(The best of fairlane) Bridge in Minneapolis Collapses, Bush Vows “Quick Response,” Hell Freezes Over

This is the latest installment in my “best of fairlane” series.

Be sure to tune into PBS later this month for a round table discussion.


In a press conference today addressing the collapsed bridge in Minneapolis, President Bush vowed, “I’ll be right there Minneapolis.”

He then went on to place blame squarely where it belonged, on the state of Minnesota, “The Bush administration said Thursday that structural deficiencies were found two years ago in the highway bridge that collapsed in Minneapolis, and it was the state’s responsibility to fix them.”

Lake Wobegon my ass.

Needless to say, people all over the country are freaking the fuck out because, “According to the Federal Highway Administration, there are 75,422 bridges nationwide that carry a “structurally deficient” classification.”

Hey but who’s counting?

The cool thing is we have billions to spend in Iraq to help rebuild their infrastructure so they can re-blow it up, but here in the states, the Land of the Free, and Home of the Broke, it’s “Cross the Bridge at Your Own Peril.”

Bush promised to fly over Minneapolis later this week on his way to his vacation home in Texas.

I really admire Bush. I really do. He is the most consistent Mother Fucker I’ve ever seen. He doesn’t give a shit about anything, and I mean anything. You know how hard that is? Even Bundy loved something, Porno I think.

But Bush?

Shit, he’s indifferent no matter what happens.

He even took the opportunity to get a little jab in on old Minnersorta.

Forget the fact that every state in the Union is fucking broke.

Hell, here in Kentucky we’re still trying to repair damage from the Civil War.

*Side note: In defense of the “Bluegrass State,” I’ll have you know that despite our reputation for being a bunch a chaw choking, sister fucking, illiterate hillbillies, we did not join the Confederacy in the Civil War. Eat Shit Tennessee! Of course, that may be attributed to everyone in the state being drunk off their asses on some of that fine Kentucky Whiskey, but Hey, who’s counting?)

*Additional side note: During the Initial Debate for secession, “religious leaders” in the South referred to Abolitionists in the North as “atheists.” Sound Familiar?

*Additional additional side not: Can you imagine if we let the South secede? A country made up of TN., GA., TX., VI.,N.C. FL.,MS.,LA.,AL.,S.C. and AR.? Holy shit, what would they call such a country, Redneckistan? What would their currency be made of, Old Milwaukee Labels?

Anyway, enough Civil War history.

Does Bush have any reason to be running his mouth? Sections of New Orleans continue to look like the Dark Side of the Moon to this day. Almost two fucking years later!

But hey, who’s counting?

This guy is truly remarkable. Steadfast, resolute, utterly indifferent, regardless. I’m telling you, that shit ain’t easy.

Even the little Sociopaths I used to work with would cry if you brought up their moms or their grandmothers. But Bush? It’s “Fuck You Very Much,” all day, every day.

Another interesting aspect of this situation, will be just how long will it take for them to rebuild this bridge?

They let New Orleans drown for over a week before they moved. This is nowhere near that serious, so, the excuse of, “We couldn’t get in there” will simply not fly.

And did they learn from New Orleans? No, I don’t think they did because we, meaning Americans, really didn’t seem to get all that upset that one of our largest, most culturally diverse, and interesting cities was sitting at the bottom of the Fucking Ocean. We feigned it, “Gosh, that doesn’t seem right. You have any more of those Funyuns?” But we were pretty indifferent as well.

But Minnesota is like 129% White. (I realize it’s not that high, but some of those fuckers are so WHITE they are like Whitey Cubed).

Somehow I’m not sure it will be different though. Today is Thursday, the bridge collapsed on Wednesday, and Bush plans making it there sometime Saturday.

Okay, he’s a couple days ahead of schedule.

Laura Bush plans on visiting Friday to model one of her new skin tight (Thanks Tengrain) outfits, and kick off her “Bridge the Gap” Campaign. (Damn, I’m not even sure if that is funny enough to warrant the potential onslaught of hate mail. But hey, who’s counting?)

Federal Highway Administrator J. Richard Capka said the United States needs $100,000,000,000,000,000,000 to fix all the infrastructure problems in this Country, and as a solution, Bush proposed another Tax Cut and war against Delaware. (What the fuck do they do in Delaware? Kentucky is in the National News more than Delaware. Sure, it may be because some man married his six daughters and they all had babies with 5 arms, and three mouths, but hey, who’s counting? I can’t even find a decent picture of Delaware on Photobucket, and they have over 3 billion pictures!)

Liberals are up in arms, only two though, using this opportunity to attack Bush and his indifference to our impending Infrastructural disaster, but in typical Bush fashion he shrugged his shoulders, smirked, and said, “Who gives a shit? The entire Democratic Party is chock full of Pussies anyway.”

Maybe not all of them, maybe only 79.4789% of them.

But hey, who’s counting?

All the while the war rages on, and Bush continues to live like he’s the Emperor, and we sit around waiting for the Democrats to do something, while their apologists tell us to “Stay the Course,” “Hang in there,” “Have faith,” “Don’t be a negative Nelly,” on and fucking on they blather.

Forget we’ve been waiting seven years for someone, anyone, to make a stand, even a simple gesture, anything only to be rebuked time and time again.

But hey, who’s counting?


~ by fairlane on August 19, 2008.

13 Responses to “(The best of fairlane) Bridge in Minneapolis Collapses, Bush Vows “Quick Response,” Hell Freezes Over”

  1. Damn, I thought the same thing but in a different way. And, I did hear an elected official say that the bridge will be rebuilt “before” anything in the Gulf is, because it’s “smaller and the gulf is more spread out.”

