7 Reasons Why the Wingnuts Chose Sarah Palin, 4 Reasons Why It Might Backfire, and 5 Cool Facts About Shrews

There’s been a Great Deal of Discussion as to why the Republicans a.k.a. Wingnuts chose Sarah Palin as John Mc Cain’s Running Mate.

After much thought, I’ve come up with a list of Seven Well Reasoned Explanations (With Sarcastic Commentary, Obviously).


Top 7 Reasons the Wingnuts Selected Sarah Palin

1) Being a Woman, she can potentially pry some of the most Disgruntled Hillary supporters away from Obama.

*Of course, they’d have to give up everything they ever said they believed about “Reproductive Freedom” because Palin thinks the “U” in USA stands for “Uterus,” meaning, the Vagina is State Property.

2) They can play the “Sexism” angle to potentially Nullify the “Race Issue,” and to Shield Palin from the Inevitable Criticism.

Also, the “Sexism” Angle might Rook the Hillary Supporters (See Number One).

3) She’s incredibly Divisive.

Palin makes the Average Wingnut look like a Dixie Chick.

Her Pathological Religiosity is the Perfect Rovian “Wedge Issue.”

She Loves Her Some Jesus, and anyone who doesn’t Love Her, by Extension, Hates teh Jesus.

4) Her Religiosity drums up the Loonies.

By agreeing to Select Palin, Mc Cain sent a message to the Fundies that although he considers them “Agents of Intolerance,” he recognizes he has absolutely No Shot without their special brand of Lunatic.

5) She’s Clever, and Charming.

Let’s be honest. Palin delivered more than her share of Zingers at the WNC (Wingnut Nationalist Convention), and when you combine that with her Love of Pork, she’d make a Great MC at a Celebrity Roast.

But this isn’t Comedy Central, and being Clever is Not a Sign of Intelligence. In fact, Cleverness is often used to disguise Intellectual Shortcomings (Debate a Wingnut online, and you’ll see what I mean).

Also, there’s a fine line between Charming, and Manipulative.

Unfortunately, too many people have a difficult time telling the Difference.

6) Palin appeals to the Brain Dead among us who somehow Equate Shooting Deer, and Old Beer Cans with “Freedom.”

Look, Hunting isn’t a Sport. Sorry, but it’s not.

Hunting is like a baseball game where only one team gets to bat.

And generally, when people engage in a Sporting Activity, they’re Aware they are Engaged in a Sporting Activity.

All a Deer knows is that one minute it’s smelling a pile of dung, and the next, it has a Cap in its Ass.

Arm the Deer, Tell Them You’re Coming, and then we can talk about being included as a Sport.

And please, I don’t want to hear-

“We’s Pertectin’ ‘Merica from Tuhrunny.”


I’m sure your new Remington is “Bad Ass,” Dog, but I’m also just as Sure that it can’t penetrate the armor on an M-1A1 battle tank.

7) Palin prevents the Spotlight from being Shone Too Brightly on Mc Thuselah.

John Mc Cain is such an Uninspiring  Candidate he’s depending on his Running Mate to bring him in for the “Big Win.”

For most Candidates, that would be a Death Sentence, but in Wingnuttia, the Goal is to Divert as much Attention away from the Candidate as Possible.

The Wingnuts don’t want people giving Old Castle Mc Grey Skull the Once Over or they might notice something Oddly Familiar-

Hey, wait a Minute! Grandpa is simply rehashing Chimpy of II’s Policies!!!!!!!!

Whether or not the Selection of Sarah Palin was a Good Idea remains to be seen.

In the short term, she’s boosted Mc Cain’s poll numbers, and God knows he’s Excited.

But, if the Democrats play it Right, they can turn Palin into a Disadvantage.

Four Reasons Why Palin May Backfire on Mc Cain

1) She’s Flippant.

Sarcasm is great when you’re delivering a Stump Speech, but Smart Ass Wears Thin (Unless you’re me, but that goes without saying).


Sarcastic people have a habit of saying the Exact Wrong Thing, at the Perfectly Wrong Time (This is why I no longer grant interviews).

2) She’s Dishonest.

She’s going to have to Answer for the “Half-Truths,” eventually.

I think.

3) Her positions are Polarizing.

Palin appeals to the Extreme Wing of the Republican Party, and Americans are Sick of the Moralistic Wankering from the Right.

