“The Schelps & the Schmucks- Jonestown’s Salute to the Late Great Theodor Seuss Geisel

For the five of you still paying attention-

Over the remainder of this week, I’ll be reposting my all time favorites, and once I’m finished…


And today the great Yertle, that Marvelous he, Is King of the Mud, That is all he can see. And the turtles, of course…all the turtles are free, As turtles and, maybe, all creatures should be. (Yertle the Turtle, Dr. Seuss)

I was reading “Marvin K. Mooney” by Dr. Seuss to my daughter last night, and I started thinking about what an influence he was on millions and millions of children. I loved Dr. Seuss, and I’ve made sure my daughter does as well.

With what’s going on in the world with our “Commander and Chief” George W. Bush and his puppet master Dick Cheney, I decided what better way to honor Dr. Seuss then to have Jonestown continue, at least for today, on his path.

The Schmucks and The Schleps


On a stump in the middle of a blood red pond, sat Old King Dick the King of the Cons. Now Old King Dick was a miserable old cuss. He’d sit around all day and do nothing but fuss. “This kingdom’s too small far too small for such as me. I should have dominion over the land, air, and Sea!”

He’d sit and he’d sit hour after hour.”This is not enough, this is not Power. What shall I do, I’m too old and too weak. How will I ever obtain this power I seek?”

So he sat and sat and sat even more. One day became two, and then three, and then four. And at last his tiny mind, well at last it came through,”I know what it is, I know just what to do!”

“I must find me a rube, a most gullible fool, and through this buffoon I will finally rule. But where, oh where can I find such a man. I’m not sure that I’m able. I’m not sure that I can.”


But as if in answer, in answer to his prayer, he heard a voice from behind, “Hey you, Hey there! I need your help, and I need it right now. I’m drunker than a skunk and I think I hit a cow.”The smallest of smiles crept over his face. “Why my dear boy what brings you to this place?” “Well my name is Carl, Carl T. McDense and my car is stuck over there on that great big fence.”

Well, Old King Dick he rushed right on in, to set his plan in motion, “It’s time to begin!”

“Son, let me ask you, let me ask you right now. Do you care about money and power or a big stupid cow? No, don’t even answer I”ll tell you the what for. How’d you like to be President for four years, plus an even four more?”

“Are you crazy, have you lost it, are you out of your mind? Boot camp starts tomorrow and I’m already behind.” “Boot camp, Boot camp did you say? I have a plan for you to serve in a much better way. Come here son, come right over here. And let me whisper into your big dumb ear.”

And Old King Dick well he laid it all out. Sometimes he’d whisper and sometimes he’d shout. And when he finished, and was finally through. He asked the young man, “So, what will you do?”

But Old King Dick didn’t give him a chance. He grabbed him by the hand and they started to dance. “Son, don’t you worry, I know this plan will sell. Why I got it out of “1984” written by the late George Orwell.”


“Clean yourself up and start going to Mass. And by the time it’s all over, America won’t know its head from its ass. We’ll play on their ignorance and we’ll play on their fears. We’ll hypnotize them with the specter of Mexicans, Al-Qaeda, bird flu and the queers.”

So Carl T. got clean, and he packed up his stuff. “Gee, this working business sure is awful tough.” “Don’t fret my lad, it will be over soon. America won’t elect me, but they will elect you. And once they do you can sit back and chill, and through you I will bend the world to my will.”

And with that Little Carl T. set out to campaign. With a trunk packed with liquor and a bag of cocaine. “Oh, golly gee whiz this sure is some fun. I guess what they say is true, Like father like son.”And Little Carl T.?

Well, he was a big hit. The Schleps ate him up like he was gravy and grits. They loved him and cheered and threw up their hands. “We love you Carl T. you are the Man!”


And little did they know how true their words would be, and that once he was President he would turn you against me. But the world was naive, and they were not prepared for a man to be President who never honestly cared.

He just liked the applause and to not feel like a sot. And with Old King Dick pulling the strings he could be everything he’s not.


Needless to say Little Carl, yes he won, and the Schleps got what they wanted, a Prodigal Son. And those first few months, well they went fairly well. But no one realized we were already in a hand basket headed for Hell.

You see, Carl T. is a fool, a fool of the nth degree. And he doesn’t care about you, or you or you or even about me. He was playing adult and acting a role, but over time his ineptness began taking its toll.

Less than a year after the election, we were under attack and instead of going after Al-Qaeda we went to Iraq. But the Schleps, well the Schleps, they just don’t seem to learn. They stood by their man and let America burn.


They supported this Fascist, yes a Fascist that’s real. Don’t you remember their campaign slogan, “Bend over and squeal”? And the Schmucks, well the Schmucks all jumped on his back. “We’re with you King Carl, let’s go to Iraq!”

The Schmucks sold us out, sold us out from the start. Whatever happened to that fabled “Bleeding Heart”? They bought into war just as quick as they could forgetting all about what is right and what’s good.


And we went to war, and we took down Hussein, but in 20 years will it be worth it, all of this pain? The world now hates us and see us as the threat, and has King Carl learned his lesson, apparently not yet.

And all of the while where is Old King Dick? Well, sometimes he shows up on tv to lay it on thick. He loves to hear the sound, the sound of his own voice. And to remind America that it’s his way or no way, and there is no other choice.


And you have to give credit where credit is due. Old King Dick knew just how to push his way through . He built his empire on the schleps and the schmucks. Who think being American is about flags, guns and trucks.

And the rest of us, well, what is our excuse? Haven’t we all stood by and taken this abuse? We had our chance back in 2004 to shove this band of criminals right out the White House door. But here we are and we’re “Staying the Course”. And many have given up because their voices are hoarse.


America handed over too much without even a whimper. Caving in at the first sign of Little Carl T’s temper. And America fell for their ploy time, and time again. “We have to stay, we have to stay, it’s the only way we win.”

But what is it we’re winning does anyone even know? How many times can you fall for the same dog and pony show? Cliches, and slogans and nonsense galore. And yet America told Carl T., “Four more, Four more!”

And what do I hear? That’s just how it goes. Well, I say no and no and five hundred more no’s. The master is only as strong as his slaves. And if the slaves stop working then the Plantation caves.

Down with Carl T., and all his supporters too. And Down with King Dick and the Red and the Blue.


We have but one world and that’s all that we get. And if we don’t wake up soon; like Private Pyle, we’ll all be “in a world of shit.”


In honor of Theodor Seuss Geisel, aka Dr. Seuss (1904-1991)


~ by fairlane on August 26, 2008.

34 Responses to ““The Schelps & the Schmucks- Jonestown’s Salute to the Late Great Theodor Seuss Geisel”

  1. Dude,
    This was excellent!

  2. man oh man, if the doc was around he would give you a hug!!!

  3. Well done, sir. I think I’ll read that to my son tonight for his bedtime story!

  4. You did your muse proud. That was truly outstanding. I too am a big fan of the doc’s and have collected just about all his books.

  5. Oh, thank you for this. We’re Seuss fans at our home and this does him proud. Given his politics and view of the world, he’d be delighted with your rendition.

  6. Nice job!

  7. Nicely done, fairlane. I really enjoyed it.

  8. reasic my friend. Long time no see. How are things?

    I must admit I really enjoyed writing and making it, but sometimes I wonder if my writing style is conducive to this venue. I keep hearing from my friends, “Your post are waaaay too long.”

    Anyway, thanks.

  9. “I keep hearing from my friends, “Your post are waaaay too long.””

    They’re long I agree. I sometimes find myself just skimming them after the first couple of paragraphs. I am “attention challenged” though.

    But you gotta do what you gotta say. In our short attention-span world some will probably pass it by if it’s not short and if it makes them think. But you gotta be true to yourself and your style.

    As for this post, it’s freaking brilliant. Very clever. I hope you can get it republished on some larger venues. It deserves to be seen by the masses.

  10. Anyone who likes Dr. Seuss should check this out ——–Dr. Seuss Went to War:

  11. http://orpheus.ucsd.edu/speccoll/dspolitic/

  12. Fantastic post and a great tribute to Mr. Geisel!

  13. Lafin, I’m not trying to be a dick, but don’t come to our blog just to pimp your shit. You could at least comment, and then pimp your shit.

    And you double pimped.

  14. Yeah, I’d have to say I agree with fairlane. It’s generally a good idea to at least leave some relevant remarks on the post at hand before you go providing your own links.

  15. fairlane
    OK, fine I wont be back here, Thanks for the hospitality!

  16. Oh and by the way you say I was “Pimping my shit”, no, just sharing something that wasn’t common knowledge to people who only know Theodor Seuss Geisel as a children’s writer. But then you probably didn’t even go there, did you? Maybe you should just go back to “The cat in the hat” it’s more your speed!

  17. Sorry to hear that Laffin. I didn’t have to post your comments at all, but I did. I was merely pointing out it’s common courtesy to actually make a “comment” in the comment section. Of course now you have, but it is too late for us. The spark is gone, and we are nothing more than strangers once again. Our brief time together meant so much to me, and for someone as limited as I am, it truly cuts deep. Without you who will lead me out of this darkness?

    I guess I’ll go back to reading “The Cat in the Hat” or “The Contract with America”, and give up on my boyhood dream of being an intellectual.

    Oh woe is me…Rosebud…Top of the world ma, Top of the world………………………….

  18. I had not seen this before, Fairlane – that’s fantastic.

    I have a book of Dr. Seuss’ political cartoons from way, way, back. I always thought it was interesting that he started off being incendiary, and over time became this beloved children’s author.

    At any rate, this is truly a masterstroke.



