Jonestown Asks; Dear Mr. Spam Dude, Where Were You When Russell Tavares Needed You?

Well, here we are again with another Classic.

Drink it in slow.

You don’t want to get Motion Sickness.

Jonestown-12:35 am

(If only this guy was able to reach Russell Tavares with his Fioricet before Tavares left for Texas)

Hello !
fioricet http://fioricet–

The Author, you – genius…
phentermine mine http://phentermine–

Excellent forum with fantastic references and reading…. well done indeed…
tramadol http://tramadol–

The Author, you – genius…
adipex http://adipex–

The Pleasing text and design!
viagra for woman http://viagra-for-woman–.com
Good luck!

I love the Spam we get here at Jonestown, and I especially love this Spam artist. He’s a true master.

First, he refers to me as a “genius” not once, but twice! “The Author (He means me) you…(Pregnant pause) genius.”

That’s a very perceptive Bot if I do say so myself, and I do.

He (it) also thinks my “text” and “design” are “pleasing.” In what way are they pleasing I wonder? Visually, erotically perhaps? Does he think Jonestown is sexy?

I’ve had people compliment my text or my design, but never both simultaneously.

“Excellent forum with fantastic references and reading…well done indeed.”


Obviously, that sentence was written by a white dude. No one uses the word “fantastic” other than those guys who stand at the bar pointing their “gun finger,” at the babes.

“Hey baby, that’s fantastic.” (Gun finger pointing, eye winking, ultra white dude voice. He may even make a click noise as he bang bangs his gun).

Who buys this crap? Does anyone in the entire world respond to Spam? I realize they must or I wouldn’t get 30 pieces of the shit every fucking day, but I’ve never met anyone who responds, and definitely never anyone that buys Fioricet from a Bot.

Fioricet is a Barbiturate, and is not only extremely addictive, but potentially lethal. I won’t even go into how illegal it is to buy it without a prescription. What dumbass tries to buy drugs illegally over the Internet? Why not just call the Police yourself and tell them where the bodies are?

It reminds me of this guy I used to hang around occasionally many years ago. The dude was a big time Heroin addict, and being an obvious “genius” he decided to sell it as well. Why the fuck not, right?

Somehow he found a supplier in California, which is cool, but as far as I know he never met the guy, and was basically “trusting” him. Yep, I always trust people who deal in Heroin. If they’re known for anything it’s their trustworthiness. Fucking Dumb Fuck!

Well, they make this ingenuous arrangement. Cali Heroin dude is going to Mail the Horse across the country to Louisville Heroin dude. What could possibly go wrong?

*Stupid Ass Alert!!! If you placed a mail order for Heroin, don’t tell people about it!!*

So, after a few days waiting the Smack is due to arrive, and the Junkies are pissing themselves in anticipation.

(The rest of the story is anecdotal or how I imagine it. I do my best not to hang out at someone’s house the day the are set to receive Heroin via REGISTERED MAIL).

“Knock, knock.”

“Oh my God, oh my God! It’s here, it’s here! Holy shit dude get the gear out! Oh my fucking God I can’t believe it’s finally here!”

(Opens door)

“Uh, thanks dude. You’re the greatest and you don’t even know it.” (Signs that he just received a half kilogram of Heroin and shuts door).

“Man dude this is so fucking awesome. We are fucking geniuses.”

“Knock, knock.”

“Who the fuck is that?”

“It’s probably just the Post Office Dude. Maybe he forgot his pen. I’m always doing that when I deliver Pizzas.”

(Opens door)


Guess what dumbshit? The DEA tracked your package all the way from California right to your house, and then waited for you to sign that you received it.

Ain’t that a bitch?

Anyway. Back to spam dude. Does he think I’m that stupid? If so, he’s clearly sending me mixed messages. On one hand he calls me a “genius”, not once, but twice, and then he wants me to buy Barbiturates over teh Internets?

Sorry guy, I’m not interested. I prefer to purchase illegal drugs the old fashioned way. From Cops.

Mr. Spam Generating Jerkoff is going to rue the day I’m elected Emperor. (Oh, it will happen. You wait and see). After I’m finished tracking down the 25% of Americans who continue to think Bush is doing a “Great Job,”

I’m coming for his ass next.


~ by fairlane on August 22, 2008.

18 Responses to “Jonestown Asks; Dear Mr. Spam Dude, Where Were You When Russell Tavares Needed You?”

  1. Very nice. I get the same crap. I’m getting fairly speedy at hitting the “Delete All” button.

  2. That’s generally what I do, but sometimes they’re fun to look at, and stuff that’s not spam gets caught in there as well.

  3. I have the entire Reconstitution site set up to simply respond with “forbidden” errors upon finding key phrases like these. It’s mush easier than having to go take them out myself later.

  4. ROFL fairlane, you write the funniest blog around hehehehehe.

    The scientifically impossible I do right away
    The spiritually miraculous takes a bit longer

  5. I’m so jealous. All my spam is in Chinese, so I have no idea what glowing things they are (surely) saying about me.

    It is to sigh….

  6. jolly- as i said most of the time i don’t mind it too much. i like trying to figure out how i get on these mailing lists, “black huge black men.” what the fuck is that, and why are they sending it to me?

    it’s rather humorous and every now and then you get a decent post out of it.

    clap- appreciate it. sometimes i don’t know. being funny in print isn’t easy, and i have a strange sense of humor.

    phy- damn i was getting worried about you. good to see you’re still around.

  7. Yep, I’ve been getting a ton of spam and most goes into the filter but still it’s annoying as hell!

    great post! 😉

  8. What a moron. He should have Fed Ex’d the dope.

  9. suzie- much obliged

    mighty- it all went downhill once he decided he was going to be the white tony montana. moron.

    he couldn’t sell a half kilo of smack in a year. should have just stayed with using it. selling it is for grown-ups.

  10. Wow!

    Just Wow!

    (And I swear, I am not the Cali heroin dealer, so quit askin’.)



  11. What? Cheney’s gonna be pissed that his Green Room snack at CNN was snagged.

  12. Eating pussy doesn’t seem very presidentitude.
    Besides, Morse is right—-Cheney depends on these comfort foods for his inner psychopathic child.

  13. i eat spam with green eggs and ham. otherwise i ‘select all’ and delete it without hesitation. if it’s important, someone will email me again or call me. as for rx online, that’s some dangerous stuff… what happened to going to the corner and buying from the thugs??

  14. Ten-I’m glad you enjoyed it, but I must confess. I did not create that picture. I found it on photobucket. I thought it apropos to our conversation about throwing that death cat at Cheney. But it was still heartfelt.

    And I would never attempt to steal your “Snark Thunder,” you are the true master.

    Morse- There’s plenty more where that came from. He has the majority of the Senate to choose from, bunch of pussies.

    Jimmy- I’m simply trying to keep the Bush persona consistent.

    As for Cheney, my comment above sufficiently covers the VP.

    Raffi- By deleting it all, you are possibly missing out on some gems. Why this morning I got an offer to view some “Fetus Photographs!” Who could possibly turn down such an offer?

    Getting it via mail involves less movement.

  15. There truly are dumb people on this earth. Not far from where I live, a guy called the cops to report his house had been broken into and someone had stolen a bunch of his marijuana plants plus some other stuff. He sure did.

    My favorite spam is the stuff that comes with some kind of funky characters typed into the subject line. I have no idea what the characters are. Why the hell would I open an email when I can’t even read the subject line? Those get into the deleted file at warp speed.

  16. Pop- I saw something like that on “Cops” one night.

    This lady called the Cops because she gave some dude $20 for crack, and he wouldn’t give it to her. She wanted the PoPo to make him hand it over.

  17. Seriously bad gene pools sitting around out there. Thank goodness we have avoided stepping in them.

  18. Ha, I getzit! Doan buy drugs on line. Or at least never use the postal service, use UPS.

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