An der Schönen Blauen Donau, or, The Wingnut Waltz, by Johann Sebastian Squirrel
(With special thanks to Suzi Riot)
The darkest secret of this country, I am afraid, is that too many of its citizens imagine that they belong to a much higher civilization somewhere else. That higher civilization doesn’t have to be another country. It can be the past instead-the United States as it was before it was spoiled by immigrants and the enfranchisement of the blacks.
This state of mind allows too many to lie and cheat and steal from the rest of us, to sell us junk and addictive poisons and corrupting entertainments. What are the rest of us, after all, but sub-human aborigines?
Kurt Vonnegut Bluebeard
I’m confounded watching the Wingnuts in a State of Apoplexy over the “Financial Crisis.”
Isn’t this is Exactly what they Wanted?
And they’re Bitching?
Good old “Free Market Values,” Baby!
Yeeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaawwwwww, Ride’em Cowboy!
Line’em Up, and Knock’em Down, that’s what I Always Say.
Where are my Wingnut Brothers, and Sisters?
Instead of taking Credit, they’re trying to Put This Off on the Democrats?
Okay, I can see it, a little bit.
Sure, the Moonbats walked side by side with the Free Marketeers down this Glorious Path.
The Democrats are nothing, if not Enablers.
And it’s also true that both parties took America by the hand, and told her-
Come on, it’s okay, don’t be scared, it’s only a Harmless ol’ Cliff. We promise, we’re not going to Push You. That’s it…That’s it…just a few more steps…
I’m well aware of this, and not the Least Bit Surprised.
But Come On, People!
At most, the Democrats drove the Getaway Car.
Anyone can Drive.
The True Genius is in the Planning, and Execution. Doing the Deed, not sitting at the Curb in a ’73 Impala, Waiting.
Wake Up Wingnuts!
Thirty Plus Years of Training, Preaching, Convincing. Decades of Blood, Sweat, Tears-
And now You want to Act All Pissy?
The Bailout is the ACME of YOUR Revolution.
This should be Your Shining Moment. The Time when you sit back, and Reflect upon your Success.
Not only did you Figure Out how to play with House Money, you convinced the House to Guarantee your Winnings, regardless of how the Hand Played Out.
Don’t Be Angry America, THINK, Goddammit!
They played with your Money, Lost it All, and Left the Casino with more Loot than they can Carry.
Seriously, give them their Due.
Take a Bow Wingnuts, a Curtain Call. Here, let me get you a Bouquet of Roses.
Splendid, Superb, Glorious, an Unbelievable, Monumental, Legendary Performance.
Hip, Hip Hooray!!!
You accomplished what the Moonbats, despite Decades of trying, could not-
To do Whatever You Want without a Single Consequence.
Don’t Whine. Don’t Feign Outrage.
No, no, no, no, NO.
Wallow in your Glory. Rub it in the Liberal’s faces-
How you like us now, you Limp Wristed Wankers?
I can only imagine the joy my former co-worker at the Wingnut Paper is Feeling.
Why, at this point, he’s probably Shooting Blanks after his Two Week Masturbatory Celebration. Oh, the visions of Sugar Plums that must be dancing in his Little. Empty. Head.
Praise Jesus, and God Bless the “Free Market.”
I must admit, I’m feeling a Tad Giddy, myself.
In fact, I’m fairly certain a Jolt of pure Joy Just ran through the center of my Jimmy.
Ooooooooooooo, Lordy Me. Ain’t it Great to Be Alive?!!
Mr. Gorbachev, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!
Oh, Come On, Wingnuts.
It’s Far Too Late to Change Your Minds, now.
She gave up It Up, TO YOU.
Not to that “Touchy, Feely, Poof” from her Poetry Class.
Your a Man’s Man, and she knows it. She saw it, and by God, she had to Have It.
They’ll sing songs in your Honor.
Hell, as we speak, Bruce and the Boys are warming up, ready to Serenade you.
Get on Board, and Come On In for the Big Win.
“These are great days we’re living, bros. We are Jolly Green Giants, walking the Earth…”