7 Reasons Why the Wingnuts Chose Sarah Palin, 4 Reasons Why It Might Backfire, and 5 Cool Facts About Shrews
There’s been a Great Deal of Discussion as to why the Republicans a.k.a. Wingnuts chose Sarah Palin as John Mc Cain’s Running Mate.
After much thought, I’ve come up with a list of Seven Well Reasoned Explanations (With Sarcastic Commentary, Obviously).
Top 7 Reasons the Wingnuts Selected Sarah Palin
1) Being a Woman, she can potentially pry some of the most Disgruntled Hillary supporters away from Obama.
*Of course, they’d have to give up everything they ever said they believed about “Reproductive Freedom” because Palin thinks the “U” in USA stands for “Uterus,” meaning, the Vagina is State Property.
2) They can play the “Sexism” angle to potentially Nullify the “Race Issue,” and to Shield Palin from the Inevitable Criticism.
Also, the “Sexism” Angle might Rook the Hillary Supporters (See Number One).
3) She’s incredibly Divisive.
Palin makes the Average Wingnut look like a Dixie Chick.
Her Pathological Religiosity is the Perfect Rovian “Wedge Issue.”
She Loves Her Some Jesus, and anyone who doesn’t Love Her, by Extension, Hates teh Jesus.
4) Her Religiosity drums up the Loonies.
By agreeing to Select Palin, Mc Cain sent a message to the Fundies that although he considers them “Agents of Intolerance,” he recognizes he has absolutely No Shot without their special brand of Lunatic.
5) She’s Clever, and Charming.
Let’s be honest. Palin delivered more than her share of Zingers at the WNC (Wingnut Nationalist Convention), and when you combine that with her Love of Pork, she’d make a Great MC at a Celebrity Roast.
But this isn’t Comedy Central, and being Clever is Not a Sign of Intelligence. In fact, Cleverness is often used to disguise Intellectual Shortcomings (Debate a Wingnut online, and you’ll see what I mean).
Also, there’s a fine line between Charming, and Manipulative.
Unfortunately, too many people have a difficult time telling the Difference.
6) Palin appeals to the Brain Dead among us who somehow Equate Shooting Deer, and Old Beer Cans with “Freedom.”
Look, Hunting isn’t a Sport. Sorry, but it’s not.
Hunting is like a baseball game where only one team gets to bat.
And generally, when people engage in a Sporting Activity, they’re Aware they are Engaged in a Sporting Activity.
All a Deer knows is that one minute it’s smelling a pile of dung, and the next, it has a Cap in its Ass.
Arm the Deer, Tell Them You’re Coming, and then we can talk about being included as a Sport.
And please, I don’t want to hear-
“We’s Pertectin’ ‘Merica from Tuhrunny.”
I’m sure your new Remington is “Bad Ass,” Dog, but I’m also just as Sure that it can’t penetrate the armor on an M-1A1 battle tank.
7) Palin prevents the Spotlight from being Shone Too Brightly on Mc Thuselah.
John Mc Cain is such an Uninspiring Candidate he’s depending on his Running Mate to bring him in for the “Big Win.”
For most Candidates, that would be a Death Sentence, but in Wingnuttia, the Goal is to Divert as much Attention away from the Candidate as Possible.
The Wingnuts don’t want people giving Old Castle Mc Grey Skull the Once Over or they might notice something Oddly Familiar-
Hey, wait a Minute! Grandpa is simply rehashing Chimpy of II’s Policies!!!!!!!!
Whether or not the Selection of Sarah Palin was a Good Idea remains to be seen.
In the short term, she’s boosted Mc Cain’s poll numbers, and God knows he’s Excited.
But, if the Democrats play it Right, they can turn Palin into a Disadvantage.
Four Reasons Why Palin May Backfire on Mc Cain
1) She’s Flippant.
Sarcasm is great when you’re delivering a Stump Speech, but Smart Ass Wears Thin (Unless you’re me, but that goes without saying).
Sarcastic people have a habit of saying the Exact Wrong Thing, at the Perfectly Wrong Time (This is why I no longer grant interviews).
2) She’s Dishonest.
She’s going to have to Answer for the “Half-Truths,” eventually.
3) Her positions are Polarizing.
Palin appeals to the Extreme Wing of the Republican Party, and Americans are Sick of the Moralistic Wankering from the Right.
Again, I think.
The Environment– Palin believes there is No Such Thing as Anthropological Global Warming (AGW).
This is why she Opposes placing Polar Bears on the Endangered Species List because doing so would be an acknowledgment of AGW.
Birth Control– Palin believes Birth Control Pills are Abortifacients.
Evolution– Palin believes the Earth is 6000 years old, and that Creationism should be taught in Science Classes.
Stem Cells– Palin believes that Embryos are Human Beings.
Abortion– No Abortions, period. Even in cases of Rape, and Incest.
Gay Marriage– Palin is vehemently opposed to Gay Marriage, and has ties to Evangelicals who “Convert” Gays by using the “Power of Prayer.” (These same Evangelicals also believe Jews should be “Converted”).
Big Foot– Palin once shot an Entire Big Foot Family from a Helicopter. (Okay, I made that one up).
4) As I mentioned, Palin’s Ridiculous Popularity is Pushing the man who selected her into the Background.
Maybe the Wingnuts are glad to have Mc Goo shuffling along behind the Elephant picking the Peanuts Out of its Poop, but the American People are eventually going to Ask-
Is Mc Cain running for President or is Sarah Palin running for President?
A Presidential Candidate should not be Outclassed, and definitely not Out Popular-ed by their Running Mate.
Mc Cain has Zero Fresh Ideas, and to say he’s Dull, is an Understatement.
Mc Gramps could put a Shrew into a Deep Sleep ( SHREW FUN FACTS: A Shrew’s heart beats 1200 times per minute or 20 times per second. The Shrew’s saliva is poisonous. Shrews consume up to 3 times their body weight every single day. Shrews eat every 45 minutes or so, and will die if they are deprived of food at night. Shrews, needless to say, don’t live very long, about 18 months).
He’s Chimpy of II Revisited, and Americans have had their fill of the Kegger and Chief.
Then again, the Democrats have a way of Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory.