disposal

    Get the Jedi interested in something besides Star Wars, I’ve got Walter off on a Star Trek Next Generation binge. don’t hate on me but I love that show.

    I too have an expanding waistline but SONOFABITCH my boobs are nice. AND, on the upside, they distract the guys from seeing my gut if I wear cleavage enhancing shirts..see, I ain’t so dumb!!

  13. i pretty much like whiskey from a jar.….. makes quite the diet

  14. i may uv menshund i prefrs wisky in the jer……. ther r diffrnt tipes……. here’s 1…… an here 2

  15. @ SCARLET: If there’s one mystery I still have to crack about Panama it’s why the Panamanian diet is “worse” than the American diet — more fast food, more red meat, more beer, more carbs, less exercise, more candy,more sweet snacks, more savory snacks, more soda, more fatty foods, more spirits, more desserts, no diets, no yoga, no vegans — across all ages, both genders, and all levels of society. But Panamanians are ALL SMALL. I’ve seen a beer gut or two but I’ve never seen a FAT person in all the time I’ve been here. I mean the Colonial Williamburg Fanny Pack people who really put a hurting on the scales. They are the plurality in the USA. At one point I thought it had to do with us using sugar in consumer goods instead of high fructose corn syrup but apparently that’s an urban legend. The body metabolizes both at the same rates.

    Very strange.

    @ DOOZIE: I like bourbon and I LOVE the BIG BIRD. All I can get here is Jack Daniels’ 80 proof export version. There’s a pool-hall/honky-tonk owned by some old Texas hippies who came here when Omar Torrijos (the first left-wing president) was elected and stayed. They have a pretty good swing band and they carry REAL Jim Beam. Ferget Blantons or Bookers or Knob.

  16. I don’t know. RG, since I don’t remember writing this.

    Thanks, AB. In that case, I’m pretty sure I probably wrote it.

    Susan, that sounds like Ed. What’s he doing way out there?

    Freida Bee, don’t tease me!

    OKJimm, you’re scaring me. That “I’m on it” sounds ominous….

    I have tried the blueberry, Mary. It’s on the list.

    N0r the citrus, Tengrain. I’ll make note of that, too. So many flavored vodkas, so little time.

    Anita, sorry about the messy break up. Sounds like you’re better off. 😉

    All there other sci-fi nerds here, Emp?

    DCup, it’s okay with me!

    Raw, was it a flavored vodka?

    Funny you should mention it, Doozie, but the Jedi and I just watched most of the Star Trek movies, beginning with Wrath of Khan. Maybe after we finish season 4 of Stargate Atlantis, we’ll try some Next Gen.

    GD, “Whack for my daddy-o.” What, no Metallica?

    Kelso and Doozie, I got really, really sick on Wild Turkey once. Vomited in a cooler. I’m still iffy on that stuff.

  17. I don’t drink beer. I go for Mojitos or wine. Yummm. I seem to always have rum on hand for making Mr Coffee’s favorite chocolate rum chocolate chip cheesecake. It’s made with 2lbs of cream cheese as God intended.

    We are Trekkies here, too. Voyagers, Stargaters, Star Wars-ers and ESPECIALLY, Firefly-ers.

  18. Firefly and DS9 are my two all-time favorite TV shows, Bee.

  19. Oh honey… vanilla Smirnoff and diet coke. Gotta try it.

  20. It’s on the list, Jen. Thanks for the idea. It even sounds good.

    Also, the cranberry vodka is delicious. Had some this weekend. It’s good this way: 1 part cranberry vodka, 1 part Diet 7-Up, and one part club soda.

  21. Try Smirnoff Ice in Grape. Its sooo yummy.

  22. What’s with all the damn Barbies? They are kinda creeping me out.

  23. I think that’s the point, Lav (the creeping out part).

  24. Scarlet, forget the diet. It’s so much more fun shooting people with the Uzi you’re gonna get with the money you didn’t use to fix the sit that’s broken. Then use whatever’s leftover after you purchase the Uzi to buy and consume copious amounts of vodka to make it all worthwhile.

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