This Is a True Story

“The Surge is Working.”

Sure, sure, have it Your Way.

As though life takes place in a Fucking Burger King, but, Hey, who am I to Second Guess?

(I’ve been reduced to using Fast Food Slogans)

Why Not?

Whatever-

I swear to Gandhi, We Live in Fucking Bizzaro World-

“The Surge is Working.”

Let me get this Straight.

Hold on-

Sorry about that, I had to Confer with the Homeless Guy living under the Tree in my Front Yard.

Okay, I think I have my Facts straight.

Let’s Proceed.

Here’s how I remember it, and if I leave anything out, please, Feel Free to Remind Me.

Right.

After 9/11, President Chimpster, and his Circus Peanuts, went on a Promotional Tour throughout the Country informing the American Public that Saddam Hussein not only had WMD’s, but that he had his Little Finger on the Trigger dying to turn New York, L.A., and D’Iberville, Mississippi into Dust.

“Mushroom Cloud,” is one of the Phrases I recall hearing.

In speech after speech, Saddam, and Osama bin Laden (The mastermind behind 9/11) were linked, and it was even implied that Saddam may have been involved in the Attacks.

Well, needless to say, the Average American wasn’t having any of that, and they told Chimpy,

“Bombs Away, Old Chap.”

(Except for the residents of D’Iberville). They said,

“Git’er Dun!”

Leading up to the war, several Top Officials told Chimpy we’d need around three hundred thousand troops to not only Overthrow Saddam’s Government, but to Maintain Order in the Aftermath.

These suggestions were Summarily Dismissed (Along with the Suggesters).

Chimpy, and his Murder of Crows said,

“Oh no, No, No, No. All we need are a couple of SEALS, and a Potato Gun. You just don’t Understand Warfare the way We Do. After all, the Majority of Us spent a great deal of our Youth Avoiding Combat of any kind, and because of this, we had A Lot of Free Time to do Research.”

Obviously, this made Perfect Sense to the American People.

“Who in the Hell do these “Generals” think they are?”

“Yeah, like Generals know something about War or something. Why not ask Mikhail Baryshnikov to teach Ballet while yer at it? I mean, he’s a Dancer, isn’t he? I say, leave the Fighting to Men who’d never, in a Million Fucking Years, Fight. Glug, glug, glug…pass me some more of that Anti-Freeze.”

Yeah, Exactly.

At this point, no one could Stand Against this Juggernaut of Reason.

When U.N. Weapons Inspectors said Saddam’s WMD Program was all but Dead-

” Everyone knows the U.N. is filled with Commies bent on overthrowing America. Bunch of Goddamn Commies is what they are. Hell, I’m Fucking Retarded, and I know that much.”

“See?”

Even Common Folk who dared Question the Chimperor were Labeled Terrorists, and lovers of all things Al-Qaida-

“Trayters. Prolly packin’ Osama’s Fudge is wha’ they’s doin’. I jus can’t unnerstan wha they Hate ‘Merica, and Love Trr so much. If’n they hate Freedom, they’s should git ta packin’ ‘n move to Californy or one’a them utter trrist luvin’ places.”

The War Machine was Moving Ahead, and you were either “With It or Against It.”

Some attempted to Remind the Chimperor that he Promised to NEVER use our Military to Meddle in another Country’s Sovereign Affairs, but this, too, proved Fruitless.

“The President Strongly denies ever making such a Statement. He’s always maintained that the Military is an Extension of his Whim, and Oedipal Desires. If you were paying attention, instead of Training to become a Terrorist, maybe you’d know this.”

It all made So much Sense, in a Completely Senseless Way.

Nothing was Everything, and Everything Pointed to War.

So, we packed up our Toys, and…

Away We Went.

We were told the Iraqi people would greet us as “Liberators,” and that they’d Shower our Troops with Flowers, and Small Greeting Cards from Hallmark paid for with Their Oil Money.

The “Experts” said the War would be over in No Time, and that it would only cost a few Billion Dollars.

Sir Issac Rumsfield even held a Press Conference to comfort the American People-

“Remember that part in The Wizard of Oz where President Bush crushed the Wicked Witch with his Giant Penis, and all the Virgins Gathered ‘Round to Admire his Huge Balls? Well, it will be a lot like that, but about 10,000 times More Wickeder. Seriously. Trust Me. I know about these things, I’m a Neo-Con, and, as you all know, We Neo-Cons are the Only Objective Ones in this because it’s not as though We, like some of you, Have Been Looking for an Excuse to Attack Iraq for Over a Decade.”