Again, I think.

The Environment– Palin believes there is No Such Thing as Anthropological Global Warming (AGW).

This is why she Opposes placing Polar Bears on the Endangered Species List because doing so would be an acknowledgment of AGW.

Birth Control– Palin believes Birth Control Pills are Abortifacients.

Evolution– Palin believes the Earth is 6000 years old, and that Creationism should be taught in Science Classes.

Stem Cells– Palin believes that Embryos are Human Beings.

Abortion– No Abortions, period. Even in cases of Rape, and Incest.

Gay Marriage– Palin is vehemently opposed to Gay Marriage, and has ties to Evangelicals who “Convert” Gays by using the “Power of Prayer.” (These same Evangelicals also believe Jews should be “Converted”).

Big Foot– Palin once shot an Entire Big Foot Family from a Helicopter. (Okay, I made that one up).

4) As I mentioned, Palin’s Ridiculous Popularity is Pushing the man who selected her into the Background.

Maybe the Wingnuts are glad to have Mc Goo shuffling along behind the Elephant picking the Peanuts Out of its Poop, but the American People are eventually going to Ask-

Is Mc Cain running for President or is Sarah Palin running for President?

A Presidential Candidate should not be Outclassed, and definitely not Out Popular-ed by their Running Mate.

Mc Cain has Zero Fresh Ideas, and to say he’s Dull, is an Understatement.

Mc Gramps could put a Shrew into a Deep Sleep ( SHREW FUN FACTS: A Shrew’s heart beats 1200 times per minute or 20 times per second. The Shrew’s saliva is poisonous. Shrews consume up to 3 times their body weight every single day. Shrews eat every 45 minutes or so, and will die if they are deprived of food at night. Shrews, needless to say, don’t live very long, about 18 months).

He’s Chimpy of II Revisited, and Americans have had their fill of the Kegger and Chief.

Then again, the Democrats have a way of Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory.

Don’t They?


~ by fairlane on September 12, 2008.

18 Responses to “7 Reasons Why the Wingnuts Chose Sarah Palin, 4 Reasons Why It Might Backfire, and 5 Cool Facts About Shrews”

  1. A Fifth reason why she might backfire on McCain; a combination of incuriousness, stupidity and being unqualified. Just a thought.

  2. I’m staying away from the “Experience” issue. As far as I’m concerned, the only person with enough experience to tell me what to do is, Me. Well, me, and my daughter of course, but that’s a given.

    And no mention of the Shrews?

  3. Then there’s the whole rape kit matter. I’d like to see that come up during the VP debate, though I won’t hold my breath.

  4. There’s less crossover between JONESTOWN and HELL than there ought to be and that’s probably my fault because I’m a prick. This is not a newsflash! My teammates are good souls, however. Just a thought.

    Everything here is spot-on. Well written and really funny. The more shit I read about Caribou Barbie, the more I like it.

    The problem is that Caribou Barbie might be a joke up there, but this has been a very frightening week indeed down here, and the horror show has only just begun.

    What’s happening in the US for Americans is basically two bald men fighting over a comb. If the McCain/Palin ticket wins, God only knows what will happen, but I have a suspicion that by comparison Chimpy and Cheney will be regarded as responsible public servants by comparison. By historians. In two decades. While it’s happening, I doubt anyone will notice or care unless they go to prison. If the Obama/Biden ticket wins, it will be by a nose and with only 56 Democratic senators “led” by Reid and 230 Democratic representatives “led” by Pelosi, Obama’s budget will have to bear a striking resemblence to those of Chimpy to get passed. The two most powerful men in Washington in an Obama/Biden administration will be Mitch McConnell and John Boehner.

    Chimpy campaigned to Gore’s left in 2000 and ran a very mild ,incumbent’s Rose Garden, campaign against Kerry in 2004 if we’re being honest here. This year, there is no pretense. There really is nothing more Obama can do. He’s tried everything and nothing’s worked. I can’t criticize the guy. What can he possibly do when his wife’s having gone to Princeton undergrad and Harvard Law COSTS him a lot of votes? What can he do when Sarah Palin’s deranged statements on 9/11 about war with Russia GAINS McCain votes? I feel bad for the guy. He’s an able pol, good and getting better. He’d be a fine president. Both parts of the ticket dominate their Republican counterparts on any measure you care to use. Go to any of the USA’s allies — even Colombia and Israel — and Obama’s leading McCain 80-20.