  19. I just made a copy and printed this, I hope you don’t mind. I plan to read it to my grandkids. All I can say after reading this is Wow!
    Your post is not waaaay too long.
    I enjoy reading your post and I love the writing, so please don’t stop.

  20. Utterly hilarious!

  21. that was great……..

  22. Brilliant – hysterical – not too long, not too short, just right. Well, not that I’d ever put you on the “right” Fairlane. LOVE IT!

  23. Brilliant. I loved it.

  24. Sell it to Hollywood , thats what I’m doing.

  25. Ten- That little exchange I had with the fellow above your comment was about those exact cartoons Seuss did for the government. He was posting that shit everywhere that day, and trying to ride my coattails, which was cool, but he didn’t comment, he just left a link to his post. I thought that was uncool.

    Seuss did “mellow,” but he continued to remark scathingly on our society, just in a “kid friendly” way. “Horton Hears a Who,” “Yertle, the Turtle,” “Marvin K. Mooney” (Nixon), “The Zax,” etc etc.

    I think he was brilliant, and he turned “Snark” into big time Duckets!

    “Masterstroke,” huh? You interested in publishing it? I’ll let you off on the cheap. Let’s say $50,000 upfront, and 20% of sales revenue. Let me know.

    Larry- Not at all, in fact you made me blush. To think I’ll be influencing the youth of America.

    Damn, that’s kind of frightening actually.

    Let me know what they think. My daughter’s too young to read anything I write, but she thinks it’s cool I have Dr. Seuss and her Barbies on my blog.

    Hill- I just checked out your blog, and the feeling is mutual. I’m adding you to the “List.”

    Not the “Shit List,” the good “List.” I keep the “Shit List” in my head that way there’s no physical evidence if anything “strange” should happen.

    DCNY- Much appreciated. I just realized your acronym is almost like that designer chick. You should start spelling “Cap” with a “K” and see if your hits go skyrocketing.

    Fran- As one of my gang banger clients used to say, “Mugs ain’t never Right.”

    Nvisible- “Brilliant.” Damn, you are all are going to cost me a fortune in therapy. Thank you.

    I am adding you as well. I loved your solution for taking care of debt in the later years. Great shit.

    David- Man you need to post more often. You are a great fucking writer, and thanks for the visit.

    As for selling to Hollywood, I’m all for it. I figure I need a cool $2 mil. to live it up when I flee to Italy once Bush declares Marital Law.

  26. Did I say Italy? I meant, Brazil.

  27. Brilliant as usual fairlane! That link of laffin’s is really on topic. During WW2 Suess wrote some brilliant propaganda for the war department.

    Glad you reposted this, I hadn’t found your great blog before the first time you posted it.

    The scientifically impossible I do right away
    The spiritually miraculous takes a bit longer

  28. Clap-
    I checked the link. I wasn’t upset about him posting a link, shit that’s how I got this piece on Crooks and Liars. (I dropped a link at Blue Gal’s). But when I drop a link, which is rare, it’s usually on a blog that I frequent and comment on and actually like.

    You don’t walk into a stranger’s house, take a shit, and leave. You at least compliment the wallpaper or something on the way out.

    Enough about that dick.

    There are so many great blogs out there. I just found two more this morning.

    As always, your comments are appreciated.

  29. Amazing and enlightening, Fairlane.

  30. Fantastic post! 🙂

    Keep up the great work!

  31. Outstanding! Definitely Seussian.

    Thanks for re-posting this, Fairlane. I wasn’t around here for the original release.

  32. Hi Fairlane:
    A leaky sewerpiperan from your pressure, as wwell as others, some time back. Now it has reinvented itself, this time as a Clinton supporter for McCain dipshit, and is even more shrill if that’s possible.Others

    I realize you think I’m your enemy, but I’m truly not. This however is OUR enemy, and the coward needs to be ran out of town once Again. I beg you, use your considerable abilities to throw heat on this Bitch, and bring along all the horsepower you can!

  33. “Others” in the abovw should have read “Others are familiar with the problem as well.” My apologies.

  34. Dan- I don’t think you’re my “enemy.”

    This is the blogosphere, nothing is that serious. Besides, my enemies always end up kneeling before me, in chains.

    I don’t know what happened to ME. She used to be pretty cool, but this whole Obama v. Clinton bullshit drove her over the edge.

    As for “bringing the horsepower,” I’m sorry to say, I can’t help you. I’m not blogging anymore.

    I did, some time ago, write a post about her, and a few other “feminists.” Needless to say, they were not pleased, and I was subsequently labeled a “Sexist.”

    Personally, I took it as a compliment, considering one of them is so fucking stupid she thought the phrase “Red Handed” was racist.

    Anyone who claims to be a “feminist,” and then says they’re going to support a man who deserted his first wife because she was crippled, and then, calls his current wife a Cunt is, a Fucking Moron.

    They’re adolescents, Dan. What else can you say? Her posts read like something you’d hear in a psych hospital.

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