Faith Based Toys: Coming To A Wal-Mart Near You! Jonestown Has Exclusive Pics

This is one of my All Time Favorites.

You just can’t find this kind of Quality on the Innertubes anymore.

Alas.

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According to our inside sources here at Jonestown, Wal-Mart Stores will begin carrying Religious based Action Figures in response to what they see as a “demand” for “faith based toys.”

Wal-Mart plans on trying the toys out in 425 of their 3,376 Discount Stores and Supercenters throughout Mississippi.

The “faith based toys”, made by One2believe, are designed to compete with the “evil” images we see portrayed so often in children’s Action Figures.

David Socha, the Chief Executive, said his “faith based toys” were part of the “battle for the toy box.” When asked why many Christian slogans seem to involve violence, battles, wars etc, Mr. Socha responded by saying, “If you’re very religious, it’s a battle for your children’s minds.” Off the record he relaxed and put the slogans aside.

Shit man this thing is a cash cow. Look at how many of these mouthbreathers are lining up to get into that Creation Museum? They’ll buy anything as long as you tell them it’s “Religious.”

One2Believe, which mainly sells its “faith based toys” in Churches, believes the market is ripe for toys with a more wholesome, Right Wing Christian message, as does Wal-Mart “spokeswoman” Melissa O’Brien, “It is a test. It’s not a national rollout.”

She then went on to say, “I think there is an interest in faith-based toys.” The toys are set to hit the Wal-Mart shelves sometime in August of this year.

Through our usual channels (Impropriety, malfeasance, and all around nasty behavior) Jonestown obtained photographs of several of One2believe’s prototypes, which we will now share with you. (In good “faith”, of course).

Enjoy.

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Mr. Jesus-An alien from the Planet Densa where the inhabitants strictly adhere to “logic,” and “reason.” Mr. Jesus came here on a Mission to teach Earthlings how to use “logic,” and “reason” by getting them to discard science, and to follow, instead, a book written two thousand years ago that is contradictory, and filled with ridiculous stories about men building Arks large enough to hold two of every animal on the face of the Earth.

He also comes with the “Densa Nerve Pinch”, which can drain up to 30 I.Q. points from his victims.

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Walker Texas Jesus-A lawman fighting the “good fight.” Recites Bible verses before kicking the teeth out of would be secularist baby killers.

Comes with authentic back hair and mustache.

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G.I. Jesus-Part of the “Christian Army” hell bent on killing everyone, I mean, every sinner, in their way.

Equipped with “Hot as Hell Flamethrower”, and “Holy Hand Grenades” for those times when the “Moral Relativists” need a little molten shrapnel up their relative asses.

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Hillbilly Jesus-Unparalleled realism! A true role model for kids, especially burgeoning young men.

Figure equipped with 12 kids of his own that he hasn’t seen in 3 years, $75,000 in arrearage, Restraining Order, Trailer, and realer than life Mullet weaved from the finest possum hair a person could find on the side of the road.

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B.A. BaJesus-Founding member of the “J-Team”, and all around bad ass.

Equipped with 15 different 10k gold nugget rings, six 10k gold rope necklaces, a medallion that says, “Missy”, and a pair of brass knuckles for crushing the skulls of “Commie College Kids.”

Also able to utter four authentically “Colored” phrases:

“Home Schooling is where it’s at, Fool!”

“Creationism not Darwinism, Fool!”

“Don’t do drugs, do Jesus, Fool!”

“That’s enough of that Secularist Jibber-Jabber, Fool!”

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Aqua Teen Jesus Force-Those lovable characters from “Adult Swim” are back, but this time they have a Message for us all, “Salvation.”

Your children will be astounded when they “Witness” how we turned characters loved by hallucinogen fiends everywhere into wholesome, clean, fun-loving Missionaries.

They’ll tremble beneath the might of “Holy Shake” and his “Crucifix of Perpetual Warfare and Oil Addiction.”

