The Best/Worst/Whatever of fairlane #12412439

I decided, as a Public Service, to re-release a series of my favorite posts over the next several weeks.

Think of it as a “Best of fairlane” or “fairlane’s Greatest Hits.”

Or, don’t think of them at all.

I realize some of you may have already read them, and, if so, I apologize.

If nothing else, it’s interesting, at least to me, to see the Evolution of fairlane, and how so many of us were right about Chimpy, and his Administration.

I know my farewell was Lame, but I’m not really going away.

We’ll Always Have Paris, oh, and that creaking noise you hear late at night, when you’re home alone, that’s probably me rifling through your Medicine Cabinet.

Vicodin ain’t Cheap these Days.

You know?

Seriously, I’ll be seeing you…

Iraqi Government Fails to Meet Even One Goal, and, in Related News, Assrocket Crashes into Own House for the Tenth Time. Vows, “I’m Staying the Course.”

fairlane59.jpg

“Die on our brand new poison Gas
In the deserts of Afghanistan
Making money for President Reagan
Making money for President Reagan
And all the friends of President Reagan.”
(Dead Kennedys)

An Assessment detailing the “Progress” in Iraq, is due to be released later this week, and already the Pretzels are flying.

The Report is part of an agreement made between the White House and Congress over funding for the Iraq War. The July 15 Report is only a “Check Point” with the final Analysis or “Pivot Point” set for September 15.

According to an “Anonymous Source”, the Iraqi Government has accomplished exactly, Jack Shit. Yep, the Iraqis have failed to meet even one of the targets set for them.

In response to the latest information, White House Spokeswoman Tonya Snow said, “This only proves how ignorant you in the ‘Liberal Media’ truly are. Do you know how difficult it is to accomplish nothing for over four consecutive years? Sure, you College ‘Elitists’ think it’s so fucking easy, but let me tell you smarty pants something, it ain’t. We have worked tirelessly…let me rephrase. We have not worked at all on improving the situation in Iraq for count’em, one…two…three…four plus years.”

“Despite the constant questions, condemnation, and challenges we have remained steadfast and resolute, unrepentant for our complete incompetence and disregard for any ideas or suggestions that even vaguely resemble logic. You think that shit is easy? Why don’t you try it? You know how much not working a person has to do to burn up over four years? That is a lot of doing nothing let me assure you.”

Snow went on to outline the Bush Administration’s new Five Point “Extra special, top secret, this time we are serious, it’s going to not work we swear, how can you possibly believe anything I’m saying? Plan.”

“This is the plan everyone’s been waiting for” Snow said. “We are 100% on this Plan, and you should be as well because obviously we have no fucking clue what we are doing.”

When asked to give more details Snow responded, “Look, it has Five Points, not six points, thirty nine points, four points or eleventeen points. It has Five, and if you knew anything about Mathematics, which you obviously don’t, you’d know that five is multiple of ten and Ten is how many Indians there are in that kid’s song.” No further explanation was given.

Snow concluded the Press Conference by bringing out President Bush for one of those “Spontaneous” Photo-Ops he’s become famous for.


(President Bush reminding reporters how many “points” his new plan has)

“Heh heh, do you see that, uh…uh, that’s five. In case you, uh uh, heh heh didn’t uh notice I also have five fingers on my hand. Isn’t that right Snowie?”

“That’s right sir, you big hunk of man beef. Goddamn how I’d love for you to ball up those luscious fingers into a tight little fist and cram… Oh, sorry. Ha ha ha ha.”

“Oh Snowie, heh heh heh.”

“Ha ha ha ha.”

“Heh heh heh.”

“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.”

“Uh heh huh heh uh heh.”

“BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AH HA HA HA HA….”

President Bush Has 5 Polyps Removed From Head, I Mean, Ass…

In a routine surgery today, President Bush had 5 Polyps removed from his colon. During President Bush’s colonoscopy, President Bush transferred power to Vice President Dick Cheney, to which Cheney replied, “That’s not necessary George, I already have that, remember?”

“Hi, Mr. President.”

White House spokesman Scott Stanzel said. “All (Polyps) were less than 1 centimeter (about four-tenths of an inch) and none appeared worrisome.”

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about the “Polyps’ and Chief”, who are extremely worrisome.

“Damn, my Colon is killing me.”

Following up, Press Secretary Tony Snow, reaffirmed the White House’s stance on President Bush, and his ass.

“I shouldn’t have to repeat myself, but I will. President Bush did not, and hear me clearly, did not have his head removed from his ass today. They were polyps. Do we understand one another?”

