Are You a Man? Or…Are You on Mushrooms?

Yet another classic, from the fairlane files.



“Boy, what in the Hell’s wrong with you? You some kind of damn idiot?”

I’m going to go out on a limb. I’m going for broke. I’m about to write and declare to the world something so unheard of, so shocking, so outrageous that I’m not sure if I, or possibly even the world, will ever be the same…Let me catch my breath for a second.

Okay, here goes.


I know, I know. I’m insane. But someone had to say it. Didn’t they?

What, what’s that? Someone already said it?


Jimmy Carter?

Dammit! What in the Hell is wrong with Democrats? What in the BLOODY HELL IS WRONG THEM? Every time there’s something Important to say the Dimocrats roll out the worst possible person in the world to say it.

First, there was that “Chick” from the “Dixie Chicks who called out the President about the war, on foreign soil no less.

Why just the other day I called one of my friends who speaks French and I asked her if she could translate some German for me. She was like, “I speak French, not German.” “I know that’s why I called.” “Huh?” “What?” “What?” “Huh?” “You are deranged.” “So, does that mean you’re not going to help me?” “What?!” “Exactly.”

I respect Natalie Maines and all for standing by her principles and almost derailing her career to do so, but she’s a fucking singer in a Country Band! Not to stereotype, but I always had the impression that the Country Crowd was for the most part a “Patriotic” bunch. (Selectively Patriotic, but they put American Flags on their cars and what not). She had to know it wouldn’t go over well. She doesn’t strike me as a stupid person.

Someone with more “Street Cred” should have been the one.

Then as the official spokesperson for Global Warming, an issue that confronts everyone on this planet, who do we get? Al “Danger Will Robinson” Gore. The guy is about as engaging as Trigonometry, and every bit as popular.

And to top it off Jimmy Carter calls out President Bush? I know, I know this is old news, but it keeps happening over and over again.

Carter comes across as a decent man, and there’s no doubt he’s very intelligent. But anyone old enough to remember his Presidency had to cringe when he said that about Bush. To put it lightly, Carter’s Presidency wasn’t what you’d call “Successful”.

Carter’s brief stay on Pennsylvania Ave. ranks right up there with the “least effective”, “poorly run”, “half asseded” Presidencies in US history. I still remember waiting in line with my parents for gasoline. Not the best of times were the “Carter Years”.

Is it a conspiracy? Do Dems go to the Reps, and say, “Look, we want to make it seem like we care about these issues, but not so much that anything actually changes. We have a list of names here, tell us who you think is the worst possible choice, and we’ll go with them.”

“We definitely like Mark Furman as the choice for your Get out the Minority Vote. After you announce him, you can play that audio tape where he says ‘Nigger’ ten thousand times. Oh, and while we’re here, do you think you can convince Clinton to make a couple of Abstinence commercials?”

This crap only works for the Wingnuts. They could roll out Dale Earnhardt Jr. as their expert on String Theory, and whatever he said would be accepted as Fact. (Mr. Earnhardt, if you are in fact an expert on String Theory, and you’re reading this, I apologize. I assumed you probably spend most of your time practicing left turns, and don’t have much to spare studying Theoretical Physics).

The Right still respects Limbaugh when he rails about drugs for God’s Sake. Why not have Keith Richards on there with him, at least then it would actually make some fucking sense?

But back to the Dims. What the HELL? I know they don’t always chose these people, but by now they should know to send out an e-mail or something;

“Look, we know how you feel, and you’re right, but maybe it would be better for someone else with a tad more pull to say it.”

So, we’re asking all actors who own two or more planes (that they use to fly back and forth to the Grocery Store) to please, please keep quiet about Global Warming. Thanks”

See, it’s that simple.

But no, that’s not what they do is it? In fact, I heard the reason they were upset about Saddam’s execution is because they had him lined up to do a Promotional for Amnesty International.

Someone has to stop them, and quick. We need a person with Universal Appeal calling Bush the Worst President in History. Not one of the other Worst Presidents in History.

That’s why I decided to say it. I realize I should have said it sooner and maybe this could have been avoided altogether. But I’m busy, I have a 3 year old daughter you know?

As a consequence, the worst President in History gets to dismiss reality once more, and we’re stuck wondering what the Fuck happened.

Bush is beyond terrible. (I honestly have a hard time looking his supporters in the eye out of fear that whatever is wrong with them might be contagious). You don’t even have to outline “facts” anymore as to why this is the case. (Hell, it would take a month). There’s no logical reason for anyone to support the man, not one. Unless you have a mediocrity fetish.

Other than that, I can’t think of one solitary reason. The guy has sucked at everything he’s ever done. He was a fucking Male Cheerleader! (No offense to any Male Cheerleaders, I guess. Just don’t come near me in those pants).

Can you imagine the pride that must have rushed through his father’s heart the day he heard that news? (A decorated veteran),

“Dad, I did it, I did it!”

“Great, you made the football team?”

“No silly, the cheerleading Squad.”

“Son of a bitch. Barbara bring me a Scotch and make it a double! And I want to see the results of that DNA test again!!”

