Jonestown Delivers a Public Announcement for the Wingnuts

Add It Up

“Incuriousness is not a Sign of Virtue. It’s a Cry for Help.”
Me, Pretty Much Every Fucking Day

“Facts” are IMPORTANT!

Vague references in the Bible, do not “Prove” Dinosaurs, and Humans co-existed. Neither do pictures of Chinese Dragons.

The Earth is not 6000 years old. Hell, John Mc Thuselah is Older Than That.

Anthropological Global Warming is Real. There is no “Controversy.” Dismissing the findings of Actual Scientists based on the Yammerings of a Hack Science Fiction Writer, is the Epitome of STOOPID. Education Matters, and Rightly So. Would you want Michael Crichton designing the Airplane on which you, and Your Family were about to Fly? Of course not, so, Please, Stick to What You Know. Making Toast.

Catastrophic Plate Techtonics/Runaway Subduction,” is UTTER NONSENSE. The Continents did not Separate in a matter of Months, and, again, Humans Did Not Co-Exist With Dinosaurs (Unless of course, you count C-Word living with Mc Thuselah). When Scientists accuse You of living in a World of Make Believe, answering that Criticism BY MAKING SHIT UP, only adds to the Belief that You People are Fucking Deranged.

There is Virtually No Difference between a “Biblical Literalist,” and some Native sitting in a Loin Cloth, Eating a Monkey. Both of you believe the World is Controlled by Magical Creatures who Punish, and/or Reward you based on whether or not you Follow a Bunch of Arbitrary Rituals, which are Contradictory, and Completely Illogical. I’m fairly certain, if there is a Supreme Being, he’s More Intelligent, and has a Better Temperament than the Assistant Manager at Shop-N-Save who’s on Probation for Domestic Battery. Get your Kids Vaccinated, and Join the 21st Century.

Chuck Norris, is a FAG!

Same for Larry Craig, Ted Haggard, and Mark Foley.

Oh, and Pretty much Anyone who “Dedicates” their Life to Fighting the Gay Agenda. If a guy writes 10 books about “Queers,” or Delievers Speech after Speech on the Subject, that, in Law Enforcement, is called, A CLUE! The only people worrying about Homosexuals are, H O M O S E X U A L S.

“Free Market Capitalism,” like Communism, is a Fantasy. Human Beings are Incapable of Practicing an Ideology (And capitalism, without a Doubt, is an Ideology) without Fucking It Up in Some Way. I offer the Bailout on Wall Street as Indisputable Proof. I know they didn’t “Practice It as It Was Written,” but you know, that’s the Same Fucking Thing Leftists say about the Soviet Union, and China. Enjoy it while you Still Can.

You Cannot Reduce or Eliminate Abortions by Banning Birth Control! Goddamn, how STOOPID are you People?!! If you don’t want Billy knocking up Little Bristol, Get Her on the Pill, and make sure he knows how to Wrap His Jimmy. Oh, and Encouraging Teenage Marriage should be considered Child Abuse. Sixty Percent of Married Teens end up Divorced within Fifteen Years. That means Home Schooled, Non-Birth Control Using Bristol will, more than likely, be Divorced, with Six Kids, by the Time She’s Thirty-Two. The Majority of Adults don’t know how to make Marriages Work. Why in the Fuck would you think a Couple of Dumbass Kids Do?

Vaginas, and Penises like Each Other, A LOT! You’re not going to Stop It.

Country Music, in its Current State, SUCKS! So does NASCAR. Watching grown men drive in circles for Hours on end, is not called Entertainment. It’s called Mental Retardation.

People who use the phrase, “Pull Yourself Up By Your Bootstraps,” should be Tortured, and then, Publicly Executed. The only people I’ve ever met who use that Phrase can barely Pull Up Their Own Fucking Socks. Look, if you have Duct Tape holding your Car Together, you probably shouldn’t be Giving People Advice about how to Live. Obviously, you Have No Fucking Clue.

Anne Coulter is not “Hot.” God Almighty, the Bitch looks like a Fucking Ghoul. Give up the Milwaukee’s Best, and move away from the Meth Lab. Your Brain is Damaged.

Speaking of Meth Labs. If you live in a County where Meth Labs outnumber Doctor’s Offices, you should Keep Your Fucking Mouth Closed, Period. Shut It! Seriously. Especially when you Talk Shit about a certain City that Pays 60% of the State’s Taxes, despite the fact, that said City is home to only 25% of the State’s Population. I think you have Plenty to Worry About in Your Own Backyard there, Cletus.

If your name is Cletus, Christ. Never Mind.

If a person is Better Educated, Better Looking, More Intelligent, and More Successful with Women than You, that doesn’t make them an “Elitist.” That makes you, a LOSER.

This Post is Dedicated to the Hard Working Men, and Women on My Blogroll.


~ by fairlane on October 5, 2008.

27 Responses to “Jonestown Delivers a Public Announcement for the Wingnuts”

  1. Well hell, I’ll hafta get in on this. Consider J-Town blogrolled at MTIH.

  2. FAIRLANE: You’ve inspired me with your last two posts to revist the topic of the LIBERAL WINGNUT (tm-fairlane). I fear that a revived Liberal Wingnuttery is going to emerge after the excitement of Obama’s landslide begins to wane a bit.

  3. Look, if you have Duct Tape holding your Car Together, you probably shouldn’t be Giving People Advice about how to Live.

    Alright. I’ll stop.

  4. ““Free Market Capitalism,” like Communism, is a Fantasy. Human Beings are Incapable of Practicing an Ideology (And capitalism, without a Doubt, is an Ideology) without Fucking It Up in Some Way. I offer the Bailout on Wall Street as Indisputable Proof. I know they didn’t “Practice It as It Was Written,” but you know, that’s the Same Fucking Thing Leftists say about the Soviet Union, and China. Enjoy it while you Still Can.”


  5. A fine rant sir, but I take offense to the ‘hard-working’ slur.

    Oh, is Chuck Norris’ beard, once he comes down of his meth-fueled ass-sex high, so gonna kick your ass.

  6. Quel Rant there, Dude!

    And hey, thanks for the linky-dinky!

  7. I drive by shithole messes of houses with McCain/Palin signs everyday. Maddening.

    And thanks for the link!

  8. nice. but I gotta ask…. ‘If your name is Cletus, Christ.’

    Who is Cletus Christ? Is he related to Jesus? Is HE coming back soon? I mean, Jesus left to get another six pack two thousand years ago and, man, he still isn’t back. So, Cletus Christ went to get the chips &dip….. boy… sunday night kick-off is happening. I sure hope the Christ brothers make it back. &stuff

  9. O’Tim- Darn Tootin!

    Kelso- You, and I both know, it never went anywhere. A Loon is a Loon. I don’t give a Fuck what color uniform they wear.

    Frieda- We should all stop. Not a one of us knows Shit about Dick. Or is it, Dick about Shit?


    Thersites- There will always be people saying, “Wait, they didn’t do it right.”

    To which, I respond, “No shit, they never do.”

    Randal- He can get in line.

    Little- Yepper doodly darn!

    DCup- Those are not “Mc Cain/Palin” signs. Those are signs of the Apocalypse.

    Ok- Sorry bout that don’tcha know? I meant to put a darn nabbit period, but garsh blingo if I didn’t press-a-diddly the comma button.

  10. Dead Man Walking has a McCain/Palin sign in his front yard. The dumbass.

  11. Fairlane…this stupidity of which you speak knows no boundaries. Last week I had two people on my train to work tell me that homosexuality is curable. Thanks for the dedication.

  12. I think it is only a Matter of Time before Mooselini slips and calls McCain “Wilson.”



  13. excellent rant dude. we actually see Obama yard signs around here. will wonders ever cease?!? still, there are too many McCain and Palin signs out there. hubby says he’s gonna throw dead animals on the Palin signs since she likes dead animals so much. 😀

  14. I love this place! Work is easing up a bit (a lot — economy an’ all), so I should be back more often.

    Tengrain: “Mooselini”. Priceless.

  15. Speaking of Meth Labs. If you live in a County where Meth Labs outnumber Doctor’s Offices, you should Keep Your Fucking Mouth Closed, Period.

    No doubt. Ever seen the teeth on a frigging meth head? Christ, it makes you want to retch.