    Gag me with a spoon, and your “white cubed” is pretty funny.

    Yep, money going everywhere but here, america crumbles before our very eyes, yet, the same people seem to get re=elected.

    It boggles the mind! ; (

  2. That is one hell of a post.

  3. “Redneckistan” ?!?

    “Whitey Cubed”?!?

    I’m dying over here. Great Post…

    Sigh…I hope people are happy…the country is literally falling apart…but gay people can’t get married and we all know that is really what matters.


  4. Great post, Fairlane! Your satire is brilliant. But in all honesty, The federal government shouldn’t be taking care of infrastructure issues which are incumbent upon the states. That mentality (the victim mentality, the you owe me mentality) is precisely what is helping to tear this country down. I’ve seen enough bad decisions made by the feds to permanently cure me of EVER wanting them to oversee, facilitate, donate dinero, or whatever to fix things which should rightfully be our responsibility anyway. And why can’t the states get their act together? Well, they’ve had a great role model in the federal government. Ya know, it’s the less personal responsibility and more entitlement plan. Iraq not withstanding, it’s probably why they can’t afford to fix the damn roads in the first place. Incompetent? You bet! Inept? Absolutely! Wasteful? Yep! The sooner we get the bureaucratic monkey off our backs and start taking care of business as opposed to waiting for the Feds to “fix it,” the better off we’ll all be. Can I get an Amen?

  5. Boris- I agree to some extent, but in the case of New Orleans that is clearly under the Fed’s jurisdiction. The levees were/are their responsibility and so is the rebuilding process.

    And most states are flat out broke. They don’t have the tax base to support themselves. Especially the Red States. Without the Feds most Red States, including good old Kentuck, would sink, go under, fall off the earth. Right now Louisville, where I live, has about 25% of the state’s population, around 1.2 million people. Yet, we pay over 40% of the state’s taxes. If Louisville’s economy ever tanked, which it’s doing, this state is fucked. Well, we’re already fucked, but fucked more.

    It’s easy to say we don’t need the Feds, but most states do need the Feds. And if we can afford to rebuild other countries, after we blow them up, why can’t we afford to take care of our own country? I honestly believe that’s a question that is not addressed often enough.

    The cost of education is going up, the cost of day to day goods is going up, gas, energy, rent, health insurance, everything is going up, except for wages,which are going down.

    This is how they want it, if it wasn’t it wouldn’t be this way. We’re on a slave ship set adrift in the open ocean, and we’re told, “Don’t complain, stop whining, it’s your fault, pull yourself up by your bootstraps.”


  6. Honestly, if I lived in Minnesota I wouldn’t even want the guy to come. At this point it’s almost disrespectful–waltzing in half a week later and distracting the search efforts.

    Let’s just hope he doesn’t bust out the bullhorn.

  7. I understand Chimpy McStagger is going to air-lift in large vats of Mayo to keep the white citizens, um, slathered in their favorite dressing.



  8. Coffee- You know, I almost thought that, but then I didn’t.

    As long as the Iraqis can eat at McDonald’s, I feel like “Mission Accomplished.”

    Morse- Much obliged, and I appreciate the link as well.

    Cluizel- I do my best. I don’t know where that shit comes from. Most of my posts are essentially ad-libbed. Sometimes they work, sometimes they…Well, there’s no need to be negative.

    M F V- No doubt, he’s such a Grandiose Bastard. Sociopathic I say. I’ve said that since the first time I saw him on tv. His affect is inappropriate. Reminds me of some of my former clients. One of whom told me, “You’re cool and all for a counselor, but if you ever stepped in our hood we’d probably kill you.”

    “Gee thanks man.”

    Ten- You’ve given me three or four ideas for posts now. I can’t keep up. I’m thinking Bush at the Mayo clinic, a colonoscopy, and…

  9. Everyone here in “Redneckistan” knows that the currency would be NASCAR memorabilia – called Earnhardts. They would come in denominations of 3 and 8 only. Jeez, fairlane, you should know that.

  10. If that damn bridge would have had the sense to fall down during the Republican Convention this year, perhaps it would have really gotten their attention. Or not.

    There will prolly be enough hookers that the ‘pugs won’t notice anything anyway.

  11. Hey, my GA ass can kick your Kentuckian ass ANY DAY! But, I agree with all your points, as usual.

  12. Great post.

    There are other points that Boris should be aware of (though a year later probably isn’t going to help):

    During the Reagan years, states were forced to raise their drinking age to 21 or else lose their federal highway money. This amounts to extortion. The states need the money from the federal government. Although it was a federal mandate, kinda like No Child Left Behind, it’s the states’ responsibility to maintain the portions of interstate highways that are within their borders. Luckily (unlike NCLB) the money comes through most of the time, though quite often they still need to beg their congressmen to get the money appropriated. So, if the states were to pay for all the highway repairs/maintenance themselves, they’d have to raise taxes or build tolls.

    My state, Connecticut, is actually running a surplus this year, which is quite surprising. But with a sales and income tax, maybe it isn’t. For some reason, the Democrat controlled legislature is working with our Republican governor in a fiscally reasonable manner. Go figure!

  13. HAR! Good stuff here. Is KY somewhere near WV? Sounds so much the same. . .
    “KY” I think there’s a put down I could come up with, but who’s counting.
    Oh man, love those hot Barbies. . . I’m gunna git me summa them.

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