An der Schönen Blauen Donau, or, The Wingnut Waltz, by Johann Sebastian Squirrel

(With special thanks to Suzi Riot)

The darkest secret of this country, I am afraid, is that too many of its citizens imagine that they belong to a much higher civilization somewhere else. That higher civilization doesn’t have to be another country. It can be the past instead-the United States as it was before it was spoiled by immigrants and the enfranchisement of the blacks.

This state of mind allows too many to lie and cheat and steal from the rest of us, to sell us junk and addictive poisons and corrupting entertainments. What are the rest of us, after all, but sub-human aborigines?

Kurt Vonnegut Bluebeard

I’m confounded watching the Wingnuts in a State of Apoplexy over the “Financial Crisis.”

Isn’t this is Exactly what they Wanted?

And they’re Bitching?

Good old “Free Market Values,” Baby!

Unbridled Capitalism.

Yeeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaawwwwww, Ride’em Cowboy!

Line’em Up, and Knock’em Down, that’s what I Always Say.



Where are my Wingnut Brothers, and Sisters?

Instead of taking Credit, they’re trying to Put This Off on the Democrats?


Okay, I can see it, a little bit.

Sure, the Moonbats walked side by side with the Free Marketeers down this Glorious Path.

That’s true.

The Democrats are nothing, if not Enablers.

And it’s also true that both parties took America by the hand, and told her-

Come on, it’s okay, don’t be scared, it’s only a Harmless ol’ Cliff. We promise, we’re not going to Push You. That’s it…That’s it…just a few more steps…

I’m well aware of this, and not the Least Bit Surprised.

But Come On, People!

At most, the Democrats drove the Getaway Car.

Anyone can Drive.

The True Genius is in the Planning, and Execution. Doing the Deed, not sitting at the Curb in a ’73 Impala, Waiting.

Wake Up Wingnuts!

Thirty Plus Years of Training, Preaching, Convincing. Decades of Blood, Sweat, Tears-

And now You want to Act All Pissy?

The Bailout is the ACME of YOUR Revolution.

This should be Your Shining Moment. The Time when you sit back, and Reflect upon your Success.

Not only did you Figure Out how to play with House Money, you convinced the House to Guarantee your Winnings, regardless of how the Hand Played Out.

Don’t Be Angry America, THINK, Goddammit!

They played with your Money, Lost it All, and Left the Casino with more Loot than they can Carry.

Fucking Brilliant!

Seriously, give them their Due.

Take a Bow Wingnuts, a Curtain Call. Here, let me get you a Bouquet of Roses.

Splendid, Superb, Glorious, an Unbelievable, Monumental, Legendary Performance.

Hip, Hip Hooray!!!

You accomplished what the Moonbats, despite Decades of trying, could not-

To do Whatever You Want without a Single Consequence.


Don’t Whine. Don’t Feign Outrage.

No, no, no, no, NO.

Wallow in your Glory. Rub it in the Liberal’s faces-

How you like us now, you Limp Wristed Wankers?

I can only imagine the joy my former co-worker at the Wingnut Paper is Feeling.

Why, at this point, he’s probably Shooting Blanks after his Two Week Masturbatory Celebration. Oh, the visions of Sugar Plums that must be dancing in his Little. Empty. Head.

Praise Jesus, and God Bless the “Free Market.”


I must admit, I’m feeling a Tad Giddy, myself.

In fact, I’m fairly certain a Jolt of pure Joy Just ran through the center of my Jimmy.

Ooooooooooooo, Lordy Me. Ain’t it Great to Be Alive?!!

Freedom, FREEDOM.


Oh, Come On, Wingnuts.

It’s Far Too Late to Change Your Minds, now.

She gave up It Up, TO YOU.

Not to that “Touchy, Feely, Poof” from her Poetry Class.

Your a Man’s Man, and she knows it. She saw it, and by God, she had to Have It.

They’ll sing songs in your Honor.

Hell, as we speak, Bruce and the Boys are warming up, ready to Serenade you.

Glory Days.

Get on Board, and Come On In for the Big Win.

“These are great days we’re living, bros. We are Jolly Green Giants, walking the Earth…”


~ by fairlane on October 2, 2008.

11 Responses to “An der Schönen Blauen Donau, or, The Wingnut Waltz, by Johann Sebastian Squirrel”

  1. In the immortal words of Zap Brannigan, your a man’s man. You’re a man’s man’s man. Except when you turn into a sniveling child.

    Fucking wingnuts.

  2. //Mr. Gorbachev, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!//

    Ya, but ya gotta remember that he thought he was talking to the interior designer that Nancy had hired.

  3. And somewhere, Ronnie is having the last laugh: “Hell, yes, we can drown it in the bathtub now!”



  4. Fuck yeah. (And thanks for the thanks, even though I don’t recall doing anything. Did you slip me something???)

  5. I’ve got a couple of very sturdy shopping bags and I staked out a nice spot with a view for my refrigerator carton condo.

  6. You da man, man, and I mean that in a sincere way, which is not meant to be leading anybody on.

  7. Johann Sebastian Squirrel—- can’t handle the music. Drives me nutz

  8. In fact, I’m fairly certain a Jolt of pure Joy Just ran through the center of my Jimmy.

    (That quote doesn’t actually have anything to do with my comment; I just want it to be a part of my comment.)

    I too am surprised by the Wingnuts’ response, now that you mention it, since I always figured that when one was opposed to birth control and abortion, the natural (ie. God-lovin’) response would be to embrace what you created when you fucked the whore.

  9. fairlane…all Palin has to do is show up in a cheerleading outfit and pom-poms and her ticket will win. Joe Sixpack will think he’s at the Superbowl during the Halftime party and rock on to Sarah showing us panty while Bruce and The Boys play on… (even though Bruce is a Dem, he still works for a paycheck..)

  10. Good old “Free Market Values,” Baby! Unbridled Capitalism.

    Technically, in a 100% free market, government is prohibited from coming to the rescue of business. It’s supposed to remain neutral and not interfere. Instead, what we have (and Republicans keep selling as free market) is capitalism with a taxpayer safety net, which is worse. It basically says, “Don’t worry about being reckless and irresponsible, we’ll bail you out.”

  11. DED- I absolutely agree. My point is, both sides consistently claim their Ideology is sound, but the problem is in the way it’s implimented.

    In other words, and I did address this a little in my last post, “It’s not being practiced the way it’s written or supposed to be practiced.”

    They have these “Perfect Ideologies,” and, apparently, they’re waiting for a society of perfect humans to come along to put them into place.

    What we have is as close to “Free Market Capitalism,” as we’ll ever get.

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