“Any of you Reporters, bloggers or general smart asses even hint that President Bush had his head removed from his ass I will personally come to your house, and shit down your throat.”

Snow then released a photo of one of President Bush’s polyps to “prove” that he did not have his head shoved up his own ass.

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~ by fairlane on August 11, 2008.

16 Responses to “The Best/Worst/Whatever of fairlane #12412439”

  1. This bunch is cheaper than going to a circus, yet too costly in human life! ; (

    BTW, enjoyed and appreciated your comment! Cheers to ya!

  2. Hell, it’s not easy spending over 10 billion a month and not having a damned thing to show for it. I know, let’s blame the lack of progress on the Iraqis. Sure their country is a flaming fucking mess, but they could at least make it possible for the big oil companies to rape their oil fields. Jeez, is that so much to ask? We put these guys in office in Iraq for a reason. We thought they would bend over when asked. Now we find out they won’t. Damn, war business is hard work.

  3. Do you take all of that anger home with you, fairlane? Or are you able to get it out in the blog? In your comments you are such a mellow dude.

    Wishing you lower blood pressure,
    rationalpsychic

  4. Come on now Rational. You have to admit that shit is funny. Just the title alone should win me some kind of award.

    And the Spam I get from posts like this makes it worth it.

    I got one today about the “Dangers of Fisting.” And another about “Small Penis Fetishes.” That shit is hilarious.

    It’s sarcasm Rational. Satire, Parody, over the top. It’s fun, for me. I love to write and believe it is what I was made to do. But this is just one venue. I have several others, and actually write in many different styles. I even keep a pseudonym or two set aside in here if I’m bored with politics.

    In what other medium can you say whatever you want, within reason, and have an audience that you can exchange with, and not have to worry about censors or publishers or editors or reviews?

    I’ve met some very interesting people through my blog, and some other really talented writers. You for example. Our blogroll is filled with excellent writers who use the medium in numerous ways, and who write about many different topics. Great shit.

    Yes, I get pissed off, but that’s what writing is all about, putting it on paper, getting it out there.

    Am I the shining example of Mental Health?

    Well, of course I am.

  5. You should get a gig with the Onion. That or SNL.

  6. To be honest reasic I thought about that, but I really hate to be confined, and I hate pressure when it comes to writing.

    I do freelance and I also work for a company that adds content to websites.

    Both grow tiresome very quickly especially the website crap. My last project only took about 8 hrs to complete, but I dragged it out over 5 days because I didn’t want to do it.

    I really enjoy the “blogosphere” because I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.

  7. Definitely an Onion worthy post, fairlane.

    Work is a four letter word, stay here and keep blogging!

  8. I shouldn’t complain about the “website crap” too much. About a third of my income comes from that “crap”, and I get paid to write, which is actually pretty cool even if it is tedious.

    I rescind that portion of my previous comment.

    Did I mention I don’t sleep? I still have a reflection and continue to love garlic so I’m not sure what’s going on.

    Thanks Phy. I don’t think you can submit stuff to the Onion. I looked around about a month ago and couldn’t find a link for submissions. I’m not sure if they contract articles.

  9. Just a thought….. I came to the scene, blog-ville or whatever, and missed a lot. (course I miss most everything anyways)

    If we are going to get into a little past-posting….I would love to see the 1st Jonestown post. I am too lazy to find it and try to spend my limited time on the net being current…..just an idea &stuff

  10. Five polyps removed from his head? Maybe now his hair will lie better.

    So YOU were the one who took the Vicodin. Mail that back RIGHT NOW.

  11. Fairlane –

    I knew you would be back. They all come back.

    Regards,

    Tengrain

  12. ha ha .. fairlane’s BAAAAACK!!! you crack me up. oh, and if i find you rifling through my oxycontin drawer you are a DEAD MAN.

  13. Yeah, you’re farewell was lame. And you can have the meds, it’s just Tylenol, Motrin and other OTC crap. But stay out of my booze.

  14. Only 5 polyps? I thought there were more than 5 in the “Cabinet.”

    I’m so glad I checked back again.

  15. I wound up being too sad for a couple of days to even come over here and now what do I find? fairlane’s back and even recycled fairlane is better than no fairlane posts among the excellent though somewhat more serious work of the rest of the crew (not you, scarlet).

  16. I love these, but I have to ask you Fairlane, many years ago, jeez when Kerry was running were you “hey, hey, hey…” on the DU?

    I don’t know, for some reason after reading these I thought you and “heh,hey,hey” were one and the same.

    don’t mind me, it’s late and I still have to fold the clothes.

    (<;

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