All kidding aside. George W. Bush Jr. is a moron. I’m convinced the man, at best, has an I.Q. around 104. (I’ll bet 10 grand that I’m within (+)(-) 3 points). He’s a buffoon. But his supporters claim he’s a man of “Big Ideas”.

There are two kinds of “Big Idea” people. On one side you have men/women like Martin Luther King Jr. or Susan B. Anthony. On the other you have Bluto from Popeye, and that dimwit waitress from the show “Alice”.

Bush is a “Big Idea” person in the same vein as people who still play with the “Big Legos”. He doesn’t have the intellectual depth or dexterity to look at/handle the “Small Ideas”, which are what make up the foundation of the “Big Ideas”.

Over the past 6+ years he’s essentially said the same five things, in various ways, time and again;

“We are bringing Freedom to Iraq”,

“If you’re not with me your against Freedom”,

“I knoew nothing about what they were doing, but I love Freedom”,

“These are not the droids you’re looking for, but if you’re looking for Freedom”, and I forgot the last one. (There’s only so much vapidity one brain can hold).

I make light only because I have to or else I’d fill the page with FUCK! Bush has not only lowered the standards for what it takes to be President, he’s also opened the door for future Presidents to push the envelope even further. Secret wire taps, arrests, prisons. Suped-up evidence to start a war that has no logical purpose. An administration staffed with inept, fanatics who make average sycophants look like Revolutionaries. (I still can’t get over Harriet Myers, a nominee for the Supreme Court, saying Bush, “is the most brilliant man I’ve ever met.” She should be arrested, and sent to Guantanamo Bay. It’s illegal to be that bloody fucking stupid).

But Bush is like the John Gotti of Presidents, nothing sticks to that slime ball, The Teflon President. I can only imagine if Clinton tried to pull some of this crap. Reps would be outside the White House with torches and enough rope to weave a belt for Rosie O’Donnell. (Remember they spent millions of dollars “proving” he got a blow job. Maybe they should have used that money to get a couple blowjobs instead).

I admit, I was happy when the Dems won back Congress last year. I thought, “At last some semblance of balance again.” But now I remember why they were voted out last time. They let the Reps bully them so much over the past 10 or so years that they don’t seem to have much fight left in them. It’s pitiful. America gave them another chance, and they’re going to piss it away. And please spare me the, “They can’t do anything because of Bush.” Yes, they can.

They can start the impeachment process against him. If Clinton can get pushed into a corner for having an affair, then surely there’s enough reason to do the same to Bush. (And before some Rep says, “Hey dog, Clinton committed perjury.” Yes, he did, and 99% of men who cheat on their wives would do the same thing. LIE. It was a brilliant move by Reps I’ll give them that, but spare me the “Moral Outrage”).

Bush needs to be removed from Office. Right fucking now! He’s made a mockery of the Presidency, and more importantly, he’s made a mockery of this Country. We are a joke around the world with our Clown President and his Three Ring Administration. We have lost almost all credibility even among long time allies. We are still taking the full brunt of this war despite the fact that our Kegger and Chief has had over five years to gain support. Instead he’s lost support, and he’s only following the same script he’s always followed. If Bush is in control, whatever he controls gets worse and worse as time passes. And when it finally falls apart he somehow manages to walk away unscathed. Not this time. Impeach his Ass before it’s too late.

When I think about my daughter growing up in this country it terrifies me. In 30+ years, when she’s my age, what will America look like?


~ by fairlane on August 13, 2008.

18 Responses to “Are You a Man? Or…Are You on Mushrooms?”

  1. I enjoyed your rant, and agree with most of it, especially with the fact that the dems have not only bent over in the last 10 years, but apparently have greased themselves liberally (pun intended) to make it easier for Bush and his neocon buddies to rear-end them over and over again.

    not pretty, and I share your concerns for your kids’ future.

    I am not remotely thinking about raising kids in the US any more.

    some small, island nation maybe…

  2. That is something that has truly frustrated me. I cannot understand why they never stand up to vitriol from the Right.

    But then again, when I hear them try maybe it’s best they don’t. That “Air America”, is morbidly dull.

    I honestly think these are the roles they agreed upon in some secret meeting back in the 80’s.

  3. i really enjoy this place. you keep a smile on my face!!!

  4. Thank you Victoria, we do our best.

  5. Very funny. At the same time, very, very depressing. If there were ever a reason to lower the percentage of the popular vote that a third party has to get in order to receive equal funding to campaign with this is it. The two parties we are forced to vote for are turning into a bad “Dumb and Dumber” remake.
    You forgot to mention the first goof by the new Democratic majority in Congress. “Let’s name Nancy Pelosi as speaker”, I lost all hope for a change in Washington the moment the announcement was made.
    Once again the Dems managed to put the least acceptable/qualified person out in front. I think they are translating Stalin’s memoirs for their next Amnesty International gathering.

  6. It truly is disappointing. The Democrats and Republicans let us down time and again, but we have no viable alternatives.
    I really thought Perot was going to change that in the 1990’s when he won 20% of the popular vote. But no Third Party seized his momentum.
    Americans are brainwashed into believing the only choices are Pepsi or Coke.

