What Do We Really Know About Mitt Romney?

This post was directly responsible for Mitt Romney’s loss in the Republican Presidential Primary.

You can thank me later.


fairlane127.jpgAn amazing fossil discovery in Africa, threatens to turn the Theory of Evolution on its head.

Meave Leakey, a member of a famous family of Paleontologists, discovered that it’s very likely that Homo erectus, and Homo habilis lived at the same time rather then one evolving from the other.

The original theory was that Homo erectus evolved from Homo habilis, and then eventually Homo erectus evolved into Homo sapiens.

This latest discovery puts yet another nail in the coffin of the long held belief that modern man evolved from a knuckle dragging ape in a nice neat progression.

Mitt+Romney

According to Leakey this find illustrates that our history is a, “chaotic kind of looking evolutionary tree rather than this heroic march that you see with the cartoons of an early ancestor evolving into some intermediate and eventually unto us.”

Leakey also stated that the skulls of Homo erectus females tend to be much smaller than their male counterparts, indicating that Homo erectus was more like apes and monkeys. This could also mean that Homo erectus was an ancient polygamist, as animals species which have larger males tend to have numerous mates. The implications are obvious and far reaching.

Mitt Romney

( AP Photo/Karel Prinsloo)

“We believe it’s very possible that Homo erectus is actually an ancestor of the Modern day Mormon, and that Mormons in fact evolved along a separate line than other humans” said Leakey. “We’re not there yet, but that seems to be where we’re heading.”

“It’s not like we found the “Golden Plates” or anything, but this is too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence. If you know what I mean?”

Mitt Romney

Oh boy, do we ever.

Jonestown immediately contacted Gov. Mitt Romney’s campaign to get his take on this news, but were told he’s not yet ready to make a public statement.

However, Jonestown did manage to get his spokesman, Greg Mc Morman, to answer a few questions:

JT- How long has Gov. Romney known that he is actually another species of human?

GM- Well, I’d say probably for most of his life. I mean there are obvious differences between the two.

JT- Such as?

GM- Well, like Leakey said, the women in the Mormon faith are much smaller than their male counterparts, for example.

JT- But whenever you see Ann Romney she seems to be comparable in size to her husband. What are you talking about?

GM- Have you ever met Mrs. Romney in person?

JT- Of course not, those people are insane. We have seen her on television and in the Media though, and she looks to be of normal size.

GM- Well sure she does, but that’s not really Mrs. Romney.

JT- Are you saying he has a stand-in wife?

GM- No, no, that’s her, but when you see her on television she’s not actually there in the studio.

JT- Are you saying what I think you’re saying?

GM- Yes, I am. Mrs. Romney, at least the one you know, is actually a hologram, as are several other wives of Prominent Men in our society. That’s all I can say for now about this issue.

JT- Wait, we have one more question. If Gov. Romney is aware of this, is ready to take a definitive stance on the subject of Evolution? Obviously, if what you’re saying is true then there’s no doubt that the Theory of Evolution is correct.

GM- There’s no doubt it’s true, but the Romney campaign is withholding an acknowledgment until the next Poll comes out. Gov. Romney has his finger firmly on the pulse of his Constituency and he wants them to know he’s behind them no matter how Insipid and Uninformed their opinions might be.

JT- Mr. Mc Morman, Jonestown would like to thank you very much for your time.

GM- It’s my pleasure, and I’ll be expecting that “package” you promised me in the next few days.

JT- No problem.

Needless to say we were flabbergasted by this admission. At last, our long held assumption proved to be correct; Mormons like to smoke weed.

Mitt Romney

Mr. Mc Morman also gave Jonestown several photos, and we must warn you they are shocking. Absolutely shocking, and they may very well shake the foundation of this Nation to its very core.

Please view with discretion:

Mitt+Romney

Mitt+Romney

These next several photos prove a “You heard it first” Jonestown Exclusive.

Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney

I’m not sure what to say about what you’re going to see next. These photos are disturbing on so many levels. It appears that President Bush and Senator David Vitter may in reality be Mormons or at the very least their wives are. (Or it could be that living off Xanax causes people to shrink).

Mitt+Romney

Mitt Romney

Mitt+Romney0

We truly apologize for this upsetting news. We know so many of you out there honestly believed that George Bush and David Vitter, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, were Honorable Christian Men.

Jonestown encourages you to take Solace in the fact that within a few days you’ll forget all about this obvious Republican attempt to deceive you yet again, and the illusion/delusion that the GOP is the “Party of Morality” and “Christian Values” will soon return. (Too bad about your fathers though. Oh well, if God wanted us to remember the past he wouldn’t have invented Xanax and Cheap Beer now would he?)

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~ by fairlane on August 24, 2008.

9 Responses to “What Do We Really Know About Mitt Romney?”

  1. Fairlane, you continue to amuse me. Thanks.

  2. I thought Romney and his kind devolved from toomuchus inbredicus? There really is a reason the Osmands look SO MUCH like each other, you know.

  3. One pill makes you larger, as the song says.

    Regards,

    Tengrain

  4. HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

    I spilled my breakfast all over my lap from laugh at this post!

    Fairlane, you rock!

    ROFL, this gives new meaning to “the little woman.”

    The scientifically impossible I do right away
    The spiritually miraculous takes a bit longer

  5. Groan! Next thing, I’ll find out Homo’s are Sapiens!! Make it stop! Make it all stop!!!
    🙂

    I’d like to thank you for your recent support. I deeply appreciate it, and I’m sure my friend will much more so. Thank You!!!

  6. What tengrain said!

  7. Brilliant!

  8. Py- I hope you mean “amuse” in a positive way and not like I’m some little clown Monkey.

    Jolly- If they are in fact Homo erectus, then in-breeding is par for the Monkey course.

    Ten- I’m going to research whether or not Xanax can make you shrink. That’s similar to a charge leveled at Ritalin.

    I do know Xanax is extremely dangerous, and in fact can you kill if you try and quit “Cold Turkey.” It’s actually more dangerous to quit than Heroin or Cocaine.

    “Pickles” for sure has that Xanax stare like she’s on fucking Mars.

    Clap- I’ll have my people send you a coupon for a free breakfast at the Jonestown Diner. I hope you like Grape Kool-Aid and ham.

    Dan- There’s no need to worry. Within the next 10 years or so they’ll be teaching us the world is 6000 years old, and that Evolution was just a myth invented by Communists.

    I left a comment on your blog about the link, but again you are most welcome. I think that’s cool what you’re doing.

    Phy- Speaking of “magic pills,” I still haven’t heard back from your campaign advisers. I promise I have the money this time.

    Chris- Much obliged. Visit any time. I found your blog through Suzie-Q and will be adding you to the list.

  9. Of course ! This explains everything, how could I have been so BLIND ???!!!

    laughing my ass off thxs fairlane !!

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