  16. that’s really what’s up jonestown… we gotta keep pulling together… lord knows by how much the bigotted, ignorant and hateful outnumber us….

    the home stretch is about to get REALLLY ugly… so hang in there…. tear some hair out, and throw back some whisky if you must… but stay blogging….

    much love for the shoutout…. and it’s great to see such a vibrant support from the community…

    one love, one strength, one hope,
    –Reverend Manny and the Twilight Empire

  17. by the way, cletus called… he wants to know if you’d like to go shooting with him and jesus this weekend… apparently they found some more oil to liberate…
    genocide to be followed up by a hot-tub marinade with friends from energy lobby and followed by three whisky-crazed bouts of cuzzin-fukkin…


    Buck Fush,
    –Rev M

  18. thank you doll 🙂

  19. Well, hell, Fairlane, wonderful to see you burning some hi octane fuel here!!! Praise Nick Cave and hallelujah!

    Love and mucho huggos.

    (Linking to this post, baby.) :DDDDDDDDDDD

  20. Good rant, Fairlane.

  21. I saw the most pitiful little house over in central florida. Their couch was sitting in the front yard and the car was sitting on blocks. Sitting in the middle of their little dirt yard, was a McCain for president sign.

  22. Empress- You never pointed him to me when I visited. Maybe next time?

    Spartacus- Too bad Stupidity isn’t “curable.”

    Ten- I’m still waiting for him to slip up, and call her “Cunt.”

    (It’s my blog, I can use that word if I like 😉

    Lib- My neighborhood is covered with Obama signs. It can be a tad misleading. In 2004, I was convinced Chimpy was going to lose because I never saw anyone with one of his signs in their yard.

    Living where I do, it’s easy to forget you actually live in Kentucky.

    Mc Cain leads Obama by double digits here.

    reasic- I visited your new place. I’m liking it.

    You’re welcome to return anytime you wish.

    Jolly- I used to work with Meth Heads, Crack Heads, Pot Heads, Smack Head, Beer Heads, Scotch Heads, and, of course, Shit Heads.

    Personally, I like the holes Meth Heads dig into themselves searching for bugs.

    Rev- No worries, mate. I’m tough. I was raised by Wingnuts. Real Wingnuts, not these candy asses you see today.

    Tell Cletus, I’ll get back to him.

    Nunya- You’re welcome, hot thing.

    Morgan- Man, long time, no see. I was just listening to the Birthday Party this morning.

    DED- As usual, great comment.

    Where were you when No Slappz was buzzing around? Your concision would drive him insane.

    PoP- They’re just getting a head start on the dust bowl that would be sure to follow his election.

  23. I read this and forgot to comment. Sorry but I’ve been a bit out of it lately but it’s a great post.. and thanks for the prop and I’m happy you’re back. Now I’ll just keep waiting patiently for the Empress.


    I’ve been thinking about some of the funny nicknames bloggers we know use for public affairs people, places and things. I’ve decided of all the Bush nicknames I really like “Chimpy” the best and I was wondering about it’s origins. The first time I saw it was on DISTRIBUTORCAPny’s blog. I’d love to give him the credit.

    “Mooselini’s” your creation, si o no? I like “Caribou Barbie” very much but haven’t a clue who invented it.

    The Palins are great because almost any nickname works, although I am pretty proud of “The Bubble Boy” for Trig. That is absolutely my creation.

    As is the “Telegraph Wire” for the blogosphere.

    O’Tim came up with “Blogovia” which I also like a lot.

    Fredrick Schwartz, I believe, came up with “Walnuts” for McCain, which is my favorite for him. I added “Grandpa” to it today for the first time having seen him referred to as “Grandpa” for the first time somewhere this week. I’ve also seen “Gramps,” which could be a DISTRIBUTORCAP gem.

    I do like “McPOW” quite a bit. Is that yours?

    Fred and I each bit an old 70s commercial during football for signature phrases. Fred uses the Fram Oil Filter guy’s: “You can pay me now. Or you can pay me later.” I use the Sylvester Stallone/Nolan Cromwell United Way commercial: “I can always take a lesson. Or give one.”

    I claim credit for inventing “Big Sammy” and the “Big Pink People,” as well as “The Meth Tweaker” for Biden.

    I also was the first to refer to right-wing Jews in general as doing “folkloric dancing.”

    For Lieberman, “Holy Joe” has been around forever. It may even have come from the MSM.

    The Boss invented “Theocratic Authoritarianism.”

    If Diane Tomlinson didn’t invent “asshat,” I don’t know who did, because I first saw it used was by her. She definitely invented “Edu-Con.” And I also think she came up with “Mittens” for Mitt Romney, which I think is perfect. PRICELESS.

    Suzi Riot, I believe, is responsible for coming up with “Fucktard.”