  7. Speaking of Pelosi, and impeachment. She took that off the table before the Dems even took office.

    Surrender before the war starts. Just what we asked for when we voted for them.

  8. Politicians! Bush Jr is a moron. But he’s got some clever behind him, I suspect. Our PM is not a moron, but he is very clever at playing on people’s prejudices.

    For me it’s a question of voting for the ones I hate the least, not the ones I like…there aren’t any I like.

  9. I agree Jon, I thought Perot was going to make a land mark win. If he hadn’t withdrawn and then tried to re-enter. He should have fucked the Republicans and Democrats like a banker; stick it in and leave it in.
    All kidding aside I really have decided that RC is a fine cola product.

  10. With all due respect, I have to disagree with a couple of your points. First, Natalie Maines was precisely the right person to speak out, because it WAS so unexpected for someone in country music to oppose a president. It was a very courageous thing to do.

    And for all the challenges Jimmy Carter had during his presidency he may be the only president to actually improve his standing/image once leaving office. His humanitarian work cannot be denied. That he builds houses for homeless people — the very folks being most hurt by this president — makes him an excellent spokesperson. I only wish he had stood his ground more when challenged by the Rove spin machine.


  11. You don’t have to respectfully disagree. You can call me a sonofabitch if you want.

    “I respect Natalie Maines and all for standing by her principles and almost derailing her career to do so”

    The point being she was in another country when she said it. It was “brave” but unhelpful.

    And yes Carter is a kind man that’s why he was such a shitty President. But his administration is one of the worst in history, and to criticize a sitting President is something he should avoid.

    Now, if Bush continues his dumbass ways after leaving office, then Carter can criticize him for being the worst “Ex-President” in history.

  12. Why do you have to write so distressingly about such distressing things? Seriously, you have a point that makes a liberal guy grind his teeth at night. Mr. Carter, why are you saying this? Talk about commitment to peace or international dialog for God’s sake, not about running the country into the ground.

    Also, I wanted to thank you for the tip regarding Blue Gal’s poetry contest. I entered my small contribution last night. Keep it real (that was an urban, hip-hop expression, ironic in its intent and usage because I am neither urban nor hip-hop).

  13. aw, jimminy carter wasn’t so bad. America was still reeling from the nixon years, massive inflation…. he was a man in a spot that was way over his head. At least he has enough integrity, as an ex-president and say this one is really fucked up.

    I would really like another ex-president to say the same thing. In fact…. I would like to call George H Bush out….and have him declare what is obvious to everyone; that our current shithead is the worst shit head we have every had.

    Then, and only then, could I respect a Republican. C’mon, GHB, if jimminy can do it, you can do it!

  14. FAIRLANE: I’ve come to think of Chimpy as an absolute political genius.

    He turned a prosperous country at peace into a poor country in multiple wars with more on the boil.

    Debt and deficit you know about.

    Betrayal of his country to “enemies” Radical Islamic Saudi Arabia and “Communist” China.

    Orwellian mechanisms of Church/Police control grooved in for generations.

    Lie after lie after lie after lie…ad nauseum.

    Yet…he won a second term. And no matter his approval rating, he’s gotten half the USA to stop worrying and learn to love Stalinism and getting dicked over and over again.

    Half the country is ready to elected a sicker, more overt, more twisted and hateful version of the chimp. Don’t tell me for a second he wasn’t popular.

    He got everything he wanted from Congress and had a perfect record of fuckups and cruelty. Furthermore, his repulsive subalterns Powell and Rice were masterful at driving a wedge deeply into the black community and his neo-cons were masterful at driving a wedge deep into the jewish community.

    His “liberal” approach to “immigration reform” drove a wedge into the Mexican-American community. His religio-fascism set Protestants and Catholics against each other and against themselves.

    His record has truly been deserving of an A+ in every area.

    I do advocate for Obama,but there’s something kind of sick in me that would like to see just how much worse Mccain will make it. He would make it worse without doubt. Just bring the whole thing to a head already.

    Why not?

  15. I think I may be a ‘man on mushrooms’. lemmee check.

  16. There’s no success like failure and unless you’re seeing the fruition of their plan to undermine the US government to the point where it can be drowned in a bathtub then you won’t recognize their success at all.

  17. For some reason, it’s always easier for the eastcoast media elites to point out flaws and shortcoming in Democratic presidents than in Republican presidents.

    Perhaps, someone wiser than me can explain this?

    Carter, was essentially a decent man and probably not the best choice for president but compare and contrast the mess that was Reagan or Bush II, and Carter seems fairly accomplished.

    Even today, most economists and certainly, most members of the eastcoast media elites, can’t quite bring themselves to say we’re in a recession — after all, to do so would reflect badly on George W. Bush and we wouldn’t want to do that because he’s a “wartime president.”

  18. i think it’s the “media elites” IN GENERAL that are in denial about the economic downturn we are currently facing, NOT just the “eastcoast” ones. and the KEY reason they are in denial or don’t want to talk about it is because they know nothing about economics to begin with. a little like john mccain. but at least he has the sense to admit he’s an idiot.

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