    I’m in a great position, being the designated asshole, to warn everybody about the perils that lie ahead. My week began with an exciting win by Balbina Herrera in the PRD primary which probably sealed up her winning the Panamanian presidency. It was a nice luxury on Monday. It is now crucial because she has the toughest stance on the USA of any of the candidates. Tuesday brought us Russian ships in the South Caribbean to add naval muscle to Venezuela given that the 4th Fleet has been waiting for orders to attack. Apparently, Russia’s sending battleships to a part of the world it had heretofore no great interest in. McCain and Palin’s bellicose response vice Georgia, brought Russian bombers into Venezuela for an air backup to Venezuela’s 800,000 man ground forces.

    Yesterday brought Palin’s maniacal remarks. Today brought the beginnings of a US-backed effort to overthrow the center-left Evo Morales government of Bolivia. The Bolivians don’t want this. They’re a huge net exporter with a massive surplus. La Paz is a happening city. People are making money and you’d have crushed ’em swapping USD for BOB since Bush became president.

    The whole Obama versus McCain thing down here was kind of funny in July. Everybody assumed that it would be an Obama landslide and he’d govern kind of like Bill Clinton and everything would be cherry. It’s FREAKY now. People are scared and angry but pretty GLAD to have the Russians around just in case. There is a lot of anti-American sentiment in the air and all of the main MERCOSUR countries have put up very high financial barriers for Americans who want to reside. There is the possibility pending that Americans with a net worth UNDER $350,000 in cash, real property and or marketable securities will be deported from the wealthier Latin countries. This isn’t some Yanqui-Go-Home idea Chavez and Correa dreamed up. The first country to put this kind of punitive “reciprocity” into effect was Canada!

    Ultimately, there will not be a Southern Front in the “war on terror” because US forces are stretched to the limit and they know Russia and Venezuela mean business. There will be economic problems for the US the longer the wars go on and the longer the policies are to throw massive amounts of money at the military and doemstic control apparatus and to allow a weaker and weaker dollar. The US by economic mismanagement and global sabre-rattling is leaving the rest of the West with few options going forward in the face of continued and expanded US war and no fiscal or monetary responsibility. The dollars are going to hit the market in a tidal wave sooner or later and China is not a big enough mop.

    I’ll stipulate that this is boring. I’ll stipulate that I’m an asshole. But it’s not me who’s going to suffer when this happens. I really don’t know what Americans who care about their country and their economy can do at this point but they have to figure out something. Christ, pick up a basic Econ textbook. Get aware about how f/x rates are determined. Write your congressperson and insist on putting the brakes on this policy of unending militarism.

    If the USA were ANY OTHER COUNTRY, Obama would never have had to campaign as the “care bear.” He could have campaigned as the competant sophisticated guy he is.

    But quite frankly it was the “racist bitch” who was discussing such things as Brady-izing the CMOs in exchange for a mortgage payment freeze while fending off patently unfair insults. Had she won, she would have been better prepared to run an issues-oriented campaign than Obama is right now, even though Obama is no less savvy on economics than Clinton is. Obama learned power politics on the fly and took advantage of her many, many basic strategic errors to win it fair and square. He’s a fine Democratic candidate. He is necessary but not sufficient.

    What IS sufficient is to find a way in the next 40+ days to wipe out racism and extremist evangelism from the American social culture while adding fiscal and monetary responsibility to the American governing culture.

    Germany tried this twice in pretty recent history. Frederick II was “too liberal” so in came Kaiser Wilhelm and Germany got buried on the battlefield and in the f/x markets. Instead of leaving well enough alone with Von Papen and Hindenburg and a system of self-government they had to try it again with Adolf Hitler. The results were worse. And neither John McCain nor Sarah Palin are anywhere near as sharp as either Kaiser Wilhelm or Adolf Hitler were.

    Drink up, Bitches!

  5. Awe, Kelso, you’re making me serious instead of my usual flippant self.

    I disagree with nothing you said (except maybe the backhanded compliment to Hillary – Republican Lite is Republican Lite is Republican Lite).

    Here’s the deal, as I see it. The next President is inheriting a world o’ pain, and unless this person is transformational – a closet FDR if you will – he’s a goner. One Term. Bank on it.