Pundits throughout Wingnuttia pounced like Hyenas on an Innocent Babe-

“Why does Bill Clinton hate Jesus? I’ll tell you why, because the Democrat Party Despises Good, Wholesome Lovedness. They’re not Like Us. Not in the Least. We Love All Love with a Loving Tenderness of Joyous Tranquility. May God Bless Our Freedom Bombs.”

But not long after the Invasion, things took a turn for the, Better?

The Iraqis, apparently, misread the Memo, and instead of Reading-

“Greet Us with Flowers, and Gratuitous Titty Action,”

They thought it said,

“Strap Bombs to Your Asses, and Start Blowing the Fuck Out of Everyone. Oh, but make sure to LOOT the Joint First.”

Once more, we were Reassured-

“This is exactly how we drew it up. No need to worry. Iraq is not descending into Chaos, and those are not Bombs. They’re fireworks, and the Bodies you’re seeing on the news are actually Mannequins. The Iraqis love to celebrate by Blowing Up Mannequins. It’s a tradition that has existed for a Thousand Years in the Middle East. In fact, the Iraqis were blowing up Mannequins long before Mannequins even Existed. Drink More Red.”

“Oh, and Buy more Flags, and Ribbon Magnets for you SUV’s. And Buy more SUV’s, and Eat Out…Every Night, and Get an iPod, and Some Other Stuff. Don’t let Them Win. All Hail the Great Zorg!”

Needless to say, the American Public was Greatly Relieved to hear this news.

“Did you hear? We need to Drink More Red. Obviously, those who doubt the war are Communists, which is why they Drink the Blue. All Hail the Great Zorg!”

Balance was Restored, and America Remained a Beacon of Hope, and Freedom.

And then –

“We have Reports coming in that Confirm, once and for all, that Iraq does not have any WMD’s nor were they involved in the Attacks on 9/11. All I can say is, Whew, thank Zorg.”

“But Mr. Gannon. Didn’t the Preznit say Iraq Had WMD’s, and that they Were involved in the Attacks on 9/11?”

“Are you on Drugs? Of course he Didn’t. The Preznit made it very clear, from the beginning, that we were going into Iraq because they were Running Low on Freedom. I have no idea where you heard this WMD/9/11 Nonsense. My guess would be the Librul Media, and surely you know by now, the Librul Media is more Dangerous than Al Qaida, Stalin, Hitler, and Pauly Shore movies COMBINED! No. We went into Iraq, not because of WMD’s or 9/11. We went there to Build a Mc Donald’s, and a couple of Roller Rinks. All Hail the Great Zorg!”

“You’re making the claim that Mc Donald’s is a Sign of Freedom?”

“Sign of Freedom? Mc Donald’s is Freedom. Haven’t you ever seen their 99 cent value menu?”

“Right, my bad. All Hail Zorg.”

“Uh, umm…The Great Zorg.”

“Huh?”

“All Hail the Great Zorg!”

“Right, All Hail the Great Zorg. By the way, who is this Zorg, and why are we Hailing him?”

“I can’t believe it. All this time Al-Qaida has had an Operative in Our Midst.”

“Al-Qaida? I was just…”

“You can’t fool me Muhammad, or whatever your name is. Guards!”

“But…”

“GUARDS!!!”

However, some Skeptics remained-

“General Rumsfield, isn’t it True that Iraq is on the Verge of Civil War? And isn’t it also True that we Don’t Have Enough Troops to Maintain Order?”

“Psssh. Whatever. Look, do you know what Civil means? Civil means Polite, Gracious, Courteous, etc, and I, for one, wish more people would have Courteous Wars. Why, did you know that just yesterday a Sunni Man, and a Shia Woman were seen, in plain view of our Cameras, debating, Civily, I might add, who should enter the Mc Donald’s first? Play the Audio”

“No, please, you go first.”

“Seriously, I can wait. You go.”

“Don’t be crazy. I am more than happy to hold the door.”

“I’d never be able to live with myself if I went in ahead of you.”

“Bah! It’s obvious you need a Big Mac more than I. I just had one this morning.”

“This goes on, and on for 45 minutes, until they finally decided to enter the Mc Donald’s Arm in Arm. Now, tell me, do you think this is a Bad Thing, or, Do you Think this Sounds like the Sweet Apple Turnover of Freedom?”

“They sounded American. I thought you had a Video?”

“I never said anything about a Video, and if you knew anything about anything, you’d know they were clearly Iraqis. One of them even said, “Lah, Lah, Lah” there at the end.”

“Fine, then what about all the Fraud, and Mismanagement of Funds in Iraq? Specifically, Haliburton, which has very close ties to the Vise Preznit? Also, we were told this war would only cost a few billion dollars, and the cost is now on Pace to Exceed a Trillion.”

“Jumping Juniper Berries. How Stupid are you People? I’ll explain Again. The money being used in Iraq was found in the Basement of an Old Abandoned Building. It was just sitting there, and We decided to put that money to Good Use. No one even knew it existed, until We found It.”

“So, you’re saying the American Tax Payer is not Absorbing the Cost of this Mismanaged, Poorly Planned War?”

“Were you Listening? We FOUND the Money.”

“Okay. One last question. Did you know that you haven’t said “All Hail the Great Zorg” during our Entire Conversation?”

“And?”

“And, I thought we were Supposed to Hail him as Much as Possible?”

“What day is it?”

“Tuesday.”

“And what Time is it?”

“3:31 pm EST.”

“Exactly.”

“What?”

“Are you saying you haven’t read “The World According to Zorg?”

“I’ve never heard of such a Book.”

“Of course you haven’t. They don’t teach about the Great Zorg at Al-Qaida Training Camps. GUARDS!!”

The Good News Continued to Pour In-

“Bring’em On.”

“Let’s Roll.”

“Buy one Fish Filet get a Second for only $2.19.”

“I Love Popeye.”

Until-

“ThePreznit, and the Decider Type Doer of All Stuff Prezinitional, has Decided, See?, to Send More Troops into Iraq despite Protests from everyone Else in the Entire World. No one, and I Mean, No one, wants, or has ever Wanted him to Send More Troops, but because of his Steadfast Resolutionination, He’s decided to go with his Original Plan of Sending a lot more Troops to Iraq. I know the Libruls, and other Al-Qaida supporters will Oppose this Plan, and say “We Have Plenty of Troops,” but we know they Hate Freedom, and the Great Larry, so, why Listen to Them? Listen to Preznit Bush because he’s the only one who’s remained Consistent Throughout, which is why he’s the Decider, and you’re Not. Iraq, as the Preznit has always said, is in Trouble. People are getting Killed every day, and the Government is not Holding Up it’s end of the Bargain. So, the Preznit is sending in more Troops because he’s always wanted more Troops, and, until recently, was Stifled by the Al-QaidaCrats in Congress. No Doubt this plan will Work, as have all of the Preznitial Plans, including Hurricane Katrina, No Childs Leaved Behind, and Social Security. Now, I’ll take a few questions. All Hail the Great Larry.”

“Did you say, ‘All Hail the Great Larry?'”

“What else would I say?”

“I thought we were Hailing the Great Zorg?”

“Never heard of’em.”

“So, it’s Larry now?”

“Always was Larry, and I’m not sure I like your line of questioning.”

“Er, uh…”

“Anyone else?”

“Yes, is the Preznit now claiming to be the one who Advocated for a larger military force at the Beginning of the War?”

“What do you mean, ‘Claiming?’ The Preznit has always wanted a Larger Force, but his plan met a great deal of resistance from the Al-QaidaCrats in Congress. They’re the ones who chose the number of troops at the beginning of the war.”

“Are you sure?”

“Am I Sure? Are you Osama Bin Laden?”

“I remember the Preznit saying that now.”

“Yep.”

“All Hail the Great Larry!”

“Another question?”

“Is the Preznit now admitting that the Maliki government is completely dysfunctional, wrought with corruption, and incapable of even deciding what they’ll have for Breakfast in Parliament?”

“That’s an OUTRIGHT LIE! Everyone knows Parliament decided months ago that their standard Breakfast Fare would consist of an Egg Mc Muffin, hash browns, and a Small Coffee. Get your facts Straight!”

“What about the Rest of my question?”

“Huh?”

“The Corruption, influence from Iran, disappearing Funds, etc?”

“Never liked him.”

“What?”

“Exactly.”

“I’m confused.”

“Why yes, I’d love a Soda.”

“But I didn’t…”

“Make it a Diet, Thanks. Now, if there are no more questions, All Hail the Great FlimFlam!”



















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~ by fairlane on July 29, 2008.

17 Responses to “This Is a True Story”

  1. when you rule by fear and have a totally COMPLICIT media in your pocket — you have a guaranteed propaganda victory……

    why dont we just rename the white house the reichstag, turn back the clock to 1933 and draw a little moustache on the dancing douchebag from crawford. and while we are at it, tattoo a number on my forearm.

    i HATE these people….

  2. This is a true comment:

    The World According to fairlane?

    The choir shouts, “Amen, brotha!” Seriously.

