(The best of fairlane) Bridge in Minneapolis Collapses, Bush Vows “Quick Response,” Hell Freezes Over
This is the latest installment in my “best of fairlane” series.
Be sure to tune into PBS later this month for a round table discussion.
In a press conference today addressing the collapsed bridge in Minneapolis, President Bush vowed, “I’ll be right there Minneapolis.”
He then went on to place blame squarely where it belonged, on the state of Minnesota, “The Bush administration said Thursday that structural deficiencies were found two years ago in the highway bridge that collapsed in Minneapolis, and it was the state’s responsibility to fix them.”
Lake Wobegon my ass.
Needless to say, people all over the country are freaking the fuck out because, “According to the Federal Highway Administration, there are 75,422 bridges nationwide that carry a “structurally deficient” classification.”
Hey but who’s counting?
The cool thing is we have billions to spend in Iraq to help rebuild their infrastructure so they can re-blow it up, but here in the states, the Land of the Free, and Home of the Broke, it’s “Cross the Bridge at Your Own Peril.”
Bush promised to fly over Minneapolis later this week on his way to his vacation home in Texas.
I really admire Bush. I really do. He is the most consistent Mother Fucker I’ve ever seen. He doesn’t give a shit about anything, and I mean anything. You know how hard that is? Even Bundy loved something, Porno I think.
Shit, he’s indifferent no matter what happens.
He even took the opportunity to get a little jab in on old Minnersorta.
Forget the fact that every state in the Union is fucking broke.
Hell, here in Kentucky we’re still trying to repair damage from the Civil War.
*Side note: In defense of the “Bluegrass State,” I’ll have you know that despite our reputation for being a bunch a chaw choking, sister fucking, illiterate hillbillies, we did not join the Confederacy in the Civil War. Eat Shit Tennessee! Of course, that may be attributed to everyone in the state being drunk off their asses on some of that fine Kentucky Whiskey, but Hey, who’s counting?)
*Additional side note: During the Initial Debate for secession, “religious leaders” in the South referred to Abolitionists in the North as “atheists.” Sound Familiar?
*Additional additional side not: Can you imagine if we let the South secede? A country made up of TN., GA., TX., VI.,N.C. FL.,MS.,LA.,AL.,S.C. and AR.? Holy shit, what would they call such a country, Redneckistan? What would their currency be made of, Old Milwaukee Labels?
Anyway, enough Civil War history.
Does Bush have any reason to be running his mouth? Sections of New Orleans continue to look like the Dark Side of the Moon to this day. Almost two fucking years later!
But hey, who’s counting?
This guy is truly remarkable. Steadfast, resolute, utterly indifferent, regardless. I’m telling you, that shit ain’t easy.
Even the little Sociopaths I used to work with would cry if you brought up their moms or their grandmothers. But Bush? It’s “Fuck You Very Much,” all day, every day.
Another interesting aspect of this situation, will be just how long will it take for them to rebuild this bridge?
They let New Orleans drown for over a week before they moved. This is nowhere near that serious, so, the excuse of, “We couldn’t get in there” will simply not fly.
And did they learn from New Orleans? No, I don’t think they did because we, meaning Americans, really didn’t seem to get all that upset that one of our largest, most culturally diverse, and interesting cities was sitting at the bottom of the Fucking Ocean. We feigned it, “Gosh, that doesn’t seem right. You have any more of those Funyuns?” But we were pretty indifferent as well.
But Minnesota is like 129% White. (I realize it’s not that high, but some of those fuckers are so WHITE they are like Whitey Cubed).
Somehow I’m not sure it will be different though. Today is Thursday, the bridge collapsed on Wednesday, and Bush plans making it there sometime Saturday.
Okay, he’s a couple days ahead of schedule.
Laura Bush plans on visiting Friday to model one of her new skin tight (Thanks Tengrain) outfits, and kick off her “Bridge the Gap” Campaign. (Damn, I’m not even sure if that is funny enough to warrant the potential onslaught of hate mail. But hey, who’s counting?)
Federal Highway Administrator J. Richard Capka said the United States needs $100,000,000,000,000,000,000 to fix all the infrastructure problems in this Country, and as a solution, Bush proposed another Tax Cut and war against Delaware. (What the fuck do they do in Delaware? Kentucky is in the National News more than Delaware. Sure, it may be because some man married his six daughters and they all had babies with 5 arms, and three mouths, but hey, who’s counting? I can’t even find a decent picture of Delaware on Photobucket, and they have over 3 billion pictures!)
Liberals are up in arms, only two though, using this opportunity to attack Bush and his indifference to our impending Infrastructural disaster, but in typical Bush fashion he shrugged his shoulders, smirked, and said, “Who gives a shit? The entire Democratic Party is chock full of Pussies anyway.”
Maybe not all of them, maybe only 79.4789% of them.
But hey, who’s counting?
All the while the war rages on, and Bush continues to live like he’s the Emperor, and we sit around waiting for the Democrats to do something, while their apologists tell us to “Stay the Course,” “Hang in there,” “Have faith,” “Don’t be a negative Nelly,” on and fucking on they blather.
Forget we’ve been waiting seven years for someone, anyone, to make a stand, even a simple gesture, anything only to be rebuked time and time again.
But hey, who’s counting?