    I love “Thomas Friedman’s Magic Moustache Of Understanding” which comes from a Tom Tomorrow cartoon.

    “MoDo” for Maureen Dowd has been around forever, too. Could also have been made up by Taibbi it might even go back to Michael M. Thomas, at the NY Observer, who used to write those finance pot-boilers.

    “Tweety” seems like the Chris Matthews standard nickname and I saw that one first in Taibbi’s old NY Press column. That really is priceless. TWEETY.

    I use “The Woman Who Ate Candy Crowley” but I bit that structure from Baseball Prospectus who used it for Pedro the year he came out of spring training really overweight.

    Don’t know if you ever read BALL FOUR or I’M GLAD YOU DIDN’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY but Bouton had some story about an umpire named Rice and that story made me feel like I was always on the verge of coming up with a great one for Condi using Bouton’s story. Apparently, in 1969, in the AL whenever the umpire Rice went out on the field wherever he was, someone always had a sign that said “Hey Rice, What Comes Out Of A Chinaman’s Ass?” It was perfect because of how sold-out to the PRC because of war policy the US is. I just wasn’t clever enough to nail it.

    I think Fairlane came up with “Care-Bear” and “Captain Gumdrop” for Obama and used some variations on those for Obama’s January-March White Gentile supporters.

    The Jewgirl absolutely has a COPYRIGHT on ANYTHING VAGINAL. She’s the MacGyver of variations on that theme. You could give her two random letters in Sanskrit and two letters in Old Church Slavonic and she could make a very understandable modern English “cunt” reference with it.

    Absolutely, positively, the same for D-CUP with anything TITTY.

    I’m probably selling DISTRIBUTORCAPny WAY short on this because he’s really prolific with this stuff.

    The radio guy Mike Malloy calls Wolf Blitzer “The U Boat Commander”. And I’m not sure but I believe Randi Rhodes came up with putting the honorific “The” before some ridiculous right-winger’s name.

    One thing’s for sure: this bend in the river is much more creative with nicknames than the Asshats are. The only one they seem to have is BARACK “HUSSEIN” OBAMA. Which is totally “Booooring, Booooring, Arsenal.”

    Randal, man, we got to formalize this somehow and assign credit where it belongs.


    Diane Tomlinson said…
    I like the list. Gavlae Reudo Maxric our fearless copy editor came up with the “Wingnut Roundup.” I really like that one. Though I wish a few more things like this list would go “viral” from this blog.

    The first time I called anyone an asshat was after Joey DiMarco tried to kiss me when we were both 11. That was a long time ago and it just popped into my head. He always wore a Cubs hat turned around rally style and any boy who tried to kiss me was an ASS!


    Diane Tomlinson said…
    I still say “eat the rich!” But that’s because Jodie Foster is rich and well . . . you can connect the dots there. I don’t think you need me to draw you a picture.


    8:10 PM

  25. Kelso- I first saw “Chimpy Mc Stagger” on Tengrain’s blog.

    I came up with Care Bear, Chimpy of II, Rainbowy Deliciousness, Castle Mc Grey Skull, and Mc Thuselah.

    The rest I’m not sure.

  26. y’all rock

    Never in my lifetime all 51 yrs of it – have i been this excited to cast a vote. Thanks for the PSA –

    surreal is overused as is outrage fatique – i wanna know what is beyond sureal – Its frightening how willfully ignorant people can be , wrapping themselves up a flag, clutching their guns..and being deluded enough to think that America is number one in anything..

    It would be nice if our country as a whole got rid of the meme of exceptionalism….can’t we be a country among countries on this planet for fuck sake – And end the occupation of Iraq.

    Last night James Galbraith was on Moyers – he has a book , called the Preditor State within it is the blueprint for a FANTASTIC ecomonic plan and where GOOD government comes into it –

    just a few thoughts and Thank you to the great gang at Jonestown

    L love y’all – you’re mavericks 😉 !!!

  27. I was going to tease you about Chinese dragons until I read some of that “True Authority” site (how many sets of quotes should you use to denote just how shaky is their reality?).

    I was looking up material on griffins not too long ago. I found some interesting info on Adrienne Mayor who noticed that the Ancient Greeks, Romans, etc. dug up some skulls of dinosaurs and tried to decipher their meaning and origin. Her point is that just because they didn’t come up with the right conclusions doesn’t mean they weren’t trying to be scientific about it. It just meant that their methods and scientific understanding hadn’t progressed in that area.

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