    Funny stuff. My favorite:

    “Oh no, No, No, No. All we need are a couple of SEALS, and a Potato Gun. You just don’t Understand Warfare the way We Do. After all, the Majority of Us spent a great deal of our Youth Avoiding Combat of any kind, and because of this, we had A Lot of Free Time to do Research.”

    But that could change. There were some great lines in there.

  3. in hindsight ………. it’s all 20/20, now isn’t it?

    or rather, let’s just all sing, together now children, in blessed unison: ‘i can see clearly now, the rain has gone … i can see all the obstacles in my way …”

    and, by the way, and call me what you will … a fired-up conspiracy theorist, wacko, nut-job, non-believer, what have you … but i still don’t think “osama” was the mastermind of anything.

    so there.

  4. Thanks for this insight into the criminal mind. Chimpy’s a grifter plain and simple. A confidence man with a bunch of suckers in tow. It would not surprise me if one of his side businesses before taking stealing the Oval Office was running a spam marketing operation from Nigeria. Phew.

  5. a masterpiece of Orwellian logic.

    I remember one of the talking head colonels saying about the Iraqis, ‘They are not fighting by the international rules of war. They seriously violate the rules.’ Wrong, wrong, wrong but always certain.

  6. Yeah, the surge is working. If by “working,” you mean providing cover for every warmongering ass in Washington, fooling the gullible, and throwing a monkey wrench into the possibility of any real debate. Yeah, it’s working, alright.

  7. Zorg rules, Larry drools.

    Regards,

    Tengrain

  8. Sadly, it sure is a true story and we still don’t know how it will end.

  9. I have a surge working…in my pants!

    Ooops, wrong website. Go Zorg! Hey, whatever potatoes you don’t use, can I have? I was thinking of making a nice stew.

    One quibble: you do know that Obama will fix everything right? All those Care Bears? They’re actually miniature suitcase bombs. I hope you all like green hair.

  10. SHIT&WHISKERS!!! I think someone has seriously laced your vegan hotdogs with some severely mind altering drugs!!!

    Can you send me a dozen? Hold the organic mayo.

  11. DCap- Solyent Green is people.

    These assholes? I’m not so sure.

    Empress- I only exist to serve you, oh, and to occasionally make a smart ass comment.

    Anita- The scary part is, it’s not out of the realm of possibility.

    Sparty- Funny you should mention that. I did receive an email from the White House claiming they had 30 million for me from the time I lived in Kenya.

    Susan- I can’t believe there are “Rules” in war.

    Talk about Oxymoronic.

    “Let’s get our Kill On, but don’t forget to read the Directions.”

    Reminds me of two lines from “Apocalypse Now”-

    “We train young men to drop fire on people. But their commanders won’t allow them to write “Fuck” on their airplanes because it’s obscene!”

    and

    “What do you call assassins who accuse assassins?”

    Dash- I see you got the Memo.

    Ten- At one time, I like Larry, but I lost respect for him after that “Bathroom Incident” in the airport.

    PoP- I don’t think it ever ends.

    Randal- The original title for this post was “The Surge is Working, and I Need a New Zipper.”

    OKJ- If you let your Vegan Hotdog sit out long enough, it becomes a mind altering drug.

  12. Even in a Vicodin and starvation haze I can recognize a true story.

  13. Everyone’s all “burger, burger, burger” or vegan hotdog. Isn’t the spanish word for surge “salsa?” So I think leaving the Breakfast Burrito out of this missive was entirely unfair to Breakfast Burritos everywhere.

  14. This was a great interview with Noam Chomsky I read this afternoon. He’s almost as smart as you and I hope he lives another 79 years because we need him and everyone like him.

  15. Mary- At least, the Vicodin will take the edge off.

    Un-Con- You are correct. I apologize for this egregious omission.

    Susan- I’m a Cosmic Entity. It’s not fair to Chomsky to compare, after all, he’s just a mortal.

  16. Fairlane- Did you forget to duct tape your windows? You weren’t supposed to hear all that.

  17. @ AXN: I kind of agree with you. I was suspicious at “box cutter” and convinced that we weren’t getting the full story with “let’s roll.” A box-cutter is just not that threating a weapon unless it’s held to your neck. About the worst thing someone can do to you with it is give you a deep cut which is easily stitched.

    “Let’s roll” was laying the bathos on too thick. The movie was going to get written. They didn’t have to do write the script and the ta-dah lines right away.

    @ FAIRLANE: You and I are on the same page with this but there are elements to small “c” conservatism that aren’t bad at all: fiscal prudence, monetary neutrality, personal freedom, low taxes, fungibility of assets, free-markets, a live-and-let-live foreign policy, to name a few. It’s is American Republican Partyism you mean, I take it back. There’s nothing good there.

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