    I was looking at the Electoral College map today (you can see the link on my blog), and today is the first day that Mad Dog has an Electoral College vote edge – he’s up by two votes. So today either marks the beginning of the end of the Carebear, or is an anomoly. The vast majority of remaining votes are trending GOP, but they are only guesses. In essence, Mad Dog has to win all of the remaining in-play states. Not likely, but then again…

    Keep up the good work in Hell Kelso- I love reading your analysis.

    Oh, and Fairlane? Nice post.



  6. Mr. Lane, that video is scaring me. I will have nightmares.

  7. Pan’s Labyrinth, great movie, great analogy. Palin is in her own dream world to shield her from reality.

  8. “But, if the Democrats play it Right, they can turn Palin into a Disadvantage.</i”

    The thing they need to do yesterday is quit worrying about her and replace Care Bear with Mad Fucking Ass Dog, getting real on issues instead of all this “Ooh look a scandal” BS. The lefty blogs are doing Obama no favors by running him against Palin. Let Joe at her – I’m am hoping he is at the top of his take-no-prisoners game for the VP debate!

  9. O’Tim- I’ll use a simple analogy.

    If you’ve ever boxed, or practiced martial arts, you know that sometimes instead of trying to exploit your opponent’s weaknesses, you try to nullify their strengths.

    By doing so, you make their weakness all the more glaring.

    Mc Cain’s strength is Palin. He is completely underwhelming as a candidate, and by going after her, Democrats can make that even more apparent.

    A potential president should not be getting overshadowed by his running mate.

    I have yet to hear one single Democrat ask, “Why is John Mc Cain’s running mate more popular than he is? Shouldn’t the person who’s actually running for President be the strongest one on the ticket?”

    I do agree, to some extent, about Obama. His reaction was haphazard, and ninny like.

    I think he had a right to react, and to bring people’s attention to her “Half-Truths,” but he went about it the wrong way.

    Instead of saying, “Hey, I”m the change guy, not them.”

    He should have said, “I’m the change guy, and this is why…” And then he could point out how Palin might be a lot of things, but she sure as shit ain’t, “Change.”

    As for me, I simply like to write. I think of something I find funny, and write about it. “Changing the World” is beyond my pay scale.

  10. I liked the shrew part so much, I think ‘shrew’ will be my write-in vote. Thanks, man!

    Rest easy, everyone, McFossil will win my dumb state, thus perpetuating indefinitely Tengrain’s one-term theory because Americans will continue to study this with as much effort as they put into American Idol voting.

    One of our obviously crazy, yet harmless, regulars just came in asking where he can get info on the NRA. Fucking awesome.

  11. What IS sufficient is to find a way in the next 40+ days to wipe out racism and extremist evangelism from the American social culture while adding fiscal and monetary responsibility to the American governing culture.

    That’s a lot to accomplish over 4 years let alone 40 days. I don’t have to tell you, Kelso, that what we’ve got now has been decades in the making. I think that it’ll take a generation to recover.

  12. DED: Maybe more than a generation. Look at South Africa. Assuming that the liberal non-Dutch Whites and the right-wing Black parties washed out, the Boers were outnumbered 7-1. It still took the amazing historical coincidence of an ANC with one of mankind’s greatest leaders in charge and a Boer president willing to gamble his life once he got a deal from Mandela he thought he could sell to maybe a 1/4 of his people. That was in a country with a 7-1 ANC advantage by population. The USA has a White Baptist plurality of between 25-30%. How can anything change?

  13. That shrew should be tamed.

  14. actually, i think you were doing quite well until … stuck in the ‘shrew’ part. did ya’ have ta’ do that?
    credibility = gone.

  15. I have to wonder if anyone else wanted the job of being McCain’s running mate. Plus hell, she can hunt a moose, blow its brains out, and then cut its guts out. Could Mitt or Joe Lieberman do that?

  16. // Mc Gramps could put a Shrew into a Deep Sleep //

    Boy, the Dyslexia kicked in. I thought you wrote that McGramps could put a Jew into a Deep Sleep! phew…..

  17. Can you get fries with those wingnuts? Freedom fries?

  18. *Arm the Deer, Tell Them You’re Coming, and then we can talk about being included as a Sport.*

    This line is a classic… I see you’re back in rare form. Great stuff.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: