Raspberry vodka and Diet Seven-UP
I apologize to my fellow ale lovers out there for breaking ranks, but I am starting to get a little bit worried about some signs of potential problems in the waistline and hip area. I am now cutting way back on fat and carbs. Raspberry vodka has 69 calories per ounce (my beloved Sam Adams Cream Stout has 195, which is not as bad as I thought it would be; my other beloved, Schlafly’s Oatmeal Stout has the same; can a woman have two loves at the same time? Please?); 0, which is ZERO, carbs (Cream Stout=23.94 g; seriously, why not just call it Cream Carbs? I can’t find a carb count for Oatmeal Stout, but let’s just assume it’s a lot), and as for fat, vodka has none, but I think beer has very little, if any, unless you’re drinking that bacon, egg, and sausage beer for breakfast. Don’t even try that McDonald’s McMuffin beer because it has egg floaties in it, which is just gross.
Why are all the good things in life so effing bad for you? Sometimes I think we should all just put on effing hair shirts and take up self-flagellation.
Even effing rice is full of carbs. Fvcking Chinese! Or Japanese! Or whoever invented that rice, and don’t you think I won’t find out!
I like rice.
I like pizza and Pop Tarts. I love toast and butter. In fact, I want to marry it. (Sorry, Emp)
“Do you, toast and butter, take me, Scarlet W. Blue to be your lawful wife and devourer?”
“Now you may devour the groom.” Yum)
(Don’t ever say, “I love it,” to fairlane because he will immediately ask “why you don’t marry it?”).
Remember that Sheryl Crow song? “I like a good beer buzz early in the morning….” Yeah, me, too. Beer buzzes are the best. A vodka buzz isn’t as funny. With a vodka buzz, I feel like sitting around staring at a wall. With a beer buzz, I feel like socializing.
“Hey, you know, we should really get together and chat? What? Yes, we have lived next door to each other for 10 years. Huh? Well, yeah, I usually do ignore you. I mean, les’ face it. You look boring. But up close like this, I can see you’re totally not. In fact, you look interesting up close…. That mole thingy? Gives you character. It’s like Cindy Crawford, you know. Only you don’t look like her or anything. That’s funny. Coz you’re, like, ugly and she’s, like, not, even though she’s probably older than you. Anyway, let’s chat sometime…. (Time lapse) Okay, well, you know, I don’t really want to hear about your weird-ass family. I think it would be more interesting to talk about me? Because I’m really funny. Listen….”
You can see why I’m so popular with a beer buzz.
But I would NOT try to drive in St. Louis with a beer buzz. Those insane mo-fo’s drive like…insane mo-fo’s? Today, it was raining. So, St. Louis people think if it’s raining, you MUST do the following:
Run red lights
Talk on your cell phone with your eyes closed
Swerve over in front of a woman in a Neon with two small children in the back because she probably will just shriek at you and give you obscene gestures, but she probably won’t get out in the rain and beat the fvck out of you because she has to consider the effect of rain on her hair.
Also, she probably doesn’t have an UZI.
But, you know, there’s St. Louis traffic and a broken washing machine and a broken garbage disposal and some other broken things (why go on and on?) and $400 out the window, and who the hell WOULDN’T want a beer buzz? Or a lighter, less carb-laden, vodka buzz?
(The Jedi are watching Star Wars: Phantom Menace for the billionth time, and Darth Maul just killed Qui-Gon Jinn. That pisses me off because Qui-Gon is so HOT. As in HAWT. And so is Ewan McGregor as the young Obi-wan. Don’t you think it’s funny that the bad guys go to all that trouble to create more bad guys, just to have Obi-wan kill them off? Fecking bad guys. Thank god they’re stupid).
I know you vodka snobs look down on the Smirnoff, but I have to admit I like those flavored vodkas. Right now, I’m into the raspberry. It’s good with Diet Seven-Up. In addition, I’ve tried lime (also good) and strawberry (too sweet). Next will be cranberry.
Drink up, bitches. It’s good stuff.