They’ll laugh till their sides split at the zany antics of “St. Thomas of Meatball” as he clogs their arteries and turns them into mouthbreathing shitheels.

Their hearts will swell with pride, as Freedom Fry defends Marriage and the American Way of Life by killing all faggots, queers, butthumpers, dykes, butches, fudge-tunnelers and any other kind of “Abomination” without Mercy.

Plus as an added bonus!

All Action Figures have their own life sized poster of a Dead Fetus! So they too can participate along with the rest of the family during the next “Pro-Life” Demonstration.

And… As a super duper special feature…

We are also including Ted Haggard’s latest book, “Hate is the Christian Thing to Do; And Golly Gee Willickers Little Billy Sure Has Grown.”

(Coming to Wal-Mart stores August 2007)

I’m not sure what these pictures are. One scares the shit out of me, and the other is apparently what Jesus would look and act like if they had anabolic steroids 2000 years ago.

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~ by fairlane on August 23, 2008.

16 Responses to “Faith Based Toys: Coming To A Wal-Mart Near You! Jonestown Has Exclusive Pics”

  1. My goodness! Somehow I find the idea of a “Jesus on the cross” doll or a “Moses” doll a bit disturbing. I’m sure I saw a Moses in Kmart here.

  2. Try the new John the Baptist Doll, with action pop-off head!

    The Onion made me laugh out loud this morning with their “word on the street.”

    I’ll give it to you , JT. I really like your site!

    HJ

  3. That’s some prime shit, fairlane!

    Did you see Dr. Monkey’s take on this?

  4. LE- Good to hear from you. Haven’t seen you around in a while.

    It’s shameless if you ask me. Jesus Toys?

    I don’t remember Jesus being much into Capitalism.

    But what do I know?

    HJ- Appreciate it. We enjoy your blog as well.

    Your Onion link didn’t work.

    Phy-Thanks.

    Sometimes I read my posts over and over. (At least that way someone is reading them).

    They crack me up. I don’t know if that means I’m self-centered but I think the shit is funny.

  5. OMG, first I can’t believe the real ones are actually going to happen but no matter, yours are the best. The redneck Jesus is my favorite.

    You have to wonder what the hell this world is coming to when we have pretend action figures to stuff religion down the throats of kids. Jesus!
    And I don’t mean that in a good way.

    You not only make yourself laugh, you always make me laugh! Thank YOU!

  6. ROFL! I think that these “jesus” toys will wind up on the bargain bench in no time. When they drop in price, pick em up cheap, they will be collectors items some day.

    The scientifically impossible I do right away
    The spiritually miraculous takes a bit longer

  7. Does the Mary doll come with kneepads or is she full of grace?

    Regards,

    Tengrain

  8. Mary can’t be sold in stores until they sell out of the “Hillbilly Jesus.” They’re not allowed to be within 500 feet of one another.

  9. I live in S.C. This visit was a pipeline of fresh air!:)

    Are you going to do one on “Faith Based Whore Houses?”

    Seems timely.;)

  10. Dan, I think you may be onto something there my friend.

    “Faith Based Whore Houses.” Hmmmmm.

    That’s fucking brilliant!

  11. I betcha Mr. Vitter can give you some background on the faith based whore houses, if you ask him.

  12. I wanna buy the one of Abraham agreeing to sacrifice his first born son. That should scare the crap out of some of the little christians. Hope they have a lake of fire like I was threatened with as a child. I was born again the day I said goodbye to the Baptists!

  13. The story I read said they weren’t going to have soddom and gomorrah toys. Damn, I guess they didn’t consult Ted Haggard on that one.

    This story deserves to be lampooned.

  14. That’s hilarious.

  15. I think there is supposed to be a caption under those two guys at the end, referring to Wal Mart: “Even these guys think you are an idiot.” Walmart that is, not you fairlaine, you da man.

    (<;

  16. Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. 🙂 Cheers! Sandra. R.

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